Catch Up

Day 199: Wow, it's been awhile.

He is on first shift now and life is busy, busy, busy. I don't even know where to squeeze the time in right now.

Things are hard. Really hard. I am more depressed than ever and feeling like I am failing my babies in a big way. We are trying to adjust and I feel like as soon as we do his shift will be changing again (it's in 1-2 month slots for the next 18 months).

I don't know how to process everything these days and so I find myself burying way too much of it.

He is trying. Trying to help himself. Trying to help me. Trying to help us.

He just sent me a love note tonight while I was putting the baby to sleep.

Babe, 

I'm sorry that I haven't written in a while. 

I want you to know how much I admire you. You are easily the toughest person that I know and I thank God every morning that he created us for each other. 

Things are hard right now... really hard. I see how hard you are trying and yet I know you still feel like you're failing. I know I'm not doing enough. I need to do better. I hope you've seen some kind of improvement over the last couple of days. I need to show you how much I love you. I love you so much but my actions don't always communicate it as well as my words. I just want you to know that I know all of this and I'm going to do better. 

Please don't give up. We will make it through this.  

{Your Husband}

I feel better after reading that but I know that tomorrow is another day and I will wake up with this weight on my heart. I've been battling the feeling lately that I just was not good enough. It's almost more than I can take.

Over the last few weeks so much has happened. The first day on his new shift he was late so he came home with wildflowers in hand, I rearranged our bedroom and hung our printed wedding vows up (never got around to it after we moved here), I bought him tickets to a baseball game and sent him out to enjoy himself with our brother- in- law.

166 days. I am going to try to make time to catch up.

Schedule

Day 188: He's worked four different shifts this week but he'll be on first shift starting next week. Trying to find a new routine around here so that I can get back to blogging.

Party!

Day 183: What a party!

We were up until three am preparing and then up around seven. Wow. It was a huge success though and well worth our efforts. We made it a point to hang out with each other during the party. We always get wrapped up in entertaining and lose the day without seeing much of one another. We did pretty well.

When everyone had left we took the babies in and had dinner and relaxed the rest of the night with them.

Oh, what fun!

Day 184: What a bust.

A few hours after we all woke up I was driving away -- just the babies and me -- to get away from him. It was so far from what I was hoping for the day. I drove about 20 miles before I turned around to come back to get him since talking on the phone convinced me that he was in a better mood.

We went to the toy store to let our little man spend some of his birthday money and proceeded to again get into a fight. After ruining the day for our little people we were home for the day and I pretty much ignored him until they all went to bed. It's so hard not to run away when it hurts so much. I try not to let it get the best of me but it's all I can do when the pain is overwhelming me.

We talked...he says he gets what's hurting me and what he can change. He says it'll change. So far whenever he says that it happens so I'm hopeful.

Day 181:  There's pain in healing.

Day 182: I woke up after having a nightmare that a man had just blown my toes off after shooting me and was now demanding $5400 for my life from my mother and she would not cooperate. He was ready to shoot me as I was pleading with him, in front of my husband and children, to think about my family. The police were there are were going right along with his antics. Wha?!?!

That pleasant mood that I woke up in (<---- can you hear the sarcasm dripping from that?) was quickly replaced with a flood of sadness when I remembered what day it was.

I've been dreading this day. Maybe from the day that I knew I would stay, but if not, from very early on. Today marks six months. Six months of sadness, loneliness, insecurity, uncertainty, betrayal, confusion, brokenness, hurt. Six months of fighting and trying and winning and losing. Six months of living with a broken heart. Today also was the "sobriety" day that we (I) celebrated every year. Every year with cards and praise and a big to do to anyone who would listen. I had such pride. There is so much emptiness in today.

Someday I might be able to move forward and celebrate his new sobriety day but for now it just seems so lost on me.

183 days. Someday (<---- link)

He's Four

Day 181: Wow. My little man is four.

We woke up and had chocolate cheesecake brownies for breakfast. I love breaking the rules for birthdays! He opened his gift from us and played with his sister for awhile. The afternoon we spent playing and building him up, convincing him how much stronger and taller and smarter he is now that he is four! It was such a fun day.

We spent the evening painting and playing outside.

The day was a struggle in so many ways. Looking at my little man growing up is hard enough but with only about 4 hours of sleep it was even harder. My littlest girl was restless last night (which is rare for her) and on top of going to bed late I was laying awake with her for so long last night. So today I ran on fumes. There is so much left to do tomorrow but I think I will be motivated by procrastination.

184 days. So much to say. So little focus and energy.

You Only Have One Life

Day 180:  Four year ago tonight my water broke and I was getting ready to meet our first little one. It was so amazing. I still cannot believe he will be four tomorrow. I wish I could bottle up time.

Last night was terrible. We saw it coming but there was no way around it (as far as I could tell). There were so many tears. So, so, so, so many. More than there have been in weeks, maybe months.

It all started with a hypothetical question -- something quite innocent on his part -- but ended up with us both feeling even more depressed and beaten down.

He's so sorry and I can see that. "You only have one life. ONE. And I've messed both of ours up." I cannot describe the pain that I felt when I heard him say that. I hurt so badly that he hurts. I just want to wrap him up and take all of his pain away. I can't stand to see the sadness on his face from all of this.

Ugh, I can't do this tonight. It's too hard right now.

185 days. With a broken heart...that's still beating.

Sluggish

Day 179: Ugh. I'm sleeping in again, a lot.

He tried to get me up three times this morning before I finally rolled out of bed. He came in every time and rubbed my face and shoulders and was so nice about it. He made coffee and unloaded the dishwasher. All of the things that I ask him to do. I am fading right now. Fading back into the misery of all of this.

By the time I woke up we didn't have time to do what we had planned but still he was patient with me.

Tomorrow we have lots to do. It is the last day that our little man will be three. I cannot believe it. Thursday (his birthday!) there will be a small party with just the five of us. He has requested chocolate cheesecake brownies so that is what he will be getting. Saturday will be family and food and lots of fun with a golf theme! I'm excited for him. It's all about him right now and you can see his enthusiasm.

I have to finish up some things tonight but I'm hoping to go to bed at a reasonable hour so that I can get up in the morning and not be sluggish.

186 days. Maybe it's time for a vitamin D supplement. There's just not enough sunlight yet.

Paperwork

Day 177: I have no idea what happened. I cannot remember still. We fought all day though.

I eventually dragged myself out of the house with him and we took the babies to the park where we had a blast. I really needed some fresh air.

After the park we went to the ice cream stand and all of us had a treat. 

Day 178: We cleaned! He did so much while I putzed around and got some things done as well. He went through most of our paperwork and organized it. It's been far too long.

Every now and then I was looking though some of the things that were on the table. Too much of it made me sad. Old calendars (that I keep for the babies milestones) have sobriety days and "business dinners" and trips back home scattered throughout. I finally had to tell myself to stop looking through.

It all hurts too much. I feel like I am losing my mind (or I am pushing so much away so that i don't have to feel it all).

187 days. When will I be free?

Cleaning

Day 175: Spent most of the day out with some of our favorite people. Picked my husband up from work and we came home and went pretty much went straight to bed to "hang out". My mind was going hundred miles a minute but he took some time to help me calm down and then we made love. I feel so good in his arms.

Day 176: Took the babies out to play at a play center this morning after we made a small grocery trip. We are planning on cleaning this weekend since we have a party next weekend. I cannot believe my little man is going to be four. Where does time go?

I was just holding him today and rocking him in my arms remembering when he used to fit in my lap. Oh, the tears are flowing again. It just goes too quickly.

I feel like my husband and I are doing better but there is still something in the way for me. Probably me. I'm going to do my best this weekend to have a good attitude. It's been pretty terrible lately.

189 days. Deep breath.

His Love

Day 173: What a terrible day.

I woke up the worst mood after having two nightmares that left me feeling like I hadn't slept. I was a huge grouch all day. My poor babies got the short end of the stick and by last night I was just ready to start over.

He was remarkably patient with me despite my foul mood. I can't wait until this is over. What does that even mean? I typed it out and then thought about it. It's never all going to be over. It's never going to go away. So sad. I guess this is the new me and while I hate that I am learning to accept it. I never wanted to accept it and yet here I am knowing that this is what I have to work with now. It kills me.

While so much of me has been put back together there are still more shattered pieces than I can count. I just want to be whole again. I just want to be me again. Not this me. The old me. The happy me.

Day 174: He let me sleep and sleep and sleep. I woke up at nearly eleven o'clock. I hadn't realize quite how tired I was until I woke up feeling refreshed. When he brought the baby back in to me at nine I thought that I would just nurse her and leave her in bed asleep like I normally do. Not until I woke up still next to her did I realize that I had even fallen back asleep.

I had a productive day today and I feel pretty good despite the fact that Mount Laundry has once again peaked. This time on my couch though. I was going to fold it tonight but I holed up in my sewing room to get a few things finished. He said that if I folded he would put it away so I really should get motivated. OYE. If I ever got rich I'd hire a housekeeper. It's the one thing that no matter how hard I try it just does not come naturally.

In other news I got a lovely gift in the mail from a friend today and it made my day. She surprised me with a handmade quilt in my favorite colors and with my favorite flower. It's nice to feel loved -- and I do!

Tomorrow I am keeping the car and the babies and I are going out shopping with a few of our favorite people. It should be fun! I'm excited to get out of routine tomorrow! I wish my husband could come with us. I always miss him more when I'm out without him.

191 days. His Love Will Conquer All (<----)

Forgetting

Day 170: We went grocery shopping.

Ahhhh, why do we do this to ourselves? Go out on a Saturday to the grocery store? We know better and we have time during the week. We had put it off way too long though and it had to be done. It was a mellow day other than that.

We went for a drive at bedtime. It was the first time that we've ever driven past our first apartment. Oh my, it's so small. I remember it feeling so big when we lived there on our own all alone just after we got married. It brought back some happy memories. We were so young and in love. I look back now and realize that things were not as they seemed but I still have a smile in my heart thinking about the time that we spent there.

Life was hard sometimes, marriage came with a learning curve but our love was perfect and untouchable. I'd like to think that it still is.

Day 171: Wow! I woke up with  ton of energy and spent five hours in my sewing room organizing and cleaning. It was well worth it. He helped me finish it and then he moved on to some clutter areas of the house and tackled those. Then we piled in the van and got out of the house. I told him that I felt bad that I had spent such a long time in that room when so many other areas of the house need addressed. He said that he was so happy because that is where a lot of my stress comes from and now that it is efficient I will be more productive...which equals less stress. I love when he sees the positive that I cannot.

While we were out we saw that a local Border's (bookstore) was closing for good and was having a really great sale. We let the babies each pick a book and then found some great reads for people on our Christmas list. They are also selling all of their shelving and accessories and I scored tons of pegboard hooks for five dollars. I don't expect anyone else to be excited about this but the frugal part of me was (and still is) jumping for joy over the amount of money that I saved. Not to mention how much more I can hang in my sewing room. What a great find!

Day 172: We were up late so we slept in and then had to go return some movies. The morning was a bit tense but we muscled through without fighting.

We ate lunch out and then had to go straight home so that he could leave for work. On the way home I was suddenly overcome with sadness. I am so tired of feeling the way that I do. I am scared that I am, day by day, forgetting who I was before all of this. Forgetting the happy, secure, confident, care-free girl that I was. I'm also afraid that he is going to get over me being like this.

I was sobbing with my face in my hands and telling him all of this. He said that among the things that make me sad and that make me worry that I do not need to add to it the thought of him getting over this. He said that he is never leaving and that I can take my time in getting better. He said that we are working on a new normal and learning a new way to be happy.

193 days. He said that we have forever to figure this out.

He's sick.

Day 169: He's getting sicker and I seemed to have plateaued for now. I hope I don't get any worse.

I'm hoping for a relaxing weekend. We had an opportunity to go out to a company dinner but we don't want to leave the baby. She's at an age where sometimes she only wants Mommy and we're ok with that even if it means missing a night out with adults!

I still love just hanging out with him. Just us, at home, doing nothing. I think I'll focus on pampering him. It's been awhile.

He's amazing.

196 days. Still working on healing.

Springtime

Day 167: He woke up sick and I let him sleep until mid morning. I could tell that he wasn't feeling well.

That was confirmed less than an hour later when he came into the kitchen and told me that he had called off for the day.

Strangely I was feeling quite motivated and by now had already browned some ribs and put them into the slow cooker and was working on stuffed chicken breasts for lunch. Don't really know what got into me but no one was complaining.

I didn't end up getting any sewing done since he was home. We just sat around most of the day until after dinner. He was feeling a bit better and stir crazy so he suggested we go for a drive. I know, I know that's kinda against the rules of calling off but he did lay around most of the day so...

We ended up going to a craft store to let the kids (and me) pick out some things to work on. They got some buttons to practice threading and sewing and I found some lovely fabric to make my girls matching dresses for the summer.

Towards the end of the trip I noticed that he was getting really worn out so we left and went straight home. We put the babies to bed and then sat together and watched a movie. I actually stayed awake for the entire movie, which is the first time in longer than I can remember.

Day 168: Well, it looks like we are all getting sick...again. I am hoping that it is short this time. I am going to go to the Health Food Store tomorrow and pick up some things. I cannot go through what I just went through a few weeks ago. I cannot do it right now.

He was feeling worse today than yesterday but went to work anyways. Not before taking our little man to get a haircut though. His birthday is coming up -- I cannot believe that he is going to be four -- and every year since his second birthday we have cut his hair (yes, that's only three haircuts in his time). He has the most gorgeous curly locks but they are getting long and in his eyes and thick and it was time. This year though he went to the barber and got a little boy cut.

Ahhh, my husband brought him home and I could have cried. It wasn't as shocking this time, and he is still as cute as a bug, but I always miss it. He's is such a handsome little man. I am super sad that I forgot to ask my husband to bring me a lock home so that I could put it in the little box with his other locks though. I can't think about it too much or I'll cry.

I'm not feeling as overwhelmed today but I know that it can change in an instant. I need to break out of this depression...I just don't know how and it's maddening. I don't know how to move forward and start getting better again when I am stuck in this deep place within myself. Springtime cannot come fast enough. Right now it's my only idea -- more sunlight, fresh air and flowers.

197 days. Springtime.

The Stand Mixer Arrived

Day 163: I finally got a new (to me!) washer.

Unless you've been there, you don't know how incredibly tedious it is to have a washer without a working timer and to have to switch the cycle from wash to spin to rinse to spin every 10-4-9-4 minutes. I was so behind on laundry and it's been like this for months. Months! I try not to complain, I mean, I could be hand washing, but it was time to move on. So thanks to my husband and my brother in law I have a new washer installed and I am nearly caught up on washing (folding and putting away will be another story).

This day did not go without resistance though. We tried and tried but we were misfiring. He was not communicating well and I was struggling not to shut down. By late afternoon I had all but given up. He knew it but could not pull himself out of the funk that he as in. After eating dinner we decided to take the babies to play at an indoor play center. What a great idea! They had a blast and played for close to two hours. We left and they quickly fell asleep so we drove around.

We are not looking to put our roots down here (well I'm not for sure) but my husband had told me about this house that is down the road a bit. We found it in the dark and had ourselves a look (from the car). It is set on this huge lot behind a corn field. I was eager to see the cost because it is a foreclosure so as soon as we got home he looked it up. It is out of price range (though not by much if we tried hard enough) but it is on 20 acres of land!!! I've been dreaming ever since.

Do you know what I could do on that much land? Grow most, if not all, of the produce that we would need as a family, get a cow (never lay eyes on it so that we could have it slaughtered at the end of the year), have more than enough play room for the babies, grow enough to sell at farmer's markets and then some. Oh, if only I could move the home and the land and make it within our budget. (Or get ourselves a ticket to paradise and live on the beach!)

Day 164: My baby girl turned six months old. We celebrated with a new toy for her (she's so active these days) and she decided that her first tooth was in order. She's growing up too quickly. We sang her a birthday song and just loved on her while I tried to cement the memories of the day into my heart and mind.

My husband had a hard day. He was feeling crummy and wanted to veg and I wanted to get out. So...I took the baby and my little man and we set out to get some things done. A trip to pick up the toy that I bought, the fabric store, and the grocery store proved to be just enough to completely wear me out. I came home and we made dinner together and then finished the night with a movie.

Day 165: Another restless night for my little girl. I now realize it's that tooth that's disrupting her sleep. Poor thing. I just hold her and rock her and memorize her tiny little features.

I'm still struggling. I'm actually downright miserable right now. I'm so depressed and I've come to know that I don't know how to be depressed. It's not my nature. I just want to sleep and sleep and wake up when I'm in a good mood. I can't even stand myself.

The only thing really making me happy right now is my babies and I'm failing miserably at being the mama that I want to be to them. I don't want to be in this house anymore but we can't afford to buy our own place and even if we could I don't want to live here. I want to move away. I like it when we lived further from our families. It made things easier. We weren't having to dodge weekend visits so often. Actually we got visits so sporadically that I don't think we ever turned one down. Ah, I miss those days. We did what we wanted. No one knew what we were up to.

Some days I want to just go nuts and tell everyone why I don't want visits from people that don't make me happy. Because I'm a mess trying to survive infidelity and I don't need someone here who adds anymore stress or unhappiness. In the end though I always talk myself down and remember that I really don't want anyone to know. It would only serve as a temporary fix to keep them away.

On top of that, (is any of it even making sense?) my husband finally got his schedule for the eighteen month training program that he just made it into. It's going to make our life harder than it already is. There are shifts of every kind: 9-5, 11-7, overnights, weekends... and they last for a few months at a time. It is not at all what I was expecting and now is making me regret ever being on board with him going for this new position. I can't help but think that it is all for naught. We'll see.

I have a bunch of problems without any solutions. I'm a wreck. He's trying. He's knows that I'm hurting. Goodness, I know that he hurt me, but I don't know how he puts up with me. I can barely put up with me. Somehow he hasn't pushed me over the edge that I am teetering on.

Day 166: My stand mixer arrived today. I'm so excited. It's something that I have wanted for so long and something that I know my husband has wanted to buy me. It's so pretty sitting there on my counter top. He got me a good one.

I had to try it out so...we made a cake. Yep, me and the babies back in the kitchen. It's been too long. We had so much fun watching the machine do all of the work. Round and round and round. Mix, mix, mix. Taste, taste, taste, taste, taste, taste. Yes, I realize that's not balanced but it's how baking is done here! It turned out great.

I'm hoping for a relaxing night. Things have been too tense lately.

199 days. Someday. (<---- that's a link)

Special Weekend

Day 160: He worked until 1am last night and I cannot go to sleep without him. He called me several times from the work line so that I knew that he was there. I'm having a rough time lately but I feel like we are in a good place. Unfortunately him working so late just added to my sleep debt.

We had an unexpected visitor and she and her little girl stayed to play late into the night.

Day 161: My small at home business is exploding right now and I have been using a lot of my free time to catch up. We are also working with a friend to hopefully start up a local non-profit organization soon. This is something that my husband and I have wanted to do for a long time so it's very exciting.

We lost my husband's Grandma 4 years ago today. It was sudden and just weeks before we were due with our first baby. I still miss her. She was amazing. She had so much wisdom. Still missing you, Grandma.

Day 162: I've had a rough week and he knows that. He suggested a mini vacation this weekend. At the very least he promised that it would be special. I am excited to see what he has in store. I'm not sure going out of town will be relaxing but we'll see what comes of it.

He bought a blu ray player and it arrived today so he says he going to stop and get a movie and some ice cream! I've been craving it lately and I'm not even ashamed to admit it. I am looking forward to snuggling up on the couch and watching a good movie. Hopefully it's a chick flick and not an action movie but I usually fall asleep before it's over, no matter what movie it is, so I'm not sure why I really care.

I'm judging by how busy I am and the mood that I'm in that life has pushed me into a lull. Hoping to come out of this one peacefully. Maybe Spring will warm things up here soon and lift my spirits.

203 days. Anxiously awaiting sunny days.

Golf

Day 156: On the drive down I was remembering the day after he told me. We had already made plans to go help out down there and I did not want to cancel on them even though I was running on a few hours of sleep and I was in a daze. He asked me if I remember how I felt that day. I do. I felt like I was having a nightmare. All I wanted to do was wake up from it. He asked me if things are better now. They are and they aren't. I am not reduced to tears as easily these days -- though they are always under the surface. I think I understand that this had nothing to do with me and was his problem. I think I feel more loved now than I did right after I found out. Those things, even with the uncertainty that comes with them, make it better. What makes it worse though is that I know I am not having a nightmare. I still have days where I think that I am and wish and pray that I am but for the most part I know this is my reality.

We had a great day visiting our loved ones. We stopped at a few stores and then had dinner.

Day 157: Woke up and had the most delicious pancake breakfast. We spent the morning just hanging out before we packed up to come back home. On the drive home we started talking again.

It started when drove past a golf course and he mentioned how nice it would be to go. Just the mere mention of the sport makes me trigger. Why? Well, because over the years he complained that he had no freedom and while it's true I look back and know now that he was taking it even though I was not giving. I also look back and think that I was unable to give that to him because I was insecure. Not insecure like I am now but I always have felt like I have to make myself his first priority. It's obvious now that something was missing. I have to think that if he had been pouring himself into our marriage it would have been amazing. He says its so easy. So easy to love me like he does now. Goodness, the pain he has makes my heart hurt.

All of those years when he was stealing our time and money. All of those years he was doing what he wanted. Why didn't he go golfing? Now I just cringe at the thought. I have no (read: none, zero, zilch, nada) desire to punish him. I just want time to pass so that it doesn't sting like it does now. I told him that I have an unexplainable amount of anger that is directed at the thought of him golfing but that I am ok with it. It is something that I don't really have to deal with and it takes some of the pressure off. This is something that I feel like I can bury, only talk about once in awhile and it will eventually dissipate. The way I described it to him was like burying something soluble in the earth. Eventually it will seep away. I'm not kidding myself, that's how this feels and I am ok with that.

Day 158: My baby girl is growing and trying crawl and that means she needs more time in my lap while she fights sleep. That means that I can't always do what I have planned but that's ok. She's not going to be little forever and I cherish ever nap that she takes in my arms. I can't believe how big she is getting. It goes by too fast.

Day 159: I have not been getting enough sleep over the past week and it is definitely affecting my mood. I've been a grouch all day long. We barely made it through today without a major outburst. I really need to get some good rest tonight. Hopefully I'll wake up in a better mood tomorrow. He deserves for me to be.

206 days. Tired.

Leaving Town

Day 154: Up and down.

I made him find a ride to work yesterday. It was a bad day. He said that he was sorry. I don't think he meant to hurt me but he did. I took the babies out. We played at Chick Fil A, went to the craft store and I cooled off. I went to pick him up. Too bad he was an hour late getting out of work and I had to sit in the parking lot until eleven pm. We talked last night once we got home. Still learning.

Day 155: It's in the sixties here today!

The babies played outside -- I even took the little one out with us after she woke up from her nap. I picked up the house and got a bit of crafting done. We are headed out of town to stay with some loved ones for the weekend. It should be fun.

We're leaving tonight once he gets home from work. It's over an hour drive. We should have a good talk. I still need to finish packing us.

210 days. I love long car rides.

Still Believing

Day 153: Still holding on.

Revisiting some of the songs that I listened to early on.

You said that I would be ok. --  I feel ok somedays. Others I feel like I'm falling apart. Barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating.

My head and heart are still caught up in a storm most days. I need a great love. I need a big love. I need a deep love. I need to know what forever feels like. I need to know that I'm your all. I need to know that I mean everything to you. That you'll be everything that I need. That you'll make everything ok.

You say that you're sorry. You say that you are working on you. You say that I can believe you.

You say that you were wrong. That you learned from your mistakes. That you would change everything. You say that you'll fight. Fight for a second chance. Fight for us.

212 days. I'm still here. I'm still fighting too. I'm still believing is us.

My Birthday

Day 152: It's official. I'm twenty-seven.

I was born at 3:01am on March 15, 1984. I was fifteen days late but my mother let me come on my own time.

Today was a good day. My husband woke me up and said that he was sorry that he let me sleep so long (I've been asking him not to let me sleep all morning) but that he had to get some things ready. I came out and there were sweet, sweet cards that he and the babies made for me. Then I went on a scavenger hunt with clues. At the end I had collected ten letters that I had to unscramble. It read, "Stand Mixer". I'm so excited!!!

After realizing that he didn't actually buy me one but that it was him telling me to find one that I like and to get it (he knows how much I like a good deal and I'll probably be able to find one online) I got to dreaming about what I want. This is such a sweet gift. Something that I've wanted for a long time. I bake a lot and with three little ones this will certainly help!

A little bit later my toddlers ran in to the living room to tell me to "come look". I walked down to hall to see the cutest little birthday cake that my husband got me. An ice cream cake. They sang to me and then we all enjoyed the cake. It was so good.

He left for work after giving me a lovely morning. I love him. He really makes me feel special.

In a little bit we'll watch one of my favorite guilty pleasure shows and then go to bed.

213 days. Getting close to a day of good memories.

Goodbye Twenty-six

Day 149: "Don't go to bed angry." Even in the Bible it says,

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Ephesians 4:26

Well, we didn't BUT we were up until 4am. OYE. I can't even tell you now what it was about. There wasn't a huge blow up. There wasn't any screaming. There were some tears and eventually we made up enough to go to bed.

He got up early and took all of the babies (yes, all three) out to get donuts. It was sweet. I got up while they were gone and got going without anyone pulling on my clothes while I brushed my teeth and put in my contacts. He came back and we worked on getting the house in order so that we could go on our date.

Our date was fabulous. He made reservations at this nice Asian Restaurant in a town just north of us. We got seated at these tables that you had to sit down and put you feet into the floor under the table. It was interesting but very comfortable once you got down there. It worked out great because I just laid a blanket on the "seat" beside me and the baby laid there and played while we ate. We ordered my favorite roll (smoked salmon, cream cheese, cucumbers, and avocado) and their signature roll plus Pad Thai (my favorite Thai dish) and crispy scallops. We ended up bringing a lot of food home! They also brought me out lemon raspberry crumb ice cream for my birthday but refrained from banging on the gong.

After dinner we decided just to come straight back home to hang out with the lovely people who watched our babies for us. They made me a cake while we were gone and had a sweet, sweet card and a lovely gift for me. The guys ended up staying up super late playing the Wii while her and I both passed out on the couch sometime around midnight. It was a lot of fun!

Day 150: Daylight Savings Time worked against us and we didn't have time to get ready for church. We got up and played with the babies and then decided to take them to the Science Museum. We've been talking about it for months but wanted to wait until all of the holidays were over because we wanted to buy a pass. All day long was a struggle for me. I was trying so hard to keep a happy face on but I was triggering like crazy. I don't even know why. Despite the battle that was going on within (and the severe lack of sleep that my husband -- him more so -- and I were facing) we pulled the day off with only a few minor speed bumps.

We came home and made dinner together and ended the evening on a good note. Last night we had a good heart to heart and I told him about something that was nagging at me. I knew it was probably going to hurt but I felt I needed to tell him.

I stopped seeing the chiropractor in December. I couldn't quite put my finger on why I suddenly had an aversion but a few weeks ago it hit me. On my last appointment with him (the chiro) I was having a really, really bad day. I guess he and I had developed enough of a "friendship" because I almost told him about the affairs.

I remember long ago my husband's Grandma (wow, how I miss her dearly) told me never to confide in another man. Never go to another man with my hearthache. Never to lay my head on another man's shoulder and cry -- which I took literally and figuratively. Oh, the foresight that she had. I could have never  guessed then the trials that our marriage would face, the men in my life that would be available for me to confide in (this happened once before with a coworker of mine. I nearly told him about the troubles Kevin and I were facing surrounding his drug habit then) or the havoc it would wreak on my heart thinking back on it all.

So I told my husband last night. Not to hurt him but just to be honest about my feelings. I am proud of myself for not giving up in my weakness. Not allowing myself to justify it. I am proud for giving that to my husband. I am so sad that he was hurt last night though. It just broke my heart. Through my tears I told him that I was sorry that he was hurt. He said that it hurt to know that there was another man who was available to me to confide in and that it especially hurt because he has not always been. I hate that he has this information that could haunt him but I believe that he will use it to push himself further.

I believe that he is showing big signs of healing. I wonder if he feels forgiven these days. I forgive him. I did long ago. I should tell him again. I wonder, though, if he feels forgiven by himself. I can't wait for that day.

Day 151: My birthday is tomorrow. The two month and eighteen day gap will be closed. He will no longer be numerically older than me! Another year. I am feeling it lately. At the ripe old age of twenty-seve (tomorrow) I have more than my fair share of white hair and they seem to be multiplying exponentially these days. I'm trying to take it in stride but there's no fooling myself that I'm in my early twenties anymore. Ah well.

All I want is a day of good memories to look back on. Not because it is my birthday necessarily but because I will remember it because it is. Makes sense, right? I just want to look back and smile. I don't care if we lay in bed all day with the babies and do nothing but giggle. I just want it to be a good day. I don't want it to be another day tainted with the hurt and sadness. I know that's asking for a lot and putting a lot of pressure on the day. It'd be easier to ask for a fancy gift and an exquisite meal. That could easily be delivered.

214: Goodbye twenty-six.

Birthday Date

Day 148: "I want to buy you something... to help you feel better. Any suggestions?"

After my husband said this to me the other night. I quickly responded with, ""Just a gift or something to actually make me feel better?" 

I told a few friends what he said and these were two of the responses:

Can I marry your husband? That's so sweet. My husband never thinks of stuff like that.

and

I lurve [him]. Can he write a tip sheet for all the husbands?

I feel so blessed. I feel SO blessed. So blessed that when he is on his game he is really doing a great job. It also feels like a knife to the heart. I have no idea if any of these friends of mine have or are suffering through infidelity and even though I think I am hiding it from them pretty well I am going to stay positive and say that they probably aren't. What I wouldn't give to be in their shoes. To live a mediocre life instead of a GREAT one because of this. Ya know?

I know that is sad -- to wish for a life of mediocrity -- but it's really how I feel. 

Tomorrow he is taking me out for my birthday. I'm excited. Really excited! We haven't been out together without the toddlers for my birthday ever. This should be really fun. I am really, really going to try to let him treat me. I'm not always a very gracious guest.

217 days. Looking forward to tomorrow.

My Cocktail

Day 146: Still sick. My baby girl is also having a growth spurt and needed me to just hold her which I gladly did.

Day 147: He woke me up at 8:30 with coffee going and a smile. I noticed shortly after I got up that I actually am starting to feel better. I have no idea which part of the cocktail of things that I am taking is helping but I honestly don't care. 3 times daily I've been taking 3 echinacea, 2 garlic, 2 drops of homeopathic cold/sinus mixture, and a dose of colloidal silver. I am really hoping that I am on the mend and tomorrow I will be feeling even better.

Yesterday was a good day. HE GOT THE JOB! He was chosen from 20 people for the program. I am so proud of him. It's still looking like 6-8 more weeks on second shift and then I'm not even sure that he will go straight to first shift but I am really hoping so. Next week he will get the entire program schedule for the next 18 months. This is really good news because I like to know what is coming. I deal with it better.

Last night I was still feeling really crummy and he asked me what he could bring me? I chose a 7 layer burrito (so not proud of that but I was hungry!) and he complimented it with an almond joy and a pretty new shirt. What a guy!

He made us a fabulous lunch today, ran to the post office to fix an error that I made and got a haircut. Before work he also took the time to relax with me and ask me how he can make things better for me. We talked about how we need to talk about "it" and deal with the heart of the issue and not just all of the symptoms. He gets that. He gets it all.

It's just such a hard place to be right now. Right where I am. It's so hard being me and being depressed. I've been depressed in the past (briefly -- usually winter blues) but I never admit it to myself until it's over. It's just my way of dealing with it. My way of getting through it. This time I feel like admitting it to myself has been like giving in to it and now I don't know how to get past it. I told him today that the only way I see out right now is medicine that makes me feel nothing and I am NOT willing to do that. I'll never be.

I'm really hoping that this weekend pushes me past the plateau that I'm on. Definitely going to take the baby with us so that I can relax and not worry about how she is doing. It'll be more fun that way!

218 days. Dear Jesus, please heal me.

Big Meanie

Day 145: My face feels bruised.

I've never had a sinus infection like this. I thought I was getting better but I woke up this morning and felt worse than I have in the past week. I'm so over it.

He let me sleep in (he does that a lot) and then finally came to get me out of bed sometime mid-morning. I just want to be well again. I can't do all of this all the time. I can't work on me, be a good wife and mother, and be sick. Not to mention the state of my house is just crumbling -- after I had finally started to make some headway.

I was such a big meanie to my babies today. I'm so mad at myself over it. They were just being toddlers but my patience seems to be obsolete right now so I can so short with them. It got so bad that I was having a mini meltdown all by myself over a pan of spaghetti and my husband just happened to call me back right then, while I was in tears. I told him that I was still feeling horrible and he jumped on it and said that he was going to try to see if he could get out and come home.

That alone brightened my mood but I was still not sure what time he might make it. I was pleasantly surprised when he walked in an hour before bedtime. He let me go soak for on hour and right now is up making me some tea.

I have got to get better. This is ridiculous. I am so tired of being sick. I get sick every now and then but I was just sick like five weeks ago. Argh!

On a better note -- this weekend we are celebrating my birthday that is next week. We're going to go out and have dinner while someone we love watches the babies. I still haven't decided if we'll take the littlest one with us or not. I guess it'll depend on the time. Afterward we're going to come back home and hang out with them. I haven't had a get together for my birthday in a long time. It should be fun.

220 days. It makes me feel loved when he takes care of me. 

Who Am I?

Day 141: I was so sick that I put a movie on and we all (the babies and I) crashed there until my husband came home.

Day 142:  Who am I? I just shoved, punched, scratched,  and bit him. Sure he wouldn't leave me alone and was even trying to hold me. Sure he was the one who made me mad and hurt my feelings. Sure he is the one who wasn't listening to my words but...who am I?

I also punched the cupboard and messed up my hand, threatened to call the police so that they would take me before I hurt someone and threw a huge baby toy at him. Who am I?

Who am I? Who is this monster inside of me? Who is this mess sitting on the floor of the kitchen, icing my wrist and sobbing while he searches for more answers? Who am I?

I'm lost and confused. I feel hurt and abandoned. Not only by him but by myself. I'm emotionally unstable, at best, and it's not good enough.

I want out. I was out of this dark place. This dark place of depression. Of hurt and anger and loneliness and betrayal and sadness. Oh, I'm so sad.

I want to live again. I want the nightmares to stop. I want the freedom to have enough control over myself to be able to take minor blows. We were arguing about something unrelated. He totally was...I don't know...avoiding his mistake. Making light of it. Not understanding the severity. I don't know. I don't know what to made him act the way that he did but it should not have resulted in this. We should have -- I should have -- been able to talk it through without losing control.

What's gonna happen? How will I even find myself again?

Maybe I won't. Maybe this is me. Oh Lord, please tell me that's not true. Please tell me that You'll heal me from this.

When will I be free again? I'm trying so hard and yet I get smacked upside the head with this. Why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

It's hurts. It hurts more than I can put into words.

Some days it'd be easier if I were supposed to hurt...


Day 143:  Things calmed down kinda early last night but then we didn't really deal with them. Why? I don't know. It's kinda been the theme lately and it finally bubbled over. After a full day we were laying in bed and I started telling him that things lately are not going as well as they seem. We don't really discuss things anymore. Simple answers are taken at face value and not looked into any deeper. No tears means progress.

It's not the case though. I feel like lately I have put a brave face on, pushed my feelings down and put my nose to the grindstone. Why? Because I have to.

I can only be broken and vulnerable and open to heal when I know that he is here to catch me as I fall and carry me when I can't walk. Something's been missing though.

We talked about it. It's supposed to get better. We'll see. I hope so.

Day 144: A year ago today I took our little girl to the doctor after realizing that home treating her was not getting rid of what I thought was an irritated lymph node. Several tests, doctors and hours later they called me and asked me to come back to the office so that we could talk.

A piece of my heart fell into God's lap right then.

Once arriving at the office, the Doctor sat us down and told us that they thought that it could be cancer and that she needed a chest xray.

The rest of my heart fell into God's lap.

I'm sure I only held it together because my little man and my little girl were right there watching me but my husband and I could barely speak to each other knowing that behind our words there were many, many, many tears. Tears of fear. I've never known fear like that. Within minutes we were in our own private waiting room. I started praying as we waited. Praying for a miracle. Praying for grace. Praying that my little girl was going to be ok.

I was a few months pregnant so I could not even be in the room to hold her hand and comfort her while they xrayed her. My husband was though. He brought her back to me and I just held her as I felt another tear escape and slide down my cheek. Then we waited. And waited. And waited. I'm not sure exactly how long it was but time has never gone by so slowly. The world has never stopped the way that it did while we waited. Finally we were called back.

One by one the doctors all came in to meet us and talk to us. All I could think was that they all knew something that we didn't and that it was bad. The Senior Doctor then came in. I don't remember much of her words before or after she told us that her xray looked perfect. She said it so nonchalantly that we almost missed it. I do remember pulling my little girl closer to me and her snuggling in to nurse as the weight of the world fell off of my shoulders.

I'll never forget that day. Never forget how God spared us, once again. Never forget the overwhelming (what an understatement) sense of relief that I had in that moment.

Many more days and tests later we found out that her lymph node wasn't fighting an infection like we would have all like to assume but that it was actually infected.

221 days. Praising God -- The Great Physician -- for a perfectly healthy little girl today!

Interviews

Day 140: The stress is making me angry and my anger is all geared in the wrong direction. I realized today that I don't really cry in front of the babies anymore but I've replaced it with a short fuse. I have to change this.

If my husband gets this new position at work -- he's had an interview everyday this week and two tomorrow -- he will be working first shift some of the time. That alone would make my day a lot easier but...if he doesn't get it I still have to figure out how to instill more patience within myself. I have done a good job of creating a routine for us and sticking to it helps everyone but I still need to work on enjoying it all. Having a 3 year old, 2 year old, and a 5 month old means that I am SO blessed. So, so, so blessed. What did I do to deserve such a privilege? God has been so good to me and I want to bathe in the blessing that He has given me.

I need some sort of outlet as well but I have no idea what. I am consumed with life right now without much time to squeeze anything else in.

225 days. I think it's time for a break.

Drawn To Him

Day 139: He's been incredibly patient lately.

Sometimes I wonder if he is actively working on this or if it is just coming naturally now. There is no disappointment either way. I just sense that he is willing and happy to do whatever it takes to make happiness out of all of this. It's working. I feel myself drawn to him when he is peaceful. I wonder how he feels about me lately...? I feel like I am hard to deal with sometimes. He doesn't make me feel that way though. He makes me feel like I can ask for and have whatever I want and he'll supply it.

Last night I got suddenly suspicious about why he was late from work (he said that the road was flooded and he had to go back and around). At first I was totally fine with that answer and then it hit me. Like all the times in the past when he had an excuse. I told him that I was upset about it and couldn't help but notice that he didn't call me to tell me. He got a little excited over it but quickly composed himself and thought about it. He asked me what I was thinking and I told him that I wanted to drive to see if the road was really flooded. He very calmly and empathetically told me that he understood if I wanted to do that and to go if it would make me feel better. I chose not to though. He then said to me that all this means is that he is becoming lax and he does not want that. Wow. It takes my breath away (and it's scary) to think that he really is a changed man.

I think that this may actually all work. I think that we may just heal. I think that there is a way to find happiness again.

226 days. Could it really be happening?

So Much Of Me

Day 138: I saw a piece of his broken heart today.

We were laying in bed -- all five of us -- and he said that he is so sorry that he was not "fully here" when the other two were little. He was holding our baby girl and just looking at her. He said that he just holds her and appreciates her so much more. Looking back and knowing all that I know I still believe that he's always been a great Dad.

I wondered for awhile if we would ever tell our kids (much, MUCH, later down the road) about what had happened between us. It didn't take me long to decide that no good would come of it. I want our kids to see the beauty of marriage and love. I want them to believe in it and hope for it. I want them to see love between us and learn from us. I want them to see how good it can be and how rewarding it is. I believe that we can model that without having to show them that we loved so much that we got through this.

So much of me still questions a lot of what is going on. So much of me still wonders if this is all just a bad dream. So much of me aches at the thought of this happening again.

So much of me still wanders through life aimlessly. So much of me hurts that I cannot expose all of me because it still hurts too bad. The wind of life is still too devastating for the wound that is still raw.

So much of me still wants so badly to believe that I will wake up from this. Wake up and find my husband laying next to me without a crease on his brow from this heartache.

So much of me is still broken but...so much of me has been put back together.

I wish I could live the emotions that I feel. So many of them are stuck inside of me.

Day 227: I've found myself in the palm of his hand again.

Lock Down

Day 134: Had a good day but couldn't find anything to write about. My baby girl was (and still is) sick and she was in my arms all night long.

Day 135: We were planning a trip to a museum back near where we moved from last summer. Our pass was expiring so we thought we get one last visit in. Well tons of snow and our little man spiking a fever and we decided to stay home and inside. So now with our littlest one sick and our biggest one I decided to take our middle baby -- my little girl -- on a date. Nothing fancy but just being out alone is special! We went to the hardware store, a department store and the grocery store. She really had a good time and all she asked for was yogurt!

When we got home I took care of the baby, who by now was missing me, and then a bit later my husband and I worked together and built a small shelf in the laundry closet to accommodate all of the shoes that get kicked off in the kitchen right by the entry door. We did well together and it turned out to be exactly what we were hoping for.

I made a yummy dinner and then we all settled in for the night. Not a big day...just tried to let the littles rest and feel better,

Day 136: Still have a sick baby and our little man was feeling better but was fighting the end of a low grade fever. We took the day to pick up the house and I FINALLY tackled Mount Laundry. Pathetic, I know, that it took me this long but you don't have to be hard on me. Folding a dozen loads of laundry worth of clothes (or whatever it was!) was punishment enough.

The afternoon was a bust. I found the card I gave him from our most recent anniversary. Reading it just reminded me of how I thought things were going. How I felt so secure and loved. What I wouldn't give to change this...

My husband is joining in on a weightloss competition at work so he wanted to go out to one of his favorite restaurants for dinner. We took the long way, stopped at the craft store (I know, I do that a lot. My home based business is fabric based) and then made our way to the restaurant. The babies all took naps or rested on the way down and were in a great mood during dinner! They are usually well behaved but great moods were a bonus.

It was overall a good weekend.

Day 137: I got out of bed this morning before 10:00. Actually before 9:00 even. I was regretting it a bit later when I got my feelings hurt but I know that staying in bed is not the solution to my problems (even though I like to tell myself that). I woke up with a sore throat and sad because I had let some hurt feelings from the day before linger under the surface and they came with me to today. I was trying to protect myself because my husband was not being his usual attentive, aware, and eager to talk about what is bothering me self. I went into lock down mode and pushed my feelings down and it got me nowhere.

After a short conversation telling him what the problem was he only told me one thing: I would see a difference. I so appreciate that he did not promise that things would change or make excuses. He just said that I would see a difference. That makes me optimistic.

He then motivated himself and put all of the laundry away that was stacked neatly in piles in the living room. What a guy!

He called me from work earlier to tell me that he is in round three of the interview process for a new position, he got a bonus check of several hundred dollars today, and that he thinks they might make the quota for February! All good news. I could hear the smile on his face when he called. Things are definitely going at a different pace than they were even a few weeks ago. I like it but I also feel myself feeling sad more often again. Hoping he can pull me out of this funk sooner than later.

Praying my little girl feels better soon -- just in time for me to get it. I feel it coming on. I can't remember ever getting this sick this often. I think my immune system is struggling right now. I'm sure the stress is causing it.

228 days. Mount Laundry has been conquered...until next time!

Someday

Day 133: Valentine's Day.

Seven years ago was the day that he stepped off the plane into Paradise and greeted me with our first kiss. After three long years of being best friends and a few weeks of waiting for him to get there we finally were together. It was incredible.

He's given me a lot of great gifts over the years and today was one of the very best. Our friend sent us "the little box of i love you" -- a collection of 40 postcards with sweet and sappy sayings on them to go with pictures. Over the past six weeks he has been writing to me on them. They are amazing. A lot of them made me laugh and a few made me cry but all of them made me feel his love. I reread them tonight and I am blown away at the honesty and sincerity that he conveyed.

I'm happy.

To: The woman that I am putting back together -- piece by piece.

Someday.
Someday the hurt will fade.
Someday you will be more confident that I love you with all of my heart than of anything else.
Someday you will completely trust me again.
Someday I will have earned all of this.
Someday,
[Your Husband]

There are a handful of them that have this ring to them. They are the ones that make me cry because they reveal his heart. His heart that is hurting but longs more than anything to just love me.

232 days. I feel loved.

A Better Place

Day 132: He's been incredible.

I have a large order and then some other small orders that I need to get out and he has been so good at keeping me level headed about it. He even told me today that he will help me get them all organized and ready to ship.

I feel like we have been treading water for so long but that we were getting stronger while we were and now that we are back on dry land we are seeing the rewards of it. When I sit here and think about our life now -- our life 132 days into this -- I see a whole new outlook. I see that he is in a different place. A better place. A place where he has learned to love himself (if only a little at a time) and can now love me.

Some days I am confident that he will never cheat again. That his eyes (and heart) are open now and he sees the destruction and heartbreak. Some days I even think he knows how much it would hurt him if he cheated again. Those are the days when I feel the best. The most secure. The most ready to let go of a little more of this.

Other than our rough night a few days ago I've had a pretty good string of days lately. I think these are among the first happy days strung together. Four months ago I honestly believed that I would never feel good again. I honestly believed that. I couldn't see past my tears let alone the pain. I think I'm...healing!

Tomorrow is our Valentine's Day.

233 days. I have butterflies thinking about our first one together...

The Most Amazing Love

Day 131: "You two have the most amazing love!"

That is a comment that someone made to me. I told my husband and he smiled and said it's true. Then he asked me how it made me feel. I couldn't quite figure out how I felt then but now I realize I feel like a fraud. I feel like, "if they only knew...would they still feel that way?" We talked about how so many people look up to us. He asked if I stuck around because of the pressure of everyone else (not that they know about the affairs but that they would obviously know if we split up). Without a doubt my answer is no. I would have left long ago if I were listening to others so staying because of them wouldn't make any sense. 


He said to me that he has always felt that God put us together to do great things. I know he is right. I know that God is going to use us, and has used us, to do amazing things. I want to be in that place. I want to feel like we are right where God wants us to be. I want to feel like we have the most amazing love. I do know that his love for me now is amazing. 


Last night we had a rough night and I fell asleep on the couch before he was ready to go to bed. When he woke me up to go to bed I was too tired and too grouchy to get up and I told him that I was sleeping on the couch. He never got mean and though he did get a little short, he never raised his voice. He kept himself composed and said that if I was than so was he. He brought me some blankets and snuggled up on the other end and we slept 'together' on the couch. This is a new man! It wasn't a test but he still passed. That is amazing love. He saw that there was a need -- a need to give in to my shortcomings -- and he fulfilled that in an incredible way. 


234 days. Getting there.

Toys

Day 128: Oh toys. We spent four hours going through and purging the toys that have managed to overrun our house. By the time I was finished I had over five bags of things that were leaving our house plus some big things that did not require bags. It was something that we have been talking about doing for months and just in the past few weeks got serious about doing. The kids are so much happier and less overwhelmed (they had to be overwhelmed by it because I sure was) and have been so much more interested with what is left.

When we moved in late last summer I was seven months pregnant and I did not have the energy or the capability to unpack and organize us like I would have liked to. We have a goal to get everything organized and in it's place -- room by room.

Along the way I think it is crucial that we also do this in our marriage. I think there are some places that are a bit cluttered and disorganized. Some areas could use a good purge and some others that need just a light dusting.

The trick, I know, is maintaining the organization once it's put into place. The same is true in our marriage. I definitely see areas that had been left to collect dust before that are now being very well maintained. I am hopeful that we can continue adding other areas that need some more attention.

Day 129: I finally got some more things to get my sewing area in order (my toys!) so I was working on that until a bunch of my family showed up for lunch and catching up. What a fun afternoon we had.

My husband is always so great about making sure the food comes off the grill tasting amazing (yes, even in freezing weather) and so we ate well. Eventually it started snowing (after a few short days of a break) and ran everyone off. Once everyone was gone, we decided to get out of the house before it got too bad out.

Well, we've been tv free by choice for nearly two years but finally all of those months and months and months and months and months of my husband planting seeds about getting another one and a Wii to go with it paid off. I agreed to go to the electronics store but told him that we weren't buying anything. (I must admit that I had already decided that I was going to give in and let him get one.) We went in and looked around and he was just being patient and nice and even said at one point that we could leave because I was getting so overwhelmed -- seriously with all of those HUGE tvs...it was getting to me -- but we walked to a different part of the store and I pulled myself together.

After I composed myself I decided to pull the trigger -- only there was a catch. There were two sizes that he was eyeing and I knew that he wanted the bigger one (who wouldn't, right?) and so I told him I had something to ask him but he had to answer honestly. (I repeated this several times because, again, I knew he wanted the bigger one but I was afraid that he was just going to tell me what I wanted to hear -- the smaller one which was obviously less expensive.) After making sure that I was perfectly clear I asked him which one he would rather have. He kinda giggled and said that of course the bigger one but that he wanted to go over and look at them again to be sure.

We walked back over and he looked at them and then I just got close to him and hugged him and told him to get whatever he wanted. It's not something that I do often, especially when there is a lot of money involved but I really wanted to bless him.

Day 130: He went and picked up the tv this morning and stopped on the way home and got a Wii.

Oh my! Have you ever tried to hang a tv on the wall? No.small.task. But...since we have small children it was completely necessary for their safety, my sanity and the longevity of the tv. He had to leave for work right after we were finished so the game did not get set up (and I was not going to even be bothered with it). He's been really excited about this gift since last night and for all of the bursts of anxiety I've had over reintroducing a tv to our life it is totally worth his appreciation and happiness.

So tonight when he gets home (hopefully soon and safe since it's been snowing for hours without a break with near white out conditions and four hour commutes for some) I'm sure he'll get it all set up and give his new toy a try.

235 days. We all are happy about our toys!

My Type

Day 126: They delivered our new furniture today. Looks like we are staying here and not running off to paradise for awhile longer. It looks good and is super comfy!

Last night we set out to make love but I just couldn't. It hurt. I felt so sad. I could feel my husband hurting as he held me and tried to comfort me. He did everything right, I just could not get past the overwhelming feelings that I was having.

Three months ago I was able to wrap myself around him and comfort him, now I feel like I can't even comfort myself. I guess this was the test that I was fearing...if he could carry both of us. He's doing a fine job at it, now that I have reached this point, but I'm ready to walk on my own again. I don't see that happening for awhile though. 

I felt safe and loved. I felt his patience while I worked through everything. Everything felt genuine.

Day 127: We all got up this morning and I walked out into the kitchen without my pajama/house pants on. Oops! My husband whisked me off to the bedroom during breakfast time and we made love. It felt good to be out of the funk that I was in the other night.

Then I treated him to a pre-planned, guilt free shopping trip for some new work clothes -- his have seen better days. He looked really good today. I haven't seen him look that secure about himself in awhile. It made me happy. I realized today that I have never stopped loving how he looks. Both of our bodies have changed since we got married but he is still the same ruggedly handsome man that I fell in love with over ten years ago.

If someone were to ask me what my "type" was before I met him I would have never described him but God sure knew what He was doing because he is most definitely my type! Built like I imagine Samson was. Shoulders big enough to fill a doorway, legs like trees, forearms that give me the safest feeling when I am holding onto them. He is husky and broad. His brow gives him a mysterious look over his doe eyes -- that our daughter got from him!  -- and his cheeks bones compliment his smile perfectly. His five o'clock shadow is here before noon and on day three he pulls off facial hair with the best of them.

238 days. I feel giddy.

A Long Road

Day 125: It was four months ago, yesterday, that he came home and told me everything. It feels like a lifetime ago.

Today my little girl was running around one room over and I heard the smile on her face and in her heart when she said, "I'm so happy!". I don't know what was going on or what her big brother had just done but the joy that filled my soul when I heard that was almost tangible.

I thought to myself how my husband probably longs for that day and that feeling. How he is striving, not only to fix himself but, to help me fix me. I told him tonight that I feel like I am reaching a breaking point again and he said, "Well, I'll do whatever I need to do to help you get through it. I love you." I appreciate that he does not try to talk me out of how I am feeling. That he just takes it for what it is and faces it head on. As much as he longs for that day, I do too. I want to be "so happy!". I want my heart to smile again. I want to have peace again. I can't wait to have that for myself and my babies. I cannot wait to give that joy to my husband.

I have more tears than I know what to do with anymore. I cry everyday. In the past when I have heard people say that I always thought that it must take an incredibly depressed and hopeless person to cry everyday. Now, here I sit, crying everyday. Hmmm. Guess, I never thought it would be me.

We watched a movie last night and there was a quote that struck me.

No matter how much you change you still have to pay the price for the things you've done. So I got a long road.

I was sitting next to my husband and we both just shook our heads.

Day 240. We're in this together.

Pulling Back

Day 124: And back down again.

Gosh, I don't even know where to start. I hate this. I hate all of this. I'm so unbelievably sad and while it is pretty easy for me to tuck it away it is just right there ready to spill over whenever things get hard.

I don't want to do this. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to be me again and not this mess of who I've become.

I feel like this hurt amounts to nothing.

I know he's trying. I see it. I feel it. But I just hurt so badly. I cry so much.

I feel myself pulling back. I tell myself that I am protecting myself but I know that I'm not. I'm just tired of hurting. And trying means hurting. What happens if I quit trying though. I can't just give up. I don't want to and it's not who I am. I am a fighter and a lover. I don't back down. I give it all that I have until I get what I want. Why now? Why when everything that I want is on the line do I want to give up?

241 days. Hurting.

Fun Weekend

Day 121: What a lovely day. I haven't said that in awhile. It feels good.

We left later than we wanted but we made it to our destination and decided on some new furniture.

Later we spent the evening making dinner at someone-who-we love's house. She really appreciated a home cooked meal. Then we got busy playing Wii and having loads of fun. We left late but it was worth staying up.

We have not had a Saturday that good in a long time. We both really needed it.

Day 122: The day did not get off to a good start. I was tired and grouchy and a chain of events led me to staying in bed rather than getting up to get us all ready for church. I'm disappointed in myself and I am going to keep in mind what happened so that we can go next week.

He really pulled the day together after the rough morning and we got all ready and left again. We spent the day getting a few things done but ran out of time to get what I needed to get done. He told me to drop him and the toddlers off at the house so that he could get it picked up and to take myself and the baby to the store and enjoy my time. I did just that. I went and got a few things and it felt nice to not rush around.

I came home and helped finish picking up the house and then he left with an approved guy member of our family to go to a basketball game. Meanwhile, I stayed home with the babies and approved member's wife and her little one. We did some crafts with the babies and then settled in and eventually said goodnight and I put everyone down to sleep.

My husband got home sooner than I expected which was so nice and so we snuggled up and watched something together before going to bed.

What a fun weekend we had. There were some bumps along the way but we made it.

Sometime during the weekend we were sitting together on the couch and he said to me, "I don't want the storm." I think him recognizing what was coming and equipping himself made all the difference. I really do.

Day 123: Once again he took me out to get some things done that I needed to get done. He is either putting a lot of thought and effort into making me happy or is it just coming naturally these days but either way he is doing a good job. I think I feel my face smiling a little bit right now thinking about the last few days that we've had.

I feel like we are turning a bit of a corner and, as scary as that is, I'm going to let it happen. 

Oh, and we wait until the 24th of February to celebrate Valentine's Day. It was the day that he arrived in Paradise 7 years ago where we ended up getting engaged just a few short weeks later. It is corny and cheesy but it is us and we are not going to change it. Stayed tuned...

242 days. What a fun weekend!

Days Like Today

Day 120: I didn't sleep well last night which was doubly unfortunate because I said that I was going to get up early and make a grocery list so we could go shopping since it's been about a month. Eek!

None of it went as planned and I ended up throwing in the towel on leaving. My husband eventually came back to talk to me after I had calmed down and said that we should still go and that he would make sure that we had a good trip.

He made good on his word.

We left late, were cutting it close on time so that he could be to work on time, but still he kept a happy face on and had a great attitude. I love this side of him. He even stopped on the way home, though we really didn't have the time to spare, and got me a sweet tea.

He busted a move when we got home and brought all of the groceries in and then left for work. I can't remember the last time we were cutting everything so close and him having such a great attitude. It really makes me happy because when I look back I realize what a good day we ended up having because he chose to make it one.

Days like today give me a lot of hope for the future. Days like today make me see the man that I want to love me. Days like today make me feel loved. Days like today show me that he can love me through this pain. Days like today put more pieces of me back together.

245 days. I like days like today.

Massage

Day 119: I finally went for my massage this morning. It was long overdue.

As I was laying on the table I was praying. Praying that the release of stress would help me come home and be a better mother and wife. Praying that this was just what I needed to let go of some of it. Praying that God would use today as a turning point.

I can't say that I noticed any immediate answers to my prayers but I am still hopeful and my back sure does feel better.

I'm in a lull again which to me only means one thing...the storm is coming. I'm wondering how we will get through this one. Hopefully we have really learned some things from the last ones.

I suppose it means one other thing, as well. I can't find much to write about.

Day 246: The Calm.

Trust

Day 117: I took my husband to work and then the babies and I went to hang out with a loved one. We spent the evening there. It was loads of fun and a nice break from our everyday schedule. I went and picked him back up and we got home really late and spent the evening cuddled up on the couch watching a show.

Day 118:  There is a battle within. It's like I can feel it. There's a part of me hanging on and a part of me trying to let go. It's scary. I know what to do (let go) but I can't. I am too afraid that letting go of the pain will hurt. It doesn't make any sense. None of this makes any sense.

Why can't I let go? I have already made it through the worst pain I've ever known and I know this won't hurt nearly as bad. Is it because I am still afraid to trust him? (Ah, we had this conversation.) I am. I am afraid to trust him because I have to trust only in him.

One of my huge insecurities now is being able to trust myself. I never knew it was going on and, still, I look back and don't see it. How could I be so wrong? How could I be so sure of what we had when it was all falling apart in my hands? How could I be so blind? And...how can I trust myself to recognize it now?

247 days. Can I trust him?

Choosing Hope

Day 114: Ahhh. I'm so tired lately I barely remember the days. Saturday we got off to a rocky start but we managed to pull it together and get some things accomplished. I had to go to the craft store to pick up some yarn and then we went to the hardware store and picked up a bunch of supplies to redo my sewing room. We got home late and had dinner as a family and then had a movie night with the babies.

After the babies went to bed things went south in a hurry and it ended in a lot of tears. I was trying to get him to understand something that I was saying and not until I started crying did he seem to even care to comfort me. Then suddenly he got really upset and told me to hit him but was also trying to hug me. I flipped out, yelled at him and told him not to touch me. He was really confusing me and something inside me was really scared of letting him in. He tried again to hug me and I screamed --really screamed-- at him not to touch me and then I jumped up and went to the other couch.

He came over and we talked for a long time. We've always made it a point not to go to bed angry. This night was no different.

Day 115: We woke without enough time to get ready for church since we were up so late.

He helped me all day in my sewing room. Moving things, framing and hanging pegboard, moving things again, moving all of my fabric (there is a lot of fabric). It was refreshing to work together so well. By mid afternoon we were beat. The sewing room was trashed but the boards were hung and the cabinet was moved and anchored to the wall. We got the babies ready to go over to watch the Super Bowl Game with some family! The evening was fun. With some help, I cooked several dozens of hot wings and there were lots of other goodies to munch on. We all ate and enjoyed watching the Steelers lose (please don't stop reading my blog if you are a Steelers fan, it's nothing personal).

We came home really late and crashed.

Day 116: Choosing hope.

When there is no human reason to hope then is the greatest time to find hope in Our Lord. He is the what gets us through when all seems lost. When everything seems ruined and over and there is no reason left to hope He is still there. He is still holding our hand, carrying our heart, wiping our tears.

249 days. Today I choose hope.

His Gift

Day 113: I logged onto the computer after putting the babies to bed and found this: 

My world revolves around this gift that God has graciously bestowed upon me. The sun rises and sets with this responsibility that He has entrusted me with. I have made mistakes. Bad ones. But I have been given another chance and I can't let my regret and sadness hinder me. I have a mission to accomplish. A woman to love. A family to raise. Thank You God for Your unbelievable grace. Thank you, [Babe], for your unbelievable faith in me. I love you.

 252 days. I feel blessed today.

It Goes By So Fast

Day 112: What a mess. We are working through it but it is nothing short of a mess.

I have been feeling lately that life is back to where it was before I knew all of this. Back to the routine and rut that it was in. (I mean rut in a good way.) We are coming and going and ebbing and flowing like we used to. Life is life again but now I have this burden strapped to my back that weighs me down.

I have been sleeping in more and more lately. I hate it. I know I am missing out and my babies are not going to be small forever. I am so afraid to miss out (did I already blog about this?). I am so afraid to look back in a year and realize that my babies are another year older (especially my newborn -- who is now four months old) and I missed it. Oh my, the pain in thinking that.

It feels like she was just born, it feels like she was just days old, it feels like she was 18 days old in my arms when he came home and broke my heart. It feels like that was all yesterday but, you know what, she rolled over today. I wish I could pause her. My little man is getting close to turning four and my little two year old girl is growing up so much. Becoming so independent and out spoken. It just goes by too fast.

Life goes by so fast. I keep waiting for something to change. I keep waiting for that feeling that everything is ok. That we are going to make it...for sure. That we are healed. That we are beyond this. Sometimes I think that will never come. That no matter what we fix and how much time passes that this will always be a monkey on my back. Goodness, I hope not.

I want my babies to have a happy mommy. I want to be what they need -- all of the time. I want to be whole for them

I want my husband to have a happy wife. I want to be what he needs -- all of the time. I want to be whole for him.

I want to be happy. I want be what I need to be -- all of the time. I want to be whole for me.

253 days. Still learning to let go.

*Will I Be Loved?*

Day 111:

Written on Day 111 (2.2.11)

-------------------------------------------------------

When all is said and done
Where will my heart be?

Will I be stronger?
Will I be wiser?
Will I be loved?

This hurt is overwhelming.
This hurt is taking over.
This hurt is all I know now
That my world is ripped in two.

The room is getting smaller.
The voices sound so faint.
It's all closing in on me.
How do I escape?

When all is said and done
Where will my heart be?

Will I be stronger?
Will I be wiser?
Will I be loved?

I don't know how to do this.
I don't know if I can make it.
I want this to be over.
I want the wound to heal.

Does anyone hear my cry?
Can anyone see my tears?
Am I going to survive this?
Lord, are you there?

When all is said and done
Where will my heart be?

Will I be stronger?
Will I be wiser?
Will I be loved?

One step at a time now.
I just keep pressing on
Though I'm lost on my way.
I'm fighting as I go. 

He holds me when I cry.
He wipes away my tears.
He says that he's sorry.
He says he'll be here.

When all is said and done
My heart will still be his.

I know I'll be stronger.
I don't care if I'm wiser.
But, will I be loved?

254 days. I just want to be loved.

Another Note

Day 110:

Written on day 104 (1.26.11).

-------------------------------------------------------------

My Love,

I rarely find time these days to think, let alone write.

Life is hard right now. Emotional highs have died down and real life is here staring us in the face. Part of me wants to back down. Surrender and give in to the pain and hopelessness. Part of me feels like there's no chance at ever making this work again, but who am I kidding...it never was working. Our marriage was broken long before I ever knew. Our marriage has always been broken. It's such a sad reality for me to face. The idea that I was pouring myself into something that had no life.

I think back to the times when I would tell you that I had nothing left to give...think back and my heart breaks at knowing that it was so very true. Everything that I was giving was falling on infertile ground. You could not (would not) receive what I was giving and yet you were asking for more of me.

This wound of mine is so deep and so real, and so very infected right now. It hurts now more than it did three months ago. It hurts more knowing how far there is to go. It hurts knowing that this is reality. It hurts knowing that you rejected me. It hurts knowing that I was not enough. That you wanted (and had) other things. That you threw it all away. Gave it all up the first time you ever decided that you would have something else. Gave it all up over and over and over and over and over and over again. Over and over and over.

I try to let it go. I try to move forward, yet there it is. Always. It lurks in the shadows, it haunts me in my sleep. It finds its way into my most sacred thoughts. It ruins good days and keeps away happy moments. It's overwhelming and I'm not sure you realize to what extent.

I'm sorry that I have bad days on end. I'm sorry sometimes I can't manage a giggle or a smile. I'm sorry that the things that used to make me laugh only make me sad or angry now. I'm sorry that now you are here and trying I am off somewhere in my head living a different life. Lost with all of this hurt and anguish. Lost in my own misery. Lost with no direction on how to get back. I'm sorry I'm not the wife that you once knew. I'm sorry that in her place is a sad, lonely, depressed, anxious mess of a wife. I'm sorry that I have very little (if anything) to offer and I'm even more sorry that I cannot tell you when I will have anything more. I'm sorry that I have no place left to internalize my thoughts and feelings yet at the same time I hold back because I'm unable to express what I really feel. I'm sorry things that should be important don't even matter to me. I'm sorry that I'm not coping well with life right now.

I'm still hanging on though, as tough as it may be. I'm still fighting though I'm weak.

I love you,
Me

255 days. He told me that I have no reason to be sorry and that he is determined to fight harder than ever now. He told me that everything that fell onto infertile ground is still there and that the ground is fertile now. That it was not for nothing. It was a good night of healing.

Ten Years Ago

Day 107: Saturday we were going to drive 3 hours to go shopping for a new carseat for our little man. That was the plan. However, my husband got this fantastic idea to go to an indoor water park resort for the night. After considering and reconsidering we decided to wait a day and go on Sunday. We spent Saturday gathering groceries and other things to offset some of the cost.

We were out most of the day running errands and just enjoying time out of the house after being cooped up for so long. It was a very pleasant day.

Day 108: We woke up and went to church. We have been planning on going to church for a long time but just finally made the commitment. We tried out a new church and, though it's not the right fit for our family, we really enjoyed ourselves and are so happy that we made the first step at finding a new family to worship with. The message was on tithing but there were still some points that the Pastor made that left me wondering if my husband was thinking about them and how they applied to our life as it is now.

After we left church, we came back home, grabbed the rest of the things that we needed and headed to the water park. We made a small pit stop to drop off the car that we had been borrowing and then continued on our way.

We pulled up to the resort and it was so grand. It is a somewhat local attraction to us but one that I have never visited. We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening swimming and playing and really unwinding from life. I felt so happy the whole night.

Once we got the babies settled in -- they conked out pretty easily after a day of swimming -- we snuggled up together, watched a little tv, had a snack and then turned in early. I knew all along that there was going to be some loving going on and I was totally on board. What I did not expect was the intense trigger that was going to come along.

All of the women he paid were met in a hotel room. I knew this but I thought I could overcome it without a meltdown. Wrong. We were all cuddled up together and my mind was going in every direction. I could not relax. My husband was being so loving and finally backed off a bit and said that he didn't know why but he felt like he should tell me that he never got under the covers with any of the women. I can't say that it made it all better -- I mean, he still had sex with them -- but it did comfort me knowing that he recognized that I was not doing well. I cried and he held me and told me that if I just wanted to cuddle that he understood (the way he said this was so heartfelt and sincere). I just let him hold me and melt away my sadness and then we made love.

Day 109: The babies slept in but we still had time to eat breakfast, pack up our things, and play in the water some more before we left to come back home. What a lovely getaway this was for us. I'm so glad that my husband created a beautiful weekend for our family.

Ten years ago today.
Ten years ago I met my husband for the first time.
Ten years ago I fell in love, though I didn't know it.
Ten years ago my breathe caught in my throat when I saw him. 
Ten years ago I saw him and felt different than I ever had before.
Ten years ago I saw him and felt different than I ever have again.
Ten years ago I met my best friend.
Ten years ago still gives me butterflies to think about.  
Ten years ago I gave my heart away.
Ten years ago today was the best day of my life.


I think I have smiled more today than I have in a long time.

256 days. When God made you, He must have been thinking about me.

Van

Day 104: I broke the computer charger but my husband picked one up for me on his way home.

Day 105: Praise the Lord, we found a van. It was a long day but we worked together and got a van for our family. We took the babies out last night to celebrate but didn't go too far because it was snowing. Here's to hoping that this will shake the cabin fever!

Day 106: I woke up with a migraine and my husband aced today. He was so kind and gentle and loving. He told me to sleep in but I ended up getting up anyways because it was not going away. A little bit later he told me to lay down and rest while he took the babies and made lunch. I woke up to the most delicious smelling lunch and my head was feeling so much better.

We had a good week. I had a rough night the other night and was telling my husband that it is harder than ever right now. That I am scared that I will never really be happy again. I was a little shy about telling him (this is a first) because I was afraid that I would scare him into thinking that there is no point in trying when it seems to be getting us nowhere fast but he surprised me. He told me that he is more determined than ever to help me heal. He held me and let me cry and really was a comfort to me.

This weekend I think we are going to try a new church (now that we have a van to get us all there). I am excited and nervous. I think it is just what we need right now, though.

259 days. I love him.

We're Rich

Day 103: We're rich. Rich in love!

That's something I've been telling my little man since he was...well, little. He says it sporadically now and it just melts my heart. Someday I hope all of my babies feel that way.

I've always been rich...in love. I think it is the best (and only) way to live a happy life. I could leave it all behind as long as I had my husband and my little people with me. They are life. They are what makes it what it is. Everything else is just stuff.

Sometimes I ponder what life would be like if we all just loved a little more. Wouldn't it be a better place? I sure think so. Wouldn't life be better if we stopped to think about others more often and ourselves a little less. I think love is the only thing worth living for. The only thing worth stopping for. The only thing that keeps us going. Without love there is nothing.

God loves us so much that He gave His only Son to die for us. As a youngster when I was saved I never quite understood the significance of that. Now, as a mother, it brings tears to my eyes. God loves us SO much. SO much that He gave His ONLY Son?!?! Think about that. His ONLY Son. The piece of His heart that nothing else can fill.

I love my babies so much. More than I could ever put into words.

No one else will ever know the strength
of my LOVE for you. After all, you're the
only one who knows what my heart
sounds like from the inside.

Love. I need more. We all need more. We all need to give more. 

Things have been a little rough lately. I pray though that my husband feels loved. He is. More than he'll ever know. No one will ever love him the way that I do. No one will ever love him for who he is like I do. No one will ever love him for all of his triumphs and failures. No one will ever love him as much as the Lord created me to. No one will ever love him for growing up together. No one will ever love him for learning life together. No one will ever love him for standing strong together. No one will ever love him for becoming parents together. No one will ever love him for promising forever to one another. He is loved. He will always be loved. 

262 days. LOVE. 

On the Mend

Day 99: Thursday night (after having already been sick for almost 3 whole days) it hit me really hard. I couldn't keep any food or drink in me. I woke up Friday morning and it was more of the same. I tried drinking some water but not even that would stay in my stomach. Oh my. I have not been that sick in a long time.

By Friday evening I had lost 6 pounds in the previous two days but I was able to hold in some Miso soup. Praise the Lord for that suggestion from my friend. I ate a few small servings of that throughout the afternoon and evening and just tried to take it as easy as possible.

Day 100: He told me the night before to sleep in and he would take care of the babies. And so...I did. I slept (off and on) until 11:30. It felt really good. I woke up feeling much better but very weak from the four days before. I had hardly eaten and now had lost seven pounds -- my husband informed me that there are better ways to lose weight...HA! By now though, I was going crazy so against my better judgment I got up and started cleaning the mess that had become of my house. I did overdo it a bit I didn't overdo it to the point of getting sick again, but it put me in a better mood.

We arranged for some family to come over and watch the babies so that we could go out and look at a van. We are trying so desperately to find something inexpensive but reliable so that we can still have plenty of money to move to Hawaii. The endeavor has been nothing short of challenging, stressful, and at times hopeless. So we took the littlest baby with us to look at what turned out to be a lemon. Boo. It was a long -- cold -- day but we came home and made dinner for our family guests and then spent the evening playing cards, chatting, and laughing our heads off.

Day 101: The nightmares are back and they are BAD. I had the worst one so far and it was with me all day. When I told my husband that I had a nightmare and he asked me what it was about I could not even make myself say it out loud. We both agreed that we need to pray every night for peaceful sleep.

It was a lazy but productive day. I folded and he put away Mount Laundry. I tackled some other things that really needed attention and he spent some of the day looking at vans that both turned out to be duds. Ugh, I hate car shopping. We ended the night watching a movie with the kids and then we watched a few things and went to bed too.

I mentioned to him that lately (and not just while I was sick) I feel like he has been less affectionate to me. He said that it is hard to feel rejected and I have not been very receptive lately so he was keeping some distance. I told him that I have suffered the ultimate rejection (though typing that now I realize that's not true because he didn't walk away on the arm of another woman but...) and that I am still here trying. I still put my heart on the line despite the hurt I feel. He also said that he didn't feel like I wanted him close. I explained to him that when I am down and feeling insecure that is, more than ever, when I need to feel like he cares about me and wants me. I think before I was even finished telling him what I had to say he had already gotten it. It had already clicked. I really hope now that I am over this stomach bug that we can resume our normal routine and that things will start looking up again.

Day 102: A lazy Monday. I caught up on some overdo orders this morning with help from my husband cutting and labeling packages for me. It was such a sweet gesture when he walked to the other end of the house to help without me asking him. I still have a lot of work to catch up on but...one day at a time, right? A girl can only do so much.

The last week went by in a haze. I am feeling much better though and I have a lot of hope that things are going to take a turn for the better. My posts are lacking but I wanted to document a few things that I do remember from the last several days, though I cannot remember exactly when they happened.

*We were all (all five of us) laying in bed one morning and I said, "This is nice." He responded by saying, "This is what it's all about." I agree with him.
*I was woken up almost every morning in the last week with a foot rub.
*My husband was really, really patient with the babies while I was sick and even more patient with me.
*I got upset a few times this weekend. Once he said, "I know you are upset and I don't know what to do but I am trying to react correctly." (Wow.) Another time he said, "I am reacting just like I did before and I can't do that anymore." (Another wow.) There were a few other things that he said that were as equally as hopeful that he is really working hard to overcome this hurdle.

263 days. On the mend.