Day 112: What a mess. We are working through it but it is nothing short of a mess.
I have been feeling lately that life is back to where it was before I knew all of this. Back to the routine and rut that it was in. (I mean rut in a good way.) We are coming and going and ebbing and flowing like we used to. Life is life again but now I have this burden strapped to my back that weighs me down.
I have been sleeping in more and more lately. I hate it. I know I am missing out and my babies are not going to be small forever. I am so afraid to miss out (did I already blog about this?). I am so afraid to look back in a year and realize that my babies are another year older (especially my newborn -- who is now four months old) and I missed it. Oh my, the pain in thinking that.
It feels like she was just born, it feels like she was just days old, it feels like she was 18 days old in my arms when he came home and broke my heart. It feels like that was all yesterday but, you know what, she rolled over today. I wish I could pause her. My little man is getting close to turning four and my little two year old girl is growing up so much. Becoming so independent and out spoken. It just goes by too fast.
Life goes by so fast. I keep waiting for something to change. I keep waiting for that feeling that everything is ok. That we are going to make it...for sure. That we are healed. That we are beyond this. Sometimes I think that will never come. That no matter what we fix and how much time passes that this will always be a monkey on my back. Goodness, I hope not.
I want my babies to have a happy mommy. I want to be what they need -- all of the time. I want to be whole for them
I want my husband to have a happy wife. I want to be what he needs -- all of the time. I want to be whole for him.
I want to be happy. I want be what I need to be -- all of the time. I want to be whole for me.
253 days. Still learning to let go.
This recovery process is slow and it sometimes feels like you're never going to get there - but you will.
ReplyDeleteYou have such a lot to cope with just now - three small children and a possible house move. Most people would find that challenging - even before you factor in the other business you're coping with.
Lean on your faith - it will sustain you during the dark days.
And be kind to yourself. Sometimes we strive too hard to be the perfect parent when, really, good enough is good enough.