Day 124: And back down again.
Gosh, I don't even know where to start. I hate this. I hate all of this. I'm so unbelievably sad and while it is pretty easy for me to tuck it away it is just right there ready to spill over whenever things get hard.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to be me again and not this mess of who I've become.
I feel like this hurt amounts to nothing.
I know he's trying. I see it. I feel it. But I just hurt so badly. I cry so much.
I feel myself pulling back. I tell myself that I am protecting myself but I know that I'm not. I'm just tired of hurting. And trying means hurting. What happens if I quit trying though. I can't just give up. I don't want to and it's not who I am. I am a fighter and a lover. I don't back down. I give it all that I have until I get what I want. Why now? Why when everything that I want is on the line do I want to give up?
241 days. Hurting.
Our hearts and minds can only take so much. Give yourself a break for pulling back a bit. It will be ok. You need your strength and sanity to take care of yourself and your kids. He seems remorseful and like he will wait for you.
ReplyDeleteI think it's completely normal to need to take a mental vacation from this mess.