Golf

Day 156: On the drive down I was remembering the day after he told me. We had already made plans to go help out down there and I did not want to cancel on them even though I was running on a few hours of sleep and I was in a daze. He asked me if I remember how I felt that day. I do. I felt like I was having a nightmare. All I wanted to do was wake up from it. He asked me if things are better now. They are and they aren't. I am not reduced to tears as easily these days -- though they are always under the surface. I think I understand that this had nothing to do with me and was his problem. I think I feel more loved now than I did right after I found out. Those things, even with the uncertainty that comes with them, make it better. What makes it worse though is that I know I am not having a nightmare. I still have days where I think that I am and wish and pray that I am but for the most part I know this is my reality.

We had a great day visiting our loved ones. We stopped at a few stores and then had dinner.

Day 157: Woke up and had the most delicious pancake breakfast. We spent the morning just hanging out before we packed up to come back home. On the drive home we started talking again.

It started when drove past a golf course and he mentioned how nice it would be to go. Just the mere mention of the sport makes me trigger. Why? Well, because over the years he complained that he had no freedom and while it's true I look back and know now that he was taking it even though I was not giving. I also look back and think that I was unable to give that to him because I was insecure. Not insecure like I am now but I always have felt like I have to make myself his first priority. It's obvious now that something was missing. I have to think that if he had been pouring himself into our marriage it would have been amazing. He says its so easy. So easy to love me like he does now. Goodness, the pain he has makes my heart hurt.

All of those years when he was stealing our time and money. All of those years he was doing what he wanted. Why didn't he go golfing? Now I just cringe at the thought. I have no (read: none, zero, zilch, nada) desire to punish him. I just want time to pass so that it doesn't sting like it does now. I told him that I have an unexplainable amount of anger that is directed at the thought of him golfing but that I am ok with it. It is something that I don't really have to deal with and it takes some of the pressure off. This is something that I feel like I can bury, only talk about once in awhile and it will eventually dissipate. The way I described it to him was like burying something soluble in the earth. Eventually it will seep away. I'm not kidding myself, that's how this feels and I am ok with that.

Day 158: My baby girl is growing and trying crawl and that means she needs more time in my lap while she fights sleep. That means that I can't always do what I have planned but that's ok. She's not going to be little forever and I cherish ever nap that she takes in my arms. I can't believe how big she is getting. It goes by too fast.

Day 159: I have not been getting enough sleep over the past week and it is definitely affecting my mood. I've been a grouch all day long. We barely made it through today without a major outburst. I really need to get some good rest tonight. Hopefully I'll wake up in a better mood tomorrow. He deserves for me to be.

206 days. Tired.