Day 167: He woke up sick and I let him sleep until mid morning. I could tell that he wasn't feeling well.
That was confirmed less than an hour later when he came into the kitchen and told me that he had called off for the day.
Strangely I was feeling quite motivated and by now had already browned some ribs and put them into the slow cooker and was working on stuffed chicken breasts for lunch. Don't really know what got into me but no one was complaining.
I didn't end up getting any sewing done since he was home. We just sat around most of the day until after dinner. He was feeling a bit better and stir crazy so he suggested we go for a drive. I know, I know that's kinda against the rules of calling off but he did lay around most of the day so...
We ended up going to a craft store to let the kids (and me) pick out some things to work on. They got some buttons to practice threading and sewing and I found some lovely fabric to make my girls matching dresses for the summer.
Towards the end of the trip I noticed that he was getting really worn out so we left and went straight home. We put the babies to bed and then sat together and watched a movie. I actually stayed awake for the entire movie, which is the first time in longer than I can remember.
Day 168: Well, it looks like we are all getting sick...again. I am hoping that it is short this time. I am going to go to the Health Food Store tomorrow and pick up some things. I cannot go through what I just went through a few weeks ago. I cannot do it right now.
He was feeling worse today than yesterday but went to work anyways. Not before taking our little man to get a haircut though. His birthday is coming up -- I cannot believe that he is going to be four -- and every year since his second birthday we have cut his hair (yes, that's only three haircuts in his time). He has the most gorgeous curly locks but they are getting long and in his eyes and thick and it was time. This year though he went to the barber and got a little boy cut.
Ahhh, my husband brought him home and I could have cried. It wasn't as shocking this time, and he is still as cute as a bug, but I always miss it. He's is such a handsome little man. I am super sad that I forgot to ask my husband to bring me a lock home so that I could put it in the little box with his other locks though. I can't think about it too much or I'll cry.
I'm not feeling as overwhelmed today but I know that it can change in an instant. I need to break out of this depression...I just don't know how and it's maddening. I don't know how to move forward and start getting better again when I am stuck in this deep place within myself. Springtime cannot come fast enough. Right now it's my only idea -- more sunlight, fresh air and flowers.
197 days. Springtime.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The Stand Mixer Arrived
Day 163: I finally got a new (to me!) washer.
Unless you've been there, you don't know how incredibly tedious it is to have a washer without a working timer and to have to switch the cycle from wash to spin to rinse to spin every 10-4-9-4 minutes. I was so behind on laundry and it's been like this for months. Months! I try not to complain, I mean, I could be hand washing, but it was time to move on. So thanks to my husband and my brother in law I have a new washer installed and I am nearly caught up on washing (folding and putting away will be another story).
This day did not go without resistance though. We tried and tried but we were misfiring. He was not communicating well and I was struggling not to shut down. By late afternoon I had all but given up. He knew it but could not pull himself out of the funk that he as in. After eating dinner we decided to take the babies to play at an indoor play center. What a great idea! They had a blast and played for close to two hours. We left and they quickly fell asleep so we drove around.
We are not looking to put our roots down here (well I'm not for sure) but my husband had told me about this house that is down the road a bit. We found it in the dark and had ourselves a look (from the car). It is set on this huge lot behind a corn field. I was eager to see the cost because it is a foreclosure so as soon as we got home he looked it up. It is out of price range (though not by much if we tried hard enough) but it is on 20 acres of land!!! I've been dreaming ever since.
Do you know what I could do on that much land? Grow most, if not all, of the produce that we would need as a family, get a cow (never lay eyes on it so that we could have it slaughtered at the end of the year), have more than enough play room for the babies, grow enough to sell at farmer's markets and then some. Oh, if only I could move the home and the land and make it within our budget. (Or get ourselves a ticket to paradise and live on the beach!)
Day 164: My baby girl turned six months old. We celebrated with a new toy for her (she's so active these days) and she decided that her first tooth was in order. She's growing up too quickly. We sang her a birthday song and just loved on her while I tried to cement the memories of the day into my heart and mind.
My husband had a hard day. He was feeling crummy and wanted to veg and I wanted to get out. So...I took the baby and my little man and we set out to get some things done. A trip to pick up the toy that I bought, the fabric store, and the grocery store proved to be just enough to completely wear me out. I came home and we made dinner together and then finished the night with a movie.
Day 165: Another restless night for my little girl. I now realize it's that tooth that's disrupting her sleep. Poor thing. I just hold her and rock her and memorize her tiny little features.
I'm still struggling. I'm actually downright miserable right now. I'm so depressed and I've come to know that I don't know how to be depressed. It's not my nature. I just want to sleep and sleep and wake up when I'm in a good mood. I can't even stand myself.
The only thing really making me happy right now is my babies and I'm failing miserably at being the mama that I want to be to them. I don't want to be in this house anymore but we can't afford to buy our own place and even if we could I don't want to live here. I want to move away. I like it when we lived further from our families. It made things easier. We weren't having to dodge weekend visits so often. Actually we got visits so sporadically that I don't think we ever turned one down. Ah, I miss those days. We did what we wanted. No one knew what we were up to.
Some days I want to just go nuts and tell everyone why I don't want visits from people that don't make me happy. Because I'm a mess trying to survive infidelity and I don't need someone here who adds anymore stress or unhappiness. In the end though I always talk myself down and remember that I really don't want anyone to know. It would only serve as a temporary fix to keep them away.
On top of that, (is any of it even making sense?) my husband finally got his schedule for the eighteen month training program that he just made it into. It's going to make our life harder than it already is. There are shifts of every kind: 9-5, 11-7, overnights, weekends... and they last for a few months at a time. It is not at all what I was expecting and now is making me regret ever being on board with him going for this new position. I can't help but think that it is all for naught. We'll see.
I have a bunch of problems without any solutions. I'm a wreck. He's trying. He's knows that I'm hurting. Goodness, I know that he hurt me, but I don't know how he puts up with me. I can barely put up with me. Somehow he hasn't pushed me over the edge that I am teetering on.
Day 166: My stand mixer arrived today. I'm so excited. It's something that I have wanted for so long and something that I know my husband has wanted to buy me. It's so pretty sitting there on my counter top. He got me a good one.
I had to try it out so...we made a cake. Yep, me and the babies back in the kitchen. It's been too long. We had so much fun watching the machine do all of the work. Round and round and round. Mix, mix, mix. Taste, taste, taste, taste, taste, taste. Yes, I realize that's not balanced but it's how baking is done here! It turned out great.
I'm hoping for a relaxing night. Things have been too tense lately.
199 days. Someday. (<---- that's a link)
Unless you've been there, you don't know how incredibly tedious it is to have a washer without a working timer and to have to switch the cycle from wash to spin to rinse to spin every 10-4-9-4 minutes. I was so behind on laundry and it's been like this for months. Months! I try not to complain, I mean, I could be hand washing, but it was time to move on. So thanks to my husband and my brother in law I have a new washer installed and I am nearly caught up on washing (folding and putting away will be another story).
This day did not go without resistance though. We tried and tried but we were misfiring. He was not communicating well and I was struggling not to shut down. By late afternoon I had all but given up. He knew it but could not pull himself out of the funk that he as in. After eating dinner we decided to take the babies to play at an indoor play center. What a great idea! They had a blast and played for close to two hours. We left and they quickly fell asleep so we drove around.
We are not looking to put our roots down here (well I'm not for sure) but my husband had told me about this house that is down the road a bit. We found it in the dark and had ourselves a look (from the car). It is set on this huge lot behind a corn field. I was eager to see the cost because it is a foreclosure so as soon as we got home he looked it up. It is out of price range (though not by much if we tried hard enough) but it is on 20 acres of land!!! I've been dreaming ever since.
Do you know what I could do on that much land? Grow most, if not all, of the produce that we would need as a family, get a cow (never lay eyes on it so that we could have it slaughtered at the end of the year), have more than enough play room for the babies, grow enough to sell at farmer's markets and then some. Oh, if only I could move the home and the land and make it within our budget. (Or get ourselves a ticket to paradise and live on the beach!)
Day 164: My baby girl turned six months old. We celebrated with a new toy for her (she's so active these days) and she decided that her first tooth was in order. She's growing up too quickly. We sang her a birthday song and just loved on her while I tried to cement the memories of the day into my heart and mind.
My husband had a hard day. He was feeling crummy and wanted to veg and I wanted to get out. So...I took the baby and my little man and we set out to get some things done. A trip to pick up the toy that I bought, the fabric store, and the grocery store proved to be just enough to completely wear me out. I came home and we made dinner together and then finished the night with a movie.
Day 165: Another restless night for my little girl. I now realize it's that tooth that's disrupting her sleep. Poor thing. I just hold her and rock her and memorize her tiny little features.
I'm still struggling. I'm actually downright miserable right now. I'm so depressed and I've come to know that I don't know how to be depressed. It's not my nature. I just want to sleep and sleep and wake up when I'm in a good mood. I can't even stand myself.
The only thing really making me happy right now is my babies and I'm failing miserably at being the mama that I want to be to them. I don't want to be in this house anymore but we can't afford to buy our own place and even if we could I don't want to live here. I want to move away. I like it when we lived further from our families. It made things easier. We weren't having to dodge weekend visits so often. Actually we got visits so sporadically that I don't think we ever turned one down. Ah, I miss those days. We did what we wanted. No one knew what we were up to.
Some days I want to just go nuts and tell everyone why I don't want visits from people that don't make me happy. Because I'm a mess trying to survive infidelity and I don't need someone here who adds anymore stress or unhappiness. In the end though I always talk myself down and remember that I really don't want anyone to know. It would only serve as a temporary fix to keep them away.
On top of that, (is any of it even making sense?) my husband finally got his schedule for the eighteen month training program that he just made it into. It's going to make our life harder than it already is. There are shifts of every kind: 9-5, 11-7, overnights, weekends... and they last for a few months at a time. It is not at all what I was expecting and now is making me regret ever being on board with him going for this new position. I can't help but think that it is all for naught. We'll see.
I have a bunch of problems without any solutions. I'm a wreck. He's trying. He's knows that I'm hurting. Goodness, I know that he hurt me, but I don't know how he puts up with me. I can barely put up with me. Somehow he hasn't pushed me over the edge that I am teetering on.
Day 166: My stand mixer arrived today. I'm so excited. It's something that I have wanted for so long and something that I know my husband has wanted to buy me. It's so pretty sitting there on my counter top. He got me a good one.
I had to try it out so...we made a cake. Yep, me and the babies back in the kitchen. It's been too long. We had so much fun watching the machine do all of the work. Round and round and round. Mix, mix, mix. Taste, taste, taste, taste, taste, taste. Yes, I realize that's not balanced but it's how baking is done here! It turned out great.
I'm hoping for a relaxing night. Things have been too tense lately.
199 days. Someday. (<---- that's a link)
Friday, March 25, 2011
Special Weekend
Day 160: He worked until 1am last night and I cannot go to sleep without him. He called me several times from the work line so that I knew that he was there. I'm having a rough time lately but I feel like we are in a good place. Unfortunately him working so late just added to my sleep debt.
We had an unexpected visitor and she and her little girl stayed to play late into the night.
Day 161: My small at home business is exploding right now and I have been using a lot of my free time to catch up. We are also working with a friend to hopefully start up a local non-profit organization soon. This is something that my husband and I have wanted to do for a long time so it's very exciting.
We lost my husband's Grandma 4 years ago today. It was sudden and just weeks before we were due with our first baby. I still miss her. She was amazing. She had so much wisdom. Still missing you, Grandma.
Day 162: I've had a rough week and he knows that. He suggested a mini vacation this weekend. At the very least he promised that it would be special. I am excited to see what he has in store. I'm not sure going out of town will be relaxing but we'll see what comes of it.
He bought a blu ray player and it arrived today so he says he going to stop and get a movie and some ice cream! I've been craving it lately and I'm not even ashamed to admit it. I am looking forward to snuggling up on the couch and watching a good movie. Hopefully it's a chick flick and not an action movie but I usually fall asleep before it's over, no matter what movie it is, so I'm not sure why I really care.
I'm judging by how busy I am and the mood that I'm in that life has pushed me into a lull. Hoping to come out of this one peacefully. Maybe Spring will warm things up here soon and lift my spirits.
203 days. Anxiously awaiting sunny days.
We had an unexpected visitor and she and her little girl stayed to play late into the night.
Day 161: My small at home business is exploding right now and I have been using a lot of my free time to catch up. We are also working with a friend to hopefully start up a local non-profit organization soon. This is something that my husband and I have wanted to do for a long time so it's very exciting.
We lost my husband's Grandma 4 years ago today. It was sudden and just weeks before we were due with our first baby. I still miss her. She was amazing. She had so much wisdom. Still missing you, Grandma.
Day 162: I've had a rough week and he knows that. He suggested a mini vacation this weekend. At the very least he promised that it would be special. I am excited to see what he has in store. I'm not sure going out of town will be relaxing but we'll see what comes of it.
He bought a blu ray player and it arrived today so he says he going to stop and get a movie and some ice cream! I've been craving it lately and I'm not even ashamed to admit it. I am looking forward to snuggling up on the couch and watching a good movie. Hopefully it's a chick flick and not an action movie but I usually fall asleep before it's over, no matter what movie it is, so I'm not sure why I really care.
I'm judging by how busy I am and the mood that I'm in that life has pushed me into a lull. Hoping to come out of this one peacefully. Maybe Spring will warm things up here soon and lift my spirits.
203 days. Anxiously awaiting sunny days.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Golf
Day 156: On the drive down I was remembering the day after he told me. We had already made plans to go help out down there and I did not want to cancel on them even though I was running on a few hours of sleep and I was in a daze. He asked me if I remember how I felt that day. I do. I felt like I was having a nightmare. All I wanted to do was wake up from it. He asked me if things are better now. They are and they aren't. I am not reduced to tears as easily these days -- though they are always under the surface. I think I understand that this had nothing to do with me and was his problem. I think I feel more loved now than I did right after I found out. Those things, even with the uncertainty that comes with them, make it better. What makes it worse though is that I know I am not having a nightmare. I still have days where I think that I am and wish and pray that I am but for the most part I know this is my reality.
We had a great day visiting our loved ones. We stopped at a few stores and then had dinner.
Day 157: Woke up and had the most delicious pancake breakfast. We spent the morning just hanging out before we packed up to come back home. On the drive home we started talking again.
It started when drove past a golf course and he mentioned how nice it would be to go. Just the mere mention of the sport makes me trigger. Why? Well, because over the years he complained that he had no freedom and while it's true I look back and know now that he was taking it even though I was not giving. I also look back and think that I was unable to give that to him because I was insecure. Not insecure like I am now but I always have felt like I have to make myself his first priority. It's obvious now that something was missing. I have to think that if he had been pouring himself into our marriage it would have been amazing. He says its so easy. So easy to love me like he does now. Goodness, the pain he has makes my heart hurt.
All of those years when he was stealing our time and money. All of those years he was doing what he wanted. Why didn't he go golfing? Now I just cringe at the thought. I have no (read: none, zero, zilch, nada) desire to punish him. I just want time to pass so that it doesn't sting like it does now. I told him that I have an unexplainable amount of anger that is directed at the thought of him golfing but that I am ok with it. It is something that I don't really have to deal with and it takes some of the pressure off. This is something that I feel like I can bury, only talk about once in awhile and it will eventually dissipate. The way I described it to him was like burying something soluble in the earth. Eventually it will seep away. I'm not kidding myself, that's how this feels and I am ok with that.
Day 158: My baby girl is growing and trying crawl and that means she needs more time in my lap while she fights sleep. That means that I can't always do what I have planned but that's ok. She's not going to be little forever and I cherish ever nap that she takes in my arms. I can't believe how big she is getting. It goes by too fast.
Day 159: I have not been getting enough sleep over the past week and it is definitely affecting my mood. I've been a grouch all day long. We barely made it through today without a major outburst. I really need to get some good rest tonight. Hopefully I'll wake up in a better mood tomorrow. He deserves for me to be.
206 days. Tired.
We had a great day visiting our loved ones. We stopped at a few stores and then had dinner.
Day 157: Woke up and had the most delicious pancake breakfast. We spent the morning just hanging out before we packed up to come back home. On the drive home we started talking again.
It started when drove past a golf course and he mentioned how nice it would be to go. Just the mere mention of the sport makes me trigger. Why? Well, because over the years he complained that he had no freedom and while it's true I look back and know now that he was taking it even though I was not giving. I also look back and think that I was unable to give that to him because I was insecure. Not insecure like I am now but I always have felt like I have to make myself his first priority. It's obvious now that something was missing. I have to think that if he had been pouring himself into our marriage it would have been amazing. He says its so easy. So easy to love me like he does now. Goodness, the pain he has makes my heart hurt.
All of those years when he was stealing our time and money. All of those years he was doing what he wanted. Why didn't he go golfing? Now I just cringe at the thought. I have no (read: none, zero, zilch, nada) desire to punish him. I just want time to pass so that it doesn't sting like it does now. I told him that I have an unexplainable amount of anger that is directed at the thought of him golfing but that I am ok with it. It is something that I don't really have to deal with and it takes some of the pressure off. This is something that I feel like I can bury, only talk about once in awhile and it will eventually dissipate. The way I described it to him was like burying something soluble in the earth. Eventually it will seep away. I'm not kidding myself, that's how this feels and I am ok with that.
Day 158: My baby girl is growing and trying crawl and that means she needs more time in my lap while she fights sleep. That means that I can't always do what I have planned but that's ok. She's not going to be little forever and I cherish ever nap that she takes in my arms. I can't believe how big she is getting. It goes by too fast.
Day 159: I have not been getting enough sleep over the past week and it is definitely affecting my mood. I've been a grouch all day long. We barely made it through today without a major outburst. I really need to get some good rest tonight. Hopefully I'll wake up in a better mood tomorrow. He deserves for me to be.
206 days. Tired.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Leaving Town
Day 154: Up and down.
I made him find a ride to work yesterday. It was a bad day. He said that he was sorry. I don't think he meant to hurt me but he did. I took the babies out. We played at Chick Fil A, went to the craft store and I cooled off. I went to pick him up. Too bad he was an hour late getting out of work and I had to sit in the parking lot until eleven pm. We talked last night once we got home. Still learning.
Day 155: It's in the sixties here today!
The babies played outside -- I even took the little one out with us after she woke up from her nap. I picked up the house and got a bit of crafting done. We are headed out of town to stay with some loved ones for the weekend. It should be fun.
We're leaving tonight once he gets home from work. It's over an hour drive. We should have a good talk. I still need to finish packing us.
210 days. I love long car rides.
I made him find a ride to work yesterday. It was a bad day. He said that he was sorry. I don't think he meant to hurt me but he did. I took the babies out. We played at Chick Fil A, went to the craft store and I cooled off. I went to pick him up. Too bad he was an hour late getting out of work and I had to sit in the parking lot until eleven pm. We talked last night once we got home. Still learning.
Day 155: It's in the sixties here today!
The babies played outside -- I even took the little one out with us after she woke up from her nap. I picked up the house and got a bit of crafting done. We are headed out of town to stay with some loved ones for the weekend. It should be fun.
We're leaving tonight once he gets home from work. It's over an hour drive. We should have a good talk. I still need to finish packing us.
210 days. I love long car rides.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Still Believing
Day 153: Still holding on.
Revisiting some of the songs that I listened to early on.
You said that I would be ok. -- I feel ok somedays. Others I feel like I'm falling apart. Barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating.
My head and heart are still caught up in a storm most days. I need a great love. I need a big love. I need a deep love. I need to know what forever feels like. I need to know that I'm your all. I need to know that I mean everything to you. That you'll be everything that I need. That you'll make everything ok.
You say that you're sorry. You say that you are working on you. You say that I can believe you.
You say that you were wrong. That you learned from your mistakes. That you would change everything. You say that you'll fight. Fight for a second chance. Fight for us.
212 days. I'm still here. I'm still fighting too. I'm still believing is us.
Revisiting some of the songs that I listened to early on.
You said that I would be ok. -- I feel ok somedays. Others I feel like I'm falling apart. Barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating.
My head and heart are still caught up in a storm most days. I need a great love. I need a big love. I need a deep love. I need to know what forever feels like. I need to know that I'm your all. I need to know that I mean everything to you. That you'll be everything that I need. That you'll make everything ok.
You say that you're sorry. You say that you are working on you. You say that I can believe you.
You say that you were wrong. That you learned from your mistakes. That you would change everything. You say that you'll fight. Fight for a second chance. Fight for us.
212 days. I'm still here. I'm still fighting too. I'm still believing is us.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
My Birthday
Day 152: It's official. I'm twenty-seven.
I was born at 3:01am on March 15, 1984. I was fifteen days late but my mother let me come on my own time.
Today was a good day. My husband woke me up and said that he was sorry that he let me sleep so long (I've been asking him not to let me sleep all morning) but that he had to get some things ready. I came out and there were sweet, sweet cards that he and the babies made for me. Then I went on a scavenger hunt with clues. At the end I had collected ten letters that I had to unscramble. It read, "Stand Mixer". I'm so excited!!!
After realizing that he didn't actually buy me one but that it was him telling me to find one that I like and to get it (he knows how much I like a good deal and I'll probably be able to find one online) I got to dreaming about what I want. This is such a sweet gift. Something that I've wanted for a long time. I bake a lot and with three little ones this will certainly help!
A little bit later my toddlers ran in to the living room to tell me to "come look". I walked down to hall to see the cutest little birthday cake that my husband got me. An ice cream cake. They sang to me and then we all enjoyed the cake. It was so good.
He left for work after giving me a lovely morning. I love him. He really makes me feel special.
In a little bit we'll watch one of my favorite guilty pleasure shows and then go to bed.
213 days. Getting close to a day of good memories.
I was born at 3:01am on March 15, 1984. I was fifteen days late but my mother let me come on my own time.
Today was a good day. My husband woke me up and said that he was sorry that he let me sleep so long (I've been asking him not to let me sleep all morning) but that he had to get some things ready. I came out and there were sweet, sweet cards that he and the babies made for me. Then I went on a scavenger hunt with clues. At the end I had collected ten letters that I had to unscramble. It read, "Stand Mixer". I'm so excited!!!
After realizing that he didn't actually buy me one but that it was him telling me to find one that I like and to get it (he knows how much I like a good deal and I'll probably be able to find one online) I got to dreaming about what I want. This is such a sweet gift. Something that I've wanted for a long time. I bake a lot and with three little ones this will certainly help!
A little bit later my toddlers ran in to the living room to tell me to "come look". I walked down to hall to see the cutest little birthday cake that my husband got me. An ice cream cake. They sang to me and then we all enjoyed the cake. It was so good.
He left for work after giving me a lovely morning. I love him. He really makes me feel special.
In a little bit we'll watch one of my favorite guilty pleasure shows and then go to bed.
213 days. Getting close to a day of good memories.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Goodbye Twenty-six
Day 149: "Don't go to bed angry." Even in the Bible it says,
Well, we didn't BUT we were up until 4am. OYE. I can't even tell you now what it was about. There wasn't a huge blow up. There wasn't any screaming. There were some tears and eventually we made up enough to go to bed.
He got up early and took all of the babies (yes, all three) out to get donuts. It was sweet. I got up while they were gone and got going without anyone pulling on my clothes while I brushed my teeth and put in my contacts. He came back and we worked on getting the house in order so that we could go on our date.
Our date was fabulous. He made reservations at this nice Asian Restaurant in a town just north of us. We got seated at these tables that you had to sit down and put you feet into the floor under the table. It was interesting but very comfortable once you got down there. It worked out great because I just laid a blanket on the "seat" beside me and the baby laid there and played while we ate. We ordered my favorite roll (smoked salmon, cream cheese, cucumbers, and avocado) and their signature roll plus Pad Thai (my favorite Thai dish) and crispy scallops. We ended up bringing a lot of food home! They also brought me out lemon raspberry crumb ice cream for my birthday but refrained from banging on the gong.
After dinner we decided just to come straight back home to hang out with the lovely people who watched our babies for us. They made me a cake while we were gone and had a sweet, sweet card and a lovely gift for me. The guys ended up staying up super late playing the Wii while her and I both passed out on the couch sometime around midnight. It was a lot of fun!
Day 150: Daylight Savings Time worked against us and we didn't have time to get ready for church. We got up and played with the babies and then decided to take them to the Science Museum. We've been talking about it for months but wanted to wait until all of the holidays were over because we wanted to buy a pass. All day long was a struggle for me. I was trying so hard to keep a happy face on but I was triggering like crazy. I don't even know why. Despite the battle that was going on within (and the severe lack of sleep that my husband -- him more so -- and I were facing) we pulled the day off with only a few minor speed bumps.
We came home and made dinner together and ended the evening on a good note. Last night we had a good heart to heart and I told him about something that was nagging at me. I knew it was probably going to hurt but I felt I needed to tell him.
I stopped seeing the chiropractor in December. I couldn't quite put my finger on why I suddenly had an aversion but a few weeks ago it hit me. On my last appointment with him (the chiro) I was having a really, really bad day. I guess he and I had developed enough of a "friendship" because I almost told him about the affairs.
I remember long ago my husband's Grandma (wow, how I miss her dearly) told me never to confide in another man. Never go to another man with my hearthache. Never to lay my head on another man's shoulder and cry -- which I took literally and figuratively. Oh, the foresight that she had. I could have never guessed then the trials that our marriage would face, the men in my life that would be available for me to confide in (this happened once before with a coworker of mine. I nearly told him about the troubles Kevin and I were facing surrounding his drug habit then) or the havoc it would wreak on my heart thinking back on it all.
So I told my husband last night. Not to hurt him but just to be honest about my feelings. I am proud of myself for not giving up in my weakness. Not allowing myself to justify it. I am proud for giving that to my husband. I am so sad that he was hurt last night though. It just broke my heart. Through my tears I told him that I was sorry that he was hurt. He said that it hurt to know that there was another man who was available to me to confide in and that it especially hurt because he has not always been. I hate that he has this information that could haunt him but I believe that he will use it to push himself further.
I believe that he is showing big signs of healing. I wonder if he feels forgiven these days. I forgive him. I did long ago. I should tell him again. I wonder, though, if he feels forgiven by himself. I can't wait for that day.
Day 151: My birthday is tomorrow. The two month and eighteen day gap will be closed. He will no longer be numerically older than me! Another year. I am feeling it lately. At the ripe old age of twenty-seve (tomorrow) I have more than my fair share of white hair and they seem to be multiplying exponentially these days. I'm trying to take it in stride but there's no fooling myself that I'm in my early twenties anymore. Ah well.
All I want is a day of good memories to look back on. Not because it is my birthday necessarily but because I will remember it because it is. Makes sense, right? I just want to look back and smile. I don't care if we lay in bed all day with the babies and do nothing but giggle. I just want it to be a good day. I don't want it to be another day tainted with the hurt and sadness. I know that's asking for a lot and putting a lot of pressure on the day. It'd be easier to ask for a fancy gift and an exquisite meal. That could easily be delivered.
214: Goodbye twenty-six.
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Ephesians 4:26
Well, we didn't BUT we were up until 4am. OYE. I can't even tell you now what it was about. There wasn't a huge blow up. There wasn't any screaming. There were some tears and eventually we made up enough to go to bed.
He got up early and took all of the babies (yes, all three) out to get donuts. It was sweet. I got up while they were gone and got going without anyone pulling on my clothes while I brushed my teeth and put in my contacts. He came back and we worked on getting the house in order so that we could go on our date.
Our date was fabulous. He made reservations at this nice Asian Restaurant in a town just north of us. We got seated at these tables that you had to sit down and put you feet into the floor under the table. It was interesting but very comfortable once you got down there. It worked out great because I just laid a blanket on the "seat" beside me and the baby laid there and played while we ate. We ordered my favorite roll (smoked salmon, cream cheese, cucumbers, and avocado) and their signature roll plus Pad Thai (my favorite Thai dish) and crispy scallops. We ended up bringing a lot of food home! They also brought me out lemon raspberry crumb ice cream for my birthday but refrained from banging on the gong.
After dinner we decided just to come straight back home to hang out with the lovely people who watched our babies for us. They made me a cake while we were gone and had a sweet, sweet card and a lovely gift for me. The guys ended up staying up super late playing the Wii while her and I both passed out on the couch sometime around midnight. It was a lot of fun!
Day 150: Daylight Savings Time worked against us and we didn't have time to get ready for church. We got up and played with the babies and then decided to take them to the Science Museum. We've been talking about it for months but wanted to wait until all of the holidays were over because we wanted to buy a pass. All day long was a struggle for me. I was trying so hard to keep a happy face on but I was triggering like crazy. I don't even know why. Despite the battle that was going on within (and the severe lack of sleep that my husband -- him more so -- and I were facing) we pulled the day off with only a few minor speed bumps.
We came home and made dinner together and ended the evening on a good note. Last night we had a good heart to heart and I told him about something that was nagging at me. I knew it was probably going to hurt but I felt I needed to tell him.
I stopped seeing the chiropractor in December. I couldn't quite put my finger on why I suddenly had an aversion but a few weeks ago it hit me. On my last appointment with him (the chiro) I was having a really, really bad day. I guess he and I had developed enough of a "friendship" because I almost told him about the affairs.
I remember long ago my husband's Grandma (wow, how I miss her dearly) told me never to confide in another man. Never go to another man with my hearthache. Never to lay my head on another man's shoulder and cry -- which I took literally and figuratively. Oh, the foresight that she had. I could have never guessed then the trials that our marriage would face, the men in my life that would be available for me to confide in (this happened once before with a coworker of mine. I nearly told him about the troubles Kevin and I were facing surrounding his drug habit then) or the havoc it would wreak on my heart thinking back on it all.
So I told my husband last night. Not to hurt him but just to be honest about my feelings. I am proud of myself for not giving up in my weakness. Not allowing myself to justify it. I am proud for giving that to my husband. I am so sad that he was hurt last night though. It just broke my heart. Through my tears I told him that I was sorry that he was hurt. He said that it hurt to know that there was another man who was available to me to confide in and that it especially hurt because he has not always been. I hate that he has this information that could haunt him but I believe that he will use it to push himself further.
I believe that he is showing big signs of healing. I wonder if he feels forgiven these days. I forgive him. I did long ago. I should tell him again. I wonder, though, if he feels forgiven by himself. I can't wait for that day.
Day 151: My birthday is tomorrow. The two month and eighteen day gap will be closed. He will no longer be numerically older than me! Another year. I am feeling it lately. At the ripe old age of twenty-seve (tomorrow) I have more than my fair share of white hair and they seem to be multiplying exponentially these days. I'm trying to take it in stride but there's no fooling myself that I'm in my early twenties anymore. Ah well.
All I want is a day of good memories to look back on. Not because it is my birthday necessarily but because I will remember it because it is. Makes sense, right? I just want to look back and smile. I don't care if we lay in bed all day with the babies and do nothing but giggle. I just want it to be a good day. I don't want it to be another day tainted with the hurt and sadness. I know that's asking for a lot and putting a lot of pressure on the day. It'd be easier to ask for a fancy gift and an exquisite meal. That could easily be delivered.
214: Goodbye twenty-six.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Birthday Date
Day 148: "I want to buy you something... to help you feel better. Any suggestions?"
After my husband said this to me the other night. I quickly responded with, ""Just a gift or something to actually make me feel better?"
I told a few friends what he said and these were two of the responses:
I feel so blessed. I feel SO blessed. So blessed that when he is on his game he is really doing a great job. It also feels like a knife to the heart. I have no idea if any of these friends of mine have or are suffering through infidelity and even though I think I am hiding it from them pretty well I am going to stay positive and say that they probably aren't. What I wouldn't give to be in their shoes. To live a mediocre life instead of a GREAT one because of this. Ya know?
I know that is sad -- to wish for a life of mediocrity -- but it's really how I feel.
Tomorrow he is taking me out for my birthday. I'm excited. Really excited! We haven't been out together without the toddlers for my birthday ever. This should be really fun. I am really, really going to try to let him treat me. I'm not always a very gracious guest.
217 days. Looking forward to tomorrow.
After my husband said this to me the other night. I quickly responded with, ""Just a gift or something to actually make me feel better?"
I told a few friends what he said and these were two of the responses:
Can I marry your husband? That's so sweet. My husband never thinks of stuff like that.and
I lurve [him]. Can he write a tip sheet for all the husbands?
I feel so blessed. I feel SO blessed. So blessed that when he is on his game he is really doing a great job. It also feels like a knife to the heart. I have no idea if any of these friends of mine have or are suffering through infidelity and even though I think I am hiding it from them pretty well I am going to stay positive and say that they probably aren't. What I wouldn't give to be in their shoes. To live a mediocre life instead of a GREAT one because of this. Ya know?
I know that is sad -- to wish for a life of mediocrity -- but it's really how I feel.
Tomorrow he is taking me out for my birthday. I'm excited. Really excited! We haven't been out together without the toddlers for my birthday ever. This should be really fun. I am really, really going to try to let him treat me. I'm not always a very gracious guest.
217 days. Looking forward to tomorrow.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
My Cocktail
Day 146: Still sick. My baby girl is also having a growth spurt and needed me to just hold her which I gladly did.
Day 147: He woke me up at 8:30 with coffee going and a smile. I noticed shortly after I got up that I actually am starting to feel better. I have no idea which part of the cocktail of things that I am taking is helping but I honestly don't care. 3 times daily I've been taking 3 echinacea, 2 garlic, 2 drops of homeopathic cold/sinus mixture, and a dose of colloidal silver. I am really hoping that I am on the mend and tomorrow I will be feeling even better.
Yesterday was a good day. HE GOT THE JOB! He was chosen from 20 people for the program. I am so proud of him. It's still looking like 6-8 more weeks on second shift and then I'm not even sure that he will go straight to first shift but I am really hoping so. Next week he will get the entire program schedule for the next 18 months. This is really good news because I like to know what is coming. I deal with it better.
Last night I was still feeling really crummy and he asked me what he could bring me? I chose a 7 layer burrito (so not proud of that but I was hungry!) and he complimented it with an almond joy and a pretty new shirt. What a guy!
He made us a fabulous lunch today, ran to the post office to fix an error that I made and got a haircut. Before work he also took the time to relax with me and ask me how he can make things better for me. We talked about how we need to talk about "it" and deal with the heart of the issue and not just all of the symptoms. He gets that. He gets it all.
It's just such a hard place to be right now. Right where I am. It's so hard being me and being depressed. I've been depressed in the past (briefly -- usually winter blues) but I never admit it to myself until it's over. It's just my way of dealing with it. My way of getting through it. This time I feel like admitting it to myself has been like giving in to it and now I don't know how to get past it. I told him today that the only way I see out right now is medicine that makes me feel nothing and I am NOT willing to do that. I'll never be.
I'm really hoping that this weekend pushes me past the plateau that I'm on. Definitely going to take the baby with us so that I can relax and not worry about how she is doing. It'll be more fun that way!
218 days. Dear Jesus, please heal me.
Day 147: He woke me up at 8:30 with coffee going and a smile. I noticed shortly after I got up that I actually am starting to feel better. I have no idea which part of the cocktail of things that I am taking is helping but I honestly don't care. 3 times daily I've been taking 3 echinacea, 2 garlic, 2 drops of homeopathic cold/sinus mixture, and a dose of colloidal silver. I am really hoping that I am on the mend and tomorrow I will be feeling even better.
Yesterday was a good day. HE GOT THE JOB! He was chosen from 20 people for the program. I am so proud of him. It's still looking like 6-8 more weeks on second shift and then I'm not even sure that he will go straight to first shift but I am really hoping so. Next week he will get the entire program schedule for the next 18 months. This is really good news because I like to know what is coming. I deal with it better.
Last night I was still feeling really crummy and he asked me what he could bring me? I chose a 7 layer burrito (so not proud of that but I was hungry!) and he complimented it with an almond joy and a pretty new shirt. What a guy!
He made us a fabulous lunch today, ran to the post office to fix an error that I made and got a haircut. Before work he also took the time to relax with me and ask me how he can make things better for me. We talked about how we need to talk about "it" and deal with the heart of the issue and not just all of the symptoms. He gets that. He gets it all.
It's just such a hard place to be right now. Right where I am. It's so hard being me and being depressed. I've been depressed in the past (briefly -- usually winter blues) but I never admit it to myself until it's over. It's just my way of dealing with it. My way of getting through it. This time I feel like admitting it to myself has been like giving in to it and now I don't know how to get past it. I told him today that the only way I see out right now is medicine that makes me feel nothing and I am NOT willing to do that. I'll never be.
I'm really hoping that this weekend pushes me past the plateau that I'm on. Definitely going to take the baby with us so that I can relax and not worry about how she is doing. It'll be more fun that way!
218 days. Dear Jesus, please heal me.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Big Meanie
Day 145: My face feels bruised.
I've never had a sinus infection like this. I thought I was getting better but I woke up this morning and felt worse than I have in the past week. I'm so over it.
He let me sleep in (he does that a lot) and then finally came to get me out of bed sometime mid-morning. I just want to be well again. I can't do all of this all the time. I can't work on me, be a good wife and mother, and be sick. Not to mention the state of my house is just crumbling -- after I had finally started to make some headway.
I was such a big meanie to my babies today. I'm so mad at myself over it. They were just being toddlers but my patience seems to be obsolete right now so I can so short with them. It got so bad that I was having a mini meltdown all by myself over a pan of spaghetti and my husband just happened to call me back right then, while I was in tears. I told him that I was still feeling horrible and he jumped on it and said that he was going to try to see if he could get out and come home.
That alone brightened my mood but I was still not sure what time he might make it. I was pleasantly surprised when he walked in an hour before bedtime. He let me go soak for on hour and right now is up making me some tea.
I have got to get better. This is ridiculous. I am so tired of being sick. I get sick every now and then but I was just sick like five weeks ago. Argh!
On a better note -- this weekend we are celebrating my birthday that is next week. We're going to go out and have dinner while someone we love watches the babies. I still haven't decided if we'll take the littlest one with us or not. I guess it'll depend on the time. Afterward we're going to come back home and hang out with them. I haven't had a get together for my birthday in a long time. It should be fun.
220 days. It makes me feel loved when he takes care of me.
I've never had a sinus infection like this. I thought I was getting better but I woke up this morning and felt worse than I have in the past week. I'm so over it.
He let me sleep in (he does that a lot) and then finally came to get me out of bed sometime mid-morning. I just want to be well again. I can't do all of this all the time. I can't work on me, be a good wife and mother, and be sick. Not to mention the state of my house is just crumbling -- after I had finally started to make some headway.
I was such a big meanie to my babies today. I'm so mad at myself over it. They were just being toddlers but my patience seems to be obsolete right now so I can so short with them. It got so bad that I was having a mini meltdown all by myself over a pan of spaghetti and my husband just happened to call me back right then, while I was in tears. I told him that I was still feeling horrible and he jumped on it and said that he was going to try to see if he could get out and come home.
That alone brightened my mood but I was still not sure what time he might make it. I was pleasantly surprised when he walked in an hour before bedtime. He let me go soak for on hour and right now is up making me some tea.
I have got to get better. This is ridiculous. I am so tired of being sick. I get sick every now and then but I was just sick like five weeks ago. Argh!
On a better note -- this weekend we are celebrating my birthday that is next week. We're going to go out and have dinner while someone we love watches the babies. I still haven't decided if we'll take the littlest one with us or not. I guess it'll depend on the time. Afterward we're going to come back home and hang out with them. I haven't had a get together for my birthday in a long time. It should be fun.
220 days. It makes me feel loved when he takes care of me.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Who Am I?
Day 141: I was so sick that I put a movie on and we all (the babies and I) crashed there until my husband came home.
Day 142: Who am I? I just shoved, punched, scratched, and bit him. Sure he wouldn't leave me alone and was even trying to hold me. Sure he was the one who made me mad and hurt my feelings. Sure he is the one who wasn't listening to my words but...who am I?
I also punched the cupboard and messed up my hand, threatened to call the police so that they would take me before I hurt someone and threw a huge baby toy at him. Who am I?
Who am I? Who is this monster inside of me? Who is this mess sitting on the floor of the kitchen, icing my wrist and sobbing while he searches for more answers? Who am I?
I'm lost and confused. I feel hurt and abandoned. Not only by him but by myself. I'm emotionally unstable, at best, and it's not good enough.
I want out. I was out of this dark place. This dark place of depression. Of hurt and anger and loneliness and betrayal and sadness. Oh, I'm so sad.
I want to live again. I want the nightmares to stop. I want the freedom to have enough control over myself to be able to take minor blows. We were arguing about something unrelated. He totally was...I don't know...avoiding his mistake. Making light of it. Not understanding the severity. I don't know. I don't know what to made him act the way that he did but it should not have resulted in this. We should have -- I should have -- been able to talk it through without losing control.
What's gonna happen? How will I even find myself again?
Maybe I won't. Maybe this is me. Oh Lord, please tell me that's not true. Please tell me that You'll heal me from this.
When will I be free again? I'm trying so hard and yet I get smacked upside the head with this. Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
It's hurts. It hurts more than I can put into words.
Some days it'd be easier if I were supposed to hurt...
Day 143: Things calmed down kinda early last night but then we didn't really deal with them. Why? I don't know. It's kinda been the theme lately and it finally bubbled over. After a full day we were laying in bed and I started telling him that things lately are not going as well as they seem. We don't really discuss things anymore. Simple answers are taken at face value and not looked into any deeper. No tears means progress.
It's not the case though. I feel like lately I have put a brave face on, pushed my feelings down and put my nose to the grindstone. Why? Because I have to.
I can only be broken and vulnerable and open to heal when I know that he is here to catch me as I fall and carry me when I can't walk. Something's been missing though.
We talked about it. It's supposed to get better. We'll see. I hope so.
Day 144: A year ago today I took our little girl to the doctor after realizing that home treating her was not getting rid of what I thought was an irritated lymph node. Several tests, doctors and hours later they called me and asked me to come back to the office so that we could talk.
A piece of my heart fell into God's lap right then.
Once arriving at the office, the Doctor sat us down and told us that they thought that it could be cancer and that she needed a chest xray.
The rest of my heart fell into God's lap.
I'm sure I only held it together because my little man and my little girl were right there watching me but my husband and I could barely speak to each other knowing that behind our words there were many, many, many tears. Tears of fear. I've never known fear like that. Within minutes we were in our own private waiting room. I started praying as we waited. Praying for a miracle. Praying for grace. Praying that my little girl was going to be ok.
I was a few months pregnant so I could not even be in the room to hold her hand and comfort her while they xrayed her. My husband was though. He brought her back to me and I just held her as I felt another tear escape and slide down my cheek. Then we waited. And waited. And waited. I'm not sure exactly how long it was but time has never gone by so slowly. The world has never stopped the way that it did while we waited. Finally we were called back.
One by one the doctors all came in to meet us and talk to us. All I could think was that they all knew something that we didn't and that it was bad. The Senior Doctor then came in. I don't remember much of her words before or after she told us that her xray looked perfect. She said it so nonchalantly that we almost missed it. I do remember pulling my little girl closer to me and her snuggling in to nurse as the weight of the world fell off of my shoulders.
I'll never forget that day. Never forget how God spared us, once again. Never forget the overwhelming (what an understatement) sense of relief that I had in that moment.
Many more days and tests later we found out that her lymph node wasn't fighting an infection like we would have all like to assume but that it was actually infected.
221 days. Praising God -- The Great Physician -- for a perfectly healthy little girl today!
Day 142: Who am I? I just shoved, punched, scratched, and bit him. Sure he wouldn't leave me alone and was even trying to hold me. Sure he was the one who made me mad and hurt my feelings. Sure he is the one who wasn't listening to my words but...who am I?
I also punched the cupboard and messed up my hand, threatened to call the police so that they would take me before I hurt someone and threw a huge baby toy at him. Who am I?
Who am I? Who is this monster inside of me? Who is this mess sitting on the floor of the kitchen, icing my wrist and sobbing while he searches for more answers? Who am I?
I'm lost and confused. I feel hurt and abandoned. Not only by him but by myself. I'm emotionally unstable, at best, and it's not good enough.
I want out. I was out of this dark place. This dark place of depression. Of hurt and anger and loneliness and betrayal and sadness. Oh, I'm so sad.
I want to live again. I want the nightmares to stop. I want the freedom to have enough control over myself to be able to take minor blows. We were arguing about something unrelated. He totally was...I don't know...avoiding his mistake. Making light of it. Not understanding the severity. I don't know. I don't know what to made him act the way that he did but it should not have resulted in this. We should have -- I should have -- been able to talk it through without losing control.
What's gonna happen? How will I even find myself again?
Maybe I won't. Maybe this is me. Oh Lord, please tell me that's not true. Please tell me that You'll heal me from this.
When will I be free again? I'm trying so hard and yet I get smacked upside the head with this. Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
It's hurts. It hurts more than I can put into words.
Some days it'd be easier if I were supposed to hurt...
Day 143: Things calmed down kinda early last night but then we didn't really deal with them. Why? I don't know. It's kinda been the theme lately and it finally bubbled over. After a full day we were laying in bed and I started telling him that things lately are not going as well as they seem. We don't really discuss things anymore. Simple answers are taken at face value and not looked into any deeper. No tears means progress.
It's not the case though. I feel like lately I have put a brave face on, pushed my feelings down and put my nose to the grindstone. Why? Because I have to.
I can only be broken and vulnerable and open to heal when I know that he is here to catch me as I fall and carry me when I can't walk. Something's been missing though.
We talked about it. It's supposed to get better. We'll see. I hope so.
Day 144: A year ago today I took our little girl to the doctor after realizing that home treating her was not getting rid of what I thought was an irritated lymph node. Several tests, doctors and hours later they called me and asked me to come back to the office so that we could talk.
A piece of my heart fell into God's lap right then.
Once arriving at the office, the Doctor sat us down and told us that they thought that it could be cancer and that she needed a chest xray.
The rest of my heart fell into God's lap.
I'm sure I only held it together because my little man and my little girl were right there watching me but my husband and I could barely speak to each other knowing that behind our words there were many, many, many tears. Tears of fear. I've never known fear like that. Within minutes we were in our own private waiting room. I started praying as we waited. Praying for a miracle. Praying for grace. Praying that my little girl was going to be ok.
I was a few months pregnant so I could not even be in the room to hold her hand and comfort her while they xrayed her. My husband was though. He brought her back to me and I just held her as I felt another tear escape and slide down my cheek. Then we waited. And waited. And waited. I'm not sure exactly how long it was but time has never gone by so slowly. The world has never stopped the way that it did while we waited. Finally we were called back.
One by one the doctors all came in to meet us and talk to us. All I could think was that they all knew something that we didn't and that it was bad. The Senior Doctor then came in. I don't remember much of her words before or after she told us that her xray looked perfect. She said it so nonchalantly that we almost missed it. I do remember pulling my little girl closer to me and her snuggling in to nurse as the weight of the world fell off of my shoulders.
I'll never forget that day. Never forget how God spared us, once again. Never forget the overwhelming (what an understatement) sense of relief that I had in that moment.
Many more days and tests later we found out that her lymph node wasn't fighting an infection like we would have all like to assume but that it was actually infected.
221 days. Praising God -- The Great Physician -- for a perfectly healthy little girl today!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Interviews
Day 140: The stress is making me angry and my anger is all geared in the wrong direction. I realized today that I don't really cry in front of the babies anymore but I've replaced it with a short fuse. I have to change this.
If my husband gets this new position at work -- he's had an interview everyday this week and two tomorrow -- he will be working first shift some of the time. That alone would make my day a lot easier but...if he doesn't get it I still have to figure out how to instill more patience within myself. I have done a good job of creating a routine for us and sticking to it helps everyone but I still need to work on enjoying it all. Having a 3 year old, 2 year old, and a 5 month old means that I am SO blessed. So, so, so blessed. What did I do to deserve such a privilege? God has been so good to me and I want to bathe in the blessing that He has given me.
I need some sort of outlet as well but I have no idea what. I am consumed with life right now without much time to squeeze anything else in.
225 days. I think it's time for a break.
If my husband gets this new position at work -- he's had an interview everyday this week and two tomorrow -- he will be working first shift some of the time. That alone would make my day a lot easier but...if he doesn't get it I still have to figure out how to instill more patience within myself. I have done a good job of creating a routine for us and sticking to it helps everyone but I still need to work on enjoying it all. Having a 3 year old, 2 year old, and a 5 month old means that I am SO blessed. So, so, so blessed. What did I do to deserve such a privilege? God has been so good to me and I want to bathe in the blessing that He has given me.
I need some sort of outlet as well but I have no idea what. I am consumed with life right now without much time to squeeze anything else in.
225 days. I think it's time for a break.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Drawn To Him
Day 139: He's been incredibly patient lately.
Sometimes I wonder if he is actively working on this or if it is just coming naturally now. There is no disappointment either way. I just sense that he is willing and happy to do whatever it takes to make happiness out of all of this. It's working. I feel myself drawn to him when he is peaceful. I wonder how he feels about me lately...? I feel like I am hard to deal with sometimes. He doesn't make me feel that way though. He makes me feel like I can ask for and have whatever I want and he'll supply it.
Last night I got suddenly suspicious about why he was late from work (he said that the road was flooded and he had to go back and around). At first I was totally fine with that answer and then it hit me. Like all the times in the past when he had an excuse. I told him that I was upset about it and couldn't help but notice that he didn't call me to tell me. He got a little excited over it but quickly composed himself and thought about it. He asked me what I was thinking and I told him that I wanted to drive to see if the road was really flooded. He very calmly and empathetically told me that he understood if I wanted to do that and to go if it would make me feel better. I chose not to though. He then said to me that all this means is that he is becoming lax and he does not want that. Wow. It takes my breath away (and it's scary) to think that he really is a changed man.
I think that this may actually all work. I think that we may just heal. I think that there is a way to find happiness again.
226 days. Could it really be happening?
Sometimes I wonder if he is actively working on this or if it is just coming naturally now. There is no disappointment either way. I just sense that he is willing and happy to do whatever it takes to make happiness out of all of this. It's working. I feel myself drawn to him when he is peaceful. I wonder how he feels about me lately...? I feel like I am hard to deal with sometimes. He doesn't make me feel that way though. He makes me feel like I can ask for and have whatever I want and he'll supply it.
Last night I got suddenly suspicious about why he was late from work (he said that the road was flooded and he had to go back and around). At first I was totally fine with that answer and then it hit me. Like all the times in the past when he had an excuse. I told him that I was upset about it and couldn't help but notice that he didn't call me to tell me. He got a little excited over it but quickly composed himself and thought about it. He asked me what I was thinking and I told him that I wanted to drive to see if the road was really flooded. He very calmly and empathetically told me that he understood if I wanted to do that and to go if it would make me feel better. I chose not to though. He then said to me that all this means is that he is becoming lax and he does not want that. Wow. It takes my breath away (and it's scary) to think that he really is a changed man.
I think that this may actually all work. I think that we may just heal. I think that there is a way to find happiness again.
226 days. Could it really be happening?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
So Much Of Me
Day 138: I saw a piece of his broken heart today.
We were laying in bed -- all five of us -- and he said that he is so sorry that he was not "fully here" when the other two were little. He was holding our baby girl and just looking at her. He said that he just holds her and appreciates her so much more. Looking back and knowing all that I know I still believe that he's always been a great Dad.
I wondered for awhile if we would ever tell our kids (much, MUCH, later down the road) about what had happened between us. It didn't take me long to decide that no good would come of it. I want our kids to see the beauty of marriage and love. I want them to believe in it and hope for it. I want them to see love between us and learn from us. I want them to see how good it can be and how rewarding it is. I believe that we can model that without having to show them that we loved so much that we got through this.
So much of me still questions a lot of what is going on. So much of me still wonders if this is all just a bad dream. So much of me aches at the thought of this happening again.
So much of me still wanders through life aimlessly. So much of me hurts that I cannot expose all of me because it still hurts too bad. The wind of life is still too devastating for the wound that is still raw.
So much of me still wants so badly to believe that I will wake up from this. Wake up and find my husband laying next to me without a crease on his brow from this heartache.
So much of me is still broken but...so much of me has been put back together.
I wish I could live the emotions that I feel. So many of them are stuck inside of me.
Day 227: I've found myself in the palm of his hand again.
We were laying in bed -- all five of us -- and he said that he is so sorry that he was not "fully here" when the other two were little. He was holding our baby girl and just looking at her. He said that he just holds her and appreciates her so much more. Looking back and knowing all that I know I still believe that he's always been a great Dad.
I wondered for awhile if we would ever tell our kids (much, MUCH, later down the road) about what had happened between us. It didn't take me long to decide that no good would come of it. I want our kids to see the beauty of marriage and love. I want them to believe in it and hope for it. I want them to see love between us and learn from us. I want them to see how good it can be and how rewarding it is. I believe that we can model that without having to show them that we loved so much that we got through this.
So much of me still questions a lot of what is going on. So much of me still wonders if this is all just a bad dream. So much of me aches at the thought of this happening again.
So much of me still wanders through life aimlessly. So much of me hurts that I cannot expose all of me because it still hurts too bad. The wind of life is still too devastating for the wound that is still raw.
So much of me still wants so badly to believe that I will wake up from this. Wake up and find my husband laying next to me without a crease on his brow from this heartache.
So much of me is still broken but...so much of me has been put back together.
I wish I could live the emotions that I feel. So many of them are stuck inside of me.
Day 227: I've found myself in the palm of his hand again.
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