Shattered.

Day 15: I am exhausted. After hours of crying we finally went to sleep some time around 4am. We got to the bottom of some things and for that I suppose it was worth it but the massive headache I woke up with, the swollen eyes and the 3 babies that need me make it very easy to say that I never want to do that again. Unfortunately, I feel like there are more nights like that in my future.

After giving me some more details about things last night, my husband admitted to holding back some information in efforts to save me more heartache but in the end, I made it clear that, it only hurts me more. I just want the WHOLE truth. None of this is easy, I know it's not easy for him, and it's not easy for me, but it's done and I want to know the answers to my questions.

Sadly as much as I want to know that none of this had anything to do with me, I was really feeling worthless last night. There were a few "encounters" that were directly related to him not being in a good place with me (in his mind) and those hurt the most. They make me feel like I have no value to him...worthless.

It hurts to know that the only person in my life who CHOSE me decided at one point that I was not good enough. Whether his reasoning was right or wrong doesn't matter. It is what he felt when he decided to let someone else in and I'm not sure how to process that. I always wanted to be his number one.

Last night I realized that I am broken and ruined and will never be the same.I may be happy again someday -- oh, I hope so -- but I cannot be the same as I was before. I feel like I was a stunning, rare, and richly adorned porcelain vase that was holding the most precious flowers within the opening of my heart and soul. I was whole in every way and my flaws were hidden so that only those who took a closer look could see. I only wanted to be loved and appreciated for what I was. There were many similar to me but none so perfect for the flowers that were made for me to care for. I had found my place in life and was more than happy doing what I was made to do. Then suddenly I was thrown to the floor and shattered into millions of pieces by the one that I depended on most to compliment me. Now I am at his hands to be rebuilt. I feel like I am worth fixing. He says he is up to the task. He says "no matter how long it takes" he will work to restore me. I think it may take a lifetime and even when every piece has been put back together the missing chips and the many cracks will still always be there. I pray that there are a handful of big pieces for him to get started on so that I can go on doing what I was made to do. Doing what I love to do. Loving on those who I was made for.

For now, though, I must carry on knowing that I will never be who I once was. I will never love the same. I will never let go the same. I will never feel the same. It's really a tragic love story when you know how much love I have to give. I have always loved my husband with all of me. To the very depths of my soul. I really hope that I get back there someday. Knowing that I am safe to love him with all of me. Knowing that my worst days with him are better than my best days without him.

I was telling him last night that it's so hard to look forward when I have no reference point to look back to. He has been lying to me since before we were married and that makes it really hard to figure out who I want him and need him to be for me. I question whether or not I really even know him or if I have just created who he "is" in my mind. Have I created a good husband and father or is that who he really is when he is with us? I really believe that that is the person that he really is when he is with us. It is so hard to make sense of it all.

Today rewarded us with a really special moment. I was baking this morning and he started to say something but, before he was even able to get a full word out, I knew he was pulling my leg (all in good fun!) and I cut him off to say that it wasn't true. He laughed about how he didn't even get a word out and I already knew what he was going to say...and, you know, it's true. I did know what he was going to say. He commented on how "well" I "know" him and, as soon as he said it, it hit me like a ton of bricks but before I could even really process my feelings he had me wrapped up in a big hug and was saying that "we have something", this is him, who he is, and that he loves me. That moment is probably one that I won't forget for a long time because that is the man that I know and love. The funny, caring, attentive husband and father. That is the man that I miss. That is the man that I want back. I want so badly to give into the love of this man that has been taking care of me for the last 2 weeks. I want so badly to let go and and let him have all of me back but I just don't know how right now. I'm just too scared still.

Learning how to fall is so much harder than falling without thinking. Can I do this?

350 days...Can I be rare, stunning and richly adorned once again?

Insecure

Day 14: This pain is unbelievable. To think that I was going to be over this in a year seems so foolish now. I have been reading so much and it appears that I will NEVER be over this. So what now? I still need a goal to work towards for a 1 year mark. How about, not go crazy? That sounds like a reasonable compromise, right?

UGH! I was reading through some stories today and they are depressing me. Seeing people who are 25 years out from finding out about their spouse cheating on them who still cry sometimes, who still suffer from things ruining their day, who still feel the pain "as if it were yesterday". I know that I need to read these things and to connect with people who have been there and done that. I guess it's better to know now that if in a year from now I am still hurting more often than I am not hurting that I am not the exception, but the rule.

There are so many sad thoughts constantly in my head now. Thoughts about how my marriage wasn't what I thought it was, how my husband was lying to me, how my life will NEVER be what I thought it would be. How we cannot go back. How I cannot have that pure and innocent love like I did before. Why do I feel like I was wrong to blindly love and trust my husband? Didn't I deserve to be able to do that? Oh, this sucks!

I want my old life back. I want to love freely and with all of me and not feel the need to protect myself. I don't think that is ever coming back though and somehow I have to learn to accept that. This is never going away. All I can do at this point is somehow learn to cope with it. Learn what to "let go" of and what is worth holding on to. I feel like I will never be able to let go of any of it but I think holding on to all of it is going to ruin me for good.

I already feel ruined to large degree. There are many areas but the one on my mind right now is how over the past few years I had really come to love and appreciate my body. There were things that I wasn't 100% happy about but my husband is wonderful about complimenting me and after carrying and birthing our babies he always made me feel wonderful. I had really grown attached to the stretchmarks that marked the spot where my babies had grown and had worked hard at accepting most of the other things that my body had to offer. Last year I worked to lose some extra weight and was making a conscious effort to looking good for my husband and most importantly not "letting myself go".  I did all of this without my husband ever mentioning one negative thing about me. I just knew that it was important that I stay connected to making him happy. It hurts now to know that that was when the bulk of his cheating was going on and it has left me feeling very insecure. Not only is my body not bouncing back after baby #3 quite as quickly as it had with #1 or #2 but now I feel like the stress is only going to make it harder.

I wonder if I will ever feel like it wasn't something about me that made him stray. I want to experience that vulnerability that comes with trusting my husband, again, I just don't know how. I want to feel good about myself again. Feel like I am beautiful to him. Feel like he loves my body.

351 days. Wonder what my goal should be...

One Day At A Time

Day 13:  Last night was one of the worst ones so far. I realized that there is no way to map this all out. There is no way to know what to expect next. This is hard to accept for a "planner" like me.

Crying is therapeutic for me. I want to get it out. I feel like I need to cleanse my body of this hurt but after almost 2 weeks of daily crying it's starting to cause physical pain. I am so tired from crying. I feel like I have to take a break sometimes just so that I can function to some degree of normalcy. But I cried and cried and cried last night as I laid in my husband's arms. And then I asked WHY?

Why wasn't he this concerned about me when he was off cheating our family? Why wasn't he this invested in us when our issues were small? Why is he so unselfish now...now that I am unhappy and broken?

It's so hard to accept that this man who is wonderful to me (and our babies) in so many ways is the one who has hurt me. It's hard to wrap my head around trying to lean on my best friend (we really were best friends, not dating  -- for 3 years -- before we got married) in this time of need when it was my best friend who broke me. It's hard needing, really needing, the person that betrayed me. But here I find myself needing and leaning on my wonderful, best friend who hurt me, broke me and betrayed me.

I need to say it again...can this all go away now? No. OK. Carry on, I must.

Today was one of my better days. I haven't cried today (well, I don't think I have). We took the babies out for lunch and had some time to talk about some more things. It's so easy to go out and pretend like everything is fine. I guess, maybe because that is how I really wish things still were. Wish we didn't have to take this with us everywhere for the rest of our lives. I wonder when it will ever really sink in and I will begin to accept this even though I really don't want to.

I am living with alot of despair right now. I want things to work but I also don't want to get better (be happy) because that means that I have to accept what has happened. I don't want to think about planning happy dates and going out together and having fun because that means I have to believe that it will never happen again. As of now, I still have a feeling that this is all temporary. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop so that I can really start over. -sigh- I don't want to feel this way, and I have been very honest with my husband about how I feel, but I do.

He knows that right now there is no amount of reassuring me or being open and forthcoming or consistent or any of those things that he has committed to doing to save our marriage, our life together, that is going to make me KNOW that this is never going to happen again. I hope that in time I can come to believe him but for now all I can do is hope that some day I will feel safe again. I will feel secure and whole and happy again. I will feel like I can breathe again. Until then, I have to just keep taking it one hour at a time, one day at a time.

352 days. One at a time.

A Fork In The Road

Day 12: Today was a bad day. I slept way too long and then could not get anyone motivated to do anything. UGH. I cannot afford days like today. They drain any progress from me that could have been made. I moped around most of the day and then bawled right before he left for work

I am trying to find the stages of grief surrounding infidelity but everything that I search only seems to pull up grief surrounding death and as much as this feels like a death -- death of dreams, death of fidelity, death of being the only one, death of life as I knew it, etc. -- I need a more precise outline of what I am going through and will go through.

I don't know what to do next. I know that I need a goal and maybe that is what we can work on tonight but honestly, I just want to quit. I don't feel up to this anymore. I don't feel like making any of these decisions about what I should do next. I want to just have days like I did before. We had our moments (for sure!) but to me it was all about growing and learning and figuring each other out. Sure, after 6 years of marriage, it seems like forever but compared to a lifelong together I feel like we were just getting started. Strange, since we have 3 babies of our own and were headed to forever together, but I really never saw anything but a happy future for us.

How do I go on? Things are the same...but SO different. I feel like I am going through the motions right now waiting to move on. But move on to what? The road I was on has ended and I have come to a fork in the road. None of my options look good though. They all appear to include sadness, emptiness, loneliness, brokenness, confusion, fear...WHY? Why do I have to choose? Why am I here at a fork in the road? This wasn't what I saw when I looked at the map almost 7 years ago when I accepted his marriage proposal. And now that I have chosen one fork it looks like I have a lot more forks in my future. The last way I chose to go was the one with the least regrets. I chose to stay and fight for us. Our life, our love, our future. I couldn't stand the thought of never knowing if things would have worked. I couldn't stand the thought of giving up on something that I feel is worth fighting for. I couldn't stand that thought of walking away from the one man that I have always loved. But now how do I chose the next road? I really don't know. I don't even know what I have to choose from but I feel like I have to make a choice.

Suddenly I feel lost and I am without a map.

353 days. Maybe tomorrow I will have found my way.

I believe in LOVE

Day 9: Saturday. Hmmm, what did we do? Oh yes, we had a family gathering. That was, er, interesting. I guess if anyone was paying attention to us they maybe would have noticed the HUGE bags under my eyes, though they would likely have blamed it on the fact that I have a newborn and not that I have been crying everyday for over a week now (with exception to last Tuesday). Fine by me. But, nope, no one noticed. No one notices anything. It is a great relief and feeling of sadness all at once.

It was another hard day. A lot of crying. A lot more questions. A lot more of the same.

Day 10: Sunday. I wanted so badly to get out of the house. I feel trapped here. Unable to really breathe sometimes. Like I am walking around in someone else's happy place because, well, this was my happy place until last Friday night. After getting most of the house cleaned --it was bad after a week of me doing next to nothing-- we did finally leave to buy some special groceries for dinner. That was one of those why-did-we-leave-the-house-trips. I forgot my wallet, which now has my debit card that my husband is almost always carrying, so he had to drive back home to get it while I waited with all 3 of the babies at the grocery store. That part wasn't that bad but it was just the total lack of efficiency that got to me. We are usually pretty on top of things. Can't say that our heads are totally clear right now.

More tears. When will they stop?

Day 11: Today. Has it really only been 11 days? It feels like my life has been shattered forever at this point. I am still really, REALLY, struggling. I just don't get it. I mean I look back and I see mistakes. I see hard times. I see miscommunication but I don't see this. Cheating. I don't see my otherwise loving and devoted husband as a cheater.

I've always been a lover even though, looking back, love has never really been that good to me.

This is all I've ever wanted in life. This. This life that I thought I had.

I married my best friend and so far we have 3 beautiful babies together. I never complain to anyone about my life...quite the opposite actually. When things are bad (like they are now) I hunker down and get through it without so much as a peep to anyone around me. It's just the way I am. I have never complained about my husband to anyone, never uttered an ill word about him, so to do it when things are rough and there is a chance of someone driving a (bigger) wedge between us is unthinkable. So unthinkable that starting this blog was a really difficult decision. But here I am, and will be for awhile.

Mondays are hard for me. They have always presented their own kind of difficulty after the weekend but now it seems so magnified. It means that I have to watch my husband drive off. It means that I have to be alone with my thoughts for hours. It means that I have to be everything that my babies need from me while I struggle with everything that is going on within.

I got through the day with very few tears but then I put the babies to bed and here I sit with way too much time to think and be alone. I have never loved this shift but it is worse than ever now. I sit here and I sob. I sit here and research how to survive this monster and I sob when it hits me what I am spending my time doing. I'd so much rather be looking through and editing old pictures. Or wasting time on some lame site that offers nothing but mindless entertainment. Or watching something completely useless. But I sit here and research and read and cry and try to grasp this reality. I just want it to go away. I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to spend my time with my husband trying to work through this. I want to spend our time doing other things, fun things, carefree things. Can't we go back? I want it ALL to go away. When will it go away? Oh wait, it won't. This is my life, my new life, and I hate it. I hate that this is a part of me. I hate that this will be a part of us if we make it. I hate that life could be good in spite of this instead of without this. I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I hate that I hate this.

Remember, I'm a lover. I've never hated life. Not like this anyway. Maybe moments in life but not life itself. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to die. I have so much to live for but really I don't want this. I don't want this to be a part of my life. I want to go back to the days when I was not sad. I was not broken. I was not confused.

I feel like I can be happy again, someday, but I don't know if I'll ever not be sad. I feel like this sadness will never go away. Like I will carry it with me forever. I don't want that but I don't know how to get rid of it.

My husband thinks we should work on a plan. Have goals. I think it is a wise idea. I need something to work towards. I feel like right now I have nowhere to go.

I believe in love. I always have. I think it is a beautiful and amazing thing. I won't stop believing now. I can't. I love my husband and those babies of mine too much to give up on it now.

354 days. I'm hurting.

Surprise Visit

Day 8: Last night was another rough one. I asked a lot of questions and got a lot of answers but it hurts. Hurts to ask and hurts to hear the truth. I don't think I cried myself to sleep but I honestly don't remember when I stopped crying.

This morning my husband let me sleep in which was so good for my quality of life today. A week ago right now I was sitting here, much like now, on the computer, killing time until he came home. Little did I know what was going to happen when he did. I still wish I could rewind and go back to the moments before my world fell apart. Wish that I could have that life back...but I can't. I never will have that life again. Never again not have the knowledge that I have now. Never again be blissfully unaware of this pain that is now a part of me.

Our day consisted of going for a drive just to enjoy the beauty of the fall. The leaves have all mostly turned and it is just a wonderful sight to see. Driving around has always been one of my favorite things. We always talk and enjoy being out of the house without having to chase any little ones around. Driving this last week though has meant more tears. More time to talk about our life and the mistakes that have been made. More time to reflect on what is going to become of us.

Today was no different. Lots of questions and answers and tears and sadness.

My husband did say something to me today that I am holding on to. After telling him how scared I am (for the umpteenth time) he said that he has no doubts. No doubts that we are going to make it. He also, in no uncertain terms, told me that he is ready to be everything that I need. He is ready to help me heal, no matter what it takes. He is ready to be who I deserve. It's not the first time he has said these things but for some reason today I think I may have actually let myself believe in those words a little bit.

He also told me that he never stopped loving me. I think it would be easier to understand all of this if he had. I just cannot wrap my head around hurting someone you love in this way. I want answers but he doesn't even have them. He says that he is determined to find out what caused all of his actions so that he can better help me get the answers that I need.

After he left for work and it was just the babies and me I got to work on being in a better mood today. Not crying in front of them and not raising my voice. We were cruising right along until my little man asked me when I was not going to be sad anymore. My resolve to not cry nearly went out the window but I know that he needs me to be strong (even though he doesn't realize it). I somehow managed to take a few deep breaths and choke back the tears that were about to spill out. I told him "in a little bit" and we moved on. I hate not being totally honest and telling him that I have no idea but he is too young to understand all of this and it really breaks my heart that he knows something is wrong.

We ended up having quite a good evening but both my little man and baby girl were more than ready to go to sleep over an hour before bedtime and my tiny new babe was also being fussy. So I decided it was a good night to put a movie on and for everybody to snuggle up on the couch.

Just as we were getting into the good part of the movie my husband came home for a surprise visit on his "lunch" break (more like dinner since he works second shift). It really was nice. That is the first time he has come home to see us for his break and it was really good for my spirits. I like these kind of surprises.

Overall I would say that today was a good day, relatively speaking. My pain is still at an excruciatingly high level and my heart still feels like it's been ripped from my chest but I have a tiny bit of real hope today. That, in and of itself, is scary because that means there is a tiny part of me that is starting to trust him again and that means that I risk being hurt again. I'd like to think that I believe it is worth it.

On Risk

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk being called sentimental.

To reach out to another is to risk involvement.

To expose your feelings is to risk showing your true self.

To place your ideas and dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naive.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying. 

To hope is to risk despair, and to try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live. Chained by his certitudes, he's a slave, he's forfeited his freedom. Only the person who risks is truly free.

I want to be free again. Free to be loved again. Free to feel joy and happiness again. Free to be me again.

What a scattered post. It is how my head feels these days. There is so much going on that I can hardly keep it straight. I feel like I have been living in a daze for the last week. Hopefully the weekend will help with some extra rest and some more time to spend with my beautiful family, including the husband of mine that I love.

357 days.

A Rainbow

Day 7: Last night was hard. Hard actually does not even begin to describe it. I had a rough evening and then by the time I was ready to go to sleep everything came rushing out. I was chatting with my husband online before he left for work and telling him how sad I was and this is the message that he sent over to me:

"You are amazing. Please stay comfortable until I get home. I will hold you and you can cry. I will hold you tight and you can grieve. I will hold you and we can heal."

And that's what I did last night. I stood in the bedroom door for a long time and just sobbed in his arms. Sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Then I went and got ready for bed, crawled into my spot, buried my face in my pillow and sobbed some more. He came in a wrapped me up in his arms and I wept until I could take a deep breath without it all overwhelming me again.

This is so hard. Will it ever get easier? Will it ever feel like my heart isn't bare? Will I ever be able to look in the mirror and not ask myself if everyone will notice that I have been crying?

I've been reading alot tonight. Trying to gather tips, advice, strength, hope, inspiration...anything to make me feel like this is the right decision. It is hard to read others putting your feelings into words when you feel like you cannot.

It is hard knowing that it will never be like it was before. I will never have that innocent love of being the only one. I will never be able to forget this. I cannot make this go away and oh, how I want to. I want to wake up and take a deep breath when I realize this is all a nightmare. I still find myself wondering if this is real. It can't be, can it?

From the looks of it I am 6 days into my Denial/Shock phase. Not wanting to believe it. How long will this last? How long can I do this?

Yeah, today sucks. I know that I am depressed. I want to sleep but know I will regret wasting the day. And besides, I have 3 small children, I can't just sleep all day long. I didn't eat dinner last night but I managed to eat a plate full of spaghetti tonight. I am proud of myself for that. I didn't want to eat it. I don't have such a hard time eating breakfast and lunch but once he goes to work I am emotionally eating. Craving sweets and snacks and nothing really good for me. Good thing that I still have some self control so I only had 2 cookies, 2 bite size chocolates and a chocolate granola thin over the course of the day. I also know that I have a tiny little one depending on me to keep myself well-nourished. This is probably a VERY good thing. I also feel myself letting the house go. I've never been a great housekeeper but I was getting better. Today though I did very little. The dishes are piled up and are bugging me but I have no motivation to do them. I need to fold a ton of laundry but I suppose living out of baskets won't hurt for awhile.

I need a break. No rest for the weary though. Gotta keep on going I guess.

Last night I told him that I really wanted him to get STD tested. I know that the risk is very little since he was using protection but I don't think I can even start to think about making love again until I know that he is not going to pass something onto me. He called and made an appointment to go in Monday morning. I am so anxious. What if he does have something? Then what? I assume that most things are treatable but that means more money and another hurdle. ARGH! This is all so frustrating. I really don't think I can take another blow. Please, God spare him this. Spare ME this.

So I have been listening to this song over and over. It has become my mantra of sorts. Trading My Sorrows by Hillsong Kids. I am determined to not let this overcome me. I cling to hope that he is going to get better. That we are going to make it (and normally the put on a happy face and keep going person that I am would stop there but this is uncensored truths so...) but if we don't I have to know that I can go on and be a whole person for my babies. They are too young to even know that something is not right. I have done my best to shelter them from most of this. They have seen me cry but other than that they do not deserve to worry and suffer from this. I am hanging on to the faith that I have in the Great Comforter. Our Incredible Healer. My Lord.

I feel like my faith is weak right now but I am not giving up because I know that HE won't either.

And so I will take that as an unintended transition to the rainbow that I saw today. I got up to take a picture of the sky outside because it was this incredible, ominous blue, when my little man pointed out the most beautiful rainbow I have seen...maybe ever, but if not, in a long time. My heart just melted to see how proud he was of himself for noticing it before I did. Maybe he was happy to see me smile today.

 

God has such a way of loving us. This was just what I needed today. Sometimes you just know when everything is going to be ok. Whatever may come...I pray happiness, joy and a renewed love...I know that in time everything is going to be ok. 

I love my husband. We can do this. We've overcome before.

358 days to go. One day at a time. I will get through this. I won't give up.

Here we go...

I always thought I'd have a blog one day. Never thought it would start with this.

My husband of 6 years came home last Friday and told me that he cheated on me. Not once, but many times. Each time, but once, with women that he did not have emotional ties to.

We have 3 beautiful babies together. One is a few weeks old. I NEVER thought this could -- WOULD -- happen to me.

This is going to MY 365 (hopefully less and not more) days of SURVIVING INFIDELITY. The good, the bad, the ugly. Raw emotion and uncensored truths. It is hard for me but I think it is vital.

Day 1: Friday night was terrible. He came home and out of nowhere spilled his guts. I have no words to describe the weight of what he told me. I cried until I could not keep my eyes open anymore and eventually my body gave up sometime around 3:30am and I fell asleep.

Day 2: Saturday I distracted myself by keeping a prior obligation that we had and being gone most of the day but it ended much like Friday night did.

Day 3: Sunday was another really hard day. We went out as a family and spent time together but I don't think I was 'there' for alot of it. That night also followed suite of the two before.

Day 4: Monday was my first day alone with the babies again while he went to work and I had the day to think about our life. My life. I was back and forth all day until I had the evening to do some online research about surviving infidelity. I found a few sites with some encouraging literature and somewhere in between terrified and ecstatic I decided to give our marriage another chance.

Day 5: Tuesday (yesterday) I don't remember much. Sad, huh? I think I cried so much the days before that my head was unclear. I know that I woke up in a daze and with a TERRIBLE headache. I didn't cry yesterday. Felt kinda strange not to but I welcomed the break. At one point I felt myself starting to and I literally held it in because my head hurt so badly. Returned my husband's kiss for the first time since he left for "work" on Friday afternoon.

Day 6: Today -- Today also was a day of obligation. I had a doctor's appointment that confirmed what I already knew: I need to have a hernia repaired. 3 beautiful babies later and my muscles have given way to my guts. ~Sigh~ I am not looking forward to it at all but I really have no choice.

The evening proved to be the hardest one this week. I am emotionally worn down and having 3 little people depending on me is hard sometimes. I don't regret staying but tonight I was wondering if it was the right choice. Can I do this? Can I live with this hurt? Can I still be a good mom as I try to process and make sense of my feelings? Will I ever feel 'normal' again?

I also realized tonight that being a single mom would be so hard. I am not saying that I couldn't do it if I had to but my babies deserve so much more than a depressed mama. I have to get better. Someway, somehow.

I know that staying meant that I have to believe that this is over. That my husband will not cheat again. It is so hard though. So hard when I am doing something simple, like laundry or dishes, and suddenly I am hit AGAIN with the fact that he cheated on me. It hurts. There is no way to describe this pain. No way to put into words the emptiness that is in my heart.

I am trying to think like a survivor (like one site that I visited encouraged). Trying not to think these things that seem to pop up in my head all through out the day.

• He shouldn't have done this to me.
• Love should have brought him home.
• He should have thought of the kids.

There are others but those are the main ones that keep terrorizing me.

I try to find hope in the fact that he told me on his own. I never would have known. Also that he wants to change. He wants to fix our marriage. He takes full responsibility. He has been upfront about everything that I have asked him. He KNOWS that it is not going to be better in a few days, or week or month.

I am clinging to the good things in life right now. I have 3 beautiful, healthy babies that love each other. I wish there were more that came to mind right now but there aren't.

I REALLY love my husband. I know that may sound strange but it's true. Being betrayed doesn't mean that you stop loving. Doesn't mean that everything you felt the moment before your world fell apart suddenly doesn't matter. Doesn't mean that you give up on your dreams.

When will I be ok? I don't know. Hopefully sometime in the next 359 days.