Day 107: Saturday we were going to drive 3 hours to go shopping for a new carseat for our little man. That was the plan. However, my husband got this fantastic idea to go to an indoor water park resort for the night. After considering and reconsidering we decided to wait a day and go on Sunday. We spent Saturday gathering groceries and other things to offset some of the cost.
We were out most of the day running errands and just enjoying time out of the house after being cooped up for so long. It was a very pleasant day.
Day 108: We woke up and went to church. We have been planning on going to church for a long time but just finally made the commitment. We tried out a new church and, though it's not the right fit for our family, we really enjoyed ourselves and are so happy that we made the first step at finding a new family to worship with. The message was on tithing but there were still some points that the Pastor made that left me wondering if my husband was thinking about them and how they applied to our life as it is now.
After we left church, we came back home, grabbed the rest of the things that we needed and headed to the water park. We made a small pit stop to drop off the car that we had been borrowing and then continued on our way.
We pulled up to the resort and it was so grand. It is a somewhat local attraction to us but one that I have never visited. We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening swimming and playing and really unwinding from life. I felt so happy the whole night.
Once we got the babies settled in -- they conked out pretty easily after a day of swimming -- we snuggled up together, watched a little tv, had a snack and then turned in early. I knew all along that there was going to be some loving going on and I was totally on board. What I did not expect was the intense trigger that was going to come along.
All of the women he paid were met in a hotel room. I knew this but I thought I could overcome it without a meltdown. Wrong. We were all cuddled up together and my mind was going in every direction. I could not relax. My husband was being so loving and finally backed off a bit and said that he didn't know why but he felt like he should tell me that he never got under the covers with any of the women. I can't say that it made it all better -- I mean, he still had sex with them -- but it did comfort me knowing that he recognized that I was not doing well. I cried and he held me and told me that if I just wanted to cuddle that he understood (the way he said this was so heartfelt and sincere). I just let him hold me and melt away my sadness and then we made love.
Day 109: The babies slept in but we still had time to eat breakfast, pack up our things, and play in the water some more before we left to come back home. What a lovely getaway this was for us. I'm so glad that my husband created a beautiful weekend for our family.
Ten years ago today.
Ten years ago I met my husband for the first time.
Ten years ago I fell in love, though I didn't know it.
Ten years ago my breathe caught in my throat when I saw him.
Ten years ago I saw him and felt different than I ever had before.
Ten years ago I saw him and felt different than I ever have again.
Ten years ago I met my best friend.
Ten years ago still gives me butterflies to think about.
Ten years ago I gave my heart away.
Ten years ago today was the best day of my life.
I think I have smiled more today than I have in a long time.
256 days. When God made you, He must have been thinking about me.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Van
Day 104: I broke the computer charger but my husband picked one up for me on his way home.
Day 105: Praise the Lord, we found a van. It was a long day but we worked together and got a van for our family. We took the babies out last night to celebrate but didn't go too far because it was snowing. Here's to hoping that this will shake the cabin fever!
Day 106: I woke up with a migraine and my husband aced today. He was so kind and gentle and loving. He told me to sleep in but I ended up getting up anyways because it was not going away. A little bit later he told me to lay down and rest while he took the babies and made lunch. I woke up to the most delicious smelling lunch and my head was feeling so much better.
We had a good week. I had a rough night the other night and was telling my husband that it is harder than ever right now. That I am scared that I will never really be happy again. I was a little shy about telling him (this is a first) because I was afraid that I would scare him into thinking that there is no point in trying when it seems to be getting us nowhere fast but he surprised me. He told me that he is more determined than ever to help me heal. He held me and let me cry and really was a comfort to me.
This weekend I think we are going to try a new church (now that we have a van to get us all there). I am excited and nervous. I think it is just what we need right now, though.
259 days. I love him.
Day 105: Praise the Lord, we found a van. It was a long day but we worked together and got a van for our family. We took the babies out last night to celebrate but didn't go too far because it was snowing. Here's to hoping that this will shake the cabin fever!
Day 106: I woke up with a migraine and my husband aced today. He was so kind and gentle and loving. He told me to sleep in but I ended up getting up anyways because it was not going away. A little bit later he told me to lay down and rest while he took the babies and made lunch. I woke up to the most delicious smelling lunch and my head was feeling so much better.
We had a good week. I had a rough night the other night and was telling my husband that it is harder than ever right now. That I am scared that I will never really be happy again. I was a little shy about telling him (this is a first) because I was afraid that I would scare him into thinking that there is no point in trying when it seems to be getting us nowhere fast but he surprised me. He told me that he is more determined than ever to help me heal. He held me and let me cry and really was a comfort to me.
This weekend I think we are going to try a new church (now that we have a van to get us all there). I am excited and nervous. I think it is just what we need right now, though.
259 days. I love him.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
We're Rich
Day 103: We're rich. Rich in love!
That's something I've been telling my little man since he was...well, little. He says it sporadically now and it just melts my heart. Someday I hope all of my babies feel that way.
I've always been rich...in love. I think it is the best (and only) way to live a happy life. I could leave it all behind as long as I had my husband and my little people with me. They are life. They are what makes it what it is. Everything else is just stuff.
Sometimes I ponder what life would be like if we all just loved a little more. Wouldn't it be a better place? I sure think so. Wouldn't life be better if we stopped to think about others more often and ourselves a little less. I think love is the only thing worth living for. The only thing worth stopping for. The only thing that keeps us going. Without love there is nothing.
God loves us so much that He gave His only Son to die for us. As a youngster when I was saved I never quite understood the significance of that. Now, as a mother, it brings tears to my eyes. God loves us SO much. SO much that He gave His ONLY Son?!?! Think about that. His ONLY Son. The piece of His heart that nothing else can fill.
I love my babies so much. More than I could ever put into words.
That's something I've been telling my little man since he was...well, little. He says it sporadically now and it just melts my heart. Someday I hope all of my babies feel that way.
I've always been rich...in love. I think it is the best (and only) way to live a happy life. I could leave it all behind as long as I had my husband and my little people with me. They are life. They are what makes it what it is. Everything else is just stuff.
Sometimes I ponder what life would be like if we all just loved a little more. Wouldn't it be a better place? I sure think so. Wouldn't life be better if we stopped to think about others more often and ourselves a little less. I think love is the only thing worth living for. The only thing worth stopping for. The only thing that keeps us going. Without love there is nothing.
God loves us so much that He gave His only Son to die for us. As a youngster when I was saved I never quite understood the significance of that. Now, as a mother, it brings tears to my eyes. God loves us SO much. SO much that He gave His ONLY Son?!?! Think about that. His ONLY Son. The piece of His heart that nothing else can fill.
I love my babies so much. More than I could ever put into words.
No one else will ever know the strength
of my LOVE for you. After all, you're the
only one who knows what my heart
sounds like from the inside.
Love. I need more. We all need more. We all need to give more.
Things have been a little rough lately. I pray though that my husband feels loved. He is. More than he'll ever know. No one will ever love him the way that I do. No one will ever love him for who he is like I do. No one will ever love him for all of his triumphs and failures. No one will ever love him as much as the Lord created me to. No one will ever love him for growing up together. No one will ever love him for learning life together. No one will ever love him for standing strong together. No one will ever love him for becoming parents together. No one will ever love him for promising forever to one another. He is loved. He will always be loved.
262 days. LOVE.
Monday, January 24, 2011
On the Mend
Day 99: Thursday night (after having already been sick for almost 3 whole days) it hit me really hard. I couldn't keep any food or drink in me. I woke up Friday morning and it was more of the same. I tried drinking some water but not even that would stay in my stomach. Oh my. I have not been that sick in a long time.
By Friday evening I had lost 6 pounds in the previous two days but I was able to hold in some Miso soup. Praise the Lord for that suggestion from my friend. I ate a few small servings of that throughout the afternoon and evening and just tried to take it as easy as possible.
Day 100: He told me the night before to sleep in and he would take care of the babies. And so...I did. I slept (off and on) until 11:30. It felt really good. I woke up feeling much better but very weak from the four days before. I had hardly eaten and now had lost seven pounds -- my husband informed me that there are better ways to lose weight...HA! By now though, I was going crazy so against my better judgment I got up and started cleaning the mess that had become of my house. I did overdo it a bit I didn't overdo it to the point of getting sick again, but it put me in a better mood.
We arranged for some family to come over and watch the babies so that we could go out and look at a van. We are trying so desperately to find something inexpensive but reliable so that we can still have plenty of money to move to Hawaii. The endeavor has been nothing short of challenging, stressful, and at times hopeless. So we took the littlest baby with us to look at what turned out to be a lemon. Boo. It was a long -- cold -- day but we came home and made dinner for our family guests and then spent the evening playing cards, chatting, and laughing our heads off.
Day 101: The nightmares are back and they are BAD. I had the worst one so far and it was with me all day. When I told my husband that I had a nightmare and he asked me what it was about I could not even make myself say it out loud. We both agreed that we need to pray every night for peaceful sleep.
It was a lazy but productive day. I folded and he put away Mount Laundry. I tackled some other things that really needed attention and he spent some of the day looking at vans that both turned out to be duds. Ugh, I hate car shopping. We ended the night watching a movie with the kids and then we watched a few things and went to bed too.
I mentioned to him that lately (and not just while I was sick) I feel like he has been less affectionate to me. He said that it is hard to feel rejected and I have not been very receptive lately so he was keeping some distance. I told him that I have suffered the ultimate rejection (though typing that now I realize that's not true because he didn't walk away on the arm of another woman but...) and that I am still here trying. I still put my heart on the line despite the hurt I feel. He also said that he didn't feel like I wanted him close. I explained to him that when I am down and feeling insecure that is, more than ever, when I need to feel like he cares about me and wants me. I think before I was even finished telling him what I had to say he had already gotten it. It had already clicked. I really hope now that I am over this stomach bug that we can resume our normal routine and that things will start looking up again.
Day 102: A lazy Monday. I caught up on some overdo orders this morning with help from my husband cutting and labeling packages for me. It was such a sweet gesture when he walked to the other end of the house to help without me asking him. I still have a lot of work to catch up on but...one day at a time, right? A girl can only do so much.
The last week went by in a haze. I am feeling much better though and I have a lot of hope that things are going to take a turn for the better. My posts are lacking but I wanted to document a few things that I do remember from the last several days, though I cannot remember exactly when they happened.
*We were all (all five of us) laying in bed one morning and I said, "This is nice." He responded by saying, "This is what it's all about." I agree with him.
*I was woken up almost every morning in the last week with a foot rub.
*My husband was really, really patient with the babies while I was sick and even more patient with me.
*I got upset a few times this weekend. Once he said, "I know you are upset and I don't know what to do but I am trying to react correctly." (Wow.) Another time he said, "I am reacting just like I did before and I can't do that anymore." (Another wow.) There were a few other things that he said that were as equally as hopeful that he is really working hard to overcome this hurdle.
263 days. On the mend.
By Friday evening I had lost 6 pounds in the previous two days but I was able to hold in some Miso soup. Praise the Lord for that suggestion from my friend. I ate a few small servings of that throughout the afternoon and evening and just tried to take it as easy as possible.
Day 100: He told me the night before to sleep in and he would take care of the babies. And so...I did. I slept (off and on) until 11:30. It felt really good. I woke up feeling much better but very weak from the four days before. I had hardly eaten and now had lost seven pounds -- my husband informed me that there are better ways to lose weight...HA! By now though, I was going crazy so against my better judgment I got up and started cleaning the mess that had become of my house. I did overdo it a bit I didn't overdo it to the point of getting sick again, but it put me in a better mood.
We arranged for some family to come over and watch the babies so that we could go out and look at a van. We are trying so desperately to find something inexpensive but reliable so that we can still have plenty of money to move to Hawaii. The endeavor has been nothing short of challenging, stressful, and at times hopeless. So we took the littlest baby with us to look at what turned out to be a lemon. Boo. It was a long -- cold -- day but we came home and made dinner for our family guests and then spent the evening playing cards, chatting, and laughing our heads off.
Day 101: The nightmares are back and they are BAD. I had the worst one so far and it was with me all day. When I told my husband that I had a nightmare and he asked me what it was about I could not even make myself say it out loud. We both agreed that we need to pray every night for peaceful sleep.
It was a lazy but productive day. I folded and he put away Mount Laundry. I tackled some other things that really needed attention and he spent some of the day looking at vans that both turned out to be duds. Ugh, I hate car shopping. We ended the night watching a movie with the kids and then we watched a few things and went to bed too.
I mentioned to him that lately (and not just while I was sick) I feel like he has been less affectionate to me. He said that it is hard to feel rejected and I have not been very receptive lately so he was keeping some distance. I told him that I have suffered the ultimate rejection (though typing that now I realize that's not true because he didn't walk away on the arm of another woman but...) and that I am still here trying. I still put my heart on the line despite the hurt I feel. He also said that he didn't feel like I wanted him close. I explained to him that when I am down and feeling insecure that is, more than ever, when I need to feel like he cares about me and wants me. I think before I was even finished telling him what I had to say he had already gotten it. It had already clicked. I really hope now that I am over this stomach bug that we can resume our normal routine and that things will start looking up again.
Day 102: A lazy Monday. I caught up on some overdo orders this morning with help from my husband cutting and labeling packages for me. It was such a sweet gesture when he walked to the other end of the house to help without me asking him. I still have a lot of work to catch up on but...one day at a time, right? A girl can only do so much.
The last week went by in a haze. I am feeling much better though and I have a lot of hope that things are going to take a turn for the better. My posts are lacking but I wanted to document a few things that I do remember from the last several days, though I cannot remember exactly when they happened.
*We were all (all five of us) laying in bed one morning and I said, "This is nice." He responded by saying, "This is what it's all about." I agree with him.
*I was woken up almost every morning in the last week with a foot rub.
*My husband was really, really patient with the babies while I was sick and even more patient with me.
*I got upset a few times this weekend. Once he said, "I know you are upset and I don't know what to do but I am trying to react correctly." (Wow.) Another time he said, "I am reacting just like I did before and I can't do that anymore." (Another wow.) There were a few other things that he said that were as equally as hopeful that he is really working hard to overcome this hurdle.
263 days. On the mend.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Crochet
Day 97: I was down all day with what seems to be the flu. My husband was really sweet and got me all set up on the couch before he left for work. Got the heating pad and a big blanket and then got the kids a video to watch on the computer. He then came home at bedtime and got them ready, tucked in and to sleep. I promptly fell asleep after he left to go back to work.
Day 98: Still sick and he's getting it too.
I was crocheting today and as I was working through the stitches I couldn't help but feel like it was similar to our marriage. This is the first single crochet project that I've done in awhile and it takes a long time for them to amount to much. But stitch by stitch I keep going and within a few days from now it will be a fun little purse for a sweet little girl.
The other night I was eighteen rows into the project and I noticed a mistake in row four. After gathering myself I started pulling out the stitches so that I could fix the error. It was painful but necessary. Eight rows later (again) I realized that when I pulled it out I did not pull out row four so off again I went to ripping. This time it took the drive out of me and I had to lay it down for a few days.
It reminds me so much of our marriage though. Sometimes you have to go back and fix things because they are not going to go away. Sometimes you think you fix it only to realize that it's still there. And then there are those refreshing times when you pick it back up and realize that there is more there than you remembered. The former are hard to handle sometimes but rewarding when you look back and see that it is done properly and the latter...well, those are the times that give me a boost in my motivation.
267 days. One stitch at a time.
Day 98: Still sick and he's getting it too.
I was crocheting today and as I was working through the stitches I couldn't help but feel like it was similar to our marriage. This is the first single crochet project that I've done in awhile and it takes a long time for them to amount to much. But stitch by stitch I keep going and within a few days from now it will be a fun little purse for a sweet little girl.
The other night I was eighteen rows into the project and I noticed a mistake in row four. After gathering myself I started pulling out the stitches so that I could fix the error. It was painful but necessary. Eight rows later (again) I realized that when I pulled it out I did not pull out row four so off again I went to ripping. This time it took the drive out of me and I had to lay it down for a few days.
It reminds me so much of our marriage though. Sometimes you have to go back and fix things because they are not going to go away. Sometimes you think you fix it only to realize that it's still there. And then there are those refreshing times when you pick it back up and realize that there is more there than you remembered. The former are hard to handle sometimes but rewarding when you look back and see that it is done properly and the latter...well, those are the times that give me a boost in my motivation.
267 days. One stitch at a time.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Mount Laundry
Day 96: I'm getting sick...again. I have been feeling, for the last week or so, like my body is starting to feel the effects of all of this stress. My naturally clear skin is terribly blemished right now (but who knows, that could be from my hormones starting to level back out). My head is aching. I can feel that my blood pressure has been high. I'm sure my immune system is fighting harder these days. I need to at least start taking some echinacea to give it a boost.
My little man was praying tonight and he asked Jesus to "please help all of my family stay healthy". I believe God will answer his prayer.
My bedroom looks like Mount Laundry and I am avoiding it. Maybe tomorrow...
269 days. So tired tonight.
My little man was praying tonight and he asked Jesus to "please help all of my family stay healthy". I believe God will answer his prayer.
My bedroom looks like Mount Laundry and I am avoiding it. Maybe tomorrow...
269 days. So tired tonight.
Monday, January 17, 2011
A Miracle
Day 93: It's all been a blur. I woke up quite numb on Saturday from having been set into panic mode on Friday. I left to run some errands -- the insurance company finally sent the check for our totaled van -- and when I came home my husband had to leave for a massage appointment. (Yes, he got a massage for his birthday and I encouraged it. Mine is scheduled for Thursday!) While he was gone I checked my email and I found this response from him having read my blog post from the night before.
To know that I have done this to you is a pain like no other. It's like knowing that you literally stuck a knife in your best friend's back. Except you ARE my Best Friend and I HAVE stuck a knife in your back. The pain that you are in and the emotional turmoil is so undeserved by you and so unfair. There are literally only a few things I wouldn't give up to take it all away from you or even to trade you places.
You said I'm bending over backwards and you're still empty. I can bend further. And if still doesn't help, I'll keep bending.
I know it's easy to think that I'm motivated by guilt. And to a very small extent, that is true. But 99% of my motivation comes from the fact that my eyes have been opened to what I have had all along: something that most men spend their whole lives seeking. You are a beautiful, loving, devoted, God loving, beautiful (yes you look so good, I'm mentioning it twice) wife and you are the most incredible mother that I've ever seen. I want to be the dedicated, thoughtful, adoring, God-fearing, handsome husband that you deserve.
That is my motivation. I am an opportunist. I see an opportunity for something spectacular in our marriage. An opportunity that was there all along. One that I did SO MUCH to lose yet, somehow, by the grace of God still exists.
Dear God: Thank you for your mercy and grace for such an undeserving son. I do not need any more chances. I will make the most out of this one and I will accomplish the important work that you obviously have planned for me. I love You. Amen.
Day 94: I fell asleep in the middle of a heated discussion. (I rarely do this and get on my husband when he does it.) I felt really bad when I woke up. We were both in bad moods from the night before and needed to finish talking about what we had been discussing. That did not go well. At all. UGH!
I ended up yelling again and used a curse word (I don't curse). I hate it. I hate that this has made me compromise my standards. I feel terribly guilty for allowing myself to get that upset. I tried to walk away but I was too tired to leave the bed and so I just laid back down and it got worse after that.
I think something finally took hold for my husband though. Ya know, he does everything (or darn near) right when it comes to me being sad, scared, insecure, blase, mopey...but the minute I get angry and he just still does not handle it right. I thought last weekend he got it but I guess I was mistaken.
When things finally calmed down, he came to me and apologized and assured me that he knows what he has to do. I suppose we'll see.
The rest of the day was ok. I was still feeling pretty beat up from the last 36 hours. Up and down. Up and down. I felt all day like I was losing hope.
I know I want it. I am fighting for it. I am fighting for it when all I want to do is give up. I am not going to quit until we fix it or he gives up his fight and I pray that he does not give up his fight.
Day 95: My husband was gentle with me today. This morning he let me sleep in while he took care of all of the babies. It was a step in the right direction of feeling recovered from the emotional assault of the past few days. This weekend was, I think it's safe to say, our roughest yet. Here I was busy getting stronger (or so I thought) while this roller coaster was gearing up to take me on a ride that I could not have anticipated. It definitely left me bruised. If, somehow, I can get myself through the next few days without a major meltdown I think it will be a miracle, and so, that is what I am praying for.
270 days. A miracle for myself. A miracle for my marriage.
I ended up yelling again and used a curse word (I don't curse). I hate it. I hate that this has made me compromise my standards. I feel terribly guilty for allowing myself to get that upset. I tried to walk away but I was too tired to leave the bed and so I just laid back down and it got worse after that.
I think something finally took hold for my husband though. Ya know, he does everything (or darn near) right when it comes to me being sad, scared, insecure, blase, mopey...but the minute I get angry and he just still does not handle it right. I thought last weekend he got it but I guess I was mistaken.
When things finally calmed down, he came to me and apologized and assured me that he knows what he has to do. I suppose we'll see.
The rest of the day was ok. I was still feeling pretty beat up from the last 36 hours. Up and down. Up and down. I felt all day like I was losing hope.
I know I want it. I am fighting for it. I am fighting for it when all I want to do is give up. I am not going to quit until we fix it or he gives up his fight and I pray that he does not give up his fight.
Day 95: My husband was gentle with me today. This morning he let me sleep in while he took care of all of the babies. It was a step in the right direction of feeling recovered from the emotional assault of the past few days. This weekend was, I think it's safe to say, our roughest yet. Here I was busy getting stronger (or so I thought) while this roller coaster was gearing up to take me on a ride that I could not have anticipated. It definitely left me bruised. If, somehow, I can get myself through the next few days without a major meltdown I think it will be a miracle, and so, that is what I am praying for.
270 days. A miracle for myself. A miracle for my marriage.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Empty
Day 92: I'm hurting. Really hurting. All the pain is rushing back at an overwhelming pace. I can't take it all right now. I'm tired and worn out. I need a break. I don't know how to process all of this. I can't go at this speed right now. It's taking me under. It's consuming me. I can't run fast enough.
I'm sad and lonely and devastated. My heart is broken and my soul is crushed.
How could this have happened? Why didn't I realize what was going on? It lasted for years. Everything that I look back on is tainted. EVERYTHING. I can't get away from it.
I somehow have to figure out how to sort this all out and then cope with it. I don't know how though. I'm forever changed and I don't know how to be me anymore. I don't know how to be strong anymore. I don't know how to fight when all I want to do is give up. It's so hard. It's so, so, SO hard. It hurts more than anything.
My chest aches. My stomach is in knots.
He's bending over backwards and I am still empty. I'm falling apart.
273 days. "God just hold me. God just catch me."
I'm sad and lonely and devastated. My heart is broken and my soul is crushed.
How could this have happened? Why didn't I realize what was going on? It lasted for years. Everything that I look back on is tainted. EVERYTHING. I can't get away from it.
I somehow have to figure out how to sort this all out and then cope with it. I don't know how though. I'm forever changed and I don't know how to be me anymore. I don't know how to be strong anymore. I don't know how to fight when all I want to do is give up. It's so hard. It's so, so, SO hard. It hurts more than anything.
My chest aches. My stomach is in knots.
He's bending over backwards and I am still empty. I'm falling apart.
273 days. "God just hold me. God just catch me."
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Alone
Day 91: "Some of the most exciting things as a kid were the ones that I was not normally allowed to do." YIKES!
That is what my husband said to me today during a series of spirited conversations about an unrelated conversation about him and our son.
This brings back all of the feelings of inadequacy. I cannot compete with this. I cannot compete with new and different and forbidden. I cannot.
I don't even know what to say. He recognized that he uncovered this truth today. He says he is going to dig into it. He wants to fix himself.
I'm just tired. I'm running on fumes lately...
I love him. I really love him. I'm still here. I'm still trying to heal. I'm still working on this but I am so darn tired. When will this get better? When will this not be so hard? When will I get a break from all of this?
Last night I was laying in bed. The house was quiet. My husband was on one side of me sleeping, my baby on the other. I lay there and I felt so alone. I felt like I was the only one awake on the whole earth. It was a really empty and lonely feeling. Good thing I was exhausted and fell asleep within minutes.
Why do I feel like that though? Why, when I am, literally, surrounded by the people that I love, do I feel so alone?
My heart hurts. My tears come so easy and often these days. My soul aches.
I want a different life. I want my old life. I want it all back. I know it was all messed up...but in my head it wasn't.
He's trying, I can tell, but something is not working. There is still something missing. Maybe it is that something that we will never have again. The innocence. The purity. The security.
274 days. Part of "the why" was discovered today.
That is what my husband said to me today during a series of spirited conversations about an unrelated conversation about him and our son.
This brings back all of the feelings of inadequacy. I cannot compete with this. I cannot compete with new and different and forbidden. I cannot.
I don't even know what to say. He recognized that he uncovered this truth today. He says he is going to dig into it. He wants to fix himself.
I'm just tired. I'm running on fumes lately...
I love him. I really love him. I'm still here. I'm still trying to heal. I'm still working on this but I am so darn tired. When will this get better? When will this not be so hard? When will I get a break from all of this?
Last night I was laying in bed. The house was quiet. My husband was on one side of me sleeping, my baby on the other. I lay there and I felt so alone. I felt like I was the only one awake on the whole earth. It was a really empty and lonely feeling. Good thing I was exhausted and fell asleep within minutes.
Why do I feel like that though? Why, when I am, literally, surrounded by the people that I love, do I feel so alone?
My heart hurts. My tears come so easy and often these days. My soul aches.
I want a different life. I want my old life. I want it all back. I know it was all messed up...but in my head it wasn't.
He's trying, I can tell, but something is not working. There is still something missing. Maybe it is that something that we will never have again. The innocence. The purity. The security.
274 days. Part of "the why" was discovered today.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Words
Day 90: This is what my Wordle looks like since I started this blog almost three months ago. I am curious to see what it will look like in another three months.
Words that make me happy to see in large text.
- Love
- Man
- Husband
- Feel
- Marriage
- Always
- Laugh
- Sweet
- Best
- God (need to get that one BIGGER!)
Words that I hope are smaller in three months time.
- Broken
- Angry
- Sad
- Hurting
- Never
- Took
- Go
- Needed
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
5 - 5 and under!
Day 89: I had five kids five years and under today. My three, my niece, and a friend's little one. I am beat so this will be short.
One of the gifts that our friend sent to us was a box of love postcards. My husband packed his own lunch today and right before he left I noticed the box of cards in his bag.
He's on the right track.
276 days. L-O-V-E
One of the gifts that our friend sent to us was a box of love postcards. My husband packed his own lunch today and right before he left I noticed the box of cards in his bag.
He's on the right track.
276 days. L-O-V-E
Monday, January 10, 2011
Anger Visits
Day 86: Friday night was terrible. We were up chatting and it turned into a big argument. I got angry (ANGRY). Angry like I haven't been in a long time and certainly not since I found out about the affairs. I told him to go away from me and he wouldn't. It got bad. I was crying and yelling and fighting with all of me not to lose all control. He finally walked out of the room and when he came back in I was fine for a minute until he said something else that sent me right back over the edge and I again told him to leave me alone. When he came back again he finally had some sense to tread lightly and try to get things under control. After a lot of talking I came around and let him come over and hug me. We smoothed things over and finally went to bed...at 4am.
Morning was there before I knew it. It felt like I closed my eyes and opened them back up. I woke up in an ok mood but still raw from the night before. I was busy trying to make a grocery list because I had been planning a surprise birthday lunch for him with his sister and mom at our house and I was cooking. My SIL called to say that our niece was sick and she wanted to reschedule. He ended up figuring out what was going on and somewhere in the midst of us discussing all of that things went south again -- in a hurry.
I got mad but I was determined to get to the grocery store still since I have been putting it off and we really needed a bunch. I was about to leave but I was still upset so he grabbed the keys and told me I couldn't go while I was upset. Said, that he couldn't live with himself if something happened to me and I had left angry. That, even I said, that this was not ok in our marriage. (This is true but I have changed and my resolve is not what it used to be. It saddens me but it's the truth.) It all sent me spiraling... I cannot stand to feel trapped. It turns me crazy in an instant. I started yelling at him and telling him to give me the keys. That it was over (our marriage) if he did not let me go to the grocery store. On and on it went until he finally gave in.
I left without kissing him and went to the grocery store. I got there went in and realized that I had forgotten my wallet. I could have spit nails. So back home I went. I didn't say much to him when I got there. I still hadn't really cooled off and I was now mad at myself for sabotaging my grocery trip -- I didn't have it in me to go back out even though the store is less than 10 minutes away.
The whole day sucked. He was in a bad mood. I was in a horrible mood. He was hardly trying to comfort me. Late into the evening he finally came out to talk to me (after I had asked him like three times if he was going to). I told him that I had no hope that we were going to make it through this. That he cannot handle me being angry. He finally realized, and admitted, that he had overlooked that my anger was spilling out over something unrelated but that it was a product of his cheating. He apologized. I gave him very little in return. I would not commit to anything. Acknowledge much. Offer anything.
I hate this. I hate who this makes me. I hate what this has done to me. I hate that I mean those hurtful things when I say them.
I have things to work on. Later I finally found some courage to beg God to help me. Help me continue to work on our marriage. In those moments (of anger mostly) it is SO hard to see that I really do want this.
I want this. I want our marriage. I want him. I want our love. I want to heal -- with him. I want to be happy.
Day 87: I took the baby and went grocery shopping. I had planned to be angry today (just to give him some more practice -- I realize how that sounds but I am afraid of a repeat) but I just wasn't. I was oddly at peace.
The store was crazy crowded but I got it all done and got back home. He unloaded all of the groceries from the car for me (always does) and we were busy trying to get ready for our company.
The day was nice. He was affectionate. I can't say that I was super welcoming but I wasn't bothered by it. We had a really fun dinner and night with our family and then we put the babies to bed and settled in to watch a movie.
We ended up spending a bunch of time researching about our endeavor to move to Hawaii and by the time the movie got started I just could not stay awake. I woke a few times to him cracking up and it really warmed my heart. He's a funny guy -- one of his very best qualities -- and he's always cracking jokes and laughing and giggling but his laugh last night was relaxed (and it made me happy).
Day 88: So where are we? We had a tumultuous weekend. Up and down and back up. We are still fighting for this though. We made it through the weekend. Through the pain. Through another hard time. I think he took some things away from the weekend. I think he added to his tools.
We got such a lovely surprise today. Our friend (from across the country) sent us some really sweet gifts. We are so blessed. She really helped our day stay on track today. God never ceases to amaze me. In my deepest sadness He sent her to me. She is an angel. She reached out to me and gave me the shoulder that I needed. I have no one in my life that I can tell. No one that "gets me" -- even though some people I love have been cheated on -- but she does. She is incredible. She always has the right words. She always picks up on things that seem forgettable and makes them timeless. She is rooting for us. She believes in us. She points out wonderful things about my husband and helps me to see the good.
We are going to spend a quiet evening together. I think we need some time to recoup. I woke up with a terrible headache and it took a lot away from our morning but he persevered and I noticed it. I can't wait to see him when he gets home in a few minutes.
277 days. I love my husband.
Morning was there before I knew it. It felt like I closed my eyes and opened them back up. I woke up in an ok mood but still raw from the night before. I was busy trying to make a grocery list because I had been planning a surprise birthday lunch for him with his sister and mom at our house and I was cooking. My SIL called to say that our niece was sick and she wanted to reschedule. He ended up figuring out what was going on and somewhere in the midst of us discussing all of that things went south again -- in a hurry.
I got mad but I was determined to get to the grocery store still since I have been putting it off and we really needed a bunch. I was about to leave but I was still upset so he grabbed the keys and told me I couldn't go while I was upset. Said, that he couldn't live with himself if something happened to me and I had left angry. That, even I said, that this was not ok in our marriage. (This is true but I have changed and my resolve is not what it used to be. It saddens me but it's the truth.) It all sent me spiraling... I cannot stand to feel trapped. It turns me crazy in an instant. I started yelling at him and telling him to give me the keys. That it was over (our marriage) if he did not let me go to the grocery store. On and on it went until he finally gave in.
I left without kissing him and went to the grocery store. I got there went in and realized that I had forgotten my wallet. I could have spit nails. So back home I went. I didn't say much to him when I got there. I still hadn't really cooled off and I was now mad at myself for sabotaging my grocery trip -- I didn't have it in me to go back out even though the store is less than 10 minutes away.
The whole day sucked. He was in a bad mood. I was in a horrible mood. He was hardly trying to comfort me. Late into the evening he finally came out to talk to me (after I had asked him like three times if he was going to). I told him that I had no hope that we were going to make it through this. That he cannot handle me being angry. He finally realized, and admitted, that he had overlooked that my anger was spilling out over something unrelated but that it was a product of his cheating. He apologized. I gave him very little in return. I would not commit to anything. Acknowledge much. Offer anything.
I hate this. I hate who this makes me. I hate what this has done to me. I hate that I mean those hurtful things when I say them.
I have things to work on. Later I finally found some courage to beg God to help me. Help me continue to work on our marriage. In those moments (of anger mostly) it is SO hard to see that I really do want this.
I want this. I want our marriage. I want him. I want our love. I want to heal -- with him. I want to be happy.
Day 87: I took the baby and went grocery shopping. I had planned to be angry today (just to give him some more practice -- I realize how that sounds but I am afraid of a repeat) but I just wasn't. I was oddly at peace.
The store was crazy crowded but I got it all done and got back home. He unloaded all of the groceries from the car for me (always does) and we were busy trying to get ready for our company.
The day was nice. He was affectionate. I can't say that I was super welcoming but I wasn't bothered by it. We had a really fun dinner and night with our family and then we put the babies to bed and settled in to watch a movie.
We ended up spending a bunch of time researching about our endeavor to move to Hawaii and by the time the movie got started I just could not stay awake. I woke a few times to him cracking up and it really warmed my heart. He's a funny guy -- one of his very best qualities -- and he's always cracking jokes and laughing and giggling but his laugh last night was relaxed (and it made me happy).
Day 88: So where are we? We had a tumultuous weekend. Up and down and back up. We are still fighting for this though. We made it through the weekend. Through the pain. Through another hard time. I think he took some things away from the weekend. I think he added to his tools.
We got such a lovely surprise today. Our friend (from across the country) sent us some really sweet gifts. We are so blessed. She really helped our day stay on track today. God never ceases to amaze me. In my deepest sadness He sent her to me. She is an angel. She reached out to me and gave me the shoulder that I needed. I have no one in my life that I can tell. No one that "gets me" -- even though some people I love have been cheated on -- but she does. She is incredible. She always has the right words. She always picks up on things that seem forgettable and makes them timeless. She is rooting for us. She believes in us. She points out wonderful things about my husband and helps me to see the good.
We are going to spend a quiet evening together. I think we need some time to recoup. I woke up with a terrible headache and it took a lot away from our morning but he persevered and I noticed it. I can't wait to see him when he gets home in a few minutes.
277 days. I love my husband.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Flaws
Day 85: I love a broken man.
I think a broken man is capable of doing what my husband did to me. Capable of acting so selfishly and recklessly. Capable of risking it all for a moment of pleasure. Capable of living a life of entitlement. Capable of hurting his one true love.
He said that it always left him feeling empty. He always knew that it would be over in a few minutes and he would get up and leave.
I think his actions damaged his already broken soul. I look at my husband sometimes and I see a man who look scared and confused.
I used to think that my husband was the smartest and funniest and bravest man that I knew. He was my protector. He was my hero. I knew that as long as I had him I had everything. I could do anything. Be anything. Go anywhere.
Sometimes, though, now I look at him and I feel sad for him. I feel sad that he has to love his wife whose heart he's broken. I feel sad that he has to wipe away the tears that he has caused. I feel sad that he has hurt, not only me, but himself so badly. I feel sad that he can't go back...because I know that he would if he could.
But, I also look at him and feel love for him. Feel proud of him. Feel a desire for him. Feel a hunger for his love. Feel completed by him. Feel empowered by him. Feel happy for him, that he has another chance.
I also think that he is a strong man. A man willing to stand up and fight for what he wants. A man willing to lay it all down, sometimes with only a sliver of hope, just to see if he can have one more day in the arms of his wife. A man who is brave enough to face the facts of his ugly affairs over and over and over again. A man who is funny enough to still get his hurting wife to laugh and smile. A man who is smart enough to still intellectually challenge his wife.A man who is will never stop protecting the heart of his wife again. A man who will never stop protecting his own heart. A man who longs to be my hero, if only that means that I feel safe again. A man who is ready to be my everything, to do anything, and to be anything to take me anywhere that I want to go.
I think his actions made him see what he always had. More often than not, I look at him and see a man who has hope and direction.
He says that he knows he is loved now. He says that he is fulfilled. He says that his wife is all that he ever "wants and needs, but most importantly wants".
I also think a broken man is capable of healing. Capable of looking at himself in the mirror and seeing the man that he always wanted to be. Capable of being a man of honor. Of integrity. Capable of accepting the gift of a second chance and never letting go of it. Capable of righting his wrongs. Capable of honoring the vows that he made. Capable of standing strong against temptation. Capable of learning what to hold onto and what to let go of. Capable of accepting forgiveness and forgiving himself.
I think someday my broken husband will only be flawed.
280 days. We all have flaws.
I think a broken man is capable of doing what my husband did to me. Capable of acting so selfishly and recklessly. Capable of risking it all for a moment of pleasure. Capable of living a life of entitlement. Capable of hurting his one true love.
He said that it always left him feeling empty. He always knew that it would be over in a few minutes and he would get up and leave.
I think his actions damaged his already broken soul. I look at my husband sometimes and I see a man who look scared and confused.
I used to think that my husband was the smartest and funniest and bravest man that I knew. He was my protector. He was my hero. I knew that as long as I had him I had everything. I could do anything. Be anything. Go anywhere.
Sometimes, though, now I look at him and I feel sad for him. I feel sad that he has to love his wife whose heart he's broken. I feel sad that he has to wipe away the tears that he has caused. I feel sad that he has hurt, not only me, but himself so badly. I feel sad that he can't go back...because I know that he would if he could.
But, I also look at him and feel love for him. Feel proud of him. Feel a desire for him. Feel a hunger for his love. Feel completed by him. Feel empowered by him. Feel happy for him, that he has another chance.
I also think that he is a strong man. A man willing to stand up and fight for what he wants. A man willing to lay it all down, sometimes with only a sliver of hope, just to see if he can have one more day in the arms of his wife. A man who is brave enough to face the facts of his ugly affairs over and over and over again. A man who is funny enough to still get his hurting wife to laugh and smile. A man who is smart enough to still intellectually challenge his wife.A man who is will never stop protecting the heart of his wife again. A man who will never stop protecting his own heart. A man who longs to be my hero, if only that means that I feel safe again. A man who is ready to be my everything, to do anything, and to be anything to take me anywhere that I want to go.
I think his actions made him see what he always had. More often than not, I look at him and see a man who has hope and direction.
He says that he knows he is loved now. He says that he is fulfilled. He says that his wife is all that he ever "wants and needs, but most importantly wants".
I also think a broken man is capable of healing. Capable of looking at himself in the mirror and seeing the man that he always wanted to be. Capable of being a man of honor. Of integrity. Capable of accepting the gift of a second chance and never letting go of it. Capable of righting his wrongs. Capable of honoring the vows that he made. Capable of standing strong against temptation. Capable of learning what to hold onto and what to let go of. Capable of accepting forgiveness and forgiving himself.
I think someday my broken husband will only be flawed.
280 days. We all have flaws.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
2 months and 18 days
Day 83: Well, I couldn't post last night. Something was wrong with the site.
I was hurting though. I emotionally crashed.
My husband caught me, but barely. It was bad. I yelled at him a few times and almost left to go to the grocery store while I was angry (something that is not ok in our marriage). The only thing that stopped me from going was that I took too long to get out the door and I was afraid that the baby would wake up hungry before I got back. So I stayed and we worked through it. All I can hope from yesterday is that he learned a lot.
I know he is trying but he still has a hard time seeing when I am having a bad day. I suppose it is because I don't have too many of them so they catch him by surprise a bit.
I was in so much pain last night and we were chatting. He was telling me some amazing things that I intended to blog yesterday so that I could go back and read them but...
I'm going to do my best to remember what he said.
He told me that I am enough and I always have been. That he is the one that messed up. He said he humbly likens himself to David. He had all that he could ever want in God but went out and tried everything under the sun to make himself happy. In the end he realized that God was all he needed. He said that he is so sorry and regretful that he didn't see what he had before.
I wish I could rewrite the prayer that he sent over to me also. It was beautiful.
I know that we are getting somewhere and we are healing with each new step that we take. It just takes time and time...time, when it is all you can count on to bring healing, well, it just takes too long.
Day 84: Today is my husband's birthday. We are 2 months and 18 days apart. Born the same year. Today we celebrated with cheesecake for breakfast, some sweet handmade cards from the babies, and a mellow day. He has a Bible on the way -- the only gift that he mentioned leading up to Christmas (I often phish for gift ideas for Christmas and then wait to buy them for his birthday so he thinks I forgot!). He has one coming from our sweet friend who is cheering us on from the other side of the country.
I thought about a big day for him. I thought about going over the top, but I think a calm, quiet day was just perfect. When he was leaving for work he kissed me and said that the day was good (or nice or something simple and pleasant like that). Inside I started to argue that it was too simple but then I saw the look in his eyes. The look that says it all. Thank you. Thank you for still being here. Thank you for giving me another chance. Thank you for giving me the best gift that I will ever receive. Thank you.
281 days.
I was hurting though. I emotionally crashed.
My husband caught me, but barely. It was bad. I yelled at him a few times and almost left to go to the grocery store while I was angry (something that is not ok in our marriage). The only thing that stopped me from going was that I took too long to get out the door and I was afraid that the baby would wake up hungry before I got back. So I stayed and we worked through it. All I can hope from yesterday is that he learned a lot.
I know he is trying but he still has a hard time seeing when I am having a bad day. I suppose it is because I don't have too many of them so they catch him by surprise a bit.
I was in so much pain last night and we were chatting. He was telling me some amazing things that I intended to blog yesterday so that I could go back and read them but...
I'm going to do my best to remember what he said.
He told me that I am enough and I always have been. That he is the one that messed up. He said he humbly likens himself to David. He had all that he could ever want in God but went out and tried everything under the sun to make himself happy. In the end he realized that God was all he needed. He said that he is so sorry and regretful that he didn't see what he had before.
I wish I could rewrite the prayer that he sent over to me also. It was beautiful.
I know that we are getting somewhere and we are healing with each new step that we take. It just takes time and time...time, when it is all you can count on to bring healing, well, it just takes too long.
Day 84: Today is my husband's birthday. We are 2 months and 18 days apart. Born the same year. Today we celebrated with cheesecake for breakfast, some sweet handmade cards from the babies, and a mellow day. He has a Bible on the way -- the only gift that he mentioned leading up to Christmas (I often phish for gift ideas for Christmas and then wait to buy them for his birthday so he thinks I forgot!). He has one coming from our sweet friend who is cheering us on from the other side of the country.
I thought about a big day for him. I thought about going over the top, but I think a calm, quiet day was just perfect. When he was leaving for work he kissed me and said that the day was good (or nice or something simple and pleasant like that). Inside I started to argue that it was too simple but then I saw the look in his eyes. The look that says it all. Thank you. Thank you for still being here. Thank you for giving me another chance. Thank you for giving me the best gift that I will ever receive. Thank you.
281 days.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Numb
Day 82: Had another bad dream last night. This time it had one of the other women in it. (There are more women than I'll ever know -- more than he knows -- since all but two were paid.) This particular other women is the one that bothers me the most. I think it is because I knew her, she had been in my home, seen my babies. Ugh, it makes me want to puke.
I don't know why I hadn't thought of it but, tonight, on suggestion of my friend, I am going to pray for peaceful sleep. It's bad enough to deal with this during the day.
I wonder if my sudden onset of these intense bad dreams has anything to do with the fact that I know that "this day in affair history" is another one that my husband and her were still chatting. The chatting that would lead to their second hook-up. It's been on my mind...a lot.
I hope that next year I will be able to look back and this day will have been re-written. These days all need re-written with our happy memories. Our happy life. I know it but I'm waiting on him to notice. Waiting on him to remember what these days are. I guess today I'm a bit bitter. Bitter that the details are being forgotten or overlooked or, at the very least, unacknowledged. I know that he wants to forget them...I do too, but, I can't and the only way to heal from them is to write over them.
I feel like I'm at another one of those forks in the road. Those forks that were not there when I looked at the map almost seven years ago. My options look better than they did 82 days ago but it still hurts to have to make these decisions. Tonight I want to give up. I don't want to go anywhere because I am too tired and I don't want my husband to leave because I will miss him and want him back but I just want to give up. Stop trying.
This is so hard. So incredibly hard. Hurting this much makes life seem unbearable sometimes. Living with a broken heart feels crushing. Feeling feels like falling. I don't have it in me tonight. I'm in pain and lack the stamina to pick myself back up tonight.
I cry but I feel so numb. It's like I can look and see the wound but I cannot feel it. I know that I am hurting but I can't feel the pain. Is this just a way of protecting myself? I don't like this feeling. I want to feel. I need to feel. I am feeling...but I don't feel like I'm feeling. What in the world is going on? I'm so sad. I'm so broken. I'm so confused.
283 days. Holding on.
I don't know why I hadn't thought of it but, tonight, on suggestion of my friend, I am going to pray for peaceful sleep. It's bad enough to deal with this during the day.
I wonder if my sudden onset of these intense bad dreams has anything to do with the fact that I know that "this day in affair history" is another one that my husband and her were still chatting. The chatting that would lead to their second hook-up. It's been on my mind...a lot.
I hope that next year I will be able to look back and this day will have been re-written. These days all need re-written with our happy memories. Our happy life. I know it but I'm waiting on him to notice. Waiting on him to remember what these days are. I guess today I'm a bit bitter. Bitter that the details are being forgotten or overlooked or, at the very least, unacknowledged. I know that he wants to forget them...I do too, but, I can't and the only way to heal from them is to write over them.
I feel like I'm at another one of those forks in the road. Those forks that were not there when I looked at the map almost seven years ago. My options look better than they did 82 days ago but it still hurts to have to make these decisions. Tonight I want to give up. I don't want to go anywhere because I am too tired and I don't want my husband to leave because I will miss him and want him back but I just want to give up. Stop trying.
This is so hard. So incredibly hard. Hurting this much makes life seem unbearable sometimes. Living with a broken heart feels crushing. Feeling feels like falling. I don't have it in me tonight. I'm in pain and lack the stamina to pick myself back up tonight.
I cry but I feel so numb. It's like I can look and see the wound but I cannot feel it. I know that I am hurting but I can't feel the pain. Is this just a way of protecting myself? I don't like this feeling. I want to feel. I need to feel. I am feeling...but I don't feel like I'm feeling. What in the world is going on? I'm so sad. I'm so broken. I'm so confused.
283 days. Holding on.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Crazy Notion
Day 79: Saturday I triggered worse than I have in a LONG time. It was bad but my husband held me and held me and held me as I cried and we worked through it. Every time he pulls me close another piece of me heals.
It was a reality check at how far I still have to go. How not ok I still am.
On another hand...what a weekend. Well, I'm nuts, always have been, and my heart belongs to Hawaii. So, late last week I got this crazy notion to take the money that we are getting for the van and move back to Hawaii. I said something to my husband and he got that, "oh no!" look on his face. We talked it over for the night and into the next day and kinda left it at letting it work itself out if it will. This will be our third serious attempt at this. We have been ready to leave it all behind twice before but other things have come up and we have put it aside.
I'm excited. This weekend we decided that if a job falls into place for my husband that we are going to do it.
We need to. It is where we want to be. It is where we belong.
Day 80: Another day stuck at home but we are doing our best to make the most of it. We ended the day by watching the movie Fireproof. It was a movie that I saw recommended on an infidelity forum. I didn't really know what it was about but it did hit some major cords with us.
He borrowed a line from the movie and said, "Welcome to the new normal." Then went on to say that this is the new normal that we are living in. The way things are now are certainly welcomed and noticed but a bit scary to cling to at times for fear that they may all be taken from me. I try not the let that stop me from embracing them though. He said that he'll be in the new normal waiting for me whenever I am ready. I think I'm ready. I think I live there most of the time. It is just the bad moments when I draw back...
Still learning to lean on him when it's hard to do.
I think I always knew that marriage was fragile. I can remember having conversations with my husband about keeping our minds guarded in order to insure that our hearts were guarded. Looking back I realize that it was too late for him, but it is always something that I have been aware of.
Since finding out about his affairs I still have kept my thoughts guarded. There was certainly time when I thought about the babies and I being on our own. When I thought about what life would be like without my husband and their Daddy. What the future would look like if I walked away but other than that my thoughts have remained pure.
I still think the world of my (broken) husband. He is still that only one that I want. He is still the one that I want to make happy. He is still the one that I love and cherish and need.
Day 81: I had the most horrible dream last night. I've been plagued with bad dreams since shortly after I found out about everything but this one was, by far, the worst. It was totally related to the affairs and our life now. My husband just held me and comforted me and told me that I was safe. After we got up for the day, he held me again and told me that he is never leaving. That he is here and will be here.
The day was cruising right along until I heard that someone else in our circle of friends and family is facing divorce because of infidelity. This is the third couple in less than three months, not counting us. What is happening? I feel like I cannot get away from it. I feel like it is closing in around me. It hurts. It just rips into me. I cannot believe it. Why?!?! Why? Why? Why?
I managed to clear my head once my husband left for work and not let it totally ruin my day. I instead worked on a gift for my husband's birthday that is on Thursday and focused on making him happy.
I asked him a few weeks ago what he wanted for his birthday and his response was, "I have everything I want."
Well, he will be getting a Bible (something that he mentioned) and something else that I am working on.
284 days. This year is off to a good start.
It was a reality check at how far I still have to go. How not ok I still am.
On another hand...what a weekend. Well, I'm nuts, always have been, and my heart belongs to Hawaii. So, late last week I got this crazy notion to take the money that we are getting for the van and move back to Hawaii. I said something to my husband and he got that, "oh no!" look on his face. We talked it over for the night and into the next day and kinda left it at letting it work itself out if it will. This will be our third serious attempt at this. We have been ready to leave it all behind twice before but other things have come up and we have put it aside.
I'm excited. This weekend we decided that if a job falls into place for my husband that we are going to do it.
We need to. It is where we want to be. It is where we belong.
Day 80: Another day stuck at home but we are doing our best to make the most of it. We ended the day by watching the movie Fireproof. It was a movie that I saw recommended on an infidelity forum. I didn't really know what it was about but it did hit some major cords with us.
He borrowed a line from the movie and said, "Welcome to the new normal." Then went on to say that this is the new normal that we are living in. The way things are now are certainly welcomed and noticed but a bit scary to cling to at times for fear that they may all be taken from me. I try not the let that stop me from embracing them though. He said that he'll be in the new normal waiting for me whenever I am ready. I think I'm ready. I think I live there most of the time. It is just the bad moments when I draw back...
Still learning to lean on him when it's hard to do.
I think I always knew that marriage was fragile. I can remember having conversations with my husband about keeping our minds guarded in order to insure that our hearts were guarded. Looking back I realize that it was too late for him, but it is always something that I have been aware of.
Since finding out about his affairs I still have kept my thoughts guarded. There was certainly time when I thought about the babies and I being on our own. When I thought about what life would be like without my husband and their Daddy. What the future would look like if I walked away but other than that my thoughts have remained pure.
I still think the world of my (broken) husband. He is still that only one that I want. He is still the one that I want to make happy. He is still the one that I love and cherish and need.
Day 81: I had the most horrible dream last night. I've been plagued with bad dreams since shortly after I found out about everything but this one was, by far, the worst. It was totally related to the affairs and our life now. My husband just held me and comforted me and told me that I was safe. After we got up for the day, he held me again and told me that he is never leaving. That he is here and will be here.
The day was cruising right along until I heard that someone else in our circle of friends and family is facing divorce because of infidelity. This is the third couple in less than three months, not counting us. What is happening? I feel like I cannot get away from it. I feel like it is closing in around me. It hurts. It just rips into me. I cannot believe it. Why?!?! Why? Why? Why?
I managed to clear my head once my husband left for work and not let it totally ruin my day. I instead worked on a gift for my husband's birthday that is on Thursday and focused on making him happy.
I asked him a few weeks ago what he wanted for his birthday and his response was, "I have everything I want."
Well, he will be getting a Bible (something that he mentioned) and something else that I am working on.
284 days. This year is off to a good start.
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