My Cocktail

Day 146: Still sick. My baby girl is also having a growth spurt and needed me to just hold her which I gladly did.

Day 147: He woke me up at 8:30 with coffee going and a smile. I noticed shortly after I got up that I actually am starting to feel better. I have no idea which part of the cocktail of things that I am taking is helping but I honestly don't care. 3 times daily I've been taking 3 echinacea, 2 garlic, 2 drops of homeopathic cold/sinus mixture, and a dose of colloidal silver. I am really hoping that I am on the mend and tomorrow I will be feeling even better.

Yesterday was a good day. HE GOT THE JOB! He was chosen from 20 people for the program. I am so proud of him. It's still looking like 6-8 more weeks on second shift and then I'm not even sure that he will go straight to first shift but I am really hoping so. Next week he will get the entire program schedule for the next 18 months. This is really good news because I like to know what is coming. I deal with it better.

Last night I was still feeling really crummy and he asked me what he could bring me? I chose a 7 layer burrito (so not proud of that but I was hungry!) and he complimented it with an almond joy and a pretty new shirt. What a guy!

He made us a fabulous lunch today, ran to the post office to fix an error that I made and got a haircut. Before work he also took the time to relax with me and ask me how he can make things better for me. We talked about how we need to talk about "it" and deal with the heart of the issue and not just all of the symptoms. He gets that. He gets it all.

It's just such a hard place to be right now. Right where I am. It's so hard being me and being depressed. I've been depressed in the past (briefly -- usually winter blues) but I never admit it to myself until it's over. It's just my way of dealing with it. My way of getting through it. This time I feel like admitting it to myself has been like giving in to it and now I don't know how to get past it. I told him today that the only way I see out right now is medicine that makes me feel nothing and I am NOT willing to do that. I'll never be.

I'm really hoping that this weekend pushes me past the plateau that I'm on. Definitely going to take the baby with us so that I can relax and not worry about how she is doing. It'll be more fun that way!

218 days. Dear Jesus, please heal me.