Hau'oli Makahiki Hou

Day 78: Getting ready to ring in the New Year. We're at home. Babies are asleep. Just another day.

This year held so much good. So much more good than bad. God blessing us with another healthy baby is at the top of a very long list.

Dreaming of Hawaii. Dreaming of going back. Dreaming of holding on to the dreams of our future. Dreaming of making this life all that we want it to be.

So I say to you, Hau'oli Makahiki Hou.

287 days. It's looking bittersweet to let go of this year.

The Box of Hope

Day 77: For Christmas I gave him a box of rocks. Yes, a box of rocks.

It is our little box of hope, even though he says that word does not quite fit, and I agree.

On each of the rocks I wrote a word. Here is the list.

• FAITH
• WHOLE
• STRENGTH
• TRUST
• GENTLE
• LORD
• PURE
• CHOOSE
• DEEP
• HOPE
• FOREVER
• KIND
• HEART
• BLESSED
• ONLY
• TRUTH
• YOU
• CHERISH
• HONEST
• TRUE
• PATIENCE
• PROMISE
• LOVE
• TOGETHER
• ONE
• ALWAYS
• HONOR
• PEACE
• ADORE
• JOY
• REAL
• GOD
• SAFE

I later realized I left out believe and forgive but I can always go back and add those since I saved some blank rocks.

I gave him his gift on Christmas Eve and he made it so much more amazing than I ever imagined. He went through and read each rock and put it in his lap. Then he went back through each one of them and commented. A few examples.

• HONOR - This is what I want, he said. This is how I want to live my life.
• SAFE - You are safe with me now. I know you don't feel like it yet, but you are.
• BLESSED - I am this.

He made what I was hoping to be something thoughtful into an amazing gift for both of us. As he went through each one, I just listened. I hardly spoke. He really gave me something wonderful that night. Another piece of me healed that night.

288 days. Hope.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

Day 76: He keeps telling me that he wants to make me happy. That he wants to be everything that I need him to be. That he doesn't want me to be sad (but he will be here to comfort me for as long as I am, even if it is forever).

I keep saying that I don't know what I want but today when I woke up and thought that a back rub would be nice I told him. Considering that it relaxed me, put me (and him!) in a good mood, and set me up for a better day, I'd say that it was a great idea to tell him what I wanted. Sometimes I feel guilty for asking for things like that but I think I will keep it up and see what becomes of it.

Later in the day, after he had left for work, we found out (finally) that the insurance company is going to total out our van and cut us a check. Car shopping, again. I hate it but am hoping to find the perfect car for our family. I know that God will provide.

So while I was stressing thinking about what we have to do in the next coming weeks and how it was probably going to put me in a bad mood because of the pressure I started thinking about how I need to live for today. Live in the moment.

Boast not thyself of to morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth. Proverbs 27:1

We are not promised tomorrow. All we have is today. I want to make today count. I want to know that I did my best to love my God, love my husband, love my babies and love myself.

I am living a new life. A life I did not want or ask for. A life that I would give back if I could. A life that has changed me and hurt me. A life that promises a better tomorrow. A life that I have to accept.

This life is all I have now and it is up to me to make the most of it. I thought, again, about the fact that TODAY is all I have. I cannot live life waiting for tomorrow to be better. What if tomorrow never comes? So I will love him with all of me TODAY. I will enjoy those babies of mine more TODAY. I will do my best to smile and laugh and heal. TODAY is all that I have.

The song "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks is how I am feeling. If tomorrow never comes, will they know how much I love them?

I am in a better place today. I know that it may not stay this way but I cling to days like this.

In thinking about the past few weeks and how they set me up for a huge emotional downfall, I also realized that they kind of reset me. I have been having much better days with my babies this week. We have done a craft or activity every night. My patience with them seems to be coming back. I feel like I am really, really getting more out of our days than I have been for awhile. If a few steps back, in regards to my emotional well being, is a trade off for patience and enjoyment with those babies of mine I will take it. They are growing so fast. I don't want to miss it. I want to savor it and relish in it. This has always been one of my strong suits and I am happy to see that it is returning. I need it. It makes me feel good. I say that I was born to be a wife and a mother. I really feel that it is true. I want to fulfill those roles that I love with passion and excitement.

Yep, this is the roller coaster they speak of. Yesterday I was a mess. Today I feel like I could be a motivational speaker.

I want to note:

I have this incredible friend. She reached out to me after reading my blog and always has the most incredible words for me. She sends me emails a few times a week and they always hit the mark.

289 days. TODAY.

Where did I go?

Day 75:  Feeling overtaken by the pain again. I can't remember the last time I cried (really cried) with him but I sure could use a good one.

My heart is hurting. I can feel the ache, physically. It's like things have settled down and now with nothing else on my mind this hurt is all that I can feel. I lost touch with myself over the last few weeks and with so many people around I let myself slip into fake mode for a bit too long. Now I have to figure out how to dig my way back out without an emotional disaster of feeling it all over again.

I feel like a shell of a person walking around this week. My mind feels numb, my heart aches. Where have I gone? Is this where I will stay? I hate feeling numb. I'd rather be all over the map than feeling like this. This scares me. This is NOT me. This is someone else. This is a person that is hurt and scared and lonely.

I seem to be watching myself go through the motions. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. Looking in on a stranger. Someone that has no passion. Has no love. Has no life.

THIS IS NOT ME.

I want me back. Where did I go?

I miss me.

I miss my life.

I miss the man that I married.

He has been here. He has been doing so much right. He has been giving so much to me.

I still miss him though. I miss that love that I had. The blind trust. The innocent love. The irreplaceable feeling. The security. The confidence. The dreams.

I have a new man. I have a better(?) man. I have a working-on-being a whole man but I miss the old man that I (thought) I had.

I miss it all. I want to go back.

290 days. Sad.

Christmas

Day 72: Saturday. Christmas. We woke up and got nowhere fast. It was nice. This is probably the last year that we will be "allowed" to sleep in and mosey around once we get up.

We had breakfast, and then lunch, and then I made a birthday cake for Jesus.

We didn't even open gifts until around 3:00pm. The babies loved everything they got. They are such amazing little people. So grateful. We have done a good job, if I do say so myself.

My husband, more than once, wrapped me in his arms and told me that he loved me and that he was so thankful for us being together.

I remember after we put the babies to bed I told my husband how much I had enjoyed the day. Normally a laid back, do nothing type of day makes me anxious and leaves me unsatisfied. This day was different though. This day was good for my soul.

I'm saving what I got him for another day.

Day 73: Yesterday was another mellow day. We had company coming over in the evening so we slowly got the house cleaned up -- again!

Yesterday was also full of big hugs and thank yous and I'm sorrys. He gets it. He sees it. He shows me.

We had a great night with our family. Opened gifts, had dinner, played a game together. Lots of fun and laughter.

What a wonderful weekend that we spent celebrating the birth of Jesus and the forgiveness that He has given to us all.

Day 74: Today feels strange. After so much activity over the weekend it was numbing to wake up and have nothing to do. I have nothing to sew, nothing to bake, nothing to wrap. I felt so lonely as soon as my husband left for work.

I really enjoyed this Christmas but I am relieved that it is over. I feel like I can buckle down and start working on me (and our family) again. I need to get things around the house in a bit more order and start a new routine.

The baby is three months old today, I have been cleared since my surgery, and it's time. Time to focus on us. Time to redirect our energy.

I really think my husband is ready for this new chapter. This new year. It means nothing really. Just another boost for a fresh start.

A friend sent me the link to the song Lead Me by Sanctus Real and I sent it to my husband. He listened to it and said that it is perfect. That this is exactly what he is striving for. It really hit me hard. This is exactly what I want.

I want a man of God who puts Him first and then our family. I remember in premarital counseling when our pastor told us that marriage is like a triangle with God at the top and us the other two points. The closer we draw to God the closer we get to one another.

I feel like for years I was grasping for our marriage to be Christ-centered. For our life to be Christ-centered. It seemed like we lived a lot of it but I see now that my husband was so broken that whatever he was trying to do was not enough to rid him of the poison in his soul that was robbing him of the joy that we find in the Lord.

I feel lonely tonight. I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel like I need to be near my husband and just rest in his embrace. I feel far from him right now. I feel a need that I am not sure can met. I feel very broken again tonight. I feel replaceable and insecure.

I feel hope though. It's not a great hope that makes me smile but it is a hope that reassures me that I will find my way back out of this pit.

291 days. Lead us.

The Festivities Begin

Day 71:
Blogging throughout the day.

9:35 - In my apron...ready to bake.

12:05 : 4 batches of goodies...biscotti, Christmas candy, & peanut butter cup cookie. Mmmmmm.

12:15 - Still need to clean the house and finish one last scarf. Time is ticking down. Feeding the baby. Looking at my beautiful babies. Praising the Lord for this Christmas together as a family. 

12:30 - He just came in with my Christmas present. He got my ring fixed. I didn't even realize that he had taken it out of my jewelry box. Never a more PERFECT gift!

1:00 -Guests start arriving early. My house is still a mess and there are still baked goods cooling! Ah well.

2:00 - The festivities begin as everyone else arrives.

4:00 - I turned to hug my husband after everyone else had settled into the other end of the house...it all hit me. The realization that we could have been having Christmas apart this year. Everything. The flood of emotions overwhelmed me and brought me to tears. He held me and whispered into my ear. He's sorry. He loves me. He is so happy that we are together...today and always.

6:45 - The house is cleared out.

7:00 - More guests...different guests start arriving.

8:15 - I can't stop staring at my ring. There it rests in its place. There it twinkles unnoticed by most. 

9:00 - The kids crash after a long but fun day.

10:00 - Our guests leave after a peaceful evening.

11:00 - The food is all put away. There is paper and gifts everywhere. There are a few things still to be wrapped for tomorrow.

11:30 - The house is quiet. I sit here and write and watch my husband out of the corner of my eye. Sit here and hold back tears as I think about (again) what this Christmas could have been like. I sit here and have never been more excited for Christmas morning.

Tomorrow will be a calm day. A quiet day. No guests. Just us. Our family. Just the 3 gifts that we got (mostly handmade) for our babies. We will celebrate the birth of our Lord. We will celebrate our family. It will be another day of our new life. It will be another day of love.

294 days. ..."because there was no room for them in the inn." Luke 2:7

For Unto Us...

Day 70: It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Hoping for the very most Merriest Christmas.

I am in good spirits and hoping to carry them through this weekend.

295 days. For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

A Real Elf

Day 69: Christmas is almost here. I am getting excited even though I am so tired. My husband told me a few days ago that I am like a real elf. I have been sewing and crafting almost everyday since Thanksgiving. I tell myself every year that I am going to start earlier, plan better, not keep adding to my to do list...but here I am again. I think I will be pulling an all nighter tomorrow! I'm too old for this! Ha!

Last year I remember so much of these days leading up to Christmas. I sat beside my husband every night and crocheted while he cheered me on. Tonight he said again that it's like a marathon and he is at the finish line cheering me on, ready to drag me across the finish line, by one ankle, if he has to! I hope it doesn't come to that but I am amused at his enthusiasm! 

So I was sewing (painstakingly handsewed a project together while entertaining 2 babies only to turn it over and realize that the duck head was upside down!) and wrapping gifts today and thinking about how blessed I am.

I am so blessed as a mother.
I am so blessed as a wife.
I am so blessed as a child of God.

It was another incredible year. I feel like it will always be the "worst year" of my life (well at this point I'm hoping that it is anyways) but I am sad to see it go as well. I feel like looking back is a way for me to hold onto what is good and to see what we can have again so it will be saying goodbye to a lot of things that we will never have again.

The new year will bring a lot of opportunity though and I am planning to make the most of it.

Today as I was on the way to the store I turned on the radio and the song Someday By Rob Thomas came on. It is a song that I have listened to quite a few times since finding out. I turned it up really loud (I was by myself) and just bawled my eyes out. I really felt like I needed that this morning. I needed to let go of some of the anxiety that has been building. 

I feel better today than I have for awhile and, though it is not lost on me that it could change in an instant, I am going to try to enjoy it tonight and have a nice night with my husband.

296 days. We'll be better off...someday.

Time

Day 68: Well today was the day. The day that, with the information that I have, I concluded was the day that he first started the affair with his coworker. The day that he decided to let her pleasure him.

HURTS.

I woke from a terrible dream and it set my mood but I was fighting it. I got out of bed and not too long after he mentioned that it was the first day of winter -- which made me think of the date -- and it HIT me. I was trying to not let it get to me but it did. It really took the wind out of my sails.

He asked me later what was bothering me and I told him. He said that, in no way, was he trying to minimize my pain, but that this day really holds no significance. That it is just another day that him and I are working on together. It's true, and I know that he meant for it to comfort me so I tried to let it, but I still felt like I was already behind the eight ball at that point.

I need a good day. I feel like I have had a long string of mediocre days in a row and it is REALLY getting to me.

I think I will go for a drive tomorrow. Looks like our car is going to be totaled out but an incredibly generous member of our family has loaned us a car to borrow until we have everything straightened out. It will not hold our whole family but at least we can now run to the grocery store if we need to. What a blessing.

So, I think I will go for a drive tomorrow morning and try to clear my head a bit. Maybe some retail therapy. Oh and reschedule a massage. I really need one.

I was thinking about all that was almost lost today, all that he almost threw away. How he almost sacrificed a good life. A whole life. A full life. One with good love. Honest love. Deep love. Love that doesn't give up when things are hard. Love that forgives.

I think that we had this before and I think that we still have it now. I think that my worst days with him are still better than my best days without him. I feel like I still have the love for him that I had before my day of heartbreak. I feel like we can still be amazing together.

I am praying for a breakthrough out of this phase. I am praying for the wisdom to know what we need from each other and the ability to communicate that to one another.

I think that he is still in this with all of his heart. I feel like he is still trying to do whatever it is that I need from him. I think that we need some time together. Some uninterrupted time.

Time. That is what this takes. 

297 days. TIME. Never knew how much I could dislike a word. 

"I want to always be a positive."

Day 65: Saturday. I had been anticipating this day for awhile. 300 days left, then 299. For me it seemed like how it feels when you are losing weight and you hit a milestone number. It was all in my head though.

I voiced to my husband about what day it was and, though it stung a little bit, he put it into perspective. He said that there is nothing waiting for us at the end of this year. At the end of these 365 days. It's true and it made me a little sad inside.

I hope that when we get to that day that I can at least look back and see that he has been true to his word. That he has grown a lot. That we have a stronger marriage. That I am his first priority. That he is a better man because he has searched and worked to overcome his demons. That he has forgiven himself. That he feels loved and forgiven. That I am back to a place where I can trust him. That I feel loved and cherished. That most of my pieces are back where they once were. That we are still moving forward with hope.

But...I know that we will also have to look back and see what we have lost. What he gave away. What he nearly threw away. What I have become because of this. How my heart hurts now. The dreams that we had that will never come true.

Noteworthy: I was fiddling with my wedding/engagement band and felt something rough. I looked down to see that one (of the seven) diamonds is loose and had just about fallen out. I am over the moon that I did not lose the stone but I am SO sad that I will be without a ring (they are all three -- engagement, wedding, anniversary -- soldered together) until we can get it fixed. Considering we have a deductible to pay and have to replace 3 car seats, I am not sure when it will get to the top of the priority list. -sad-


Day 66: Sunday. We had wonderful family come and watch our two older babies and we went out and finished Christmas shopping. I was hoping that it was going to be more fun and exciting than it turned out to be.

I think there were a few contributing factors -- I felt rushed because our help ended up arriving 2 hours late and I still wanted to get home at a reasonable hour to feed everyone dinner so I was trying to be efficient by sending him to do something in the store while I was doing something else. I was also just in a funk from the last week -- it was a taxing week, though I didn't quite realize how taxing until yesterday. He seems to be missing the mark with me, though he says he is still trying just as hard as he has been. Also, he seemed totally into what we were doing, totally in a decent mood, but maybe in the same kind of funk that I was in. We normally can have fun doing nothing so it was surprising that this was a dud.

I have been trying to communicate my feelings to him and I am either doing a really poor job or he is hearing me but not really doing anything to try to fix it.* I don't know. I am frustrated. The weekend held some really poor moments between the two of us and I told him. Nothing major -- no meltdowns. Just everyday things that are hurtful to me, us and our marriage.

He has been really hard on me about things that I am doing. It hurts. It hurts so much because I believe that he is changing. I believe that he is here now. I believe that he REALLY wants things to be great between us. I believe all of the wonderful things that he says to me. I believe that he hurts when I hurt. I believe it all. I believe that he is living an honest, transparent, open life with me now (and based on all proof he is doing everything he should be doing -- going to work, dropping by the grocery store...) BUT I am still very raw, very sensitive (hyper-sensitive, if you will), and on the edge of sadness and insecurity at any given moment.

*I was chatting with him while I was writing my blog and he put into words what I was feeling but not effectively communicating to him.

I say something.
He responds and it hurts my feelings.
I tell him that and he gets defensive because he was "just responding".
I say "it's not WHAT you said, it's HOW you said it."
He gets frustrated.
I get frustrated.
Rinse and repeat.

We were just chatting about the last week (again) and how it had been hard on me and why and yadda, yadda and he said, "I want to always be a positive."

THAT IS IT!

It's not that I can't handle him telling me that he doesn't want chicken for dinner, it's that I can't handle feeling like it was the worst idea that he's heard all week. (And maybe that's an exaggeration on my part, but that's how it feels sometimes.)

Day 67: Today...well today I had a lot to rant about but it was all related to the same thing and I feel like we may be able to tackle it now. I feel like having a face-palm moment over not being able to say how I was feeling for all this time. Doh!

He did have to go into work two hours early today which made for a long day but I made it. Seriously, though, on a Monday? Mondays are hard enough.

In light of feeling like we will have some good conversation tonight I am in a much better mood than I have been since early last week. He asked me earlier what he could come home and help me with (I have so much left to make for Christmas gifts) and that THRILLED me. I wanted him to ask me so badly but didn't push it. He also told me that I "rock". When I asked him why he said, "Because you're still with me, you aren't giving up on me, your love for me is real and you prove it over and over and over." I have never doubted that he "got it" from the beginning but it is reassuring to know that he has not forgotten.

298 days. Still happy to see thin number start with a 2, even if it doesn't really mean anything more than we are a few more days away from the awful night.

Sick and Tired

Day 64: I am sick. Sick, sick, sick. I was sick the same time last year. We almost didn't come home for Christmas but in the end I packed us all up and made it happen. Little did I know that I was pregnant AND he had cheated on me that week with a co-worker that I knew (and maybe a prostitute too). -cry and barf-

Ugh, it hurts to write those things but I guess I just needed to get them out.

I have been struggling the last few nights to really feel anything. I'm fighting the urge, even tonight, to just stuff it down. Stuff, stuff, stuff and not deal with it. I know that it gets me nowhere though which leads to more blah days.

We had a few hurdles this week in our healing. I got upset about something (unrelated to the affairs) and he did not take it well. He takes it so personally when I get mad. I tried to brush it off but it just bombarded our whole evening. He ended up saying that he does not know how to react when I get angry. He says that I get mean. (Maybe I do, but I don't think that is always the case.)

I think sometimes that he gets off too easily because I am quick to consider his feelings. Why, you ask? Because I love him. I never stopped loving him and I won't just spout off now because he's hurt me. I don't think that I protect his feelings but I certainly keep them in mind when I have something to say.

I can count on one hand the times that I have gotten mad since I found out about the affairs and each time he has pretty much reacted the same way. I told him that I am not sure that we are going to make it if I hit an angry stage (which, according to everything I've read, is coming sooner or later). I say that because I am not sure that he could handle me being angry for days. I am not angry by nature so I think it throws him off. He is confident that he will change it. His reaction. That he will learn how to respond in a healthy way. I guess only time will tell if he really works on it. He needs to do it not only for me, but really for him.

So, despite my hopefulness, this week has been challenging.

I've also been struggling with feeling like he wants me. As in, wants ME. He does so much right but there is just something missing in this chapter that we have gotten to. I can't even tell you what it is that is missing (so I can't tell him) but I am just feeling replaceable again.

I wonder if I will always struggle with this feeling since he, in some ways, did replace me. Ugh, it hurts. I want to be the only one. I want to go back and start over. I don't want to live with this anymore.

301 days. Not giving up...just may sleep the whole weekend though.

A Night Off

Day 63: I'm tired today. It's been a long week. I need a break. So much in my head but none of it is wanting to come out. Think I'll take a night off and do something mindless.

302 days. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

Two Months Ago...I Can

Day 62: It's been two months.

Two months ago my world fell apart.
Two months ago I was sitting here as content as can be.
Two months ago my dreams ended.
Two months ago I didn't know who I was, where I was going, or which way was up.
Two months ago started the beginning of my nightmare and ended my husband's.
Two months ago my baby was 18 days old.
Two months ago I was confident and secure.
Two months ago my heart felt safe with my husband.
Two months ago I felt safe in his arms.
Two months ago was supposed to be a relaxing Friday night.
Two months ago I thought I'd rather not wake up the next morning.
Two months ago was the day a piece of me died.
Two months ago was the saddest day of my life.
Two months ago was the worst day of my life.
Two months ago is a day that I will never forget.
Two months ago.

Two months ago.

We have come a long way in two months. I still cannot say that I am happy but I do have happy moments, sometimes even happy days. I still feel like there will always be a part of me that is sad no matter how much I heal. I still feel like I will long for the life that I dreamed of. I still feel like I will mourn the loss of the dreams that were shattered that night. I still think that there will always be a part of me that hurts and has pain. I feel like making this life work is, in some ways, settling for second best. Well, it is. This is not what I wanted.

I'm still here though and I am not giving up. My husband has been amazing since that night. He tells me that he was sitting in a parking lot, not far from home, for hours while he was deciding to come clean. It still baffles me that I had NO idea. NO flippin' clue that he had ever been unfaithful to me. NO suspicions. NOTHING. How did I miss it all?

Does it really matter?

If I would have suspected he would have only lied and then the months (maybe years) of even more destruction would have begun. I'm not sure that our marriage could have handled that (but who knows, I would have never thought that it could handle this).

Those early days were some of the very worst of my life. I have never grieved like I did in those days. I have never had that kind of pain. I can still remember forcing myself to stop crying because I felt like my head was going to explode. I can still remember the way that my heart felt like it was, literally, being ripped from my chest. Oh, the pain. The agony.

I still find myself in that place some days. Weeping in my husband's arms as I let go of more of the pain. Letting go so that more of me can heal. I hate those days. I hate that I have to feel this pain over and over and over again but this is the only way. This is the only way to find happiness again.

I still struggle with the WHY? Why did he do this? Why is he "here" now? Why does he care now? Why the hard work now when it is on the brink? Why the effort now when I need rebuilt? Why did he not think about the consequences? Why was he so careless and reckless? WHY? WHY? WHY?

He's given me answers but they'll never be enough to make my heart understand. I have accepted that but I still ask WHY?

Two months ago I became a different person. I began to think that that person was going to be cold and bitter and nothing like the old me. Two months later, today, I see a lot of the old me and only a bit of the new broken me.

I can still love and love with all of me.
I can be vulnerable.
I can love like I have never been hurt before.
I can forgive.
I can wrap my arms around my husband and make him feel safe.
I can look at him and still see the man that I have always loved.
I can look forward and see hope and happiness.
I can be strong when I need to be and come undone knowing he'll be here to hold me.
I can go forward knowing that love is not lost.
I can be me.
I can heal.
I can breathe.
I can do this. 

We can do this.

303 days. We are doing this.

*If You Only Knew *

Day 61:

Written on Day 27 (11.10.10)

------------------------------------------

If You Only Knew

If you only knew what you had
If you only knew who I am

You say that you're sorry that you're late
Well I am too
You missed out on so much

If you only knew what you were trading
If you only knew what we had

You say that you'd take it all back
Well I would too
You gave a part of me away too

If you only knew where it'd all lead
If you only knew how it would hurt

You say that it meant nothing
Well I did too
You injured your one true love

If you only knew my heart
If you only felt my love

You say that you'll make it right
Well I hope so
You have so much to gain

-------------------------------------

304 days. He is making it right.

The One

Day 58: Saturday. It was a celebration of sorts. It was the day, 7 years ago, that he told me that he loved me. It was an incredible day in my life that I will never forget.

He told me a few days ago, that it was the best thing that he ever did -- telling me that he loved me. It started our life together.

While we were driving on Saturday, he reached over and grabbed my hand and said that he loved me. The way that he said it took me right back to that night.

I really feel his love again. I feel like he is here, maybe for the first time since we were married. I'm so, so, so very sad over what we have lost but so hopeful for what we have to gain. I really love this man that I married. He is incredible in so many ways.

I have always been in love with him but I feel like these days I am back to a place where I am constantly falling in love with him over and over again.

It is a good place to be.

Day 59: Sunday. We had a fun weekend with two family dinners. When we went to bed last night we were disappointed with how fast it had gone and how busy it had been, though. We made up for it as best as we could by snuggling and making (really great) love!

He makes me feel really amazing.

Day 60: My husband was reading some things today about an unfaithful husband who doesn't quite know what triggers his wife. He looked at me and told me that he knows. He knows what triggers me and when I trigger. I am pretty sure that he not only knows the subjects that do it but maybe even the look that seems like I still cannot hide when it happens. Either way, I am glad that he makes it a point to be there for me when it happens. Whether it's a hug or an arm around my waist, he never lets me go through it alone.

Today was a pretty simple day. Got up, relaxed, I moaned about the five inches of snow that fell overnight and who knows how much more is to come, we did a few chores around the house and then my husband left for work.

He usually calls me when he gets to work but today he called me on his way. We were talking and then suddenly he said, "The car is sideways. I'm gonna crash. I'm gonna crash." and then I heard that awful sound of crushing metal. I went into shock for a second and then asked if he was ok (he was talking to me on an ear piece) and he replied that he was. It is all a bit foggy and drawn out but other than some whiplash (and a bruised ego) I think he is ok. I cannot tell you how relieved I was after I knew he was ok. It was the worst feeling for that split second not knowing. It brings tears to my eyes.

God is good.

Our van needs work, we have to replace carseats, and there are deductibles to pay but, ya know, it's just money. Money that we are not dying with anyways. I won't lie, I'm bummed that we will be strapped for Christmas, since I had planned to buy him something kind of expensive, but it's ok. I will get my creative juices flowing and find some great to make him.


He seems to be taking it a lot harder than I am. Every time I talked to him today he sounded really depressed. I feel terrible. I am hoping that I can cheer him up tonight. I think this is a bit more than he can handle right now, considering that he is already dealing with his mistakes.

Perhaps, I'll give him a back rub. It's been a long time since I've done that for him.

Today made me think about how we really get through this. How we have always gotten through everything. How we have the strength to fight for our marriage. How we will allocate the money to cover the added expenses. How we still find beauty in our marriage after all of this heartache. How we will look back in time and see this accident as a blip on our radar. How we still find laughter in our home in spite of all of the sadness. How, no matter what it is, we always find a way. How we still have each other. How we still have love.

It is because of our God. Our Savior. Our Comforter and Provider. He always picks us back up. He always brushes us off and gives us the courage to keep going. He is the One who gets us through. He is the One that gives us our strength.

He always gets us through. He always will.

305 days. Lord there is none like You.

Progress

Day 57: If you would have asked me 8 weeks ago, I would have, with absolution, said that I would be GONE if my husband had an affair. An hour from now though (plus 8 weeks) and suddenly I had NO idea what to do. Stay? Why? Go? Why? Why? Why?

I think that we are in a much better place than we were shortly after he told me. We have good days now and I think I may actually even be laughing a bit more these days. I still have so many fears and doubts. There are so many questions that will never have the right answers. (Why? being one of them.)

We have been working hard though. Every question that I ask is given an answer (a real answer). Sometimes he even asks me if I have more questions (and sometimes I do).

A thin scab has formed over my wound and, though it would still easily tear right back open, it is not quite as raw as it was before. The pain is still immense. The sadness endless. We are making it though.

One of the hardest parts of this stage of healing is having to go into the pain to get out of the pain. It's like picking your own scab sometimes. Just putting a bandaid over the wound and never going back to check on it would only be asking for an infection. Sometimes I need to rip that bandaid off to be sure that the poison is still making its way out and that hurts.

I know that I am making progress though. I used to listen to the song Broken by Lifehouse over and over and over again and just weep. Today I was listening to it and I felt like there were so many lines that I now "get" that I didn't before. I remember when I first listened to it...I had NO idea what "healing" felt like. I only knew what a "broken heart still beating" felt like. I only knew what "barely holding on" meant. Now I feel like I will "be okay". I feel like there is so much more of me that is functioning now than there was in those first few weeks.

I was remembering day 3. I think it was the worst day for me. The worst day that I will always carry in my heart. I was crying in the kitchen and I felt like I would collapse but my babies were in the other room and I just couldn't, COULDN'T, let them walk in there and see their mama laying on the floor barely breathing. I held on that day. I held on to every ounce of strength in me and stood there. I stood strong when there was nothing left to hold me up. I found my courage that day. I became what I needed that day, though I didn't realize it at the time.

So much has happened in the last 8 weeks. So much more than I am ever able to put into words. We still have so far to go, but again I have hope. I have an amazing husband full of remorse and love. He is putting at least as much effort into our healing as I am. He is open with me and quick to correct his faults. He still (I still, we still) have a long way to go but I feel like we are really going to be okay.

I feel like we are a team again. Like nothing can stop us. I always thought we were invincible and I am starting to believe that again.

308 days. I think I found US again.

The Little Things

Day 56: I didn't think that the upcoming days were going to be difficult but they have been on my mind all evening. I know that the affair that he had with the one (of soooooooo many) woman who I actually knew started the week before Christmas. I also know it was the week that we got pregnant with our third baby. It is creeping in on me. The sadness, the fear, the doubts.

Maybe he will do something extra nice for me over the course of those three weeks to help me get through them a little easier. Maybe he will help carry me through. Maybe he can help me heal during those weeks instead of shattering some more.

He has been really great at keeping track of little things that I say so I have a lot of hope. There have been deliberate acts on his part to take advantage of the few opportunities that we have had to go out and have a little bit of time to ourselves. It makes me happy when it feels like he really wants to be with me. There have also been a few spontaneous gifts over the last few weeks and it warms me when he gives them to me. It makes me happy to know that he is listening when I mention things.

Just over the weekend I asked that if he were going to get me a Christmas gift that it be meaningful. A day or two after that he told me to call and make a massage appointment as part of my gift this year. I am really looking forward to knowing that the babies will be in good hands (second best only to mine!) so that I can go relax.

It's the big things that have been broken but it is the little things that now matter the most. The careful consideration when picking out a movie (it's unbelievable how many movies have affair/betrayal/infidelity related topics), the quiet I love yous, the tight and lingering hugs, the tender kisses, the delicacy in which he handles my heart now, the gentle manner in which he regards my feelings.

The thing I have been noticing a lot over the last week or two is the times at which he chooses to tell me that he is sorry. They have certainly been in the moments when I am hurting, but more of them have come as just a tiny whisper in my ear while I lay in bed at night. It is like he hears my silent cries at night and reaches out to me. Reaches out and breaks the fall just before my heart hits the ground again. Reaches out and picks up another little piece of me and puts it back in its place.

His I'm sorrys are not just those two words though. That is how they all start but they never end the same. They always include a follow up of some sort. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I caused this pain. I'm sorry that I put us here. I'm sorry that we have to deal with this. I'm sorry that this makes you have bad days.

It never feels generic. It never feels obligatory. It feels like he really means it. Like he really gets the pain that I have. If there truly is a silver lining to every dark cloud than this is part of mine.

309 days. The little things.

Joy

Day 55: My husband was so great today. I have had a few blah days back to back. Today he kept wrapping me up in his arms (oh, how I love the way he does that!) and kissing me. I love it. I love when he does it even when I'm kinda fighting to get away because I'm in a poor mood. I love it when he does it when I am busy and doesn't quit. I love when he does it until I give in to him.

He has a way with me. He really does.

I haven't been thinking about the affairs much lately. Well, I should say that they have not been invading my every thought lately. I still think about them a lot but it is much more controlled than it used to be. It is not so encompassing that it swallows me up.

My husband has been a key factor in our healing. Just the other day he sent me this email.

Hey, 

I hope your day with the kids was good. It wasn't looking too promising when I left for work but if anyone can turn it around, I know you can. I just wanted to let you know that I caught up on your blog today (last post is from Friday as of right now) and I am glad I did. Your posts have a way of lifting my spirits. Even the sad ones are laced with an optimism that motivates me (even more than I already am) to keep chipping away at this 50 ft high, 6 ft thick wall that I have thrown up with my selfish decisions.

You are such an amazing woman. Words cannot describe the emotions that swirl within me when I think about what I have done to you. The mixture of anger and sadness makes me clench my fists and tighten all the muscles in my body. THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR! To know what I had all along and did not care makes me sick to my stomach and to know that we could be so much farther right now makes me shake my head.

But to know that you are still with me makes me smile. It makes me want to go out and pick up mountain and lift it over my head (but I won't for fear of a hernia). To know that I get another chance to be with this amazing woman makes me want to do everything I can to get us past this dark time and into the light so we can finally live that you did sign up for. I love you so much. 

I know that it's not quite as easy as my few words in an email make it seem. I know that the task is huge but I don't care how seemingly insurmountable it is, I will keep chipping. 

Your loving husband,

{The man that I love}

It makes me sad that he is hurting.  It brings me to tears knowing that I cannot make that pain go away. I can only pray that he lets me help him though. I pray that when I wrap my arms back around him that he knows that he is safe. That he always has been and always will be. That he is loved. That he is wanted. That I am giving all of me to him once again. That he made a mistake but there is more to him than that. That I still believe that "when God made {him} he must have been thinking about me". I pray that he has accepted my forgiveness and that one day (hopefully soon) that he will forgive himself.

My heart is still right now. My mind is at ease. My pieces are being put back together.

310 days. There is joy today.

*Hold Me Tight*

Written on Day 53 (12.6.10)
-----------------------------------------------

Hold Me Tight

I'm gonna understand this love
I'm gonna help to see it through
I'm gonna hang on tight when things get rough
It's just me and you

Remember when we were young
Everything seemed so easy
Remember when we were young
How simple it was to please me

I wanna feel safe again
I wanna find that place
I wanna see the love again
When I look at your face

You think we're gonna make it
I wanna believe it too
You think we'll be strong again
Just me and you

Hold me tight, don't let me go
I need to feel you near
Whisper softly, say it gently
Let you words fall on my ear

I'll never forget, but I forgive
To myself I'll be true
I'll love like I've never been hurt
This is my gift to you

Healing

Day 51: Saturday. It was a long day. We went out early and did a bunch of shopping and then that evening we had a company dinner to attend. It was fun. We both got dressed up and went out together without any babies. (That was REALLY hard, especially leaving my 9 week old baby, but I did it for us.) We really enjoyed ourselves. We came home, relieved our wonderful babysitter(s!) and headed for bed.

I got in bed just to snuggle the baby (the other two were sound asleep) and he climbed onto the end of the bed and rubbed my feet. We sat there and talked for quite awhile and then we laid down and snuggled.

Snuggling turned into more and we made love for over an hour. It was incredible.

After all was said and done I was getting ready to climb back into bed but my husband took me and stood me in front of him. He very deliberately started naming parts of my body (toes, arms, belly, face...) and telling me why he loved that part of me until every last piece of me had been accounted for.

It was very hard to stand there at first. Very awkward for me. I have not been the same since finding out about the affairs. Where a once, very secure and confident woman stood, now stands a shaken and wondering version of me. A version that needs to hear that I am enough. That I am lovely. That I am fulfilling. That I am perfect just the way that I am. That I am wanted. I need that now more than ever.

But...I stood there and I endured it. I stood there and I made myself step outside of my comfort zone. I stood there and I soaked in what he said. I stood there and let myself be vulnerable. I let him shower me with kind words. I let him "in". I let him give to me.

That night, we healed some more.

Day 52: Sunday. Yesterday we went out again. We had an impromptu Christmas celebration with some family that is going out of state for the holidays. We went to pick up a gift and then headed over.

When we left the gift shop and were headed to our family's house he turned on the game (on the radio). Just a few weekends ago the same thing had happened and he failed to engage me the entire car ride. It was a day that I was feeling particularly sad and I spent the whole car ride home staring out the window knowing that he did not even notice. I later said something to him about it and he apologized for it. When he turned it on I am pretty sure that it triggered that conversation from a few weeks back and he turned to me and asked me if I wanted him to turn it off. It made my heart so happy to know that actually meant it. That if I said "yes" that he would have turned it off and not grumbled. I told him that it was fine with me if he listened to it until I was done counting the stitches on the crochet project that I was working on and he was fine with that.

When I finished counting there were only a few minutes left in the game (and it was tied) so I gladly let him finish listening to it. His team won in the last few seconds! Yay for happy endings!

The truth is though that I don't care if he listens to the radio (as much as I hate talk radio), it is that I HATE being ignored, unnoticed, and forgotten about. I think he gets that now because he was actually talking to me while he was listening (and despite the fact that I was counting -- he's well aware of what that means).

Dinner at our family's was nice. We were both exhausted and the babies needed tended to so we didn't have a lot of time to spend together but I get that. Actually just this weekend sometime I was telling him that I do not expect unrealistic things from him. I know that we have 3 small children. I know that they have needs and wants and that we cannot always just stop what we are doing to discuss something. (By the way, he was not griping that I ask too much from him, I was only clarifying for him that I do not have a feeling that he is failing at this when our days get away from us.) I was also telling him that I do not expect him to be a "different" person.

Changed? Yes.
Improved? Yes.
Different? No.

I like him. I've always liked him. I don't want a new man. I want the same man with a better outlook and better decision making skills. I think that man is making his way into our home. The man that came home that night in October has a better heart. A clearer mind. A fresh start. I really think that he is trying hard to make the very most of it and it makes me happy.

This man, my man, helped us heal some more this weekend.

Day 53. I read one of the saddest stories today. A story of a woman who went through more death and sadness in a brief time than anyone should have to ever go through. All the while her alcoholic husband was out living another life. Cheating and lying. She needed him more than ever and he was offering no support. My heart broke for this poor woman and then I got to the end of her story. They made it. Somehow she found a place in heart to give him another chance. Somehow he changed and gave himself back to his wife. Somehow they found love again and remarried each other on an anniversary.

It is seriously one of the saddest things that I have ever read and it put me in a somber mood, despite the happy ending. I kinda moped around all morning and my husband asked what was wrong. He hugged me after I told him about the story and then went and read it himself. It was too much to digest and we didn't really talk about it much but I think we were both feeling a bit derailed by it. By afternoon I was in a bit of a funk and told him that I was sad. He told me that he was so sorry for how I was feeling.

I have noticed something lately. I have noticed that when he talks to me, especially when he is apologizing or telling me something deep, that he looks me right in the eyes. Almost like he is looking into me. It is an incredible feeling. It takes my breath away.

I have noticed something else. Every time he walks by me or up to me he reaches out to touch me. It makes me feel so loved. So noticed. So wanted.

I think that he has changed. I think that he was changed that night but had no idea what those changes were. I think we have a long way to go. I think it is going to still be hard but I think that his heart is here. I think that he has given himself back to me. Back to us.

312 days. We are healing.

Looking Forward

Day 50: It's been 7 weeks. Feels like forever though.

I am still sad. Still going down on this roller coaster ride but today I am choosing to pull myself up a bit to catch my breath and I am going to look forward.

I have been struggling lately with spending quality time with my babies. It makes my heart ache when I realize another day has gone by and I haven't poured love into and over them. Oh, I love them. Goodness, how I love them, but I have been failing. I made up my mind last night though. I decided that I was going to have a GREAT day with them...so...40 paper snowflakes later (there are some on a different window)...and we had a great day together. (Yes, my hands hurt but it was so worth watching them unfold each of those snowflakes.)

Life right now is sad but good. My husband has been incredible to me since the night that he came clean. He told me last night that he always loved me but that he did not always appreciate me and wasn't grateful for me. Like so much, it hurts to hear but, it makes a lot of sense.

I asked him last night what life would be like if I never healed. If I was never "ok". He said that he would hold me every night while I cry until we are old. It is, in a very warped way, ...endearing, to say the least. He then went on to say, though, that he believes that I will heal. That I can and will get past this. I, too, believe that but in those moments when my heart feels like it is breaking again, just from the thought of what has happened, it is hard to see past this hurt.

I still wish that my husband would have come to appreciate me and be grateful for me, the way that he is now, without having to almost lose me. I think his perspective, the very thing that led him to make all of those terrible decisions, is what has his heart completely back in this. I think that is what is going to give us the ability to be happy again.

I think back to the day that he apologized to me for not being "here" for our whole marriage. It breaks my heart to know that so much of what I have with him was based on lies. It hurts that I was giving to him when he was not receiving. It hurts, BUT I am not giving up.

"You never changed" is something that he recently said to me and, though I feel like this HAS changed me in some ways, I agree that the core of me has not changed. I still love him. I still love us. I still want a happy future with him.

Our future looks brighter than ever (now that he is not living a lie) and, tonight, I am holding onto that. Tonight, I am going to hold onto hope. Hope of a better life together. Not because of the affairs but in spite of them.

315 days. Life isn’t a reminder of what we’ve lost… it’s a celebration of what we have to give.

It HURTS

Day 49: I'm not ok tonight. In fact, I'm getting worse.

I don't know how to live with this pain. I don't know how to be ok anymore. I don't know how to look forward without all of this hurt. I didn't choose this for me but I have to some figure it all out. WHY???

I want off this roller coaster.

I just want to be who I used to be. My confident, secure, whole self. Where did that person go?

I feel like a shell walking around. I feel like someone else is living in my body. I hate this.

I don't even know what I need right now. A massage sounds nice, but only until the 60 minutes are over. A drive sounds nice, but I don't want to be alone. Shopping sounds fun, but I don't really know what to buy. A break...ahh that sounds heavenly but not practical. Oh, I need for this to be a nightmare! That's what I need. -sigh-

Can I learn to let some of this go? Or is that just a way of not dealing with it? Is the only way to deal with it to hold on to it until it doesn't hurt anymore? Will the hurt ever really go away? Will my heart ever be mended? I know that I can be happy again...that is up to me. I am worried about my heart though. That is where the hurt is. That is what is broken.

Can I live with a broken heart? How is that even possible? This is so consuming. This is torture.

I don't want to do this anymore. I want this all to go away. I want the pain and hurt and sorrow and anguish and sadness and emptiness to all go away. I want to be who I used to be. I want the husband that I thought I had back. I want the life that I thought I had back.

Why does he want me now? I am messed up and broken. I am not who he loved before. 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I feel like I could implode from the pain. It HURTS.

316 days. Oh it hurts.

The Grip

Day 48:  I am beginning to realize that I was in a lull for a bit. I think it was my mind (and body) taking a break from a lot of the pain that is still very much there. The last week has been one challenging day after another. We are closing in on the seven week mark and I feel like I have run out of steam. Now is the time in a race or a project where you draw from your reserves. I feel like mine are dry. -sigh-

I am struggling with how I should react. Part of me wants to put on a happy face and give myself another week or two until I deal with this again. The other part of me (I guess the piece of me that is still somewhat sane) knows that I don't have that option if I want to heal.

I WANT TO HEAL. I want to be free again. I want to smile again. I want to laugh again. I want to be happy again. I WANT IT!

This sadness is not the same as it was in the beginning. There was so much denial in the beginning. I still have moments when I have to ask myself if this really happened to us. If I am really awake. If this is real. For the most part, though, I am living in reality. And that hurts. This hurts. I wake up in the morning and look around and it hits me again. Again and again and again. I hate going to sleep because I know that means I have to wake up and face this for another day.

This life is hard. Much harder than it should be. I just want to run away to the land of love. Unfortunately, I have realized that that place only exists in my head though. In the dreams of the little girl still living in me.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't recognize myself. I don't know who this depressed person is. I am so broken. My heart is so broken.

This sadness that I have now is sadness that comes from the realization and acceptance that this is my life now. No matter what I do, where I go, or when I heal this is still going to be a part of me. This is never going away. I know I have to learn somehow to let  go of this pain. I just don't know how.

There comes a point with sadness that I usually let go. I tell myself that I have held on long enough. That I have felt it and processed it. I have experienced the pain and I have accepted it and then I release myself from the grip of it.

The grip of this sadness is incredible. It is crushing me. It is changing who I am. It is hurting me.

Oh Lord, help me. I need to let go of some of this. I feel like it is ruining me.

317 days. Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand.

The Same Week

Day 47: He came home and I almost immediately started crying. I was laying on the couch with the baby on my chest and he came over and knelt beside me and just held me. I told him that I didn't want to do this anymore. (I meant...I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't want to have to keep fighting this.) He responded by saying that he knows that means a whole lot but that one of the things that he loves about me is that I keep going. That I am so strong. I sure don't feel strong right now...

He told me last night that he wakes up every morning and looks at me and has the worst regret. He says that he never knew what regret was until he came clean. (I can attest that this is not regret of getting caught because I didn't catch him...he told me. I knew NOTHING and had NO suspicions.) I can see the pain on his face. I can see how badly he wishes he could take it back. I can feel the remorse.

We are in two very different places though. He, long ago, accepted what he had done to me (to us) and the night that he told me was the end of his nightmare. That night, though, was the beginning of mine. There is a tiny (demented) part of me that wishes he would have never told me.

He told me that he is happy. I know what he means by this even though I feel quite the opposite. I know that me giving him the chance to make me happy again makes his heart swell. I'm glad that he is happy. I hope that he continues to be happy and that I can make him happy along this long, hard road that we are traveling.

Today I realized something that I am not sure how to process. The week that he started the emotional/physical (not sexual) affair with his co-worker was the same week that we got pregnant with our third baby. It hurts. Last night I had put together the 3 weeks that their affair went on started the week before Christmas but I hadn't thought of that being the week that I got pregnant.

He says that he doesn't understand why God wrote our story this way but there is always a reason. (Paraphrasing here.) Within a day of us finding out that we were pregnant he went to work and told everyone the good news and then cut off contact with her. I can look at the facts and see that maybe that was God's way of putting a stop to it before it turned into a sexual affair (something that he proposed to her but did not come to pass).

I'm such a jumbled mess lately. I can't even write clearly anymore. It makes me sad. I don't feel like myself.

318 days. One day at a time.

Sad

Day 44: Saturday. Well, let me start with Friday night. My husband came home and picked us up after working a half day and we went to a mall about 40 minutes north of us. We walked around and shopped a bit and then left about the time they were closing. The babies promptly feel asleep on the way home and we started talking...about everything. He drove about 100 miles that night all around and back to our house just so that we could talk. He never said anything to me but I noticed when we drove past our street that he knew we needed more time to talk.

My heart broke some more Friday night. He told me that he hadn't been happy in our marriage. That he was fighting against me holding onto him. It hurts.

I was holding on to him because I have never felt like he wanted to be with me. Well, not never, but I have always felt second best -- to something. So I held on, TIGHT! And he pulled back and "rebelled". It hurts. It breaks my heart to know that I was right. That I really was not wrong in my thinking. Ahhhhhh, it hurts.

He asked me that night to listen to something that he was about to say and remember it. Then he told me that he is not going to ask to go out without me. That I am going to be the first one to bring it up and only then will he consider the possibility.

I was explaining to him that night that I have always been full. That he and our babies have always been all that I need. They fill me up and complete me. Everything else good in life is just extra. I could have nothing but them and I would be happy. He told me that that is how he feels now. It warmed my heart and for better or worse I am choosing to believe that he really feels and means it.

Saturday was less than happy. I woke up in a funk (too bad after our great talk the night before) and was in it ALL day long. We got out of the house again and I still could not snap out of it. When we pulled into the driveway that night he said that he was going to make sure that the night was good.

We relaxed together on the couch after the babies went to bed and then we headed off to bed ourselves. I was still waiting, as we crawled into bed, for him to pull through on what he had said but it didn't appear that it was going to happen so I said something to him. He had a hard time understanding what I was needing and eventually we both conked out before it was resolved.

Day 45: Sunday. He let me sleep in (he does this alot, though I've been trying to return the favor from time to time) and when I came out and met him in the kitchen he hugged me and apologized for the night before. Said he was sorry about how things went unresolved and that I was upset. He promised a better effort.

We spent the mid-morning putting up and decorating the Christmas tree. It is getting more exciting every year as the babies grow and get more involved. Once we were finished, we again went out to pick up a few things (he took me to the craft store and I spent some money on some holiday silk flowers!). After that we went to the grocery store and picked up a nice dinner and a movie for the babies to watch. It is our Sunday night winter tradition -- they can choose to watch a movie or go play at the playplace in town. We encouraged them to pick the movie so that we could stay home and relax after a long weekend.

Dinner was good and they enjoyed the movie (while I made cookies!) and then they went to bed. After wards we sat on the couch and talked for quite awhile. Once we went to bed things went downhill again. I was sad because all day I had, again, been in a funk and I didn't feel like he even noticed. He admitted to not noticing that I was quiet on the ride home, just staring out the window, because he was listening to a football game on the radio.

I told him that I fear that he can't do this as long as I may need him to. That he is wearing out and tiring of the work that needs done. He started to get defensive (which I get...I'm sure it sucks to carry the burden of what he has done to us...) and angry which made me cry thinking that this is how he reacted in the past.

At some point he said that I was "being hard on him" and that sent me over the edge. I think that as soon as he said it (or very quickly after) he realized what an asinine statement it was. As I lay there in another puddle of tears he came to his senses and started asking questions and reevaluating where we are.

He knows where we are, he knows the work that must be done, he overall seems to "get it". I hate these setbacks but they are definitely not deal breakers. I have never wanted him to be perfect (how boring would that be?) and certainly don't expect that from him now but I do expect the best from him. I am giving this my all and I hope that he sees that.

I cried and cried and cried last night. He held me and I wept. And he held me tighter and told me to let it all out. And I did. Cried like I did in the first few days. Cried until I had to stop because my head felt like it would explode. I feel like I worked through some more stuff last night though. Feel like we reached a new level of understanding and honesty. Feel like we healed a little more. Why does there have to be pain in healing? Why?

Why...I hate that question. Everytime I hear that in my head I immediately think why are we here? Why did he cheat? Why didn't he love me enough? Why? Why? Why? Ugh...carrying on.

He held me until I was done crying and then held me tighter when I was finished. He whispered to me that he chooses us. He chooses me. That he was so thankful that I had given us another chance. So thankful for letting him be here with me. So thankful for being here to hold me. He whispered to me and held me as I cried silently while I processed some more. He held me. 

He held me as I whispered to him that we are going to make it. That I don't know how to be strong all of the time and that scares me. He told me that it is ok. That it's nothing new and that that is what we are -- a team. We are here for each other. To pick each other up. To be strong when the other can't be.

And then we made love. Goodness, I love this man.

Day 46: Today was just another day. I think I am too tired to remember today actually. We slept in a bit. I finally got up and got some over due things done. He got up and helped me clean up a bit and we made lunch together.

I think that I am just going through a really sad phase. Not a lot of other emotions are making their way to the surface. I guess I just have to work through it. It is so hard to fight the urge to stuff it down but I know that it will only hurt me (and us). I have to work through this. I have to face it and deal with it. I really don't want to but I have to heal. I want to heal. So here I go...again. Time to again find my determination and beat this.

I'm scared but I have no other choice. I'm scared because I feel like I have been holding myself up for the last 6 weeks and now I think I have to lean on my husband. I guess here comes the true test. I was wondering when we were going to get here. I wanted to avoid it...sad, but true. Gosh, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to get hurt again. Afraid that he doesn't have what it takes. I have to think that he does but what if he doesn't? It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt to fall again.

319 days. We can do this...right?

Forgiveness

Day 43: I love the day after Thanksgiving almost as much as I love Thanksgiving. No, I did not go shopping this morning! It is the day that we put up our Christmas tree and get ready for the festivities that surround the birth of our Lord!

Today we decided that after my husband's half shift is over at work (I can't tell you how happy I am that he will be home before the babies go to bed!) that we are going to go out and pick up a few things. No crazy shopping but pick up any good deals that fit the people we are shopping for. Tomorrow we will put up our tree and decorate. It will be a fun Saturday morning. I am going to make some homemade cinnamon rolls, he will make coffee (and I will sip my 1/4 cup well into the afternoon after reheating many times) and we will put on holiday music.

I really enjoy Christmas. I love that, as a family, we have a tradition of only buying the babies 3 gifts each, just as Jesus received 3 gifts, in the theme of J-O-Y (Jesus-Others-You). I love that my little man has already asked me what kind of cake we are going to make for Jesus. I love that they sing Jesus Loves Me, and other Bible songs, spontaneously. I love the idea of friends and family and food and love. I love the gift that Jesus gave us all, forgiveness. I love it.

Forgiveness. I love that forgiveness with Jesus is so easy. All you have to do is ASK.

In all of this I have tried to ask myself how Jesus would react to me. Would he grant me forgiveness if I asked? Yes. So I have given it to my husband. I have forgiven my husband.

For some, an affair (or many affairs in my case) ruins the holidays. It reminds them of better days and happier memories. For me I choose to not let this take away our holidays. I choose to be as much like Jesus as I can.

I am not sure what I will buy my husband this year for Christmas, but I do know that everyday I will again give him forgiveness until I feel like we are healed from this. I hope this Christmas it is the best gift that he receives.

322 days. Let the festivities begin!

He's Thankful

Day 42: Thanksgiving Day.

From him to me. ♥

I am thankful for Your Love and for the 3 little products of it.

I am thankful for Your Love and for the perseverance of it.

I am thankful for Your Love and for the strength of it (this is something that I am only beginning grasp)

I am thankful for Your Love and for the depth of it.

I am thankful for Your Love and for the happiness that I truly find in it.

I am thankful for Your Love and I will never again do anything to betray it.

I am so thankful for Your Love.

323 days. ♥

I'm Thankful

Day 41: Wednesday.

This has made it hard to see the good but I know that it is there and so I will find it and embrace it.

I am thankful, as always, for 3 healthy babies. My heart swells when I think of how blessed I am as a mother.

We have made it almost 6 weeks into this mess and I am thankful for the strength the Lord gives me to carry on. The night that he came home and told me I was all but ok. I did not know how I would ever get out of bed again, much less, go on. With the Lord's help and guidance, I managed 4 days later to give us another chance.

I am so thankful for that.

I am so thankful that we are celebrating this Thanksgiving together, as a couple, as a family. I am so thankful that my husband has come clean and let me choose us again. Choose us with open eyes. I am thankful that he did not just walk away due to his mistakes, shame, humiliation, pain... I am thankful that he gave us another chance.

I am thankful that my babies have a great father. The amount of love that he has for them is enough to know that I picked a good Daddy for my babies.

I am thankful that he is committed to the hard work that now must be done to make us happy again. I am thankful that he has not backed down despite some very long nights. He has been here, present, since that night that he came home and came clean with me. He has been here since that night when he told me he wanted "us" to work. He has been here.

I am thankful that he has been a much better husband since he's come back to me. He has been more doting, more attentive, more patient, more kind, more understanding, more open, more protective...more for me than he was before.

I am thankful that, throughout this ordeal, I have somehow had the wisdom to know that we are still in this together. That we are a team. This alone has allowed me to move forward with dignity.

I am thankful that this Thanksgiving we are a blessed family of 5 living in an amazing country where we want for nothing. 


324 days. I'm thankful.

To You

Dear Husband,

That cold January day was the best day of my life. That cold January day almost 10 years ago. That cold January day when I walked in to church and we saw each other for the first time.

I was never the same after that. Not a day went by that I didn't think about you. As our friendship blossomed and life went on I always knew that you held a special place in my heart. A place that no one else could fill.

Life went on and we went our separate ways but somehow you were always with me. I had you tucked away in a safe place and went there when I was excited about something, scared, alone, happy...no matter what was going on I always thought of you. It was all in God's hands at that point though.

I will never forget the night, after a few long months of not hearing from you, when my roommate called out to me that you were on the phone. That was Thanksgiving Day 2002. I remember how my heart was beating as I ran up the stairs as quickly as I could to get to the phone. I remember hearing your voice and feeling warm all over again.

I was always so in love with you (and you knew that). Months and months went by and though we were thousands of miles apart I still held you in my heart. I can remember going to sleep thinking about you.

I think back to when I returned from being half way around the world -- literally --  and I called you first to say that I had made it back safely. I remember how happy you sounded that day but how I pushed it aside since we were "just friends".

I remember the cold May day in 2003 when I was home visiting and you and I sat and talked over coffee. I remember you telling me to go back to school and have lots of fun. I remember you dropping me off at the airport, very early in the morning, a few days later and how I walked away in tears not wanting to leave. I wanted so badly to turn around and go back home with you but I got on that plane and again put it in God's hands.

Life went on as planned for awhile. At some point I prayed that God would help me let go of you. And He did just that. He helped me let go of my dreams with you and let me focus on our friendship. Our amazing friendship that I was blessed with. But still I carried you in my heart.

Those many late night conversations that we had when you would call me on your way to work soon became such a wonderful part of my life that I was shocked the night, out of nowhere, when you said that you loved me. I will never forget how my heart skipped a beat when I heard you say those words, and then repeat them when I asked, in disbelief, what you had just said. Just thinking about it makes me smile.

I wish I had the words to describe the way I felt when your plane finally touched down on that island when you came to see me. Those few months that we shared while we were together in paradise will forever be etched in my memory.

The day that you asked me to be your wife...when you knelt down on that little beach...was perfect. I remember walking back along the rocky shore and our friend (that we didn't realize was also at the beach, much less watching us) pointed out that she was just watching us and thinking that we looked so happy. That it made her think of us treading through life's struggles together hand in hand.

I think back to our August wedding, only 5 months later, when I became your wife. I knew that day that we would never be the same. That we would get through anything. I remember making love for the first time ever that night.

Life quickly afforded us our first major hurdle and though it nearly broke us we made it. Not only did we make it but we came out stronger.

God then blessed us abundantly with 3 babies in less than 4 years.

These things, and countless others can never be taken away from us. These are our memories.

Somewhere in there though something broke and it didn't get fixed. That led to the terrible October night 5 weeks ago when you walked in and told me, while I held our newborn, that you had been unfaithful.

It broke my heart. It changed me forever. It hurt me in a way that I didn't know I could hurt. It took everything that I believed and challenged it. It put me in a place that I never thought I would be.

It changed us forever, it set us back but it did not destroy us.

I'm still not sure how I managed to pick myself up enough to decide to give us another chance but I am so happy that I did. I am hopeful about us.

I have known since that cold January day that we were meant for each other. I still believe that "when God made you He must have been thinking about me". My love has only grown for you since that day.

You are my best friend.
You are my safe place to fall.
You are the one who challenges me.
You are my most perfect compliment.
You are my unending source of laughter.
You are the Father of my babies.
You are the keeper of my heart.
You are the love of my life.

Without you in my life...well I cannot imagine my life without you in it.

I know that you made a mistake but your mistake does not define you. I still love you. I still value you. I still want you.

I want to go on. I want to make new memories with you. I want to be happy again. This is my wish. My heart's desire.

I hope that this is what you still want. What you will always want.

I will love you forever.

Your Devoted Wife.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
325 days. Struck down but not destroyed.

Change

Day 37: Saturday. We went out as a family and had a fun day. I was so tired. It is hard for me to realize that I am still unable to do as much as I want to do since I had the surgery. I am so over this. 4 weeks cannot come soon enough when I will be cleared to lift my babies again. I just hope that between now and then I also get some energy back.

The holidays are just around the corner and I am feeling happy that our family is together. The thought of the season with us apart instantly brings me to tears. I hope that he is in this for real this time.

I was thinking the other night about how I want to be towards my husband. I do believe that he messed up, and messed up in a BIG way, but I do not believe that that qualifies me for treating him with disrespect. I haven't had too much trouble with keeping my thoughts in check or holding my tongue when I do have thoughts that, if I allowed myself to verbalize, would hurt him (and us) in the long run. I think what it all boils down to is the fact that I care about his feelings. I know that many would say that he does not deserve for me to treat him kindly but I have to disagree. He is still the man that I love and I do not see how tearing him down would be justified because he made a terrible mistake. I know that he has feelings and I intend to keep them intact as best as I can without sacrificing my own healing.

Looking at that from another angle though, he has been on the receiving end of all of my emotions. He knows that he put us here and that means working through all of this if we are going to be happy again.

Day 38: Sunday. If only I had to deal with this while I was awake.

Saturday night I was plagued with terrible nightmares. I kept waking up from one only to fall back asleep and have a completely different nightmare. It was awful. I woke up feeling completely drained and in a somber mood. I knew the day held its own set of challenges because of that.

I was quick to let my husband know about the nightmares and how I was feeling so that he could help me through the day. Hour by hour we worked through the day together but despite my (and I believe his) best efforts it slowly became more than I could handle. After a minor confrontation things quickly spiraled out of control and I shut down. I felt like he was telling me that something I was doing was not good enough (something domestic and unimportant in the grand scheme of things) and that is a feeling that I already struggle with on such a deep level. It caused so much pain and so much soul searching for answers that I do not have.

At some point, I told my husband that he was reminding me of himself during the affairs. I can't be sure but, I think that if he would have been pouring all of himself into our marriage instead of being out selfishly getting what he "wanted", then he would have had more to give to me. I think he would have been more understanding, more patient, more kind...I think he would have loved deeper and with all of him. So again, I can't be sure but, I think that the way that he reacted to our argument was reminiscent of the man that he no longer wants to be.

He didn't say much, that I remember, when I told him that I didn't like how he was acting towards me but apparently he walked away and thought about it because soon enough he apologized about how he had acted and told me that he is working on being a different, better man.

I am glad to say that I can see this. I can see change happening. 

Once we put the babies to bed we watched a movie (why does every freaking movie have something to do with an affair?!?!). The movie itself was sad and somehow we ended up talking about some things.

I don't even know how the night ended how it did but I was asking questions and I ended up in a sobbing mess before I passed out eventually.

Oh, when can this be over?

Day 39: He let me sleep in. I really am so grateful for how he has picked up so much slack lately. Between the emotions I am dealing with over his infidelity and recovery from the surgery I feel useless sometimes. He has been so helpful and has not complained once, that I can remember.

Today was hard though. I feel like a mess again after last night. I feel like I have taken the inevitable "two steps forward, one step back". We are still coming out ahead but at a cost.

I am sitting here feeling like I am really about to fall apart and up pops a message from my husband.

Hey. I just want you to know that I miss you a lot. I love you so much and feel so blessed that you are my wife. I want you to know that I will hold you anytime you need to cry. I will continue to do whatever you need me to do until we get through this. I want YOU. I choose YOU. Thank you for choosing to stay with ME. YOU make me complete and I am so so sorry for the unthinkably horrible things that I did to US. I love you [Babe].

 I really needed this right now. While we were chatting he also added

I'm not going anywhere... and by that I mean the [me with more clarity]

I will hold you for as long as you need

Goodness, what I would give to have had this before all of the affairs.

Back on subject. -- Change. That is the word that has been in my head all night.

It is harder than I can tell you to put into words the emptiness that comes from knowing that he was not completely committed. That he was not loving me with all of him. That he wasn't always thinking about me or even us. It hurts. Hurts me in that dark, raw place that now exists.

I guess, all I can do now though is accept the change. The change that I see, and feel, happening. My husband, though he can say some very hurtful things, has always been generous with his kind words. Never can I point out a period of time when he has failed to compliment me, shower me with his praises of what a wonderful wife and mother I am, or tell me of his love for me. If his love were based on words alone I would have no doubt about how he feels for me.

Lately though, he has taken this to a whole new level. I cannot tell you how many times today alone he has told me that he loves me. I can really feel that he has a new love, a deeper love, for me and it feels good. Here's to hoping that his actions continue to mimic his words.

 326 days. L-O-V-E

Vulnerable

Day 36: I'm ready. I'm ready to be vulnerable again. I'm ready to feel loved again. The fear has left. I know that I love him and I want to move forward. What happened cannot be undone. We can't go back. I wish that we could but we can't so here we go. Life is too short to hang onto this pain and let it consume me. I want to make this the best that it can be and I want to be happy again.

I know there is still going to be pain. I know there are still going to be bad days...really bad days. I know that the road is still long and unpredictable. I am not going to let that stop us though. I am not going to stop us. My husband has committed himself to fixing him and us and I am going to give him fully the gift of forgiveness and reconciliation.

I believe that I could hang onto this but it would destroy me and I don't want to be destroyed. I want to live a happy life, full of love and laughter. I feel peaceful knowing that there were some really big pieces of me that my husband found and put back together. That he has been working hard since breaking me to repair me. Oh, how I wish that we could have had what we have now without all of this. Oh, I cannot even tell you. But again, we can't. We can't go back so we MUST go forward and I WANT to.

I know that he could hurt me again. I know that he has the power to break me again but I will not let that stop me. I will not let fear rule in my heart.

The book of Isaiah has tons of good truths to meditate on but this one really hits home right now.

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10

I knew the night that I gave my husband a second chance at our love that it was not going to be easy. At the time all I knew was that I couldn't end it never knowing if we could have fixed it. I also knew that I was committing all over knowing that I was in this for the long haul all over again. I knew that he loved me. I knew that he wanted to try again. I knew that he was sorry.

What I didn't know what just how much he loved me. Just how much he was going to try again. And just how sorry he was.

That night I was also giving myself back over to him to care for.

What I didn't give him that night though was ALL of me. I was holding back afraid of the hurt. I was always honest about how I felt and never held any my emotions back but I was holding a piece of my heart back. Hanging on to what I thought was going to save me if he did this to me again. Last night I realized that I don't want to do that. I don't want to fool myself into thinking that if he ever does this again that hanging on to a little piece of my heart would save me from the pain. That hanging on to it would make me stronger or less vulnerable. It won't. It was a lie that I was telling myself. More than that though...if we make it, if we save this love, and I am very hopeful that we will, I don't want to look back and know that there was a part of me that wasn't there. That I still hadn't given all of me back to him and to us.

So here I am.

Am I scared? A little, but I'm not going to let that stop me.
Am I foolish? Some would probably say yes. I'd like to think no, I'm courageous.
Am I vulnerable? Yes, but I'm ready for it.

329 days. Trading My Sorrows. ♥

Engraved on the Stone

Day 34: Yesterday was just another day in our life. Can't honestly remember much.

Day 35: Today I decided that I am putting all of me into this. I had already decided this on some level but today I really decided to let myself be here and present. I know that I can only control me and ultimately my husband is the one who is going to decide whether or not our marriage works. I am here. I never left. I am giving everything to fix this. I have a lot of hope.

More on this later.

Engraved on the Stone

Two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey,
They had an argument;
And one friend slapped the other one in the face.

The one who got slapped was hurt,
But without saying anything,
Wrote in the sand:
"Today my best friend
Slapped me in the face."

They kept on walking,
Until they found an oasis,
Where they decided to take a bath
The one who had been slapped
Got stuck in the mire and started drowning,
But the friend saved him.

After he recovered from the near drowning,
He wrote on a stone:
"Today my best friend
Saved my life."

The friend who had slapped
And saved his best friend asked him,
"After I hurt you,
You wrote in the sand and now,
You write on a stone, why?"

The friend replied
"When someone hurts us
We should write it down in sand,
Where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us,
We must engrave it in stone
Where no wind can ever erase it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Learn to write your hurts in the sand
And to carve your benefits on the stone.

330 days.

STUCK

Day 33: Wow. I still have moments where I think that I am going to wake up from this. That it is all going to be a nightmare.

I still can't believe that this happened to us. I thought that we were so happy. That we had found a nice rut that made us happy. We were so busy as a family. We took the kids somewhere fun almost every weekend. We really made the most of our time. We did everything together and I thought that was the way that it was supposed to be. I thought that we were in this to make each other happy and in turn we would be happy. I sure was.

Now, I just don't know what to make of it all before. Almost all of my memories are tainted. He cheated on me once within weeks of our first anniversary and then started cheating on me again weeks after our third anniversary for over two and a half years. I believe than none of the other women meant anything to him. They were just new and exciting and fun. Something that I cannot compete with. How can I ever be enough just being me?

I feel like the very thing that he was after was now what he has stolen from us. There are so many things that I feel like I cannot give to him anymore. Things that I thought were just between the two of us. The thought of those things now only bring sadness, emptiness, hurt, betrayal, insecurity, pain, and anxiety. I feel like some things can never be special again.

 

I wish we could go back. I wish I could somehow fix all of this. But I know I can't. Even if we could go back I cannot fix him. I cannot make right the things that were wrong that he did not tell me about. The things that he did not even give me a fighting chance to help him fix. But I still wish that it could be like it was before.

I want to be happy again. I want to be myself again. I want to be free again.

I feel like nothing is new anymore. He has told me everything (I hope), I have run the gamut of emotions and back more times than I can count, and there are very few questions left to ask. I feel stuck. I have no idea how to move out of this stage of just going through the motions. That is exactly how I feel everyday. I feel too tired some days to let myself process so I just carry on with life's duties. I don't want to just go through the motions though. I want to feel happy in my soul and I don't.

This is hard -- I think walking away would have been easier in many ways -- but I hope that it is worth it.

332 days. Praising God in this storm.

The First Month

Day 30 & 31: This weekend went by in a blur. I was in a lot of pain from the surgery and that combined with the medication that they prescribed made for a lot of sleepy time. I did see a nice side of my husband as he worked to take care of the babies, the house and me. I like this side of him.

My husband had a lot of insight this weekend looking at me in pain. He was commenting on how he has never seen me in this much pain, how I have birthed 3 babies without any drugs, and how as bad as this is that I must be hurting that much more inside. As hollow as it makes me feel to know that he can recognize the pain that I am in it relieves me to know that at least he notices and cares. 

Day 32: Well it's official: this has been the worst month of my life by far. In one way I am glad that it is over but overall I am just incredibly sad that I had to endure this ordeal. What is worse than that though is that this is not over, no where even close to being over, and that only increases my sadness.

I am a sad, sad mess and the inside of me is a raw, dark place but it is not how I want to stay. OK some days I think that is what I want. To stay in this sadness -- it seems easier than working through the pain sometimes, to stay disconnected from my feelings, and to avoid asking anymore hard questions but really I want to move on. To heal and feel happy again. To trust and be vulnerable again. To live and let go again. That is what I really want so...despite the inner struggle going on I have been trying to choose to look at the blessings that are in my life and, as strange as it seems (believe me it is strange to me too), to look for the silver lining in all of this.

I read this from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and I have been focusing on this.

The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history. Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. And it may still hurt, but he has acknowledged his failure and asked your forgiveness. We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is an expression of love. "I love you. I care about you, and I choose to forgive you. Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience. You are not a failure because you have failed. You are my spouse, and together we will go on from here."

This is REALLY, really hard to cling to but I am going to read it and reread it until I can almost quote it. I decided weeks ago that I was not going to live with one foot out the door. I am not going to miss out on what we could make of our wounded love waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is much easier said than done and I most certainly struggle with this more often than I am successful at this point but I am determined. I am determined to let this become all that it can be. I am determined to feel loved again. I am determined to be happy again.

I am still grieving the loss of what we once had, what I thought we had and what will never have but I am not going to let that keep me in a dark place. If nothing else, I owe it to myself to find happiness again, beyond that I owe it to my babies and I owe it to my husband who is working hard to repair this hurt after I promised him another chance at our love.

333 days. My husband makes me happy and I'm not afraid to admit it.