Another Note

Day 110:

Written on day 104 (1.26.11).

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My Love,

I rarely find time these days to think, let alone write.

Life is hard right now. Emotional highs have died down and real life is here staring us in the face. Part of me wants to back down. Surrender and give in to the pain and hopelessness. Part of me feels like there's no chance at ever making this work again, but who am I kidding...it never was working. Our marriage was broken long before I ever knew. Our marriage has always been broken. It's such a sad reality for me to face. The idea that I was pouring myself into something that had no life.

I think back to the times when I would tell you that I had nothing left to give...think back and my heart breaks at knowing that it was so very true. Everything that I was giving was falling on infertile ground. You could not (would not) receive what I was giving and yet you were asking for more of me.

This wound of mine is so deep and so real, and so very infected right now. It hurts now more than it did three months ago. It hurts more knowing how far there is to go. It hurts knowing that this is reality. It hurts knowing that you rejected me. It hurts knowing that I was not enough. That you wanted (and had) other things. That you threw it all away. Gave it all up the first time you ever decided that you would have something else. Gave it all up over and over and over and over and over and over again. Over and over and over.

I try to let it go. I try to move forward, yet there it is. Always. It lurks in the shadows, it haunts me in my sleep. It finds its way into my most sacred thoughts. It ruins good days and keeps away happy moments. It's overwhelming and I'm not sure you realize to what extent.

I'm sorry that I have bad days on end. I'm sorry sometimes I can't manage a giggle or a smile. I'm sorry that the things that used to make me laugh only make me sad or angry now. I'm sorry that now you are here and trying I am off somewhere in my head living a different life. Lost with all of this hurt and anguish. Lost in my own misery. Lost with no direction on how to get back. I'm sorry I'm not the wife that you once knew. I'm sorry that in her place is a sad, lonely, depressed, anxious mess of a wife. I'm sorry that I have very little (if anything) to offer and I'm even more sorry that I cannot tell you when I will have anything more. I'm sorry that I have no place left to internalize my thoughts and feelings yet at the same time I hold back because I'm unable to express what I really feel. I'm sorry things that should be important don't even matter to me. I'm sorry that I'm not coping well with life right now.

I'm still hanging on though, as tough as it may be. I'm still fighting though I'm weak.

I love you,
Me

255 days. He told me that I have no reason to be sorry and that he is determined to fight harder than ever now. He told me that everything that fell onto infertile ground is still there and that the ground is fertile now. That it was not for nothing. It was a good night of healing.