Day 117: I took my husband to work and then the babies and I went to hang out with a loved one. We spent the evening there. It was loads of fun and a nice break from our everyday schedule. I went and picked him back up and we got home really late and spent the evening cuddled up on the couch watching a show.
Day 118: There is a battle within. It's like I can feel it. There's a part of me hanging on and a part of me trying to let go. It's scary. I know what to do (let go) but I can't. I am too afraid that letting go of the pain will hurt. It doesn't make any sense. None of this makes any sense.
Why can't I let go? I have already made it through the worst pain I've ever known and I know this won't hurt nearly as bad. Is it because I am still afraid to trust him? (Ah, we had this conversation.) I am. I am afraid to trust him because I have to trust only in him.
One of my huge insecurities now is being able to trust myself. I never knew it was going on and, still, I look back and don't see it. How could I be so wrong? How could I be so sure of what we had when it was all falling apart in my hands? How could I be so blind? And...how can I trust myself to recognize it now?
247 days. Can I trust him?
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