He is on first shift now and life is busy, busy, busy. I don't even know where to squeeze the time in right now.
Things are hard. Really hard. I am more depressed than ever and feeling like I am failing my babies in a big way. We are trying to adjust and I feel like as soon as we do his shift will be changing again (it's in 1-2 month slots for the next 18 months).
I don't know how to process everything these days and so I find myself burying way too much of it.
He is trying. Trying to help himself. Trying to help me. Trying to help us.
He just sent me a love note tonight while I was putting the baby to sleep.
Babe,
I'm sorry that I haven't written in a while.
I want you to know how much I admire you. You are easily the toughest person that I know and I thank God every morning that he created us for each other.
Things are hard right now... really hard. I see how hard you are trying and yet I know you still feel like you're failing. I know I'm not doing enough. I need to do better. I hope you've seen some kind of improvement over the last couple of days. I need to show you how much I love you. I love you so much but my actions don't always communicate it as well as my words. I just want you to know that I know all of this and I'm going to do better.
Please don't give up. We will make it through this.
{Your Husband}
I feel better after reading that but I know that tomorrow is another day and I will wake up with this weight on my heart. I've been battling the feeling lately that I just was not good enough. It's almost more than I can take.
Over the last few weeks so much has happened. The first day on his new shift he was late so he came home with wildflowers in hand, I rearranged our bedroom and hung our printed wedding vows up (never got around to it after we moved here), I bought him tickets to a baseball game and sent him out to enjoy himself with our brother- in- law.
166 days. I am going to try to make time to catch up.
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