The Stand Mixer Arrived

Day 163: I finally got a new (to me!) washer.

Unless you've been there, you don't know how incredibly tedious it is to have a washer without a working timer and to have to switch the cycle from wash to spin to rinse to spin every 10-4-9-4 minutes. I was so behind on laundry and it's been like this for months. Months! I try not to complain, I mean, I could be hand washing, but it was time to move on. So thanks to my husband and my brother in law I have a new washer installed and I am nearly caught up on washing (folding and putting away will be another story).

This day did not go without resistance though. We tried and tried but we were misfiring. He was not communicating well and I was struggling not to shut down. By late afternoon I had all but given up. He knew it but could not pull himself out of the funk that he as in. After eating dinner we decided to take the babies to play at an indoor play center. What a great idea! They had a blast and played for close to two hours. We left and they quickly fell asleep so we drove around.

We are not looking to put our roots down here (well I'm not for sure) but my husband had told me about this house that is down the road a bit. We found it in the dark and had ourselves a look (from the car). It is set on this huge lot behind a corn field. I was eager to see the cost because it is a foreclosure so as soon as we got home he looked it up. It is out of price range (though not by much if we tried hard enough) but it is on 20 acres of land!!! I've been dreaming ever since.

Do you know what I could do on that much land? Grow most, if not all, of the produce that we would need as a family, get a cow (never lay eyes on it so that we could have it slaughtered at the end of the year), have more than enough play room for the babies, grow enough to sell at farmer's markets and then some. Oh, if only I could move the home and the land and make it within our budget. (Or get ourselves a ticket to paradise and live on the beach!)

Day 164: My baby girl turned six months old. We celebrated with a new toy for her (she's so active these days) and she decided that her first tooth was in order. She's growing up too quickly. We sang her a birthday song and just loved on her while I tried to cement the memories of the day into my heart and mind.

My husband had a hard day. He was feeling crummy and wanted to veg and I wanted to get out. So...I took the baby and my little man and we set out to get some things done. A trip to pick up the toy that I bought, the fabric store, and the grocery store proved to be just enough to completely wear me out. I came home and we made dinner together and then finished the night with a movie.

Day 165: Another restless night for my little girl. I now realize it's that tooth that's disrupting her sleep. Poor thing. I just hold her and rock her and memorize her tiny little features.

I'm still struggling. I'm actually downright miserable right now. I'm so depressed and I've come to know that I don't know how to be depressed. It's not my nature. I just want to sleep and sleep and wake up when I'm in a good mood. I can't even stand myself.

The only thing really making me happy right now is my babies and I'm failing miserably at being the mama that I want to be to them. I don't want to be in this house anymore but we can't afford to buy our own place and even if we could I don't want to live here. I want to move away. I like it when we lived further from our families. It made things easier. We weren't having to dodge weekend visits so often. Actually we got visits so sporadically that I don't think we ever turned one down. Ah, I miss those days. We did what we wanted. No one knew what we were up to.

Some days I want to just go nuts and tell everyone why I don't want visits from people that don't make me happy. Because I'm a mess trying to survive infidelity and I don't need someone here who adds anymore stress or unhappiness. In the end though I always talk myself down and remember that I really don't want anyone to know. It would only serve as a temporary fix to keep them away.

On top of that, (is any of it even making sense?) my husband finally got his schedule for the eighteen month training program that he just made it into. It's going to make our life harder than it already is. There are shifts of every kind: 9-5, 11-7, overnights, weekends... and they last for a few months at a time. It is not at all what I was expecting and now is making me regret ever being on board with him going for this new position. I can't help but think that it is all for naught. We'll see.

I have a bunch of problems without any solutions. I'm a wreck. He's trying. He's knows that I'm hurting. Goodness, I know that he hurt me, but I don't know how he puts up with me. I can barely put up with me. Somehow he hasn't pushed me over the edge that I am teetering on.

Day 166: My stand mixer arrived today. I'm so excited. It's something that I have wanted for so long and something that I know my husband has wanted to buy me. It's so pretty sitting there on my counter top. He got me a good one.

I had to try it out so...we made a cake. Yep, me and the babies back in the kitchen. It's been too long. We had so much fun watching the machine do all of the work. Round and round and round. Mix, mix, mix. Taste, taste, taste, taste, taste, taste. Yes, I realize that's not balanced but it's how baking is done here! It turned out great.

I'm hoping for a relaxing night. Things have been too tense lately.

199 days. Someday. (<---- that's a link)