Day 134: Had a good day but couldn't find anything to write about. My baby girl was (and still is) sick and she was in my arms all night long.
Day 135: We were planning a trip to a museum back near where we moved from last summer. Our pass was expiring so we thought we get one last visit in. Well tons of snow and our little man spiking a fever and we decided to stay home and inside. So now with our littlest one sick and our biggest one I decided to take our middle baby -- my little girl -- on a date. Nothing fancy but just being out alone is special! We went to the hardware store, a department store and the grocery store. She really had a good time and all she asked for was yogurt!
When we got home I took care of the baby, who by now was missing me, and then a bit later my husband and I worked together and built a small shelf in the laundry closet to accommodate all of the shoes that get kicked off in the kitchen right by the entry door. We did well together and it turned out to be exactly what we were hoping for.
I made a yummy dinner and then we all settled in for the night. Not a big day...just tried to let the littles rest and feel better,
Day 136: Still have a sick baby and our little man was feeling better but was fighting the end of a low grade fever. We took the day to pick up the house and I FINALLY tackled Mount Laundry. Pathetic, I know, that it took me this long but you don't have to be hard on me. Folding a dozen loads of laundry worth of clothes (or whatever it was!) was punishment enough.
The afternoon was a bust. I found the card I gave him from our most recent anniversary. Reading it just reminded me of how I thought things were going. How I felt so secure and loved. What I wouldn't give to change this...
My husband is joining in on a weightloss competition at work so he wanted to go out to one of his favorite restaurants for dinner. We took the long way, stopped at the craft store (I know, I do that a lot. My home based business is fabric based) and then made our way to the restaurant. The babies all took naps or rested on the way down and were in a great mood during dinner! They are usually well behaved but great moods were a bonus.
It was overall a good weekend.
Day 137: I got out of bed this morning before 10:00. Actually before 9:00 even. I was regretting it a bit later when I got my feelings hurt but I know that staying in bed is not the solution to my problems (even though I like to tell myself that). I woke up with a sore throat and sad because I had let some hurt feelings from the day before linger under the surface and they came with me to today. I was trying to protect myself because my husband was not being his usual attentive, aware, and eager to talk about what is bothering me self. I went into lock down mode and pushed my feelings down and it got me nowhere.
After a short conversation telling him what the problem was he only told me one thing: I would see a difference. I so appreciate that he did not promise that things would change or make excuses. He just said that I would see a difference. That makes me optimistic.
He then motivated himself and put all of the laundry away that was stacked neatly in piles in the living room. What a guy!
He called me from work earlier to tell me that he is in round three of the interview process for a new position, he got a bonus check of several hundred dollars today, and that he thinks they might make the quota for February! All good news. I could hear the smile on his face when he called. Things are definitely going at a different pace than they were even a few weeks ago. I like it but I also feel myself feeling sad more often again. Hoping he can pull me out of this funk sooner than later.
Praying my little girl feels better soon -- just in time for me to get it. I feel it coming on. I can't remember ever getting this sick this often. I think my immune system is struggling right now. I'm sure the stress is causing it.
228 days. Mount Laundry has been conquered...until next time!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Someday
Day 133: Valentine's Day.
Seven years ago was the day that he stepped off the plane into Paradise and greeted me with our first kiss. After three long years of being best friends and a few weeks of waiting for him to get there we finally were together. It was incredible.
He's given me a lot of great gifts over the years and today was one of the very best. Our friend sent us "the little box of i love you" -- a collection of 40 postcards with sweet and sappy sayings on them to go with pictures. Over the past six weeks he has been writing to me on them. They are amazing. A lot of them made me laugh and a few made me cry but all of them made me feel his love. I reread them tonight and I am blown away at the honesty and sincerity that he conveyed.
I'm happy.
To: The woman that I am putting back together -- piece by piece.
Someday.
Someday the hurt will fade.
Someday you will be more confident that I love you with all of my heart than of anything else.
Someday you will completely trust me again.
Someday I will have earned all of this.
Someday,
[Your Husband]
There are a handful of them that have this ring to them. They are the ones that make me cry because they reveal his heart. His heart that is hurting but longs more than anything to just love me.
232 days. I feel loved.
Seven years ago was the day that he stepped off the plane into Paradise and greeted me with our first kiss. After three long years of being best friends and a few weeks of waiting for him to get there we finally were together. It was incredible.
He's given me a lot of great gifts over the years and today was one of the very best. Our friend sent us "the little box of i love you" -- a collection of 40 postcards with sweet and sappy sayings on them to go with pictures. Over the past six weeks he has been writing to me on them. They are amazing. A lot of them made me laugh and a few made me cry but all of them made me feel his love. I reread them tonight and I am blown away at the honesty and sincerity that he conveyed.
I'm happy.
To: The woman that I am putting back together -- piece by piece.
Someday.
Someday the hurt will fade.
Someday you will be more confident that I love you with all of my heart than of anything else.
Someday you will completely trust me again.
Someday I will have earned all of this.
Someday,
[Your Husband]
There are a handful of them that have this ring to them. They are the ones that make me cry because they reveal his heart. His heart that is hurting but longs more than anything to just love me.
232 days. I feel loved.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
A Better Place
Day 132: He's been incredible.
I have a large order and then some other small orders that I need to get out and he has been so good at keeping me level headed about it. He even told me today that he will help me get them all organized and ready to ship.
I feel like we have been treading water for so long but that we were getting stronger while we were and now that we are back on dry land we are seeing the rewards of it. When I sit here and think about our life now -- our life 132 days into this -- I see a whole new outlook. I see that he is in a different place. A better place. A place where he has learned to love himself (if only a little at a time) and can now love me.
Some days I am confident that he will never cheat again. That his eyes (and heart) are open now and he sees the destruction and heartbreak. Some days I even think he knows how much it would hurt him if he cheated again. Those are the days when I feel the best. The most secure. The most ready to let go of a little more of this.
Other than our rough night a few days ago I've had a pretty good string of days lately. I think these are among the first happy days strung together. Four months ago I honestly believed that I would never feel good again. I honestly believed that. I couldn't see past my tears let alone the pain. I think I'm...healing!
Tomorrow is our Valentine's Day.
233 days. I have butterflies thinking about our first one together...
I have a large order and then some other small orders that I need to get out and he has been so good at keeping me level headed about it. He even told me today that he will help me get them all organized and ready to ship.
I feel like we have been treading water for so long but that we were getting stronger while we were and now that we are back on dry land we are seeing the rewards of it. When I sit here and think about our life now -- our life 132 days into this -- I see a whole new outlook. I see that he is in a different place. A better place. A place where he has learned to love himself (if only a little at a time) and can now love me.
Some days I am confident that he will never cheat again. That his eyes (and heart) are open now and he sees the destruction and heartbreak. Some days I even think he knows how much it would hurt him if he cheated again. Those are the days when I feel the best. The most secure. The most ready to let go of a little more of this.
Other than our rough night a few days ago I've had a pretty good string of days lately. I think these are among the first happy days strung together. Four months ago I honestly believed that I would never feel good again. I honestly believed that. I couldn't see past my tears let alone the pain. I think I'm...healing!
Tomorrow is our Valentine's Day.
233 days. I have butterflies thinking about our first one together...
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
The Most Amazing Love
Day 131: "You two have the most amazing love!"
That is a comment that someone made to me. I told my husband and he smiled and said it's true. Then he asked me how it made me feel. I couldn't quite figure out how I felt then but now I realize I feel like a fraud. I feel like, "if they only knew...would they still feel that way?" We talked about how so many people look up to us. He asked if I stuck around because of the pressure of everyone else (not that they know about the affairs but that they would obviously know if we split up). Without a doubt my answer is no. I would have left long ago if I were listening to others so staying because of them wouldn't make any sense.
He said to me that he has always felt that God put us together to do great things. I know he is right. I know that God is going to use us, and has used us, to do amazing things. I want to be in that place. I want to feel like we are right where God wants us to be. I want to feel like we have the most amazing love. I do know that his love for me now is amazing.
Last night we had a rough night and I fell asleep on the couch before he was ready to go to bed. When he woke me up to go to bed I was too tired and too grouchy to get up and I told him that I was sleeping on the couch. He never got mean and though he did get a little short, he never raised his voice. He kept himself composed and said that if I was than so was he. He brought me some blankets and snuggled up on the other end and we slept 'together' on the couch. This is a new man! It wasn't a test but he still passed. That is amazing love. He saw that there was a need -- a need to give in to my shortcomings -- and he fulfilled that in an incredible way.
234 days. Getting there.
That is a comment that someone made to me. I told my husband and he smiled and said it's true. Then he asked me how it made me feel. I couldn't quite figure out how I felt then but now I realize I feel like a fraud. I feel like, "if they only knew...would they still feel that way?" We talked about how so many people look up to us. He asked if I stuck around because of the pressure of everyone else (not that they know about the affairs but that they would obviously know if we split up). Without a doubt my answer is no. I would have left long ago if I were listening to others so staying because of them wouldn't make any sense.
He said to me that he has always felt that God put us together to do great things. I know he is right. I know that God is going to use us, and has used us, to do amazing things. I want to be in that place. I want to feel like we are right where God wants us to be. I want to feel like we have the most amazing love. I do know that his love for me now is amazing.
Last night we had a rough night and I fell asleep on the couch before he was ready to go to bed. When he woke me up to go to bed I was too tired and too grouchy to get up and I told him that I was sleeping on the couch. He never got mean and though he did get a little short, he never raised his voice. He kept himself composed and said that if I was than so was he. He brought me some blankets and snuggled up on the other end and we slept 'together' on the couch. This is a new man! It wasn't a test but he still passed. That is amazing love. He saw that there was a need -- a need to give in to my shortcomings -- and he fulfilled that in an incredible way.
234 days. Getting there.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Toys
Day 128: Oh toys. We spent four hours going through and purging the toys that have managed to overrun our house. By the time I was finished I had over five bags of things that were leaving our house plus some big things that did not require bags. It was something that we have been talking about doing for months and just in the past few weeks got serious about doing. The kids are so much happier and less overwhelmed (they had to be overwhelmed by it because I sure was) and have been so much more interested with what is left.
When we moved in late last summer I was seven months pregnant and I did not have the energy or the capability to unpack and organize us like I would have liked to. We have a goal to get everything organized and in it's place -- room by room.
Along the way I think it is crucial that we also do this in our marriage. I think there are some places that are a bit cluttered and disorganized. Some areas could use a good purge and some others that need just a light dusting.
The trick, I know, is maintaining the organization once it's put into place. The same is true in our marriage. I definitely see areas that had been left to collect dust before that are now being very well maintained. I am hopeful that we can continue adding other areas that need some more attention.
Day 129: I finally got some more things to get my sewing area in order (my toys!) so I was working on that until a bunch of my family showed up for lunch and catching up. What a fun afternoon we had.
My husband is always so great about making sure the food comes off the grill tasting amazing (yes, even in freezing weather) and so we ate well. Eventually it started snowing (after a few short days of a break) and ran everyone off. Once everyone was gone, we decided to get out of the house before it got too bad out.
Well, we've been tv free by choice for nearly two years but finally all of those months and months and months and months and months of my husband planting seeds about getting another one and a Wii to go with it paid off. I agreed to go to the electronics store but told him that we weren't buying anything. (I must admit that I had already decided that I was going to give in and let him get one.) We went in and looked around and he was just being patient and nice and even said at one point that we could leave because I was getting so overwhelmed -- seriously with all of those HUGE tvs...it was getting to me -- but we walked to a different part of the store and I pulled myself together.
After I composed myself I decided to pull the trigger -- only there was a catch. There were two sizes that he was eyeing and I knew that he wanted the bigger one (who wouldn't, right?) and so I told him I had something to ask him but he had to answer honestly. (I repeated this several times because, again, I knew he wanted the bigger one but I was afraid that he was just going to tell me what I wanted to hear -- the smaller one which was obviously less expensive.) After making sure that I was perfectly clear I asked him which one he would rather have. He kinda giggled and said that of course the bigger one but that he wanted to go over and look at them again to be sure.
We walked back over and he looked at them and then I just got close to him and hugged him and told him to get whatever he wanted. It's not something that I do often, especially when there is a lot of money involved but I really wanted to bless him.
Day 130: He went and picked up the tv this morning and stopped on the way home and got a Wii.
Oh my! Have you ever tried to hang a tv on the wall? No.small.task. But...since we have small children it was completely necessary for their safety, my sanity and the longevity of the tv. He had to leave for work right after we were finished so the game did not get set up (and I was not going to even be bothered with it). He's been really excited about this gift since last night and for all of the bursts of anxiety I've had over reintroducing a tv to our life it is totally worth his appreciation and happiness.
So tonight when he gets home (hopefully soon and safe since it's been snowing for hours without a break with near white out conditions and four hour commutes for some) I'm sure he'll get it all set up and give his new toy a try.
235 days. We all are happy about our toys!
When we moved in late last summer I was seven months pregnant and I did not have the energy or the capability to unpack and organize us like I would have liked to. We have a goal to get everything organized and in it's place -- room by room.
Along the way I think it is crucial that we also do this in our marriage. I think there are some places that are a bit cluttered and disorganized. Some areas could use a good purge and some others that need just a light dusting.
The trick, I know, is maintaining the organization once it's put into place. The same is true in our marriage. I definitely see areas that had been left to collect dust before that are now being very well maintained. I am hopeful that we can continue adding other areas that need some more attention.
Day 129: I finally got some more things to get my sewing area in order (my toys!) so I was working on that until a bunch of my family showed up for lunch and catching up. What a fun afternoon we had.
My husband is always so great about making sure the food comes off the grill tasting amazing (yes, even in freezing weather) and so we ate well. Eventually it started snowing (after a few short days of a break) and ran everyone off. Once everyone was gone, we decided to get out of the house before it got too bad out.
Well, we've been tv free by choice for nearly two years but finally all of those months and months and months and months and months of my husband planting seeds about getting another one and a Wii to go with it paid off. I agreed to go to the electronics store but told him that we weren't buying anything. (I must admit that I had already decided that I was going to give in and let him get one.) We went in and looked around and he was just being patient and nice and even said at one point that we could leave because I was getting so overwhelmed -- seriously with all of those HUGE tvs...it was getting to me -- but we walked to a different part of the store and I pulled myself together.
After I composed myself I decided to pull the trigger -- only there was a catch. There were two sizes that he was eyeing and I knew that he wanted the bigger one (who wouldn't, right?) and so I told him I had something to ask him but he had to answer honestly. (I repeated this several times because, again, I knew he wanted the bigger one but I was afraid that he was just going to tell me what I wanted to hear -- the smaller one which was obviously less expensive.) After making sure that I was perfectly clear I asked him which one he would rather have. He kinda giggled and said that of course the bigger one but that he wanted to go over and look at them again to be sure.
We walked back over and he looked at them and then I just got close to him and hugged him and told him to get whatever he wanted. It's not something that I do often, especially when there is a lot of money involved but I really wanted to bless him.
Day 130: He went and picked up the tv this morning and stopped on the way home and got a Wii.
Oh my! Have you ever tried to hang a tv on the wall? No.small.task. But...since we have small children it was completely necessary for their safety, my sanity and the longevity of the tv. He had to leave for work right after we were finished so the game did not get set up (and I was not going to even be bothered with it). He's been really excited about this gift since last night and for all of the bursts of anxiety I've had over reintroducing a tv to our life it is totally worth his appreciation and happiness.
So tonight when he gets home (hopefully soon and safe since it's been snowing for hours without a break with near white out conditions and four hour commutes for some) I'm sure he'll get it all set up and give his new toy a try.
235 days. We all are happy about our toys!
Friday, February 18, 2011
My Type
Day 126: They delivered our new furniture today. Looks like we are staying here and not running off to paradise for awhile longer. It looks good and is super comfy!
Last night we set out to make love but I just couldn't. It hurt. I felt so sad. I could feel my husband hurting as he held me and tried to comfort me. He did everything right, I just could not get past the overwhelming feelings that I was having.
Three months ago I was able to wrap myself around him and comfort him, now I feel like I can't even comfort myself. I guess this was the test that I was fearing...if he could carry both of us. He's doing a fine job at it, now that I have reached this point, but I'm ready to walk on my own again. I don't see that happening for awhile though.
I felt safe and loved. I felt his patience while I worked through everything. Everything felt genuine.
Day 127: We all got up this morning and I walked out into the kitchen without my pajama/house pants on. Oops! My husband whisked me off to the bedroom during breakfast time and we made love. It felt good to be out of the funk that I was in the other night.
Then I treated him to a pre-planned, guilt free shopping trip for some new work clothes -- his have seen better days. He looked really good today. I haven't seen him look that secure about himself in awhile. It made me happy. I realized today that I have never stopped loving how he looks. Both of our bodies have changed since we got married but he is still the same ruggedly handsome man that I fell in love with over ten years ago.
If someone were to ask me what my "type" was before I met him I would have never described him but God sure knew what He was doing because he is most definitely my type! Built like I imagine Samson was. Shoulders big enough to fill a doorway, legs like trees, forearms that give me the safest feeling when I am holding onto them. He is husky and broad. His brow gives him a mysterious look over his doe eyes -- that our daughter got from him! -- and his cheeks bones compliment his smile perfectly. His five o'clock shadow is here before noon and on day three he pulls off facial hair with the best of them.
238 days. I feel giddy.
Last night we set out to make love but I just couldn't. It hurt. I felt so sad. I could feel my husband hurting as he held me and tried to comfort me. He did everything right, I just could not get past the overwhelming feelings that I was having.
Three months ago I was able to wrap myself around him and comfort him, now I feel like I can't even comfort myself. I guess this was the test that I was fearing...if he could carry both of us. He's doing a fine job at it, now that I have reached this point, but I'm ready to walk on my own again. I don't see that happening for awhile though.
I felt safe and loved. I felt his patience while I worked through everything. Everything felt genuine.
Day 127: We all got up this morning and I walked out into the kitchen without my pajama/house pants on. Oops! My husband whisked me off to the bedroom during breakfast time and we made love. It felt good to be out of the funk that I was in the other night.
Then I treated him to a pre-planned, guilt free shopping trip for some new work clothes -- his have seen better days. He looked really good today. I haven't seen him look that secure about himself in awhile. It made me happy. I realized today that I have never stopped loving how he looks. Both of our bodies have changed since we got married but he is still the same ruggedly handsome man that I fell in love with over ten years ago.
If someone were to ask me what my "type" was before I met him I would have never described him but God sure knew what He was doing because he is most definitely my type! Built like I imagine Samson was. Shoulders big enough to fill a doorway, legs like trees, forearms that give me the safest feeling when I am holding onto them. He is husky and broad. His brow gives him a mysterious look over his doe eyes -- that our daughter got from him! -- and his cheeks bones compliment his smile perfectly. His five o'clock shadow is here before noon and on day three he pulls off facial hair with the best of them.
238 days. I feel giddy.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
A Long Road
Day 125: It was four months ago, yesterday, that he came home and told me everything. It feels like a lifetime ago.
Today my little girl was running around one room over and I heard the smile on her face and in her heart when she said, "I'm so happy!". I don't know what was going on or what her big brother had just done but the joy that filled my soul when I heard that was almost tangible.
I thought to myself how my husband probably longs for that day and that feeling. How he is striving, not only to fix himself but, to help me fix me. I told him tonight that I feel like I am reaching a breaking point again and he said, "Well, I'll do whatever I need to do to help you get through it. I love you." I appreciate that he does not try to talk me out of how I am feeling. That he just takes it for what it is and faces it head on. As much as he longs for that day, I do too. I want to be "so happy!". I want my heart to smile again. I want to have peace again. I can't wait to have that for myself and my babies. I cannot wait to give that joy to my husband.
I have more tears than I know what to do with anymore. I cry everyday. In the past when I have heard people say that I always thought that it must take an incredibly depressed and hopeless person to cry everyday. Now, here I sit, crying everyday. Hmmm. Guess, I never thought it would be me.
We watched a movie last night and there was a quote that struck me.
I was sitting next to my husband and we both just shook our heads.
Day 240. We're in this together.
Today my little girl was running around one room over and I heard the smile on her face and in her heart when she said, "I'm so happy!". I don't know what was going on or what her big brother had just done but the joy that filled my soul when I heard that was almost tangible.
I thought to myself how my husband probably longs for that day and that feeling. How he is striving, not only to fix himself but, to help me fix me. I told him tonight that I feel like I am reaching a breaking point again and he said, "Well, I'll do whatever I need to do to help you get through it. I love you." I appreciate that he does not try to talk me out of how I am feeling. That he just takes it for what it is and faces it head on. As much as he longs for that day, I do too. I want to be "so happy!". I want my heart to smile again. I want to have peace again. I can't wait to have that for myself and my babies. I cannot wait to give that joy to my husband.
I have more tears than I know what to do with anymore. I cry everyday. In the past when I have heard people say that I always thought that it must take an incredibly depressed and hopeless person to cry everyday. Now, here I sit, crying everyday. Hmmm. Guess, I never thought it would be me.
We watched a movie last night and there was a quote that struck me.
No matter how much you change you still have to pay the price for the things you've done. So I got a long road.
I was sitting next to my husband and we both just shook our heads.
Day 240. We're in this together.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Pulling Back
Day 124: And back down again.
Gosh, I don't even know where to start. I hate this. I hate all of this. I'm so unbelievably sad and while it is pretty easy for me to tuck it away it is just right there ready to spill over whenever things get hard.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to be me again and not this mess of who I've become.
I feel like this hurt amounts to nothing.
I know he's trying. I see it. I feel it. But I just hurt so badly. I cry so much.
I feel myself pulling back. I tell myself that I am protecting myself but I know that I'm not. I'm just tired of hurting. And trying means hurting. What happens if I quit trying though. I can't just give up. I don't want to and it's not who I am. I am a fighter and a lover. I don't back down. I give it all that I have until I get what I want. Why now? Why when everything that I want is on the line do I want to give up?
241 days. Hurting.
Gosh, I don't even know where to start. I hate this. I hate all of this. I'm so unbelievably sad and while it is pretty easy for me to tuck it away it is just right there ready to spill over whenever things get hard.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to be me again and not this mess of who I've become.
I feel like this hurt amounts to nothing.
I know he's trying. I see it. I feel it. But I just hurt so badly. I cry so much.
I feel myself pulling back. I tell myself that I am protecting myself but I know that I'm not. I'm just tired of hurting. And trying means hurting. What happens if I quit trying though. I can't just give up. I don't want to and it's not who I am. I am a fighter and a lover. I don't back down. I give it all that I have until I get what I want. Why now? Why when everything that I want is on the line do I want to give up?
241 days. Hurting.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Fun Weekend
Day 121: What a lovely day. I haven't said that in awhile. It feels good.
We left later than we wanted but we made it to our destination and decided on some new furniture.
Later we spent the evening making dinner at someone-who-we love's house. She really appreciated a home cooked meal. Then we got busy playing Wii and having loads of fun. We left late but it was worth staying up.
We have not had a Saturday that good in a long time. We both really needed it.
Day 122: The day did not get off to a good start. I was tired and grouchy and a chain of events led me to staying in bed rather than getting up to get us all ready for church. I'm disappointed in myself and I am going to keep in mind what happened so that we can go next week.
He really pulled the day together after the rough morning and we got all ready and left again. We spent the day getting a few things done but ran out of time to get what I needed to get done. He told me to drop him and the toddlers off at the house so that he could get it picked up and to take myself and the baby to the store and enjoy my time. I did just that. I went and got a few things and it felt nice to not rush around.
I came home and helped finish picking up the house and then he left with an approved guy member of our family to go to a basketball game. Meanwhile, I stayed home with the babies and approved member's wife and her little one. We did some crafts with the babies and then settled in and eventually said goodnight and I put everyone down to sleep.
My husband got home sooner than I expected which was so nice and so we snuggled up and watched something together before going to bed.
What a fun weekend we had. There were some bumps along the way but we made it.
Sometime during the weekend we were sitting together on the couch and he said to me, "I don't want the storm." I think him recognizing what was coming and equipping himself made all the difference. I really do.
Day 123: Once again he took me out to get some things done that I needed to get done. He is either putting a lot of thought and effort into making me happy or is it just coming naturally these days but either way he is doing a good job. I think I feel my face smiling a little bit right now thinking about the last few days that we've had.
I feel like we are turning a bit of a corner and, as scary as that is, I'm going to let it happen.
Oh, and we wait until the 24th of February to celebrate Valentine's Day. It was the day that he arrived in Paradise 7 years ago where we ended up getting engaged just a few short weeks later. It is corny and cheesy but it is us and we are not going to change it. Stayed tuned...
242 days. What a fun weekend!
We left later than we wanted but we made it to our destination and decided on some new furniture.
Later we spent the evening making dinner at someone-who-we love's house. She really appreciated a home cooked meal. Then we got busy playing Wii and having loads of fun. We left late but it was worth staying up.
We have not had a Saturday that good in a long time. We both really needed it.
Day 122: The day did not get off to a good start. I was tired and grouchy and a chain of events led me to staying in bed rather than getting up to get us all ready for church. I'm disappointed in myself and I am going to keep in mind what happened so that we can go next week.
He really pulled the day together after the rough morning and we got all ready and left again. We spent the day getting a few things done but ran out of time to get what I needed to get done. He told me to drop him and the toddlers off at the house so that he could get it picked up and to take myself and the baby to the store and enjoy my time. I did just that. I went and got a few things and it felt nice to not rush around.
I came home and helped finish picking up the house and then he left with an approved guy member of our family to go to a basketball game. Meanwhile, I stayed home with the babies and approved member's wife and her little one. We did some crafts with the babies and then settled in and eventually said goodnight and I put everyone down to sleep.
My husband got home sooner than I expected which was so nice and so we snuggled up and watched something together before going to bed.
What a fun weekend we had. There were some bumps along the way but we made it.
Sometime during the weekend we were sitting together on the couch and he said to me, "I don't want the storm." I think him recognizing what was coming and equipping himself made all the difference. I really do.
Day 123: Once again he took me out to get some things done that I needed to get done. He is either putting a lot of thought and effort into making me happy or is it just coming naturally these days but either way he is doing a good job. I think I feel my face smiling a little bit right now thinking about the last few days that we've had.
I feel like we are turning a bit of a corner and, as scary as that is, I'm going to let it happen.
Oh, and we wait until the 24th of February to celebrate Valentine's Day. It was the day that he arrived in Paradise 7 years ago where we ended up getting engaged just a few short weeks later. It is corny and cheesy but it is us and we are not going to change it. Stayed tuned...
242 days. What a fun weekend!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Days Like Today
Day 120: I didn't sleep well last night which was doubly unfortunate because I said that I was going to get up early and make a grocery list so we could go shopping since it's been about a month. Eek!
None of it went as planned and I ended up throwing in the towel on leaving. My husband eventually came back to talk to me after I had calmed down and said that we should still go and that he would make sure that we had a good trip.
He made good on his word.
We left late, were cutting it close on time so that he could be to work on time, but still he kept a happy face on and had a great attitude. I love this side of him. He even stopped on the way home, though we really didn't have the time to spare, and got me a sweet tea.
He busted a move when we got home and brought all of the groceries in and then left for work. I can't remember the last time we were cutting everything so close and him having such a great attitude. It really makes me happy because when I look back I realize what a good day we ended up having because he chose to make it one.
Days like today give me a lot of hope for the future. Days like today make me see the man that I want to love me. Days like today make me feel loved. Days like today show me that he can love me through this pain. Days like today put more pieces of me back together.
245 days. I like days like today.
None of it went as planned and I ended up throwing in the towel on leaving. My husband eventually came back to talk to me after I had calmed down and said that we should still go and that he would make sure that we had a good trip.
He made good on his word.
We left late, were cutting it close on time so that he could be to work on time, but still he kept a happy face on and had a great attitude. I love this side of him. He even stopped on the way home, though we really didn't have the time to spare, and got me a sweet tea.
He busted a move when we got home and brought all of the groceries in and then left for work. I can't remember the last time we were cutting everything so close and him having such a great attitude. It really makes me happy because when I look back I realize what a good day we ended up having because he chose to make it one.
Days like today give me a lot of hope for the future. Days like today make me see the man that I want to love me. Days like today make me feel loved. Days like today show me that he can love me through this pain. Days like today put more pieces of me back together.
245 days. I like days like today.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Massage
Day 119: I finally went for my massage this morning. It was long overdue.
As I was laying on the table I was praying. Praying that the release of stress would help me come home and be a better mother and wife. Praying that this was just what I needed to let go of some of it. Praying that God would use today as a turning point.
I can't say that I noticed any immediate answers to my prayers but I am still hopeful and my back sure does feel better.
I'm in a lull again which to me only means one thing...the storm is coming. I'm wondering how we will get through this one. Hopefully we have really learned some things from the last ones.
I suppose it means one other thing, as well. I can't find much to write about.
Day 246: The Calm.
As I was laying on the table I was praying. Praying that the release of stress would help me come home and be a better mother and wife. Praying that this was just what I needed to let go of some of it. Praying that God would use today as a turning point.
I can't say that I noticed any immediate answers to my prayers but I am still hopeful and my back sure does feel better.
I'm in a lull again which to me only means one thing...the storm is coming. I'm wondering how we will get through this one. Hopefully we have really learned some things from the last ones.
I suppose it means one other thing, as well. I can't find much to write about.
Day 246: The Calm.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Trust
Day 117: I took my husband to work and then the babies and I went to hang out with a loved one. We spent the evening there. It was loads of fun and a nice break from our everyday schedule. I went and picked him back up and we got home really late and spent the evening cuddled up on the couch watching a show.
Day 118: There is a battle within. It's like I can feel it. There's a part of me hanging on and a part of me trying to let go. It's scary. I know what to do (let go) but I can't. I am too afraid that letting go of the pain will hurt. It doesn't make any sense. None of this makes any sense.
Why can't I let go? I have already made it through the worst pain I've ever known and I know this won't hurt nearly as bad. Is it because I am still afraid to trust him? (Ah, we had this conversation.) I am. I am afraid to trust him because I have to trust only in him.
One of my huge insecurities now is being able to trust myself. I never knew it was going on and, still, I look back and don't see it. How could I be so wrong? How could I be so sure of what we had when it was all falling apart in my hands? How could I be so blind? And...how can I trust myself to recognize it now?
247 days. Can I trust him?
Day 118: There is a battle within. It's like I can feel it. There's a part of me hanging on and a part of me trying to let go. It's scary. I know what to do (let go) but I can't. I am too afraid that letting go of the pain will hurt. It doesn't make any sense. None of this makes any sense.
Why can't I let go? I have already made it through the worst pain I've ever known and I know this won't hurt nearly as bad. Is it because I am still afraid to trust him? (Ah, we had this conversation.) I am. I am afraid to trust him because I have to trust only in him.
One of my huge insecurities now is being able to trust myself. I never knew it was going on and, still, I look back and don't see it. How could I be so wrong? How could I be so sure of what we had when it was all falling apart in my hands? How could I be so blind? And...how can I trust myself to recognize it now?
247 days. Can I trust him?
Monday, February 7, 2011
Choosing Hope
Day 114: Ahhh. I'm so tired lately I barely remember the days. Saturday we got off to a rocky start but we managed to pull it together and get some things accomplished. I had to go to the craft store to pick up some yarn and then we went to the hardware store and picked up a bunch of supplies to redo my sewing room. We got home late and had dinner as a family and then had a movie night with the babies.
After the babies went to bed things went south in a hurry and it ended in a lot of tears. I was trying to get him to understand something that I was saying and not until I started crying did he seem to even care to comfort me. Then suddenly he got really upset and told me to hit him but was also trying to hug me. I flipped out, yelled at him and told him not to touch me. He was really confusing me and something inside me was really scared of letting him in. He tried again to hug me and I screamed --really screamed-- at him not to touch me and then I jumped up and went to the other couch.
He came over and we talked for a long time. We've always made it a point not to go to bed angry. This night was no different.
Day 115: We woke without enough time to get ready for church since we were up so late.
He helped me all day in my sewing room. Moving things, framing and hanging pegboard, moving things again, moving all of my fabric (there is a lot of fabric). It was refreshing to work together so well. By mid afternoon we were beat. The sewing room was trashed but the boards were hung and the cabinet was moved and anchored to the wall. We got the babies ready to go over to watch the Super Bowl Game with some family! The evening was fun. With some help, I cooked several dozens of hot wings and there were lots of other goodies to munch on. We all ate and enjoyed watching the Steelers lose (please don't stop reading my blog if you are a Steelers fan, it's nothing personal).
We came home really late and crashed.
Day 116: Choosing hope.
When there is no human reason to hope then is the greatest time to find hope in Our Lord. He is the what gets us through when all seems lost. When everything seems ruined and over and there is no reason left to hope He is still there. He is still holding our hand, carrying our heart, wiping our tears.
249 days. Today I choose hope.
After the babies went to bed things went south in a hurry and it ended in a lot of tears. I was trying to get him to understand something that I was saying and not until I started crying did he seem to even care to comfort me. Then suddenly he got really upset and told me to hit him but was also trying to hug me. I flipped out, yelled at him and told him not to touch me. He was really confusing me and something inside me was really scared of letting him in. He tried again to hug me and I screamed --really screamed-- at him not to touch me and then I jumped up and went to the other couch.
He came over and we talked for a long time. We've always made it a point not to go to bed angry. This night was no different.
Day 115: We woke without enough time to get ready for church since we were up so late.
He helped me all day in my sewing room. Moving things, framing and hanging pegboard, moving things again, moving all of my fabric (there is a lot of fabric). It was refreshing to work together so well. By mid afternoon we were beat. The sewing room was trashed but the boards were hung and the cabinet was moved and anchored to the wall. We got the babies ready to go over to watch the Super Bowl Game with some family! The evening was fun. With some help, I cooked several dozens of hot wings and there were lots of other goodies to munch on. We all ate and enjoyed watching the Steelers lose (please don't stop reading my blog if you are a Steelers fan, it's nothing personal).
We came home really late and crashed.
Day 116: Choosing hope.
When there is no human reason to hope then is the greatest time to find hope in Our Lord. He is the what gets us through when all seems lost. When everything seems ruined and over and there is no reason left to hope He is still there. He is still holding our hand, carrying our heart, wiping our tears.
249 days. Today I choose hope.
Friday, February 4, 2011
His Gift
Day 113: I logged onto the computer after putting the babies to bed and found this:
252 days. I feel blessed today.
My world revolves around this gift that God has graciously bestowed upon me. The sun rises and sets with this responsibility that He has entrusted me with. I have made mistakes. Bad ones. But I have been given another chance and I can't let my regret and sadness hinder me. I have a mission to accomplish. A woman to love. A family to raise. Thank You God for Your unbelievable grace. Thank you, [Babe], for your unbelievable faith in me. I love you.
252 days. I feel blessed today.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
It Goes By So Fast
Day 112: What a mess. We are working through it but it is nothing short of a mess.
I have been feeling lately that life is back to where it was before I knew all of this. Back to the routine and rut that it was in. (I mean rut in a good way.) We are coming and going and ebbing and flowing like we used to. Life is life again but now I have this burden strapped to my back that weighs me down.
I have been sleeping in more and more lately. I hate it. I know I am missing out and my babies are not going to be small forever. I am so afraid to miss out (did I already blog about this?). I am so afraid to look back in a year and realize that my babies are another year older (especially my newborn -- who is now four months old) and I missed it. Oh my, the pain in thinking that.
It feels like she was just born, it feels like she was just days old, it feels like she was 18 days old in my arms when he came home and broke my heart. It feels like that was all yesterday but, you know what, she rolled over today. I wish I could pause her. My little man is getting close to turning four and my little two year old girl is growing up so much. Becoming so independent and out spoken. It just goes by too fast.
Life goes by so fast. I keep waiting for something to change. I keep waiting for that feeling that everything is ok. That we are going to make it...for sure. That we are healed. That we are beyond this. Sometimes I think that will never come. That no matter what we fix and how much time passes that this will always be a monkey on my back. Goodness, I hope not.
I want my babies to have a happy mommy. I want to be what they need -- all of the time. I want to be whole for them
I want my husband to have a happy wife. I want to be what he needs -- all of the time. I want to be whole for him.
I want to be happy. I want be what I need to be -- all of the time. I want to be whole for me.
253 days. Still learning to let go.
I have been feeling lately that life is back to where it was before I knew all of this. Back to the routine and rut that it was in. (I mean rut in a good way.) We are coming and going and ebbing and flowing like we used to. Life is life again but now I have this burden strapped to my back that weighs me down.
I have been sleeping in more and more lately. I hate it. I know I am missing out and my babies are not going to be small forever. I am so afraid to miss out (did I already blog about this?). I am so afraid to look back in a year and realize that my babies are another year older (especially my newborn -- who is now four months old) and I missed it. Oh my, the pain in thinking that.
It feels like she was just born, it feels like she was just days old, it feels like she was 18 days old in my arms when he came home and broke my heart. It feels like that was all yesterday but, you know what, she rolled over today. I wish I could pause her. My little man is getting close to turning four and my little two year old girl is growing up so much. Becoming so independent and out spoken. It just goes by too fast.
Life goes by so fast. I keep waiting for something to change. I keep waiting for that feeling that everything is ok. That we are going to make it...for sure. That we are healed. That we are beyond this. Sometimes I think that will never come. That no matter what we fix and how much time passes that this will always be a monkey on my back. Goodness, I hope not.
I want my babies to have a happy mommy. I want to be what they need -- all of the time. I want to be whole for them
I want my husband to have a happy wife. I want to be what he needs -- all of the time. I want to be whole for him.
I want to be happy. I want be what I need to be -- all of the time. I want to be whole for me.
253 days. Still learning to let go.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
*Will I Be Loved?*
Day 111:
Written on Day 111 (2.2.11)
-------------------------------------------------------
When all is said and done
Where will my heart be?
Will I be stronger?
Will I be wiser?
Will I be loved?
This hurt is overwhelming.
This hurt is taking over.
This hurt is all I know now
That my world is ripped in two.
The room is getting smaller.
The voices sound so faint.
It's all closing in on me.
How do I escape?
When all is said and done
Where will my heart be?
Will I be stronger?
Will I be wiser?
Will I be loved?
I don't know how to do this.
I don't know if I can make it.
I want this to be over.
I want the wound to heal.
Does anyone hear my cry?
Can anyone see my tears?
Am I going to survive this?
Lord, are you there?
When all is said and done
Where will my heart be?
Will I be stronger?
Will I be wiser?
Will I be loved?
One step at a time now.
I just keep pressing on
Though I'm lost on my way.
I'm fighting as I go.
He holds me when I cry.
He wipes away my tears.
He says that he's sorry.
He says he'll be here.
When all is said and done
My heart will still be his.
I know I'll be stronger.
I don't care if I'm wiser.
But, will I be loved?
254 days. I just want to be loved.
Written on Day 111 (2.2.11)
-------------------------------------------------------
When all is said and done
Where will my heart be?
Will I be stronger?
Will I be wiser?
Will I be loved?
This hurt is overwhelming.
This hurt is taking over.
This hurt is all I know now
That my world is ripped in two.
The room is getting smaller.
The voices sound so faint.
It's all closing in on me.
How do I escape?
When all is said and done
Where will my heart be?
Will I be stronger?
Will I be wiser?
Will I be loved?
I don't know how to do this.
I don't know if I can make it.
I want this to be over.
I want the wound to heal.
Does anyone hear my cry?
Can anyone see my tears?
Am I going to survive this?
Lord, are you there?
When all is said and done
Where will my heart be?
Will I be stronger?
Will I be wiser?
Will I be loved?
One step at a time now.
I just keep pressing on
Though I'm lost on my way.
I'm fighting as I go.
He holds me when I cry.
He wipes away my tears.
He says that he's sorry.
He says he'll be here.
When all is said and done
My heart will still be his.
I know I'll be stronger.
I don't care if I'm wiser.
But, will I be loved?
254 days. I just want to be loved.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Another Note
Day 110:
Written on day 104 (1.26.11).
-------------------------------------------------------------
My Love,
I rarely find time these days to think, let alone write.
Life is hard right now. Emotional highs have died down and real life is here staring us in the face. Part of me wants to back down. Surrender and give in to the pain and hopelessness. Part of me feels like there's no chance at ever making this work again, but who am I kidding...it never was working. Our marriage was broken long before I ever knew. Our marriage has always been broken. It's such a sad reality for me to face. The idea that I was pouring myself into something that had no life.
I think back to the times when I would tell you that I had nothing left to give...think back and my heart breaks at knowing that it was so very true. Everything that I was giving was falling on infertile ground. You could not (would not) receive what I was giving and yet you were asking for more of me.
This wound of mine is so deep and so real, and so very infected right now. It hurts now more than it did three months ago. It hurts more knowing how far there is to go. It hurts knowing that this is reality. It hurts knowing that you rejected me. It hurts knowing that I was not enough. That you wanted (and had) other things. That you threw it all away. Gave it all up the first time you ever decided that you would have something else. Gave it all up over and over and over and over and over and over again. Over and over and over.
I try to let it go. I try to move forward, yet there it is. Always. It lurks in the shadows, it haunts me in my sleep. It finds its way into my most sacred thoughts. It ruins good days and keeps away happy moments. It's overwhelming and I'm not sure you realize to what extent.
I'm sorry that I have bad days on end. I'm sorry sometimes I can't manage a giggle or a smile. I'm sorry that the things that used to make me laugh only make me sad or angry now. I'm sorry that now you are here and trying I am off somewhere in my head living a different life. Lost with all of this hurt and anguish. Lost in my own misery. Lost with no direction on how to get back. I'm sorry I'm not the wife that you once knew. I'm sorry that in her place is a sad, lonely, depressed, anxious mess of a wife. I'm sorry that I have very little (if anything) to offer and I'm even more sorry that I cannot tell you when I will have anything more. I'm sorry that I have no place left to internalize my thoughts and feelings yet at the same time I hold back because I'm unable to express what I really feel. I'm sorry things that should be important don't even matter to me. I'm sorry that I'm not coping well with life right now.
I'm still hanging on though, as tough as it may be. I'm still fighting though I'm weak.
I love you,
Me
255 days. He told me that I have no reason to be sorry and that he is determined to fight harder than ever now. He told me that everything that fell onto infertile ground is still there and that the ground is fertile now. That it was not for nothing. It was a good night of healing.
Written on day 104 (1.26.11).
-------------------------------------------------------------
My Love,
I rarely find time these days to think, let alone write.
Life is hard right now. Emotional highs have died down and real life is here staring us in the face. Part of me wants to back down. Surrender and give in to the pain and hopelessness. Part of me feels like there's no chance at ever making this work again, but who am I kidding...it never was working. Our marriage was broken long before I ever knew. Our marriage has always been broken. It's such a sad reality for me to face. The idea that I was pouring myself into something that had no life.
I think back to the times when I would tell you that I had nothing left to give...think back and my heart breaks at knowing that it was so very true. Everything that I was giving was falling on infertile ground. You could not (would not) receive what I was giving and yet you were asking for more of me.
This wound of mine is so deep and so real, and so very infected right now. It hurts now more than it did three months ago. It hurts more knowing how far there is to go. It hurts knowing that this is reality. It hurts knowing that you rejected me. It hurts knowing that I was not enough. That you wanted (and had) other things. That you threw it all away. Gave it all up the first time you ever decided that you would have something else. Gave it all up over and over and over and over and over and over again. Over and over and over.
I try to let it go. I try to move forward, yet there it is. Always. It lurks in the shadows, it haunts me in my sleep. It finds its way into my most sacred thoughts. It ruins good days and keeps away happy moments. It's overwhelming and I'm not sure you realize to what extent.
I'm sorry that I have bad days on end. I'm sorry sometimes I can't manage a giggle or a smile. I'm sorry that the things that used to make me laugh only make me sad or angry now. I'm sorry that now you are here and trying I am off somewhere in my head living a different life. Lost with all of this hurt and anguish. Lost in my own misery. Lost with no direction on how to get back. I'm sorry I'm not the wife that you once knew. I'm sorry that in her place is a sad, lonely, depressed, anxious mess of a wife. I'm sorry that I have very little (if anything) to offer and I'm even more sorry that I cannot tell you when I will have anything more. I'm sorry that I have no place left to internalize my thoughts and feelings yet at the same time I hold back because I'm unable to express what I really feel. I'm sorry things that should be important don't even matter to me. I'm sorry that I'm not coping well with life right now.
I'm still hanging on though, as tough as it may be. I'm still fighting though I'm weak.
I love you,
Me
255 days. He told me that I have no reason to be sorry and that he is determined to fight harder than ever now. He told me that everything that fell onto infertile ground is still there and that the ground is fertile now. That it was not for nothing. It was a good night of healing.
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