So Much Of Me

Day 138: I saw a piece of his broken heart today.

We were laying in bed -- all five of us -- and he said that he is so sorry that he was not "fully here" when the other two were little. He was holding our baby girl and just looking at her. He said that he just holds her and appreciates her so much more. Looking back and knowing all that I know I still believe that he's always been a great Dad.

I wondered for awhile if we would ever tell our kids (much, MUCH, later down the road) about what had happened between us. It didn't take me long to decide that no good would come of it. I want our kids to see the beauty of marriage and love. I want them to believe in it and hope for it. I want them to see love between us and learn from us. I want them to see how good it can be and how rewarding it is. I believe that we can model that without having to show them that we loved so much that we got through this.

So much of me still questions a lot of what is going on. So much of me still wonders if this is all just a bad dream. So much of me aches at the thought of this happening again.

So much of me still wanders through life aimlessly. So much of me hurts that I cannot expose all of me because it still hurts too bad. The wind of life is still too devastating for the wound that is still raw.

So much of me still wants so badly to believe that I will wake up from this. Wake up and find my husband laying next to me without a crease on his brow from this heartache.

So much of me is still broken but...so much of me has been put back together.

I wish I could live the emotions that I feel. So many of them are stuck inside of me.

Day 227: I've found myself in the palm of his hand again.