Day 78: Getting ready to ring in the New Year. We're at home. Babies are asleep. Just another day.
This year held so much good. So much more good than bad. God blessing us with another healthy baby is at the top of a very long list.
Dreaming of Hawaii. Dreaming of going back. Dreaming of holding on to the dreams of our future. Dreaming of making this life all that we want it to be.
So I say to you, Hau'oli Makahiki Hou.
287 days. It's looking bittersweet to let go of this year.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
The Box of Hope
Day 77: For Christmas I gave him a box of rocks. Yes, a box of rocks.
It is our little box of hope, even though he says that word does not quite fit, and I agree.
On each of the rocks I wrote a word. Here is the list.
I later realized I left out believe and forgive but I can always go back and add those since I saved some blank rocks.
I gave him his gift on Christmas Eve and he made it so much more amazing than I ever imagined. He went through and read each rock and put it in his lap. Then he went back through each one of them and commented. A few examples.
He made what I was hoping to be something thoughtful into an amazing gift for both of us. As he went through each one, I just listened. I hardly spoke. He really gave me something wonderful that night. Another piece of me healed that night.
288 days. Hope.
It is our little box of hope, even though he says that word does not quite fit, and I agree.
On each of the rocks I wrote a word. Here is the list.
- FAITH
- WHOLE
- STRENGTH
- TRUST
- GENTLE
- LORD
- PURE
- CHOOSE
- DEEP
- HOPE
- FOREVER
- KIND
- HEART
- BLESSED
- ONLY
- TRUTH
- YOU
- CHERISH
- HONEST
- TRUE
- PATIENCE
- PROMISE
- LOVE
- TOGETHER
- ONE
- ALWAYS
- HONOR
- PEACE
- ADORE
- JOY
- REAL
- GOD
- SAFE
I later realized I left out believe and forgive but I can always go back and add those since I saved some blank rocks.
I gave him his gift on Christmas Eve and he made it so much more amazing than I ever imagined. He went through and read each rock and put it in his lap. Then he went back through each one of them and commented. A few examples.
- HONOR - This is what I want, he said. This is how I want to live my life.
- SAFE - You are safe with me now. I know you don't feel like it yet, but you are.
- BLESSED - I am this.
He made what I was hoping to be something thoughtful into an amazing gift for both of us. As he went through each one, I just listened. I hardly spoke. He really gave me something wonderful that night. Another piece of me healed that night.
288 days. Hope.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
If Tomorrow Never Comes
Day 76: He keeps telling me that he wants to make me happy. That he wants to be everything that I need him to be. That he doesn't want me to be sad (but he will be here to comfort me for as long as I am, even if it is forever).
I keep saying that I don't know what I want but today when I woke up and thought that a back rub would be nice I told him. Considering that it relaxed me, put me (and him!) in a good mood, and set me up for a better day, I'd say that it was a great idea to tell him what I wanted. Sometimes I feel guilty for asking for things like that but I think I will keep it up and see what becomes of it.
Later in the day, after he had left for work, we found out (finally) that the insurance company is going to total out our van and cut us a check. Car shopping, again. I hate it but am hoping to find the perfect car for our family. I know that God will provide.
So while I was stressing thinking about what we have to do in the next coming weeks and how it was probably going to put me in a bad mood because of the pressure I started thinking about how I need to live for today. Live in the moment.
I am living a new life. A life I did not want or ask for. A life that I would give back if I could. A life that has changed me and hurt me. A life that promises a better tomorrow. A life that I have to accept.
This life is all I have now and it is up to me to make the most of it. I thought, again, about the fact that TODAY is all I have. I cannot live life waiting for tomorrow to be better. What if tomorrow never comes? So I will love him with all of me TODAY. I will enjoy those babies of mine more TODAY. I will do my best to smile and laugh and heal. TODAY is all that I have.
The song "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks is how I am feeling. If tomorrow never comes, will they know how much I love them?
I am in a better place today. I know that it may not stay this way but I cling to days like this.
In thinking about the past few weeks and how they set me up for a huge emotional downfall, I also realized that they kind of reset me. I have been having much better days with my babies this week. We have done a craft or activity every night. My patience with them seems to be coming back. I feel like I am really, really getting more out of our days than I have been for awhile. If a few steps back, in regards to my emotional well being, is a trade off for patience and enjoyment with those babies of mine I will take it. They are growing so fast. I don't want to miss it. I want to savor it and relish in it. This has always been one of my strong suits and I am happy to see that it is returning. I need it. It makes me feel good. I say that I was born to be a wife and a mother. I really feel that it is true. I want to fulfill those roles that I love with passion and excitement.
Yep, this is the roller coaster they speak of. Yesterday I was a mess. Today I feel like I could be a motivational speaker.
I want to note:
I have this incredible friend. She reached out to me after reading my blog and always has the most incredible words for me. She sends me emails a few times a week and they always hit the mark.
289 days. TODAY.
I keep saying that I don't know what I want but today when I woke up and thought that a back rub would be nice I told him. Considering that it relaxed me, put me (and him!) in a good mood, and set me up for a better day, I'd say that it was a great idea to tell him what I wanted. Sometimes I feel guilty for asking for things like that but I think I will keep it up and see what becomes of it.
Later in the day, after he had left for work, we found out (finally) that the insurance company is going to total out our van and cut us a check. Car shopping, again. I hate it but am hoping to find the perfect car for our family. I know that God will provide.
So while I was stressing thinking about what we have to do in the next coming weeks and how it was probably going to put me in a bad mood because of the pressure I started thinking about how I need to live for today. Live in the moment.
Boast not thyself of to morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth. Proverbs 27:1We are not promised tomorrow. All we have is today. I want to make today count. I want to know that I did my best to love my God, love my husband, love my babies and love myself.
I am living a new life. A life I did not want or ask for. A life that I would give back if I could. A life that has changed me and hurt me. A life that promises a better tomorrow. A life that I have to accept.
This life is all I have now and it is up to me to make the most of it. I thought, again, about the fact that TODAY is all I have. I cannot live life waiting for tomorrow to be better. What if tomorrow never comes? So I will love him with all of me TODAY. I will enjoy those babies of mine more TODAY. I will do my best to smile and laugh and heal. TODAY is all that I have.
The song "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks is how I am feeling. If tomorrow never comes, will they know how much I love them?
I am in a better place today. I know that it may not stay this way but I cling to days like this.
In thinking about the past few weeks and how they set me up for a huge emotional downfall, I also realized that they kind of reset me. I have been having much better days with my babies this week. We have done a craft or activity every night. My patience with them seems to be coming back. I feel like I am really, really getting more out of our days than I have been for awhile. If a few steps back, in regards to my emotional well being, is a trade off for patience and enjoyment with those babies of mine I will take it. They are growing so fast. I don't want to miss it. I want to savor it and relish in it. This has always been one of my strong suits and I am happy to see that it is returning. I need it. It makes me feel good. I say that I was born to be a wife and a mother. I really feel that it is true. I want to fulfill those roles that I love with passion and excitement.
Yep, this is the roller coaster they speak of. Yesterday I was a mess. Today I feel like I could be a motivational speaker.
I want to note:
I have this incredible friend. She reached out to me after reading my blog and always has the most incredible words for me. She sends me emails a few times a week and they always hit the mark.
289 days. TODAY.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Where did I go?
Day 75: Feeling overtaken by the pain again. I can't remember the last time I cried (really cried) with him but I sure could use a good one.
My heart is hurting. I can feel the ache, physically. It's like things have settled down and now with nothing else on my mind this hurt is all that I can feel. I lost touch with myself over the last few weeks and with so many people around I let myself slip into fake mode for a bit too long. Now I have to figure out how to dig my way back out without an emotional disaster of feeling it all over again.
I feel like a shell of a person walking around this week. My mind feels numb, my heart aches. Where have I gone? Is this where I will stay? I hate feeling numb. I'd rather be all over the map than feeling like this. This scares me. This is NOT me. This is someone else. This is a person that is hurt and scared and lonely.
I seem to be watching myself go through the motions. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. Looking in on a stranger. Someone that has no passion. Has no love. Has no life.
THIS IS NOT ME.
I want me back. Where did I go?
I miss me.
I miss my life.
I miss the man that I married.
He has been here. He has been doing so much right. He has been giving so much to me.
I still miss him though. I miss that love that I had. The blind trust. The innocent love. The irreplaceable feeling. The security. The confidence. The dreams.
I have a new man. I have a better(?) man. I have a working-on-being a whole man but I miss the old man that I (thought) I had.
I miss it all. I want to go back.
290 days. Sad.
My heart is hurting. I can feel the ache, physically. It's like things have settled down and now with nothing else on my mind this hurt is all that I can feel. I lost touch with myself over the last few weeks and with so many people around I let myself slip into fake mode for a bit too long. Now I have to figure out how to dig my way back out without an emotional disaster of feeling it all over again.
I feel like a shell of a person walking around this week. My mind feels numb, my heart aches. Where have I gone? Is this where I will stay? I hate feeling numb. I'd rather be all over the map than feeling like this. This scares me. This is NOT me. This is someone else. This is a person that is hurt and scared and lonely.
I seem to be watching myself go through the motions. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. Looking in on a stranger. Someone that has no passion. Has no love. Has no life.
THIS IS NOT ME.
I want me back. Where did I go?
I miss me.
I miss my life.
I miss the man that I married.
He has been here. He has been doing so much right. He has been giving so much to me.
I still miss him though. I miss that love that I had. The blind trust. The innocent love. The irreplaceable feeling. The security. The confidence. The dreams.
I have a new man. I have a better(?) man. I have a working-on-being a whole man but I miss the old man that I (thought) I had.
I miss it all. I want to go back.
290 days. Sad.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Christmas
Day 72: Saturday. Christmas. We woke up and got nowhere fast. It was nice. This is probably the last year that we will be "allowed" to sleep in and mosey around once we get up.
We had breakfast, and then lunch, and then I made a birthday cake for Jesus.
We didn't even open gifts until around 3:00pm. The babies loved everything they got. They are such amazing little people. So grateful. We have done a good job, if I do say so myself.
My husband, more than once, wrapped me in his arms and told me that he loved me and that he was so thankful for us being together.
I remember after we put the babies to bed I told my husband how much I had enjoyed the day. Normally a laid back, do nothing type of day makes me anxious and leaves me unsatisfied. This day was different though. This day was good for my soul.
I'm saving what I got him for another day.
Day 73: Yesterday was another mellow day. We had company coming over in the evening so we slowly got the house cleaned up -- again!
Yesterday was also full of big hugs and thank yous and I'm sorrys. He gets it. He sees it. He shows me.
We had a great night with our family. Opened gifts, had dinner, played a game together. Lots of fun and laughter.
What a wonderful weekend that we spent celebrating the birth of Jesus and the forgiveness that He has given to us all.
Day 74: Today feels strange. After so much activity over the weekend it was numbing to wake up and have nothing to do. I have nothing to sew, nothing to bake, nothing to wrap. I felt so lonely as soon as my husband left for work.
I really enjoyed this Christmas but I am relieved that it is over. I feel like I can buckle down and start working on me (and our family) again. I need to get things around the house in a bit more order and start a new routine.
The baby is three months old today, I have been cleared since my surgery, and it's time. Time to focus on us. Time to redirect our energy.
I really think my husband is ready for this new chapter. This new year. It means nothing really. Just another boost for a fresh start.
A friend sent me the link to the song Lead Me by Sanctus Real and I sent it to my husband. He listened to it and said that it is perfect. That this is exactly what he is striving for. It really hit me hard. This is exactly what I want.
I want a man of God who puts Him first and then our family. I remember in premarital counseling when our pastor told us that marriage is like a triangle with God at the top and us the other two points. The closer we draw to God the closer we get to one another.
I feel like for years I was grasping for our marriage to be Christ-centered. For our life to be Christ-centered. It seemed like we lived a lot of it but I see now that my husband was so broken that whatever he was trying to do was not enough to rid him of the poison in his soul that was robbing him of the joy that we find in the Lord.
I feel lonely tonight. I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel like I need to be near my husband and just rest in his embrace. I feel far from him right now. I feel a need that I am not sure can met. I feel very broken again tonight. I feel replaceable and insecure.
I feel hope though. It's not a great hope that makes me smile but it is a hope that reassures me that I will find my way back out of this pit.
291 days. Lead us.
We had breakfast, and then lunch, and then I made a birthday cake for Jesus.
We didn't even open gifts until around 3:00pm. The babies loved everything they got. They are such amazing little people. So grateful. We have done a good job, if I do say so myself.
My husband, more than once, wrapped me in his arms and told me that he loved me and that he was so thankful for us being together.
I remember after we put the babies to bed I told my husband how much I had enjoyed the day. Normally a laid back, do nothing type of day makes me anxious and leaves me unsatisfied. This day was different though. This day was good for my soul.
I'm saving what I got him for another day.
Day 73: Yesterday was another mellow day. We had company coming over in the evening so we slowly got the house cleaned up -- again!
Yesterday was also full of big hugs and thank yous and I'm sorrys. He gets it. He sees it. He shows me.
We had a great night with our family. Opened gifts, had dinner, played a game together. Lots of fun and laughter.
What a wonderful weekend that we spent celebrating the birth of Jesus and the forgiveness that He has given to us all.
Day 74: Today feels strange. After so much activity over the weekend it was numbing to wake up and have nothing to do. I have nothing to sew, nothing to bake, nothing to wrap. I felt so lonely as soon as my husband left for work.
I really enjoyed this Christmas but I am relieved that it is over. I feel like I can buckle down and start working on me (and our family) again. I need to get things around the house in a bit more order and start a new routine.
The baby is three months old today, I have been cleared since my surgery, and it's time. Time to focus on us. Time to redirect our energy.
I really think my husband is ready for this new chapter. This new year. It means nothing really. Just another boost for a fresh start.
A friend sent me the link to the song Lead Me by Sanctus Real and I sent it to my husband. He listened to it and said that it is perfect. That this is exactly what he is striving for. It really hit me hard. This is exactly what I want.
I want a man of God who puts Him first and then our family. I remember in premarital counseling when our pastor told us that marriage is like a triangle with God at the top and us the other two points. The closer we draw to God the closer we get to one another.
I feel like for years I was grasping for our marriage to be Christ-centered. For our life to be Christ-centered. It seemed like we lived a lot of it but I see now that my husband was so broken that whatever he was trying to do was not enough to rid him of the poison in his soul that was robbing him of the joy that we find in the Lord.
I feel lonely tonight. I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel like I need to be near my husband and just rest in his embrace. I feel far from him right now. I feel a need that I am not sure can met. I feel very broken again tonight. I feel replaceable and insecure.
I feel hope though. It's not a great hope that makes me smile but it is a hope that reassures me that I will find my way back out of this pit.
291 days. Lead us.
Friday, December 24, 2010
The Festivities Begin
Day 71:
Blogging throughout the day.
9:35 - In my apron...ready to bake.
12:05 : 4 batches of goodies...biscotti, Christmas candy, & peanut butter cup cookie. Mmmmmm.
12:15 - Still need to clean the house and finish one last scarf. Time is ticking down. Feeding the baby. Looking at my beautiful babies. Praising the Lord for this Christmas together as a family.
12:30 - He just came in with my Christmas present. He got my ring fixed. I didn't even realize that he had taken it out of my jewelry box. Never a more PERFECT gift!
1:00 -Guests start arriving early. My house is still a mess and there are still baked goods cooling! Ah well.
2:00 - The festivities begin as everyone else arrives.
4:00 - I turned to hug my husband after everyone else had settled into the other end of the house...it all hit me. The realization that we could have been having Christmas apart this year. Everything. The flood of emotions overwhelmed me and brought me to tears. He held me and whispered into my ear. He's sorry. He loves me. He is so happy that we are together...today and always.
6:45 - The house is cleared out.
7:00 - More guests...different guests start arriving.
8:15 - I can't stop staring at my ring. There it rests in its place. There it twinkles unnoticed by most.
9:00 - The kids crash after a long but fun day.
10:00 - Our guests leave after a peaceful evening.
11:00 - The food is all put away. There is paper and gifts everywhere. There are a few things still to be wrapped for tomorrow.
11:30 - The house is quiet. I sit here and write and watch my husband out of the corner of my eye. Sit here and hold back tears as I think about (again) what this Christmas could have been like. I sit here and have never been more excited for Christmas morning.
Tomorrow will be a calm day. A quiet day. No guests. Just us. Our family. Just the 3 gifts that we got (mostly handmade) for our babies. We will celebrate the birth of our Lord. We will celebrate our family. It will be another day of our new life. It will be another day of love.
294 days. ..."because there was no room for them in the inn." Luke 2:7
Blogging throughout the day.
9:35 - In my apron...ready to bake.
12:05 : 4 batches of goodies...biscotti, Christmas candy, & peanut butter cup cookie. Mmmmmm.
12:15 - Still need to clean the house and finish one last scarf. Time is ticking down. Feeding the baby. Looking at my beautiful babies. Praising the Lord for this Christmas together as a family.
12:30 - He just came in with my Christmas present. He got my ring fixed. I didn't even realize that he had taken it out of my jewelry box. Never a more PERFECT gift!
1:00 -Guests start arriving early. My house is still a mess and there are still baked goods cooling! Ah well.
2:00 - The festivities begin as everyone else arrives.
4:00 - I turned to hug my husband after everyone else had settled into the other end of the house...it all hit me. The realization that we could have been having Christmas apart this year. Everything. The flood of emotions overwhelmed me and brought me to tears. He held me and whispered into my ear. He's sorry. He loves me. He is so happy that we are together...today and always.
6:45 - The house is cleared out.
7:00 - More guests...different guests start arriving.
8:15 - I can't stop staring at my ring. There it rests in its place. There it twinkles unnoticed by most.
9:00 - The kids crash after a long but fun day.
10:00 - Our guests leave after a peaceful evening.
11:00 - The food is all put away. There is paper and gifts everywhere. There are a few things still to be wrapped for tomorrow.
11:30 - The house is quiet. I sit here and write and watch my husband out of the corner of my eye. Sit here and hold back tears as I think about (again) what this Christmas could have been like. I sit here and have never been more excited for Christmas morning.
Tomorrow will be a calm day. A quiet day. No guests. Just us. Our family. Just the 3 gifts that we got (mostly handmade) for our babies. We will celebrate the birth of our Lord. We will celebrate our family. It will be another day of our new life. It will be another day of love.
294 days. ..."because there was no room for them in the inn." Luke 2:7
Thursday, December 23, 2010
For Unto Us...
Day 70: It's the most wonderful time of the year.
Hoping for the very most Merriest Christmas.
I am in good spirits and hoping to carry them through this weekend.
295 days. For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6
Hoping for the very most Merriest Christmas.
I am in good spirits and hoping to carry them through this weekend.
295 days. For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
A Real Elf
Day 69: Christmas is almost here. I am getting excited even though I am so tired. My husband told me a few days ago that I am like a real elf. I have been sewing and crafting almost everyday since Thanksgiving. I tell myself every year that I am going to start earlier, plan better, not keep adding to my to do list...but here I am again. I think I will be pulling an all nighter tomorrow! I'm too old for this! Ha!
Last year I remember so much of these days leading up to Christmas. I sat beside my husband every night and crocheted while he cheered me on. Tonight he said again that it's like a marathon and he is at the finish line cheering me on, ready to drag me across the finish line, by one ankle, if he has to! I hope it doesn't come to that but I am amused at his enthusiasm!
So I was sewing (painstakingly handsewed a project together while entertaining 2 babies only to turn it over and realize that the duck head was upside down!) and wrapping gifts today and thinking about how blessed I am.
I am so blessed as a mother.
I am so blessed as a wife.
I am so blessed as a child of God.
It was another incredible year. I feel like it will always be the "worst year" of my life (well at this point I'm hoping that it is anyways) but I am sad to see it go as well. I feel like looking back is a way for me to hold onto what is good and to see what we can have again so it will be saying goodbye to a lot of things that we will never have again.
The new year will bring a lot of opportunity though and I am planning to make the most of it.
Today as I was on the way to the store I turned on the radio and the song Someday By Rob Thomas came on. It is a song that I have listened to quite a few times since finding out. I turned it up really loud (I was by myself) and just bawled my eyes out. I really felt like I needed that this morning. I needed to let go of some of the anxiety that has been building.
I feel better today than I have for awhile and, though it is not lost on me that it could change in an instant, I am going to try to enjoy it tonight and have a nice night with my husband.
296 days. We'll be better off...someday.
Last year I remember so much of these days leading up to Christmas. I sat beside my husband every night and crocheted while he cheered me on. Tonight he said again that it's like a marathon and he is at the finish line cheering me on, ready to drag me across the finish line, by one ankle, if he has to! I hope it doesn't come to that but I am amused at his enthusiasm!
So I was sewing (painstakingly handsewed a project together while entertaining 2 babies only to turn it over and realize that the duck head was upside down!) and wrapping gifts today and thinking about how blessed I am.
I am so blessed as a mother.
I am so blessed as a wife.
I am so blessed as a child of God.
It was another incredible year. I feel like it will always be the "worst year" of my life (well at this point I'm hoping that it is anyways) but I am sad to see it go as well. I feel like looking back is a way for me to hold onto what is good and to see what we can have again so it will be saying goodbye to a lot of things that we will never have again.
The new year will bring a lot of opportunity though and I am planning to make the most of it.
Today as I was on the way to the store I turned on the radio and the song Someday By Rob Thomas came on. It is a song that I have listened to quite a few times since finding out. I turned it up really loud (I was by myself) and just bawled my eyes out. I really felt like I needed that this morning. I needed to let go of some of the anxiety that has been building.
I feel better today than I have for awhile and, though it is not lost on me that it could change in an instant, I am going to try to enjoy it tonight and have a nice night with my husband.
296 days. We'll be better off...someday.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Time
Day 68: Well today was the day. The day that, with the information that I have, I concluded was the day that he first started the affair with his coworker. The day that he decided to let her pleasure him.
HURTS.
I woke from a terrible dream and it set my mood but I was fighting it. I got out of bed and not too long after he mentioned that it was the first day of winter -- which made me think of the date -- and it HIT me. I was trying to not let it get to me but it did. It really took the wind out of my sails.
He asked me later what was bothering me and I told him. He said that, in no way, was he trying to minimize my pain, but that this day really holds no significance. That it is just another day that him and I are working on together. It's true, and I know that he meant for it to comfort me so I tried to let it, but I still felt like I was already behind the eight ball at that point.
I need a good day. I feel like I have had a long string of mediocre days in a row and it is REALLY getting to me.
I think I will go for a drive tomorrow. Looks like our car is going to be totaled out but an incredibly generous member of our family has loaned us a car to borrow until we have everything straightened out. It will not hold our whole family but at least we can now run to the grocery store if we need to. What a blessing.
So, I think I will go for a drive tomorrow morning and try to clear my head a bit. Maybe some retail therapy. Oh and reschedule a massage. I really need one.
I was thinking about all that was almost lost today, all that he almost threw away. How he almost sacrificed a good life. A whole life. A full life. One with good love. Honest love. Deep love. Love that doesn't give up when things are hard. Love that forgives.
I think that we had this before and I think that we still have it now. I think that my worst days with him are still better than my best days without him. I feel like I still have the love for him that I had before my day of heartbreak. I feel like we can still be amazing together.
I am praying for a breakthrough out of this phase. I am praying for the wisdom to know what we need from each other and the ability to communicate that to one another.
I think that he is still in this with all of his heart. I feel like he is still trying to do whatever it is that I need from him. I think that we need some time together. Some uninterrupted time.
Time. That is what this takes.
297 days. TIME. Never knew how much I could dislike a word.
HURTS.
I woke from a terrible dream and it set my mood but I was fighting it. I got out of bed and not too long after he mentioned that it was the first day of winter -- which made me think of the date -- and it HIT me. I was trying to not let it get to me but it did. It really took the wind out of my sails.
He asked me later what was bothering me and I told him. He said that, in no way, was he trying to minimize my pain, but that this day really holds no significance. That it is just another day that him and I are working on together. It's true, and I know that he meant for it to comfort me so I tried to let it, but I still felt like I was already behind the eight ball at that point.
I need a good day. I feel like I have had a long string of mediocre days in a row and it is REALLY getting to me.
I think I will go for a drive tomorrow. Looks like our car is going to be totaled out but an incredibly generous member of our family has loaned us a car to borrow until we have everything straightened out. It will not hold our whole family but at least we can now run to the grocery store if we need to. What a blessing.
So, I think I will go for a drive tomorrow morning and try to clear my head a bit. Maybe some retail therapy. Oh and reschedule a massage. I really need one.
I was thinking about all that was almost lost today, all that he almost threw away. How he almost sacrificed a good life. A whole life. A full life. One with good love. Honest love. Deep love. Love that doesn't give up when things are hard. Love that forgives.
I think that we had this before and I think that we still have it now. I think that my worst days with him are still better than my best days without him. I feel like I still have the love for him that I had before my day of heartbreak. I feel like we can still be amazing together.
I am praying for a breakthrough out of this phase. I am praying for the wisdom to know what we need from each other and the ability to communicate that to one another.
I think that he is still in this with all of his heart. I feel like he is still trying to do whatever it is that I need from him. I think that we need some time together. Some uninterrupted time.
Time. That is what this takes.
297 days. TIME. Never knew how much I could dislike a word.
"I want to always be a positive."
Day 65: Saturday. I had been anticipating this day for awhile. 300 days left, then 299. For me it seemed like how it feels when you are losing weight and you hit a milestone number. It was all in my head though.
I voiced to my husband about what day it was and, though it stung a little bit, he put it into perspective. He said that there is nothing waiting for us at the end of this year. At the end of these 365 days. It's true and it made me a little sad inside.
I hope that when we get to that day that I can at least look back and see that he has been true to his word. That he has grown a lot. That we have a stronger marriage. That I am his first priority. That he is a better man because he has searched and worked to overcome his demons. That he has forgiven himself. That he feels loved and forgiven. That I am back to a place where I can trust him. That I feel loved and cherished. That most of my pieces are back where they once were. That we are still moving forward with hope.
But...I know that we will also have to look back and see what we have lost. What he gave away. What he nearly threw away. What I have become because of this. How my heart hurts now. The dreams that we had that will never come true.
Noteworthy: I was fiddling with my wedding/engagement band and felt something rough. I looked down to see that one (of the seven) diamonds is loose and had just about fallen out. I am over the moon that I did not lose the stone but I am SO sad that I will be without a ring (they are all three -- engagement, wedding, anniversary -- soldered together) until we can get it fixed. Considering we have a deductible to pay and have to replace 3 car seats, I am not sure when it will get to the top of the priority list. -sad-
Day 66: Sunday. We had wonderful family come and watch our two older babies and we went out and finished Christmas shopping. I was hoping that it was going to be more fun and exciting than it turned out to be.
I think there were a few contributing factors -- I felt rushed because our help ended up arriving 2 hours late and I still wanted to get home at a reasonable hour to feed everyone dinner so I was trying to be efficient by sending him to do something in the store while I was doing something else. I was also just in a funk from the last week -- it was a taxing week, though I didn't quite realize how taxing until yesterday. He seems to be missing the mark with me, though he says he is still trying just as hard as he has been. Also, he seemed totally into what we were doing, totally in a decent mood, but maybe in the same kind of funk that I was in. We normally can have fun doing nothing so it was surprising that this was a dud.
I have been trying to communicate my feelings to him and I am either doing a really poor job or he is hearing me but not really doing anything to try to fix it.* I don't know. I am frustrated. The weekend held some really poor moments between the two of us and I told him. Nothing major -- no meltdowns. Just everyday things that are hurtful to me, us and our marriage.
He has been really hard on me about things that I am doing. It hurts. It hurts so much because I believe that he is changing. I believe that he is here now. I believe that he REALLY wants things to be great between us. I believe all of the wonderful things that he says to me. I believe that he hurts when I hurt. I believe it all. I believe that he is living an honest, transparent, open life with me now (and based on all proof he is doing everything he should be doing -- going to work, dropping by the grocery store...) BUT I am still very raw, very sensitive (hyper-sensitive, if you will), and on the edge of sadness and insecurity at any given moment.
*I was chatting with him while I was writing my blog and he put into words what I was feeling but not effectively communicating to him.
I say something.
He responds and it hurts my feelings.
I tell him that and he gets defensive because he was "just responding".
I say "it's not WHAT you said, it's HOW you said it."
He gets frustrated.
I get frustrated.
Rinse and repeat.
We were just chatting about the last week (again) and how it had been hard on me and why and yadda, yadda and he said, "I want to always be a positive."
THAT IS IT!
It's not that I can't handle him telling me that he doesn't want chicken for dinner, it's that I can't handle feeling like it was the worst idea that he's heard all week. (And maybe that's an exaggeration on my part, but that's how it feels sometimes.)
Day 67: Today...well today I had a lot to rant about but it was all related to the same thing and I feel like we may be able to tackle it now. I feel like having a face-palm moment over not being able to say how I was feeling for all this time. Doh!
He did have to go into work two hours early today which made for a long day but I made it. Seriously, though, on a Monday? Mondays are hard enough.
In light of feeling like we will have some good conversation tonight I am in a much better mood than I have been since early last week. He asked me earlier what he could come home and help me with (I have so much left to make for Christmas gifts) and that THRILLED me. I wanted him to ask me so badly but didn't push it. He also told me that I "rock". When I asked him why he said, "Because you're still with me, you aren't giving up on me, your love for me is real and you prove it over and over and over." I have never doubted that he "got it" from the beginning but it is reassuring to know that he has not forgotten.
298 days. Still happy to see thin number start with a 2, even if it doesn't really mean anything more than we are a few more days away from the awful night.
I voiced to my husband about what day it was and, though it stung a little bit, he put it into perspective. He said that there is nothing waiting for us at the end of this year. At the end of these 365 days. It's true and it made me a little sad inside.
I hope that when we get to that day that I can at least look back and see that he has been true to his word. That he has grown a lot. That we have a stronger marriage. That I am his first priority. That he is a better man because he has searched and worked to overcome his demons. That he has forgiven himself. That he feels loved and forgiven. That I am back to a place where I can trust him. That I feel loved and cherished. That most of my pieces are back where they once were. That we are still moving forward with hope.
But...I know that we will also have to look back and see what we have lost. What he gave away. What he nearly threw away. What I have become because of this. How my heart hurts now. The dreams that we had that will never come true.
Noteworthy: I was fiddling with my wedding/engagement band and felt something rough. I looked down to see that one (of the seven) diamonds is loose and had just about fallen out. I am over the moon that I did not lose the stone but I am SO sad that I will be without a ring (they are all three -- engagement, wedding, anniversary -- soldered together) until we can get it fixed. Considering we have a deductible to pay and have to replace 3 car seats, I am not sure when it will get to the top of the priority list. -sad-
Day 66: Sunday. We had wonderful family come and watch our two older babies and we went out and finished Christmas shopping. I was hoping that it was going to be more fun and exciting than it turned out to be.
I think there were a few contributing factors -- I felt rushed because our help ended up arriving 2 hours late and I still wanted to get home at a reasonable hour to feed everyone dinner so I was trying to be efficient by sending him to do something in the store while I was doing something else. I was also just in a funk from the last week -- it was a taxing week, though I didn't quite realize how taxing until yesterday. He seems to be missing the mark with me, though he says he is still trying just as hard as he has been. Also, he seemed totally into what we were doing, totally in a decent mood, but maybe in the same kind of funk that I was in. We normally can have fun doing nothing so it was surprising that this was a dud.
I have been trying to communicate my feelings to him and I am either doing a really poor job or he is hearing me but not really doing anything to try to fix it.* I don't know. I am frustrated. The weekend held some really poor moments between the two of us and I told him. Nothing major -- no meltdowns. Just everyday things that are hurtful to me, us and our marriage.
He has been really hard on me about things that I am doing. It hurts. It hurts so much because I believe that he is changing. I believe that he is here now. I believe that he REALLY wants things to be great between us. I believe all of the wonderful things that he says to me. I believe that he hurts when I hurt. I believe it all. I believe that he is living an honest, transparent, open life with me now (and based on all proof he is doing everything he should be doing -- going to work, dropping by the grocery store...) BUT I am still very raw, very sensitive (hyper-sensitive, if you will), and on the edge of sadness and insecurity at any given moment.
*I was chatting with him while I was writing my blog and he put into words what I was feeling but not effectively communicating to him.
I say something.
He responds and it hurts my feelings.
I tell him that and he gets defensive because he was "just responding".
I say "it's not WHAT you said, it's HOW you said it."
He gets frustrated.
I get frustrated.
Rinse and repeat.
We were just chatting about the last week (again) and how it had been hard on me and why and yadda, yadda and he said, "I want to always be a positive."
THAT IS IT!
It's not that I can't handle him telling me that he doesn't want chicken for dinner, it's that I can't handle feeling like it was the worst idea that he's heard all week. (And maybe that's an exaggeration on my part, but that's how it feels sometimes.)
Day 67: Today...well today I had a lot to rant about but it was all related to the same thing and I feel like we may be able to tackle it now. I feel like having a face-palm moment over not being able to say how I was feeling for all this time. Doh!
He did have to go into work two hours early today which made for a long day but I made it. Seriously, though, on a Monday? Mondays are hard enough.
In light of feeling like we will have some good conversation tonight I am in a much better mood than I have been since early last week. He asked me earlier what he could come home and help me with (I have so much left to make for Christmas gifts) and that THRILLED me. I wanted him to ask me so badly but didn't push it. He also told me that I "rock". When I asked him why he said, "Because you're still with me, you aren't giving up on me, your love for me is real and you prove it over and over and over." I have never doubted that he "got it" from the beginning but it is reassuring to know that he has not forgotten.
298 days. Still happy to see thin number start with a 2, even if it doesn't really mean anything more than we are a few more days away from the awful night.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Sick and Tired
Day 64: I am sick. Sick, sick, sick. I was sick the same time last year. We almost didn't come home for Christmas but in the end I packed us all up and made it happen. Little did I know that I was pregnant AND he had cheated on me that week with a co-worker that I knew (and maybe a prostitute too). -cry and barf-
Ugh, it hurts to write those things but I guess I just needed to get them out.
I have been struggling the last few nights to really feel anything. I'm fighting the urge, even tonight, to just stuff it down. Stuff, stuff, stuff and not deal with it. I know that it gets me nowhere though which leads to more blah days.
We had a few hurdles this week in our healing. I got upset about something (unrelated to the affairs) and he did not take it well. He takes it so personally when I get mad. I tried to brush it off but it just bombarded our whole evening. He ended up saying that he does not know how to react when I get angry. He says that I get mean. (Maybe I do, but I don't think that is always the case.)
I think sometimes that he gets off too easily because I am quick to consider his feelings. Why, you ask? Because I love him. I never stopped loving him and I won't just spout off now because he's hurt me. I don't think that I protect his feelings but I certainly keep them in mind when I have something to say.
I can count on one hand the times that I have gotten mad since I found out about the affairs and each time he has pretty much reacted the same way. I told him that I am not sure that we are going to make it if I hit an angry stage (which, according to everything I've read, is coming sooner or later). I say that because I am not sure that he could handle me being angry for days. I am not angry by nature so I think it throws him off. He is confident that he will change it. His reaction. That he will learn how to respond in a healthy way. I guess only time will tell if he really works on it. He needs to do it not only for me, but really for him.
So, despite my hopefulness, this week has been challenging.
I've also been struggling with feeling like he wants me. As in, wants ME. He does so much right but there is just something missing in this chapter that we have gotten to. I can't even tell you what it is that is missing (so I can't tell him) but I am just feeling replaceable again.
I wonder if I will always struggle with this feeling since he, in some ways, did replace me. Ugh, it hurts. I want to be the only one. I want to go back and start over. I don't want to live with this anymore.
301 days. Not giving up...just may sleep the whole weekend though.
Ugh, it hurts to write those things but I guess I just needed to get them out.
I have been struggling the last few nights to really feel anything. I'm fighting the urge, even tonight, to just stuff it down. Stuff, stuff, stuff and not deal with it. I know that it gets me nowhere though which leads to more blah days.
We had a few hurdles this week in our healing. I got upset about something (unrelated to the affairs) and he did not take it well. He takes it so personally when I get mad. I tried to brush it off but it just bombarded our whole evening. He ended up saying that he does not know how to react when I get angry. He says that I get mean. (Maybe I do, but I don't think that is always the case.)
I think sometimes that he gets off too easily because I am quick to consider his feelings. Why, you ask? Because I love him. I never stopped loving him and I won't just spout off now because he's hurt me. I don't think that I protect his feelings but I certainly keep them in mind when I have something to say.
I can count on one hand the times that I have gotten mad since I found out about the affairs and each time he has pretty much reacted the same way. I told him that I am not sure that we are going to make it if I hit an angry stage (which, according to everything I've read, is coming sooner or later). I say that because I am not sure that he could handle me being angry for days. I am not angry by nature so I think it throws him off. He is confident that he will change it. His reaction. That he will learn how to respond in a healthy way. I guess only time will tell if he really works on it. He needs to do it not only for me, but really for him.
So, despite my hopefulness, this week has been challenging.
I've also been struggling with feeling like he wants me. As in, wants ME. He does so much right but there is just something missing in this chapter that we have gotten to. I can't even tell you what it is that is missing (so I can't tell him) but I am just feeling replaceable again.
I wonder if I will always struggle with this feeling since he, in some ways, did replace me. Ugh, it hurts. I want to be the only one. I want to go back and start over. I don't want to live with this anymore.
301 days. Not giving up...just may sleep the whole weekend though.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
A Night Off
Day 63: I'm tired today. It's been a long week. I need a break. So much in my head but none of it is wanting to come out. Think I'll take a night off and do something mindless.
302 days. Hoping for a better tomorrow.
302 days. Hoping for a better tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Two Months Ago...I Can
Day 62: It's been two months.
Two months ago my world fell apart.
Two months ago I was sitting here as content as can be.
Two months ago my dreams ended.
Two months ago I didn't know who I was, where I was going, or which way was up.
Two months ago started the beginning of my nightmare and ended my husband's.
Two months ago my baby was 18 days old.
Two months ago I was confident and secure.
Two months ago my heart felt safe with my husband.
Two months ago I felt safe in his arms.
Two months ago was supposed to be a relaxing Friday night.
Two months ago I thought I'd rather not wake up the next morning.
Two months ago was the day a piece of me died.
Two months ago was the saddest day of my life.
Two months ago was the worst day of my life.
Two months ago is a day that I will never forget.
Two months ago.
Two months ago.
We have come a long way in two months. I still cannot say that I am happy but I do have happy moments, sometimes even happy days. I still feel like there will always be a part of me that is sad no matter how much I heal. I still feel like I will long for the life that I dreamed of. I still feel like I will mourn the loss of the dreams that were shattered that night. I still think that there will always be a part of me that hurts and has pain. I feel like making this life work is, in some ways, settling for second best. Well, it is. This is not what I wanted.
I'm still here though and I am not giving up. My husband has been amazing since that night. He tells me that he was sitting in a parking lot, not far from home, for hours while he was deciding to come clean. It still baffles me that I had NO idea. NO flippin' clue that he had ever been unfaithful to me. NO suspicions. NOTHING. How did I miss it all?
Does it really matter?
If I would have suspected he would have only lied and then the months (maybe years) of even more destruction would have begun. I'm not sure that our marriage could have handled that (but who knows, I would have never thought that it could handle this).
Those early days were some of the very worst of my life. I have never grieved like I did in those days. I have never had that kind of pain. I can still remember forcing myself to stop crying because I felt like my head was going to explode. I can still remember the way that my heart felt like it was, literally, being ripped from my chest. Oh, the pain. The agony.
I still find myself in that place some days. Weeping in my husband's arms as I let go of more of the pain. Letting go so that more of me can heal. I hate those days. I hate that I have to feel this pain over and over and over again but this is the only way. This is the only way to find happiness again.
I still struggle with the WHY? Why did he do this? Why is he "here" now? Why does he care now? Why the hard work now when it is on the brink? Why the effort now when I need rebuilt? Why did he not think about the consequences? Why was he so careless and reckless? WHY? WHY? WHY?
He's given me answers but they'll never be enough to make my heart understand. I have accepted that but I still ask WHY?
Two months ago I became a different person. I began to think that that person was going to be cold and bitter and nothing like the old me. Two months later, today, I see a lot of the old me and only a bit of the new broken me.
I can still love and love with all of me.
I can be vulnerable.
I can love like I have never been hurt before.
I can forgive.
I can wrap my arms around my husband and make him feel safe.
I can look at him and still see the man that I have always loved.
I can look forward and see hope and happiness.
I can be strong when I need to be and come undone knowing he'll be here to hold me.
I can go forward knowing that love is not lost.
I can be me.
I can heal.
I can breathe.
I can do this.
We can do this.
303 days. We are doing this.
Two months ago my world fell apart.
Two months ago I was sitting here as content as can be.
Two months ago my dreams ended.
Two months ago I didn't know who I was, where I was going, or which way was up.
Two months ago started the beginning of my nightmare and ended my husband's.
Two months ago my baby was 18 days old.
Two months ago I was confident and secure.
Two months ago my heart felt safe with my husband.
Two months ago I felt safe in his arms.
Two months ago was supposed to be a relaxing Friday night.
Two months ago I thought I'd rather not wake up the next morning.
Two months ago was the day a piece of me died.
Two months ago was the saddest day of my life.
Two months ago was the worst day of my life.
Two months ago is a day that I will never forget.
Two months ago.
Two months ago.
We have come a long way in two months. I still cannot say that I am happy but I do have happy moments, sometimes even happy days. I still feel like there will always be a part of me that is sad no matter how much I heal. I still feel like I will long for the life that I dreamed of. I still feel like I will mourn the loss of the dreams that were shattered that night. I still think that there will always be a part of me that hurts and has pain. I feel like making this life work is, in some ways, settling for second best. Well, it is. This is not what I wanted.
I'm still here though and I am not giving up. My husband has been amazing since that night. He tells me that he was sitting in a parking lot, not far from home, for hours while he was deciding to come clean. It still baffles me that I had NO idea. NO flippin' clue that he had ever been unfaithful to me. NO suspicions. NOTHING. How did I miss it all?
Does it really matter?
If I would have suspected he would have only lied and then the months (maybe years) of even more destruction would have begun. I'm not sure that our marriage could have handled that (but who knows, I would have never thought that it could handle this).
Those early days were some of the very worst of my life. I have never grieved like I did in those days. I have never had that kind of pain. I can still remember forcing myself to stop crying because I felt like my head was going to explode. I can still remember the way that my heart felt like it was, literally, being ripped from my chest. Oh, the pain. The agony.
I still find myself in that place some days. Weeping in my husband's arms as I let go of more of the pain. Letting go so that more of me can heal. I hate those days. I hate that I have to feel this pain over and over and over again but this is the only way. This is the only way to find happiness again.
I still struggle with the WHY? Why did he do this? Why is he "here" now? Why does he care now? Why the hard work now when it is on the brink? Why the effort now when I need rebuilt? Why did he not think about the consequences? Why was he so careless and reckless? WHY? WHY? WHY?
He's given me answers but they'll never be enough to make my heart understand. I have accepted that but I still ask WHY?
Two months ago I became a different person. I began to think that that person was going to be cold and bitter and nothing like the old me. Two months later, today, I see a lot of the old me and only a bit of the new broken me.
I can still love and love with all of me.
I can be vulnerable.
I can love like I have never been hurt before.
I can forgive.
I can wrap my arms around my husband and make him feel safe.
I can look at him and still see the man that I have always loved.
I can look forward and see hope and happiness.
I can be strong when I need to be and come undone knowing he'll be here to hold me.
I can go forward knowing that love is not lost.
I can be me.
I can heal.
I can breathe.
I can do this.
We can do this.
303 days. We are doing this.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
*If You Only Knew *
Day 61:
Written on Day 27 (11.10.10)
------------------------------------------
If You Only Knew
If you only knew what you had
If you only knew who I am
You say that you're sorry that you're late
Well I am too
You missed out on so much
If you only knew what you were trading
If you only knew what we had
You say that you'd take it all back
Well I would too
You gave a part of me away too
If you only knew where it'd all lead
If you only knew how it would hurt
You say that it meant nothing
Well I did too
You injured your one true love
If you only knew my heart
If you only felt my love
You say that you'll make it right
Well I hope so
You have so much to gain
-------------------------------------
304 days. He is making it right.
Written on Day 27 (11.10.10)
------------------------------------------
If You Only Knew
If you only knew what you had
If you only knew who I am
You say that you're sorry that you're late
Well I am too
You missed out on so much
If you only knew what you were trading
If you only knew what we had
You say that you'd take it all back
Well I would too
You gave a part of me away too
If you only knew where it'd all lead
If you only knew how it would hurt
You say that it meant nothing
Well I did too
You injured your one true love
If you only knew my heart
If you only felt my love
You say that you'll make it right
Well I hope so
You have so much to gain
-------------------------------------
304 days. He is making it right.
Monday, December 13, 2010
The One
Day 58: Saturday. It was a celebration of sorts. It was the day, 7 years ago, that he told me that he loved me. It was an incredible day in my life that I will never forget.
He told me a few days ago, that it was the best thing that he ever did -- telling me that he loved me. It started our life together.
While we were driving on Saturday, he reached over and grabbed my hand and said that he loved me. The way that he said it took me right back to that night.
I really feel his love again. I feel like he is here, maybe for the first time since we were married. I'm so, so, so very sad over what we have lost but so hopeful for what we have to gain. I really love this man that I married. He is incredible in so many ways.
I have always been in love with him but I feel like these days I am back to a place where I am constantly falling in love with him over and over again.
It is a good place to be.
Day 59: Sunday. We had a fun weekend with two family dinners. When we went to bed last night we were disappointed with how fast it had gone and how busy it had been, though. We made up for it as best as we could by snuggling and making (really great) love!
He makes me feel really amazing.
Day 60: My husband was reading some things today about an unfaithful husband who doesn't quite know what triggers his wife. He looked at me and told me that he knows. He knows what triggers me and when I trigger. I am pretty sure that he not only knows the subjects that do it but maybe even the look that seems like I still cannot hide when it happens. Either way, I am glad that he makes it a point to be there for me when it happens. Whether it's a hug or an arm around my waist, he never lets me go through it alone.
Today was a pretty simple day. Got up, relaxed, I moaned about the five inches of snow that fell overnight and who knows how much more is to come, we did a few chores around the house and then my husband left for work.
He usually calls me when he gets to work but today he called me on his way. We were talking and then suddenly he said, "The car is sideways. I'm gonna crash. I'm gonna crash." and then I heard that awful sound of crushing metal. I went into shock for a second and then asked if he was ok (he was talking to me on an ear piece) and he replied that he was. It is all a bit foggy and drawn out but other than some whiplash (and a bruised ego) I think he is ok. I cannot tell you how relieved I was after I knew he was ok. It was the worst feeling for that split second not knowing. It brings tears to my eyes.
God is good.
Our van needs work, we have to replace carseats, and there are deductibles to pay but, ya know, it's just money. Money that we are not dying with anyways. I won't lie, I'm bummed that we will be strapped for Christmas, since I had planned to buy him something kind of expensive, but it's ok. I will get my creative juices flowing and find some great to make him.
He seems to be taking it a lot harder than I am. Every time I talked to him today he sounded really depressed. I feel terrible. I am hoping that I can cheer him up tonight. I think this is a bit more than he can handle right now, considering that he is already dealing with his mistakes.
Perhaps, I'll give him a back rub. It's been a long time since I've done that for him.
Today made me think about how we really get through this. How we have always gotten through everything. How we have the strength to fight for our marriage. How we will allocate the money to cover the added expenses. How we still find beauty in our marriage after all of this heartache. How we will look back in time and see this accident as a blip on our radar. How we still find laughter in our home in spite of all of the sadness. How, no matter what it is, we always find a way. How we still have each other. How we still have love.
It is because of our God. Our Savior. Our Comforter and Provider. He always picks us back up. He always brushes us off and gives us the courage to keep going. He is the One who gets us through. He is the One that gives us our strength.
He always gets us through. He always will.
305 days. Lord there is none like You.
He told me a few days ago, that it was the best thing that he ever did -- telling me that he loved me. It started our life together.
While we were driving on Saturday, he reached over and grabbed my hand and said that he loved me. The way that he said it took me right back to that night.
I really feel his love again. I feel like he is here, maybe for the first time since we were married. I'm so, so, so very sad over what we have lost but so hopeful for what we have to gain. I really love this man that I married. He is incredible in so many ways.
I have always been in love with him but I feel like these days I am back to a place where I am constantly falling in love with him over and over again.
It is a good place to be.
Day 59: Sunday. We had a fun weekend with two family dinners. When we went to bed last night we were disappointed with how fast it had gone and how busy it had been, though. We made up for it as best as we could by snuggling and making (really great) love!
He makes me feel really amazing.
Day 60: My husband was reading some things today about an unfaithful husband who doesn't quite know what triggers his wife. He looked at me and told me that he knows. He knows what triggers me and when I trigger. I am pretty sure that he not only knows the subjects that do it but maybe even the look that seems like I still cannot hide when it happens. Either way, I am glad that he makes it a point to be there for me when it happens. Whether it's a hug or an arm around my waist, he never lets me go through it alone.
Today was a pretty simple day. Got up, relaxed, I moaned about the five inches of snow that fell overnight and who knows how much more is to come, we did a few chores around the house and then my husband left for work.
He usually calls me when he gets to work but today he called me on his way. We were talking and then suddenly he said, "The car is sideways. I'm gonna crash. I'm gonna crash." and then I heard that awful sound of crushing metal. I went into shock for a second and then asked if he was ok (he was talking to me on an ear piece) and he replied that he was. It is all a bit foggy and drawn out but other than some whiplash (and a bruised ego) I think he is ok. I cannot tell you how relieved I was after I knew he was ok. It was the worst feeling for that split second not knowing. It brings tears to my eyes.
God is good.
Our van needs work, we have to replace carseats, and there are deductibles to pay but, ya know, it's just money. Money that we are not dying with anyways. I won't lie, I'm bummed that we will be strapped for Christmas, since I had planned to buy him something kind of expensive, but it's ok. I will get my creative juices flowing and find some great to make him.
He seems to be taking it a lot harder than I am. Every time I talked to him today he sounded really depressed. I feel terrible. I am hoping that I can cheer him up tonight. I think this is a bit more than he can handle right now, considering that he is already dealing with his mistakes.
Perhaps, I'll give him a back rub. It's been a long time since I've done that for him.
Today made me think about how we really get through this. How we have always gotten through everything. How we have the strength to fight for our marriage. How we will allocate the money to cover the added expenses. How we still find beauty in our marriage after all of this heartache. How we will look back in time and see this accident as a blip on our radar. How we still find laughter in our home in spite of all of the sadness. How, no matter what it is, we always find a way. How we still have each other. How we still have love.
It is because of our God. Our Savior. Our Comforter and Provider. He always picks us back up. He always brushes us off and gives us the courage to keep going. He is the One who gets us through. He is the One that gives us our strength.
He always gets us through. He always will.
305 days. Lord there is none like You.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Progress
Day 57: If you would have asked me 8 weeks ago, I would have, with absolution, said that I would be GONE if my husband had an affair. An hour from now though (plus 8 weeks) and suddenly I had NO idea what to do. Stay? Why? Go? Why? Why? Why?
I think that we are in a much better place than we were shortly after he told me. We have good days now and I think I may actually even be laughing a bit more these days. I still have so many fears and doubts. There are so many questions that will never have the right answers. (Why? being one of them.)
We have been working hard though. Every question that I ask is given an answer (a real answer). Sometimes he even asks me if I have more questions (and sometimes I do).
A thin scab has formed over my wound and, though it would still easily tear right back open, it is not quite as raw as it was before. The pain is still immense. The sadness endless. We are making it though.
One of the hardest parts of this stage of healing is having to go into the pain to get out of the pain. It's like picking your own scab sometimes. Just putting a bandaid over the wound and never going back to check on it would only be asking for an infection. Sometimes I need to rip that bandaid off to be sure that the poison is still making its way out and that hurts.
I know that I am making progress though. I used to listen to the song Broken by Lifehouse over and over and over again and just weep. Today I was listening to it and I felt like there were so many lines that I now "get" that I didn't before. I remember when I first listened to it...I had NO idea what "healing" felt like. I only knew what a "broken heart still beating" felt like. I only knew what "barely holding on" meant. Now I feel like I will "be okay". I feel like there is so much more of me that is functioning now than there was in those first few weeks.
I was remembering day 3. I think it was the worst day for me. The worst day that I will always carry in my heart. I was crying in the kitchen and I felt like I would collapse but my babies were in the other room and I just couldn't, COULDN'T, let them walk in there and see their mama laying on the floor barely breathing. I held on that day. I held on to every ounce of strength in me and stood there. I stood strong when there was nothing left to hold me up. I found my courage that day. I became what I needed that day, though I didn't realize it at the time.
So much has happened in the last 8 weeks. So much more than I am ever able to put into words. We still have so far to go, but again I have hope. I have an amazing husband full of remorse and love. He is putting at least as much effort into our healing as I am. He is open with me and quick to correct his faults. He still (I still, we still) have a long way to go but I feel like we are really going to be okay.
I feel like we are a team again. Like nothing can stop us. I always thought we were invincible and I am starting to believe that again.
308 days. I think I found US again.
I think that we are in a much better place than we were shortly after he told me. We have good days now and I think I may actually even be laughing a bit more these days. I still have so many fears and doubts. There are so many questions that will never have the right answers. (Why? being one of them.)
We have been working hard though. Every question that I ask is given an answer (a real answer). Sometimes he even asks me if I have more questions (and sometimes I do).
A thin scab has formed over my wound and, though it would still easily tear right back open, it is not quite as raw as it was before. The pain is still immense. The sadness endless. We are making it though.
One of the hardest parts of this stage of healing is having to go into the pain to get out of the pain. It's like picking your own scab sometimes. Just putting a bandaid over the wound and never going back to check on it would only be asking for an infection. Sometimes I need to rip that bandaid off to be sure that the poison is still making its way out and that hurts.
I know that I am making progress though. I used to listen to the song Broken by Lifehouse over and over and over again and just weep. Today I was listening to it and I felt like there were so many lines that I now "get" that I didn't before. I remember when I first listened to it...I had NO idea what "healing" felt like. I only knew what a "broken heart still beating" felt like. I only knew what "barely holding on" meant. Now I feel like I will "be okay". I feel like there is so much more of me that is functioning now than there was in those first few weeks.
I was remembering day 3. I think it was the worst day for me. The worst day that I will always carry in my heart. I was crying in the kitchen and I felt like I would collapse but my babies were in the other room and I just couldn't, COULDN'T, let them walk in there and see their mama laying on the floor barely breathing. I held on that day. I held on to every ounce of strength in me and stood there. I stood strong when there was nothing left to hold me up. I found my courage that day. I became what I needed that day, though I didn't realize it at the time.
So much has happened in the last 8 weeks. So much more than I am ever able to put into words. We still have so far to go, but again I have hope. I have an amazing husband full of remorse and love. He is putting at least as much effort into our healing as I am. He is open with me and quick to correct his faults. He still (I still, we still) have a long way to go but I feel like we are really going to be okay.
I feel like we are a team again. Like nothing can stop us. I always thought we were invincible and I am starting to believe that again.
308 days. I think I found US again.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
The Little Things
Day 56: I didn't think that the upcoming days were going to be difficult but they have been on my mind all evening. I know that the affair that he had with the one (of soooooooo many) woman who I actually knew started the week before Christmas. I also know it was the week that we got pregnant with our third baby. It is creeping in on me. The sadness, the fear, the doubts.
Maybe he will do something extra nice for me over the course of those three weeks to help me get through them a little easier. Maybe he will help carry me through. Maybe he can help me heal during those weeks instead of shattering some more.
He has been really great at keeping track of little things that I say so I have a lot of hope. There have been deliberate acts on his part to take advantage of the few opportunities that we have had to go out and have a little bit of time to ourselves. It makes me happy when it feels like he really wants to be with me. There have also been a few spontaneous gifts over the last few weeks and it warms me when he gives them to me. It makes me happy to know that he is listening when I mention things.
Just over the weekend I asked that if he were going to get me a Christmas gift that it be meaningful. A day or two after that he told me to call and make a massage appointment as part of my gift this year. I am really looking forward to knowing that the babies will be in good hands (second best only to mine!) so that I can go relax.
It's the big things that have been broken but it is the little things that now matter the most. The careful consideration when picking out a movie (it's unbelievable how many movies have affair/betrayal/infidelity related topics), the quiet I love yous, the tight and lingering hugs, the tender kisses, the delicacy in which he handles my heart now, the gentle manner in which he regards my feelings.
The thing I have been noticing a lot over the last week or two is the times at which he chooses to tell me that he is sorry. They have certainly been in the moments when I am hurting, but more of them have come as just a tiny whisper in my ear while I lay in bed at night. It is like he hears my silent cries at night and reaches out to me. Reaches out and breaks the fall just before my heart hits the ground again. Reaches out and picks up another little piece of me and puts it back in its place.
His I'm sorrys are not just those two words though. That is how they all start but they never end the same. They always include a follow up of some sort. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I caused this pain. I'm sorry that I put us here. I'm sorry that we have to deal with this. I'm sorry that this makes you have bad days.
It never feels generic. It never feels obligatory. It feels like he really means it. Like he really gets the pain that I have. If there truly is a silver lining to every dark cloud than this is part of mine.
309 days. The little things.
Maybe he will do something extra nice for me over the course of those three weeks to help me get through them a little easier. Maybe he will help carry me through. Maybe he can help me heal during those weeks instead of shattering some more.
He has been really great at keeping track of little things that I say so I have a lot of hope. There have been deliberate acts on his part to take advantage of the few opportunities that we have had to go out and have a little bit of time to ourselves. It makes me happy when it feels like he really wants to be with me. There have also been a few spontaneous gifts over the last few weeks and it warms me when he gives them to me. It makes me happy to know that he is listening when I mention things.
Just over the weekend I asked that if he were going to get me a Christmas gift that it be meaningful. A day or two after that he told me to call and make a massage appointment as part of my gift this year. I am really looking forward to knowing that the babies will be in good hands (second best only to mine!) so that I can go relax.
It's the big things that have been broken but it is the little things that now matter the most. The careful consideration when picking out a movie (it's unbelievable how many movies have affair/betrayal/infidelity related topics), the quiet I love yous, the tight and lingering hugs, the tender kisses, the delicacy in which he handles my heart now, the gentle manner in which he regards my feelings.
The thing I have been noticing a lot over the last week or two is the times at which he chooses to tell me that he is sorry. They have certainly been in the moments when I am hurting, but more of them have come as just a tiny whisper in my ear while I lay in bed at night. It is like he hears my silent cries at night and reaches out to me. Reaches out and breaks the fall just before my heart hits the ground again. Reaches out and picks up another little piece of me and puts it back in its place.
His I'm sorrys are not just those two words though. That is how they all start but they never end the same. They always include a follow up of some sort. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I caused this pain. I'm sorry that I put us here. I'm sorry that we have to deal with this. I'm sorry that this makes you have bad days.
It never feels generic. It never feels obligatory. It feels like he really means it. Like he really gets the pain that I have. If there truly is a silver lining to every dark cloud than this is part of mine.
309 days. The little things.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Joy
Day 55: My husband was so great today. I have had a few blah days back to back. Today he kept wrapping me up in his arms (oh, how I love the way he does that!) and kissing me. I love it. I love when he does it even when I'm kinda fighting to get away because I'm in a poor mood. I love it when he does it when I am busy and doesn't quit. I love when he does it until I give in to him.
He has a way with me. He really does.
I haven't been thinking about the affairs much lately. Well, I should say that they have not been invading my every thought lately. I still think about them a lot but it is much more controlled than it used to be. It is not so encompassing that it swallows me up.
My husband has been a key factor in our healing. Just the other day he sent me this email.
It makes me sad that he is hurting. It brings me to tears knowing that I cannot make that pain go away. I can only pray that he lets me help him though. I pray that when I wrap my arms back around him that he knows that he is safe. That he always has been and always will be. That he is loved. That he is wanted. That I am giving all of me to him once again. That he made a mistake but there is more to him than that. That I still believe that "when God made {him} he must have been thinking about me". I pray that he has accepted my forgiveness and that one day (hopefully soon) that he will forgive himself.
My heart is still right now. My mind is at ease. My pieces are being put back together.
310 days. There is joy today.
He has a way with me. He really does.
I haven't been thinking about the affairs much lately. Well, I should say that they have not been invading my every thought lately. I still think about them a lot but it is much more controlled than it used to be. It is not so encompassing that it swallows me up.
My husband has been a key factor in our healing. Just the other day he sent me this email.
Hey,
I hope your day with the kids was good. It wasn't looking too promising when I left for work but if anyone can turn it around, I know you can. I just wanted to let you know that I caught up on your blog today (last post is from Friday as of right now) and I am glad I did. Your posts have a way of lifting my spirits. Even the sad ones are laced with an optimism that motivates me (even more than I already am) to keep chipping away at this 50 ft high, 6 ft thick wall that I have thrown up with my selfish decisions.
You are such an amazing woman. Words cannot describe the emotions that swirl within me when I think about what I have done to you. The mixture of anger and sadness makes me clench my fists and tighten all the muscles in my body. THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR! To know what I had all along and did not care makes me sick to my stomach and to know that we could be so much farther right now makes me shake my head.
But to know that you are still with me makes me smile. It makes me want to go out and pick up mountain and lift it over my head (but I won't for fear of a hernia). To know that I get another chance to be with this amazing woman makes me want to do everything I can to get us past this dark time and into the light so we can finally live that you did sign up for. I love you so much.
I know that it's not quite as easy as my few words in an email make it seem. I know that the task is huge but I don't care how seemingly insurmountable it is, I will keep chipping.
Your loving husband,
{The man that I love}
It makes me sad that he is hurting. It brings me to tears knowing that I cannot make that pain go away. I can only pray that he lets me help him though. I pray that when I wrap my arms back around him that he knows that he is safe. That he always has been and always will be. That he is loved. That he is wanted. That I am giving all of me to him once again. That he made a mistake but there is more to him than that. That I still believe that "when God made {him} he must have been thinking about me". I pray that he has accepted my forgiveness and that one day (hopefully soon) that he will forgive himself.
My heart is still right now. My mind is at ease. My pieces are being put back together.
310 days. There is joy today.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
*Hold Me Tight*
Written on Day 53 (12.6.10)
-----------------------------------------------
Hold Me Tight
I'm gonna understand this love
I'm gonna help to see it through
I'm gonna hang on tight when things get rough
It's just me and you
Remember when we were young
Everything seemed so easy
Remember when we were young
How simple it was to please me
I wanna feel safe again
I wanna find that place
I wanna see the love again
When I look at your face
You think we're gonna make it
I wanna believe it too
You think we'll be strong again
Just me and you
Hold me tight, don't let me go
I need to feel you near
Whisper softly, say it gently
Let you words fall on my ear
I'll never forget, but I forgive
To myself I'll be true
I'll love like I've never been hurt
This is my gift to you
-----------------------------------------------
Hold Me Tight
I'm gonna understand this love
I'm gonna help to see it through
I'm gonna hang on tight when things get rough
It's just me and you
Remember when we were young
Everything seemed so easy
Remember when we were young
How simple it was to please me
I wanna feel safe again
I wanna find that place
I wanna see the love again
When I look at your face
You think we're gonna make it
I wanna believe it too
You think we'll be strong again
Just me and you
Hold me tight, don't let me go
I need to feel you near
Whisper softly, say it gently
Let you words fall on my ear
I'll never forget, but I forgive
To myself I'll be true
I'll love like I've never been hurt
This is my gift to you
Monday, December 6, 2010
Healing
Day 51: Saturday. It was a long day. We went out early and did a bunch of shopping and then that evening we had a company dinner to attend. It was fun. We both got dressed up and went out together without any babies. (That was REALLY hard, especially leaving my 9 week old baby, but I did it for us.) We really enjoyed ourselves. We came home, relieved our wonderful babysitter(s!) and headed for bed.
I got in bed just to snuggle the baby (the other two were sound asleep) and he climbed onto the end of the bed and rubbed my feet. We sat there and talked for quite awhile and then we laid down and snuggled.
Snuggling turned into more and we made love for over an hour. It was incredible.
After all was said and done I was getting ready to climb back into bed but my husband took me and stood me in front of him. He very deliberately started naming parts of my body (toes, arms, belly, face...) and telling me why he loved that part of me until every last piece of me had been accounted for.
It was very hard to stand there at first. Very awkward for me. I have not been the same since finding out about the affairs. Where a once, very secure and confident woman stood, now stands a shaken and wondering version of me. A version that needs to hear that I am enough. That I am lovely. That I am fulfilling. That I am perfect just the way that I am. That I am wanted. I need that now more than ever.
But...I stood there and I endured it. I stood there and I made myself step outside of my comfort zone. I stood there and I soaked in what he said. I stood there and let myself be vulnerable. I let him shower me with kind words. I let him "in". I let him give to me.
That night, we healed some more.
Day 52: Sunday. Yesterday we went out again. We had an impromptu Christmas celebration with some family that is going out of state for the holidays. We went to pick up a gift and then headed over.
When we left the gift shop and were headed to our family's house he turned on the game (on the radio). Just a few weekends ago the same thing had happened and he failed to engage me the entire car ride. It was a day that I was feeling particularly sad and I spent the whole car ride home staring out the window knowing that he did not even notice. I later said something to him about it and he apologized for it. When he turned it on I am pretty sure that it triggered that conversation from a few weeks back and he turned to me and asked me if I wanted him to turn it off. It made my heart so happy to know that actually meant it. That if I said "yes" that he would have turned it off and not grumbled. I told him that it was fine with me if he listened to it until I was done counting the stitches on the crochet project that I was working on and he was fine with that.
When I finished counting there were only a few minutes left in the game (and it was tied) so I gladly let him finish listening to it. His team won in the last few seconds! Yay for happy endings!
The truth is though that I don't care if he listens to the radio (as much as I hate talk radio), it is that I HATE being ignored, unnoticed, and forgotten about. I think he gets that now because he was actually talking to me while he was listening (and despite the fact that I was counting -- he's well aware of what that means).
Dinner at our family's was nice. We were both exhausted and the babies needed tended to so we didn't have a lot of time to spend together but I get that. Actually just this weekend sometime I was telling him that I do not expect unrealistic things from him. I know that we have 3 small children. I know that they have needs and wants and that we cannot always just stop what we are doing to discuss something. (By the way, he was not griping that I ask too much from him, I was only clarifying for him that I do not have a feeling that he is failing at this when our days get away from us.) I was also telling him that I do not expect him to be a "different" person.
Changed? Yes.
Improved? Yes.
Different? No.
I like him. I've always liked him. I don't want a new man. I want the same man with a better outlook and better decision making skills. I think that man is making his way into our home. The man that came home that night in October has a better heart. A clearer mind. A fresh start. I really think that he is trying hard to make the very most of it and it makes me happy.
This man, my man, helped us heal some more this weekend.
Day 53. I read one of the saddest stories today. A story of a woman who went through more death and sadness in a brief time than anyone should have to ever go through. All the while her alcoholic husband was out living another life. Cheating and lying. She needed him more than ever and he was offering no support. My heart broke for this poor woman and then I got to the end of her story. They made it. Somehow she found a place in heart to give him another chance. Somehow he changed and gave himself back to his wife. Somehow they found love again and remarried each other on an anniversary.
It is seriously one of the saddest things that I have ever read and it put me in a somber mood, despite the happy ending. I kinda moped around all morning and my husband asked what was wrong. He hugged me after I told him about the story and then went and read it himself. It was too much to digest and we didn't really talk about it much but I think we were both feeling a bit derailed by it. By afternoon I was in a bit of a funk and told him that I was sad. He told me that he was so sorry for how I was feeling.
I have noticed something lately. I have noticed that when he talks to me, especially when he is apologizing or telling me something deep, that he looks me right in the eyes. Almost like he is looking into me. It is an incredible feeling. It takes my breath away.
I have noticed something else. Every time he walks by me or up to me he reaches out to touch me. It makes me feel so loved. So noticed. So wanted.
I think that he has changed. I think that he was changed that night but had no idea what those changes were. I think we have a long way to go. I think it is going to still be hard but I think that his heart is here. I think that he has given himself back to me. Back to us.
312 days. We are healing.
I got in bed just to snuggle the baby (the other two were sound asleep) and he climbed onto the end of the bed and rubbed my feet. We sat there and talked for quite awhile and then we laid down and snuggled.
Snuggling turned into more and we made love for over an hour. It was incredible.
After all was said and done I was getting ready to climb back into bed but my husband took me and stood me in front of him. He very deliberately started naming parts of my body (toes, arms, belly, face...) and telling me why he loved that part of me until every last piece of me had been accounted for.
It was very hard to stand there at first. Very awkward for me. I have not been the same since finding out about the affairs. Where a once, very secure and confident woman stood, now stands a shaken and wondering version of me. A version that needs to hear that I am enough. That I am lovely. That I am fulfilling. That I am perfect just the way that I am. That I am wanted. I need that now more than ever.
But...I stood there and I endured it. I stood there and I made myself step outside of my comfort zone. I stood there and I soaked in what he said. I stood there and let myself be vulnerable. I let him shower me with kind words. I let him "in". I let him give to me.
That night, we healed some more.
Day 52: Sunday. Yesterday we went out again. We had an impromptu Christmas celebration with some family that is going out of state for the holidays. We went to pick up a gift and then headed over.
When we left the gift shop and were headed to our family's house he turned on the game (on the radio). Just a few weekends ago the same thing had happened and he failed to engage me the entire car ride. It was a day that I was feeling particularly sad and I spent the whole car ride home staring out the window knowing that he did not even notice. I later said something to him about it and he apologized for it. When he turned it on I am pretty sure that it triggered that conversation from a few weeks back and he turned to me and asked me if I wanted him to turn it off. It made my heart so happy to know that actually meant it. That if I said "yes" that he would have turned it off and not grumbled. I told him that it was fine with me if he listened to it until I was done counting the stitches on the crochet project that I was working on and he was fine with that.
When I finished counting there were only a few minutes left in the game (and it was tied) so I gladly let him finish listening to it. His team won in the last few seconds! Yay for happy endings!
The truth is though that I don't care if he listens to the radio (as much as I hate talk radio), it is that I HATE being ignored, unnoticed, and forgotten about. I think he gets that now because he was actually talking to me while he was listening (and despite the fact that I was counting -- he's well aware of what that means).
Dinner at our family's was nice. We were both exhausted and the babies needed tended to so we didn't have a lot of time to spend together but I get that. Actually just this weekend sometime I was telling him that I do not expect unrealistic things from him. I know that we have 3 small children. I know that they have needs and wants and that we cannot always just stop what we are doing to discuss something. (By the way, he was not griping that I ask too much from him, I was only clarifying for him that I do not have a feeling that he is failing at this when our days get away from us.) I was also telling him that I do not expect him to be a "different" person.
Changed? Yes.
Improved? Yes.
Different? No.
I like him. I've always liked him. I don't want a new man. I want the same man with a better outlook and better decision making skills. I think that man is making his way into our home. The man that came home that night in October has a better heart. A clearer mind. A fresh start. I really think that he is trying hard to make the very most of it and it makes me happy.
This man, my man, helped us heal some more this weekend.
Day 53. I read one of the saddest stories today. A story of a woman who went through more death and sadness in a brief time than anyone should have to ever go through. All the while her alcoholic husband was out living another life. Cheating and lying. She needed him more than ever and he was offering no support. My heart broke for this poor woman and then I got to the end of her story. They made it. Somehow she found a place in heart to give him another chance. Somehow he changed and gave himself back to his wife. Somehow they found love again and remarried each other on an anniversary.
It is seriously one of the saddest things that I have ever read and it put me in a somber mood, despite the happy ending. I kinda moped around all morning and my husband asked what was wrong. He hugged me after I told him about the story and then went and read it himself. It was too much to digest and we didn't really talk about it much but I think we were both feeling a bit derailed by it. By afternoon I was in a bit of a funk and told him that I was sad. He told me that he was so sorry for how I was feeling.
I have noticed something lately. I have noticed that when he talks to me, especially when he is apologizing or telling me something deep, that he looks me right in the eyes. Almost like he is looking into me. It is an incredible feeling. It takes my breath away.
I have noticed something else. Every time he walks by me or up to me he reaches out to touch me. It makes me feel so loved. So noticed. So wanted.
I think that he has changed. I think that he was changed that night but had no idea what those changes were. I think we have a long way to go. I think it is going to still be hard but I think that his heart is here. I think that he has given himself back to me. Back to us.
312 days. We are healing.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Looking Forward
Day 50: It's been 7 weeks. Feels like forever though.
I am still sad. Still going down on this roller coaster ride but today I am choosing to pull myself up a bit to catch my breath and I am going to look forward.
I have been struggling lately with spending quality time with my babies. It makes my heart ache when I realize another day has gone by and I haven't poured love into and over them. Oh, I love them. Goodness, how I love them, but I have been failing. I made up my mind last night though. I decided that I was going to have a GREAT day with them...so...40 paper snowflakes later (there are some on a different window)...and we had a great day together. (Yes, my hands hurt but it was so worth watching them unfold each of those snowflakes.)
Life right now is sad but good. My husband has been incredible to me since the night that he came clean. He told me last night that he always loved me but that he did not always appreciate me and wasn't grateful for me. Like so much, it hurts to hear but, it makes a lot of sense.
I asked him last night what life would be like if I never healed. If I was never "ok". He said that he would hold me every night while I cry until we are old. It is, in a very warped way, ...endearing, to say the least. He then went on to say, though, that he believes that I will heal. That I can and will get past this. I, too, believe that but in those moments when my heart feels like it is breaking again, just from the thought of what has happened, it is hard to see past this hurt.
I still wish that my husband would have come to appreciate me and be grateful for me, the way that he is now, without having to almost lose me. I think his perspective, the very thing that led him to make all of those terrible decisions, is what has his heart completely back in this. I think that is what is going to give us the ability to be happy again.
I think back to the day that he apologized to me for not being "here" for our whole marriage. It breaks my heart to know that so much of what I have with him was based on lies. It hurts that I was giving to him when he was not receiving. It hurts, BUT I am not giving up.
"You never changed" is something that he recently said to me and, though I feel like this HAS changed me in some ways, I agree that the core of me has not changed. I still love him. I still love us. I still want a happy future with him.
Our future looks brighter than ever (now that he is not living a lie) and, tonight, I am holding onto that. Tonight, I am going to hold onto hope. Hope of a better life together. Not because of the affairs but in spite of them.
315 days. Life isn’t a reminder of what we’ve lost… it’s a celebration of what we have to give.
I am still sad. Still going down on this roller coaster ride but today I am choosing to pull myself up a bit to catch my breath and I am going to look forward.
I have been struggling lately with spending quality time with my babies. It makes my heart ache when I realize another day has gone by and I haven't poured love into and over them. Oh, I love them. Goodness, how I love them, but I have been failing. I made up my mind last night though. I decided that I was going to have a GREAT day with them...so...40 paper snowflakes later (there are some on a different window)...and we had a great day together. (Yes, my hands hurt but it was so worth watching them unfold each of those snowflakes.)
Life right now is sad but good. My husband has been incredible to me since the night that he came clean. He told me last night that he always loved me but that he did not always appreciate me and wasn't grateful for me. Like so much, it hurts to hear but, it makes a lot of sense.
I asked him last night what life would be like if I never healed. If I was never "ok". He said that he would hold me every night while I cry until we are old. It is, in a very warped way, ...endearing, to say the least. He then went on to say, though, that he believes that I will heal. That I can and will get past this. I, too, believe that but in those moments when my heart feels like it is breaking again, just from the thought of what has happened, it is hard to see past this hurt.
I still wish that my husband would have come to appreciate me and be grateful for me, the way that he is now, without having to almost lose me. I think his perspective, the very thing that led him to make all of those terrible decisions, is what has his heart completely back in this. I think that is what is going to give us the ability to be happy again.
I think back to the day that he apologized to me for not being "here" for our whole marriage. It breaks my heart to know that so much of what I have with him was based on lies. It hurts that I was giving to him when he was not receiving. It hurts, BUT I am not giving up.
"You never changed" is something that he recently said to me and, though I feel like this HAS changed me in some ways, I agree that the core of me has not changed. I still love him. I still love us. I still want a happy future with him.
Our future looks brighter than ever (now that he is not living a lie) and, tonight, I am holding onto that. Tonight, I am going to hold onto hope. Hope of a better life together. Not because of the affairs but in spite of them.
315 days. Life isn’t a reminder of what we’ve lost… it’s a celebration of what we have to give.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
It HURTS
Day 49: I'm not ok tonight. In fact, I'm getting worse.
I don't know how to live with this pain. I don't know how to be ok anymore. I don't know how to look forward without all of this hurt. I didn't choose this for me but I have to some figure it all out. WHY???
I want off this roller coaster.
I just want to be who I used to be. My confident, secure, whole self. Where did that person go?
I feel like a shell walking around. I feel like someone else is living in my body. I hate this.
I don't even know what I need right now. A massage sounds nice, but only until the 60 minutes are over. A drive sounds nice, but I don't want to be alone. Shopping sounds fun, but I don't really know what to buy. A break...ahh that sounds heavenly but not practical. Oh, I need for this to be a nightmare! That's what I need. -sigh-
Can I learn to let some of this go? Or is that just a way of not dealing with it? Is the only way to deal with it to hold on to it until it doesn't hurt anymore? Will the hurt ever really go away? Will my heart ever be mended? I know that I can be happy again...that is up to me. I am worried about my heart though. That is where the hurt is. That is what is broken.
Can I live with a broken heart? How is that even possible? This is so consuming. This is torture.
I don't want to do this anymore. I want this all to go away. I want the pain and hurt and sorrow and anguish and sadness and emptiness to all go away. I want to be who I used to be. I want the husband that I thought I had back. I want the life that I thought I had back.
Why does he want me now? I am messed up and broken. I am not who he loved before.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I feel like I could implode from the pain. It HURTS.
316 days. Oh it hurts.
I don't know how to live with this pain. I don't know how to be ok anymore. I don't know how to look forward without all of this hurt. I didn't choose this for me but I have to some figure it all out. WHY???
I want off this roller coaster.
I just want to be who I used to be. My confident, secure, whole self. Where did that person go?
I feel like a shell walking around. I feel like someone else is living in my body. I hate this.
I don't even know what I need right now. A massage sounds nice, but only until the 60 minutes are over. A drive sounds nice, but I don't want to be alone. Shopping sounds fun, but I don't really know what to buy. A break...ahh that sounds heavenly but not practical. Oh, I need for this to be a nightmare! That's what I need. -sigh-
Can I learn to let some of this go? Or is that just a way of not dealing with it? Is the only way to deal with it to hold on to it until it doesn't hurt anymore? Will the hurt ever really go away? Will my heart ever be mended? I know that I can be happy again...that is up to me. I am worried about my heart though. That is where the hurt is. That is what is broken.
Can I live with a broken heart? How is that even possible? This is so consuming. This is torture.
I don't want to do this anymore. I want this all to go away. I want the pain and hurt and sorrow and anguish and sadness and emptiness to all go away. I want to be who I used to be. I want the husband that I thought I had back. I want the life that I thought I had back.
Why does he want me now? I am messed up and broken. I am not who he loved before.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I feel like I could implode from the pain. It HURTS.
316 days. Oh it hurts.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The Grip
Day 48: I am beginning to realize that I was in a lull for a bit. I think it was my mind (and body) taking a break from a lot of the pain that is still very much there. The last week has been one challenging day after another. We are closing in on the seven week mark and I feel like I have run out of steam. Now is the time in a race or a project where you draw from your reserves. I feel like mine are dry. -sigh-
I am struggling with how I should react. Part of me wants to put on a happy face and give myself another week or two until I deal with this again. The other part of me (I guess the piece of me that is still somewhat sane) knows that I don't have that option if I want to heal.
I WANT TO HEAL. I want to be free again. I want to smile again. I want to laugh again. I want to be happy again. I WANT IT!
This sadness is not the same as it was in the beginning. There was so much denial in the beginning. I still have moments when I have to ask myself if this really happened to us. If I am really awake. If this is real. For the most part, though, I am living in reality. And that hurts. This hurts. I wake up in the morning and look around and it hits me again. Again and again and again. I hate going to sleep because I know that means I have to wake up and face this for another day.
This life is hard. Much harder than it should be. I just want to run away to the land of love. Unfortunately, I have realized that that place only exists in my head though. In the dreams of the little girl still living in me.
I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't recognize myself. I don't know who this depressed person is. I am so broken. My heart is so broken.
This sadness that I have now is sadness that comes from the realization and acceptance that this is my life now. No matter what I do, where I go, or when I heal this is still going to be a part of me. This is never going away. I know I have to learn somehow to let go of this pain. I just don't know how.
There comes a point with sadness that I usually let go. I tell myself that I have held on long enough. That I have felt it and processed it. I have experienced the pain and I have accepted it and then I release myself from the grip of it.
The grip of this sadness is incredible. It is crushing me. It is changing who I am. It is hurting me.
Oh Lord, help me. I need to let go of some of this. I feel like it is ruining me.
317 days. Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand.
I am struggling with how I should react. Part of me wants to put on a happy face and give myself another week or two until I deal with this again. The other part of me (I guess the piece of me that is still somewhat sane) knows that I don't have that option if I want to heal.
I WANT TO HEAL. I want to be free again. I want to smile again. I want to laugh again. I want to be happy again. I WANT IT!
This sadness is not the same as it was in the beginning. There was so much denial in the beginning. I still have moments when I have to ask myself if this really happened to us. If I am really awake. If this is real. For the most part, though, I am living in reality. And that hurts. This hurts. I wake up in the morning and look around and it hits me again. Again and again and again. I hate going to sleep because I know that means I have to wake up and face this for another day.
This life is hard. Much harder than it should be. I just want to run away to the land of love. Unfortunately, I have realized that that place only exists in my head though. In the dreams of the little girl still living in me.
I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't recognize myself. I don't know who this depressed person is. I am so broken. My heart is so broken.
This sadness that I have now is sadness that comes from the realization and acceptance that this is my life now. No matter what I do, where I go, or when I heal this is still going to be a part of me. This is never going away. I know I have to learn somehow to let go of this pain. I just don't know how.
There comes a point with sadness that I usually let go. I tell myself that I have held on long enough. That I have felt it and processed it. I have experienced the pain and I have accepted it and then I release myself from the grip of it.
The grip of this sadness is incredible. It is crushing me. It is changing who I am. It is hurting me.
Oh Lord, help me. I need to let go of some of this. I feel like it is ruining me.
317 days. Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand.
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