Day 47: He came home and I almost immediately started crying. I was laying on the couch with the baby on my chest and he came over and knelt beside me and just held me. I told him that I didn't want to do this anymore. (I meant...I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't want to have to keep fighting this.) He responded by saying that he knows that means a whole lot but that one of the things that he loves about me is that I keep going. That I am so strong. I sure don't feel strong right now...
He told me last night that he wakes up every morning and looks at me and has the worst regret. He says that he never knew what regret was until he came clean. (I can attest that this is not regret of getting caught because I didn't catch him...he told me. I knew NOTHING and had NO suspicions.) I can see the pain on his face. I can see how badly he wishes he could take it back. I can feel the remorse.
We are in two very different places though. He, long ago, accepted what he had done to me (to us) and the night that he told me was the end of his nightmare. That night, though, was the beginning of mine. There is a tiny (demented) part of me that wishes he would have never told me.
He told me that he is happy. I know what he means by this even though I feel quite the opposite. I know that me giving him the chance to make me happy again makes his heart swell. I'm glad that he is happy. I hope that he continues to be happy and that I can make him happy along this long, hard road that we are traveling.
Today I realized something that I am not sure how to process. The week that he started the emotional/physical (not sexual) affair with his co-worker was the same week that we got pregnant with our third baby. It hurts. Last night I had put together the 3 weeks that their affair went on started the week before Christmas but I hadn't thought of that being the week that I got pregnant.
He says that he doesn't understand why God wrote our story this way but there is always a reason. (Paraphrasing here.) Within a day of us finding out that we were pregnant he went to work and told everyone the good news and then cut off contact with her. I can look at the facts and see that maybe that was God's way of putting a stop to it before it turned into a sexual affair (something that he proposed to her but did not come to pass).
I'm such a jumbled mess lately. I can't even write clearly anymore. It makes me sad. I don't feel like myself.
318 days. One day at a time.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sad
Day 44: Saturday. Well, let me start with Friday night. My husband came home and picked us up after working a half day and we went to a mall about 40 minutes north of us. We walked around and shopped a bit and then left about the time they were closing. The babies promptly feel asleep on the way home and we started talking...about everything. He drove about 100 miles that night all around and back to our house just so that we could talk. He never said anything to me but I noticed when we drove past our street that he knew we needed more time to talk.
My heart broke some more Friday night. He told me that he hadn't been happy in our marriage. That he was fighting against me holding onto him. It hurts.
I was holding on to him because I have never felt like he wanted to be with me. Well, not never, but I have always felt second best -- to something. So I held on, TIGHT! And he pulled back and "rebelled". It hurts. It breaks my heart to know that I was right. That I really was not wrong in my thinking. Ahhhhhh, it hurts.
He asked me that night to listen to something that he was about to say and remember it. Then he told me that he is not going to ask to go out without me. That I am going to be the first one to bring it up and only then will he consider the possibility.
I was explaining to him that night that I have always been full. That he and our babies have always been all that I need. They fill me up and complete me. Everything else good in life is just extra. I could have nothing but them and I would be happy. He told me that that is how he feels now. It warmed my heart and for better or worse I am choosing to believe that he really feels and means it.
Saturday was less than happy. I woke up in a funk (too bad after our great talk the night before) and was in it ALL day long. We got out of the house again and I still could not snap out of it. When we pulled into the driveway that night he said that he was going to make sure that the night was good.
We relaxed together on the couch after the babies went to bed and then we headed off to bed ourselves. I was still waiting, as we crawled into bed, for him to pull through on what he had said but it didn't appear that it was going to happen so I said something to him. He had a hard time understanding what I was needing and eventually we both conked out before it was resolved.
Day 45: Sunday. He let me sleep in (he does this alot, though I've been trying to return the favor from time to time) and when I came out and met him in the kitchen he hugged me and apologized for the night before. Said he was sorry about how things went unresolved and that I was upset. He promised a better effort.
We spent the mid-morning putting up and decorating the Christmas tree. It is getting more exciting every year as the babies grow and get more involved. Once we were finished, we again went out to pick up a few things (he took me to the craft store and I spent some money on some holiday silk flowers!). After that we went to the grocery store and picked up a nice dinner and a movie for the babies to watch. It is our Sunday night winter tradition -- they can choose to watch a movie or go play at the playplace in town. We encouraged them to pick the movie so that we could stay home and relax after a long weekend.
Dinner was good and they enjoyed the movie (while I made cookies!) and then they went to bed. After wards we sat on the couch and talked for quite awhile. Once we went to bed things went downhill again. I was sad because all day I had, again, been in a funk and I didn't feel like he even noticed. He admitted to not noticing that I was quiet on the ride home, just staring out the window, because he was listening to a football game on the radio.
I told him that I fear that he can't do this as long as I may need him to. That he is wearing out and tiring of the work that needs done. He started to get defensive (which I get...I'm sure it sucks to carry the burden of what he has done to us...) and angry which made me cry thinking that this is how he reacted in the past.
At some point he said that I was "being hard on him" and that sent me over the edge. I think that as soon as he said it (or very quickly after) he realized what an asinine statement it was. As I lay there in another puddle of tears he came to his senses and started asking questions and reevaluating where we are.
He knows where we are, he knows the work that must be done, he overall seems to "get it". I hate these setbacks but they are definitely not deal breakers. I have never wanted him to be perfect (how boring would that be?) and certainly don't expect that from him now but I do expect the best from him. I am giving this my all and I hope that he sees that.
I cried and cried and cried last night. He held me and I wept. And he held me tighter and told me to let it all out. And I did. Cried like I did in the first few days. Cried until I had to stop because my head felt like it would explode. I feel like I worked through some more stuff last night though. Feel like we reached a new level of understanding and honesty. Feel like we healed a little more. Why does there have to be pain in healing? Why?
Why...I hate that question. Everytime I hear that in my head I immediately think why are we here? Why did he cheat? Why didn't he love me enough? Why? Why? Why? Ugh...carrying on.
He held me until I was done crying and then held me tighter when I was finished. He whispered to me that he chooses us. He chooses me. That he was so thankful that I had given us another chance. So thankful for letting him be here with me. So thankful for being here to hold me. He whispered to me and held me as I cried silently while I processed some more. He held me.
He held me as I whispered to him that we are going to make it. That I don't know how to be strong all of the time and that scares me. He told me that it is ok. That it's nothing new and that that is what we are -- a team. We are here for each other. To pick each other up. To be strong when the other can't be.
And then we made love. Goodness, I love this man.
Day 46: Today was just another day. I think I am too tired to remember today actually. We slept in a bit. I finally got up and got some over due things done. He got up and helped me clean up a bit and we made lunch together.
I think that I am just going through a really sad phase. Not a lot of other emotions are making their way to the surface. I guess I just have to work through it. It is so hard to fight the urge to stuff it down but I know that it will only hurt me (and us). I have to work through this. I have to face it and deal with it. I really don't want to but I have to heal. I want to heal. So here I go...again. Time to again find my determination and beat this.
I'm scared but I have no other choice. I'm scared because I feel like I have been holding myself up for the last 6 weeks and now I think I have to lean on my husband. I guess here comes the true test. I was wondering when we were going to get here. I wanted to avoid it...sad, but true. Gosh, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to get hurt again. Afraid that he doesn't have what it takes. I have to think that he does but what if he doesn't? It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt to fall again.
319 days. We can do this...right?
My heart broke some more Friday night. He told me that he hadn't been happy in our marriage. That he was fighting against me holding onto him. It hurts.
I was holding on to him because I have never felt like he wanted to be with me. Well, not never, but I have always felt second best -- to something. So I held on, TIGHT! And he pulled back and "rebelled". It hurts. It breaks my heart to know that I was right. That I really was not wrong in my thinking. Ahhhhhh, it hurts.
He asked me that night to listen to something that he was about to say and remember it. Then he told me that he is not going to ask to go out without me. That I am going to be the first one to bring it up and only then will he consider the possibility.
I was explaining to him that night that I have always been full. That he and our babies have always been all that I need. They fill me up and complete me. Everything else good in life is just extra. I could have nothing but them and I would be happy. He told me that that is how he feels now. It warmed my heart and for better or worse I am choosing to believe that he really feels and means it.
Saturday was less than happy. I woke up in a funk (too bad after our great talk the night before) and was in it ALL day long. We got out of the house again and I still could not snap out of it. When we pulled into the driveway that night he said that he was going to make sure that the night was good.
We relaxed together on the couch after the babies went to bed and then we headed off to bed ourselves. I was still waiting, as we crawled into bed, for him to pull through on what he had said but it didn't appear that it was going to happen so I said something to him. He had a hard time understanding what I was needing and eventually we both conked out before it was resolved.
Day 45: Sunday. He let me sleep in (he does this alot, though I've been trying to return the favor from time to time) and when I came out and met him in the kitchen he hugged me and apologized for the night before. Said he was sorry about how things went unresolved and that I was upset. He promised a better effort.
We spent the mid-morning putting up and decorating the Christmas tree. It is getting more exciting every year as the babies grow and get more involved. Once we were finished, we again went out to pick up a few things (he took me to the craft store and I spent some money on some holiday silk flowers!). After that we went to the grocery store and picked up a nice dinner and a movie for the babies to watch. It is our Sunday night winter tradition -- they can choose to watch a movie or go play at the playplace in town. We encouraged them to pick the movie so that we could stay home and relax after a long weekend.
Dinner was good and they enjoyed the movie (while I made cookies!) and then they went to bed. After wards we sat on the couch and talked for quite awhile. Once we went to bed things went downhill again. I was sad because all day I had, again, been in a funk and I didn't feel like he even noticed. He admitted to not noticing that I was quiet on the ride home, just staring out the window, because he was listening to a football game on the radio.
I told him that I fear that he can't do this as long as I may need him to. That he is wearing out and tiring of the work that needs done. He started to get defensive (which I get...I'm sure it sucks to carry the burden of what he has done to us...) and angry which made me cry thinking that this is how he reacted in the past.
At some point he said that I was "being hard on him" and that sent me over the edge. I think that as soon as he said it (or very quickly after) he realized what an asinine statement it was. As I lay there in another puddle of tears he came to his senses and started asking questions and reevaluating where we are.
He knows where we are, he knows the work that must be done, he overall seems to "get it". I hate these setbacks but they are definitely not deal breakers. I have never wanted him to be perfect (how boring would that be?) and certainly don't expect that from him now but I do expect the best from him. I am giving this my all and I hope that he sees that.
I cried and cried and cried last night. He held me and I wept. And he held me tighter and told me to let it all out. And I did. Cried like I did in the first few days. Cried until I had to stop because my head felt like it would explode. I feel like I worked through some more stuff last night though. Feel like we reached a new level of understanding and honesty. Feel like we healed a little more. Why does there have to be pain in healing? Why?
Why...I hate that question. Everytime I hear that in my head I immediately think why are we here? Why did he cheat? Why didn't he love me enough? Why? Why? Why? Ugh...carrying on.
He held me until I was done crying and then held me tighter when I was finished. He whispered to me that he chooses us. He chooses me. That he was so thankful that I had given us another chance. So thankful for letting him be here with me. So thankful for being here to hold me. He whispered to me and held me as I cried silently while I processed some more. He held me.
He held me as I whispered to him that we are going to make it. That I don't know how to be strong all of the time and that scares me. He told me that it is ok. That it's nothing new and that that is what we are -- a team. We are here for each other. To pick each other up. To be strong when the other can't be.
And then we made love. Goodness, I love this man.
Day 46: Today was just another day. I think I am too tired to remember today actually. We slept in a bit. I finally got up and got some over due things done. He got up and helped me clean up a bit and we made lunch together.
I think that I am just going through a really sad phase. Not a lot of other emotions are making their way to the surface. I guess I just have to work through it. It is so hard to fight the urge to stuff it down but I know that it will only hurt me (and us). I have to work through this. I have to face it and deal with it. I really don't want to but I have to heal. I want to heal. So here I go...again. Time to again find my determination and beat this.
I'm scared but I have no other choice. I'm scared because I feel like I have been holding myself up for the last 6 weeks and now I think I have to lean on my husband. I guess here comes the true test. I was wondering when we were going to get here. I wanted to avoid it...sad, but true. Gosh, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to get hurt again. Afraid that he doesn't have what it takes. I have to think that he does but what if he doesn't? It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt to fall again.
319 days. We can do this...right?
Friday, November 26, 2010
Forgiveness
Day 43: I love the day after Thanksgiving almost as much as I love Thanksgiving. No, I did not go shopping this morning! It is the day that we put up our Christmas tree and get ready for the festivities that surround the birth of our Lord!
Today we decided that after my husband's half shift is over at work (I can't tell you how happy I am that he will be home before the babies go to bed!) that we are going to go out and pick up a few things. No crazy shopping but pick up any good deals that fit the people we are shopping for. Tomorrow we will put up our tree and decorate. It will be a fun Saturday morning. I am going to make some homemade cinnamon rolls, he will make coffee (and I will sip my 1/4 cup well into the afternoon after reheating many times) and we will put on holiday music.
I really enjoy Christmas. I love that, as a family, we have a tradition of only buying the babies 3 gifts each, just as Jesus received 3 gifts, in the theme of J-O-Y (Jesus-Others-You). I love that my little man has already asked me what kind of cake we are going to make for Jesus. I love that they sing Jesus Loves Me, and other Bible songs, spontaneously. I love the idea of friends and family and food and love. I love the gift that Jesus gave us all, forgiveness. I love it.
Forgiveness. I love that forgiveness with Jesus is so easy. All you have to do is ASK.
In all of this I have tried to ask myself how Jesus would react to me. Would he grant me forgiveness if I asked? Yes. So I have given it to my husband. I have forgiven my husband.
For some, an affair (or many affairs in my case) ruins the holidays. It reminds them of better days and happier memories. For me I choose to not let this take away our holidays. I choose to be as much like Jesus as I can.
I am not sure what I will buy my husband this year for Christmas, but I do know that everyday I will again give him forgiveness until I feel like we are healed from this. I hope this Christmas it is the best gift that he receives.
322 days. Let the festivities begin!
Today we decided that after my husband's half shift is over at work (I can't tell you how happy I am that he will be home before the babies go to bed!) that we are going to go out and pick up a few things. No crazy shopping but pick up any good deals that fit the people we are shopping for. Tomorrow we will put up our tree and decorate. It will be a fun Saturday morning. I am going to make some homemade cinnamon rolls, he will make coffee (and I will sip my 1/4 cup well into the afternoon after reheating many times) and we will put on holiday music.
I really enjoy Christmas. I love that, as a family, we have a tradition of only buying the babies 3 gifts each, just as Jesus received 3 gifts, in the theme of J-O-Y (Jesus-Others-You). I love that my little man has already asked me what kind of cake we are going to make for Jesus. I love that they sing Jesus Loves Me, and other Bible songs, spontaneously. I love the idea of friends and family and food and love. I love the gift that Jesus gave us all, forgiveness. I love it.
Forgiveness. I love that forgiveness with Jesus is so easy. All you have to do is ASK.
In all of this I have tried to ask myself how Jesus would react to me. Would he grant me forgiveness if I asked? Yes. So I have given it to my husband. I have forgiven my husband.
For some, an affair (or many affairs in my case) ruins the holidays. It reminds them of better days and happier memories. For me I choose to not let this take away our holidays. I choose to be as much like Jesus as I can.
I am not sure what I will buy my husband this year for Christmas, but I do know that everyday I will again give him forgiveness until I feel like we are healed from this. I hope this Christmas it is the best gift that he receives.
322 days. Let the festivities begin!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
He's Thankful
Day 42: Thanksgiving Day.
From him to me. ♥
I am thankful for Your Love and for the 3 little products of it.
I am thankful for Your Love and for the perseverance of it.
I am thankful for Your Love and for the strength of it (this is something that I am only beginning grasp)
I am thankful for Your Love and for the depth of it.
I am thankful for Your Love and for the happiness that I truly find in it.
I am thankful for Your Love and I will never again do anything to betray it.
I am so thankful for Your Love.
323 days. ♥
From him to me. ♥
I am thankful for Your Love and for the 3 little products of it.
I am thankful for Your Love and for the perseverance of it.
I am thankful for Your Love and for the strength of it (this is something that I am only beginning grasp)
I am thankful for Your Love and for the depth of it.
I am thankful for Your Love and for the happiness that I truly find in it.
I am thankful for Your Love and I will never again do anything to betray it.
I am so thankful for Your Love.
323 days. ♥
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I'm Thankful
Day 41: Wednesday.
This has made it hard to see the good but I know that it is there and so I will find it and embrace it.
I am thankful, as always, for 3 healthy babies. My heart swells when I think of how blessed I am as a mother.
We have made it almost 6 weeks into this mess and I am thankful for the strength the Lord gives me to carry on. The night that he came home and told me I was all but ok. I did not know how I would ever get out of bed again, much less, go on. With the Lord's help and guidance, I managed 4 days later to give us another chance.
I am so thankful for that.
I am so thankful that we are celebrating this Thanksgiving together, as a couple, as a family. I am so thankful that my husband has come clean and let me choose us again. Choose us with open eyes. I am thankful that he did not just walk away due to his mistakes, shame, humiliation, pain... I am thankful that he gave us another chance.
I am thankful that my babies have a great father. The amount of love that he has for them is enough to know that I picked a good Daddy for my babies.
I am thankful that he is committed to the hard work that now must be done to make us happy again. I am thankful that he has not backed down despite some very long nights. He has been here, present, since that night that he came home and came clean with me. He has been here since that night when he told me he wanted "us" to work. He has been here.
I am thankful that he has been a much better husband since he's come back to me. He has been more doting, more attentive, more patient, more kind, more understanding, more open, more protective...more for me than he was before.
I am thankful that, throughout this ordeal, I have somehow had the wisdom to know that we are still in this together. That we are a team. This alone has allowed me to move forward with dignity.
I am thankful that this Thanksgiving we are a blessed family of 5 living in an amazing country where we want for nothing.
324 days. I'm thankful.
This has made it hard to see the good but I know that it is there and so I will find it and embrace it.
I am thankful, as always, for 3 healthy babies. My heart swells when I think of how blessed I am as a mother.
We have made it almost 6 weeks into this mess and I am thankful for the strength the Lord gives me to carry on. The night that he came home and told me I was all but ok. I did not know how I would ever get out of bed again, much less, go on. With the Lord's help and guidance, I managed 4 days later to give us another chance.
I am so thankful for that.
I am so thankful that we are celebrating this Thanksgiving together, as a couple, as a family. I am so thankful that my husband has come clean and let me choose us again. Choose us with open eyes. I am thankful that he did not just walk away due to his mistakes, shame, humiliation, pain... I am thankful that he gave us another chance.
I am thankful that my babies have a great father. The amount of love that he has for them is enough to know that I picked a good Daddy for my babies.
I am thankful that he is committed to the hard work that now must be done to make us happy again. I am thankful that he has not backed down despite some very long nights. He has been here, present, since that night that he came home and came clean with me. He has been here since that night when he told me he wanted "us" to work. He has been here.
I am thankful that he has been a much better husband since he's come back to me. He has been more doting, more attentive, more patient, more kind, more understanding, more open, more protective...more for me than he was before.
I am thankful that, throughout this ordeal, I have somehow had the wisdom to know that we are still in this together. That we are a team. This alone has allowed me to move forward with dignity.
I am thankful that this Thanksgiving we are a blessed family of 5 living in an amazing country where we want for nothing.
324 days. I'm thankful.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
To You
Dear Husband,
That cold January day was the best day of my life. That cold January day almost 10 years ago. That cold January day when I walked in to church and we saw each other for the first time.
I was never the same after that. Not a day went by that I didn't think about you. As our friendship blossomed and life went on I always knew that you held a special place in my heart. A place that no one else could fill.
Life went on and we went our separate ways but somehow you were always with me. I had you tucked away in a safe place and went there when I was excited about something, scared, alone, happy...no matter what was going on I always thought of you. It was all in God's hands at that point though.
I will never forget the night, after a few long months of not hearing from you, when my roommate called out to me that you were on the phone. That was Thanksgiving Day 2002. I remember how my heart was beating as I ran up the stairs as quickly as I could to get to the phone. I remember hearing your voice and feeling warm all over again.
I was always so in love with you (and you knew that). Months and months went by and though we were thousands of miles apart I still held you in my heart. I can remember going to sleep thinking about you.
I think back to when I returned from being half way around the world -- literally -- and I called you first to say that I had made it back safely. I remember how happy you sounded that day but how I pushed it aside since we were "just friends".
I remember the cold May day in 2003 when I was home visiting and you and I sat and talked over coffee. I remember you telling me to go back to school and have lots of fun. I remember you dropping me off at the airport, very early in the morning, a few days later and how I walked away in tears not wanting to leave. I wanted so badly to turn around and go back home with you but I got on that plane and again put it in God's hands.
Life went on as planned for awhile. At some point I prayed that God would help me let go of you. And He did just that. He helped me let go of my dreams with you and let me focus on our friendship. Our amazing friendship that I was blessed with. But still I carried you in my heart.
Those many late night conversations that we had when you would call me on your way to work soon became such a wonderful part of my life that I was shocked the night, out of nowhere, when you said that you loved me. I will never forget how my heart skipped a beat when I heard you say those words, and then repeat them when I asked, in disbelief, what you had just said. Just thinking about it makes me smile.
I wish I had the words to describe the way I felt when your plane finally touched down on that island when you came to see me. Those few months that we shared while we were together in paradise will forever be etched in my memory.
The day that you asked me to be your wife...when you knelt down on that little beach...was perfect. I remember walking back along the rocky shore and our friend (that we didn't realize was also at the beach, much less watching us) pointed out that she was just watching us and thinking that we looked so happy. That it made her think of us treading through life's struggles together hand in hand.
I think back to our August wedding, only 5 months later, when I became your wife. I knew that day that we would never be the same. That we would get through anything. I remember making love for the first time ever that night.
Life quickly afforded us our first major hurdle and though it nearly broke us we made it. Not only did we make it but we came out stronger.
God then blessed us abundantly with 3 babies in less than 4 years.
These things, and countless others can never be taken away from us. These are our memories.
Somewhere in there though something broke and it didn't get fixed. That led to the terrible October night 5 weeks ago when you walked in and told me, while I held our newborn, that you had been unfaithful.
It broke my heart. It changed me forever. It hurt me in a way that I didn't know I could hurt. It took everything that I believed and challenged it. It put me in a place that I never thought I would be.
It changed us forever, it set us back but it did not destroy us.
I'm still not sure how I managed to pick myself up enough to decide to give us another chance but I am so happy that I did. I am hopeful about us.
I have known since that cold January day that we were meant for each other. I still believe that "when God made you He must have been thinking about me". My love has only grown for you since that day.
You are my best friend.
You are my safe place to fall.
You are the one who challenges me.
You are my most perfect compliment.
You are my unending source of laughter.
You are the Father of my babies.
You are the keeper of my heart.
You are the love of my life.
Without you in my life...well I cannot imagine my life without you in it.
I know that you made a mistake but your mistake does not define you. I still love you. I still value you. I still want you.
I want to go on. I want to make new memories with you. I want to be happy again. This is my wish. My heart's desire.
I hope that this is what you still want. What you will always want.
I will love you forever.
Your Devoted Wife.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
325 days. Struck down but not destroyed.
That cold January day was the best day of my life. That cold January day almost 10 years ago. That cold January day when I walked in to church and we saw each other for the first time.
I was never the same after that. Not a day went by that I didn't think about you. As our friendship blossomed and life went on I always knew that you held a special place in my heart. A place that no one else could fill.
Life went on and we went our separate ways but somehow you were always with me. I had you tucked away in a safe place and went there when I was excited about something, scared, alone, happy...no matter what was going on I always thought of you. It was all in God's hands at that point though.
I will never forget the night, after a few long months of not hearing from you, when my roommate called out to me that you were on the phone. That was Thanksgiving Day 2002. I remember how my heart was beating as I ran up the stairs as quickly as I could to get to the phone. I remember hearing your voice and feeling warm all over again.
I was always so in love with you (and you knew that). Months and months went by and though we were thousands of miles apart I still held you in my heart. I can remember going to sleep thinking about you.
I think back to when I returned from being half way around the world -- literally -- and I called you first to say that I had made it back safely. I remember how happy you sounded that day but how I pushed it aside since we were "just friends".
I remember the cold May day in 2003 when I was home visiting and you and I sat and talked over coffee. I remember you telling me to go back to school and have lots of fun. I remember you dropping me off at the airport, very early in the morning, a few days later and how I walked away in tears not wanting to leave. I wanted so badly to turn around and go back home with you but I got on that plane and again put it in God's hands.
Life went on as planned for awhile. At some point I prayed that God would help me let go of you. And He did just that. He helped me let go of my dreams with you and let me focus on our friendship. Our amazing friendship that I was blessed with. But still I carried you in my heart.
Those many late night conversations that we had when you would call me on your way to work soon became such a wonderful part of my life that I was shocked the night, out of nowhere, when you said that you loved me. I will never forget how my heart skipped a beat when I heard you say those words, and then repeat them when I asked, in disbelief, what you had just said. Just thinking about it makes me smile.
I wish I had the words to describe the way I felt when your plane finally touched down on that island when you came to see me. Those few months that we shared while we were together in paradise will forever be etched in my memory.
The day that you asked me to be your wife...when you knelt down on that little beach...was perfect. I remember walking back along the rocky shore and our friend (that we didn't realize was also at the beach, much less watching us) pointed out that she was just watching us and thinking that we looked so happy. That it made her think of us treading through life's struggles together hand in hand.
I think back to our August wedding, only 5 months later, when I became your wife. I knew that day that we would never be the same. That we would get through anything. I remember making love for the first time ever that night.
Life quickly afforded us our first major hurdle and though it nearly broke us we made it. Not only did we make it but we came out stronger.
God then blessed us abundantly with 3 babies in less than 4 years.
These things, and countless others can never be taken away from us. These are our memories.
Somewhere in there though something broke and it didn't get fixed. That led to the terrible October night 5 weeks ago when you walked in and told me, while I held our newborn, that you had been unfaithful.
It broke my heart. It changed me forever. It hurt me in a way that I didn't know I could hurt. It took everything that I believed and challenged it. It put me in a place that I never thought I would be.
It changed us forever, it set us back but it did not destroy us.
I'm still not sure how I managed to pick myself up enough to decide to give us another chance but I am so happy that I did. I am hopeful about us.
I have known since that cold January day that we were meant for each other. I still believe that "when God made you He must have been thinking about me". My love has only grown for you since that day.
You are my best friend.
You are my safe place to fall.
You are the one who challenges me.
You are my most perfect compliment.
You are my unending source of laughter.
You are the Father of my babies.
You are the keeper of my heart.
You are the love of my life.
Without you in my life...well I cannot imagine my life without you in it.
I know that you made a mistake but your mistake does not define you. I still love you. I still value you. I still want you.
I want to go on. I want to make new memories with you. I want to be happy again. This is my wish. My heart's desire.
I hope that this is what you still want. What you will always want.
I will love you forever.
Your Devoted Wife.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
325 days. Struck down but not destroyed.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Change
Day 37: Saturday. We went out as a family and had a fun day. I was so tired. It is hard for me to realize that I am still unable to do as much as I want to do since I had the surgery. I am so over this. 4 weeks cannot come soon enough when I will be cleared to lift my babies again. I just hope that between now and then I also get some energy back.
The holidays are just around the corner and I am feeling happy that our family is together. The thought of the season with us apart instantly brings me to tears. I hope that he is in this for real this time.
I was thinking the other night about how I want to be towards my husband. I do believe that he messed up, and messed up in a BIG way, but I do not believe that that qualifies me for treating him with disrespect. I haven't had too much trouble with keeping my thoughts in check or holding my tongue when I do have thoughts that, if I allowed myself to verbalize, would hurt him (and us) in the long run. I think what it all boils down to is the fact that I care about his feelings. I know that many would say that he does not deserve for me to treat him kindly but I have to disagree. He is still the man that I love and I do not see how tearing him down would be justified because he made a terrible mistake. I know that he has feelings and I intend to keep them intact as best as I can without sacrificing my own healing.
Looking at that from another angle though, he has been on the receiving end of all of my emotions. He knows that he put us here and that means working through all of this if we are going to be happy again.
Day 38: Sunday. If only I had to deal with this while I was awake.
Saturday night I was plagued with terrible nightmares. I kept waking up from one only to fall back asleep and have a completely different nightmare. It was awful. I woke up feeling completely drained and in a somber mood. I knew the day held its own set of challenges because of that.
I was quick to let my husband know about the nightmares and how I was feeling so that he could help me through the day. Hour by hour we worked through the day together but despite my (and I believe his) best efforts it slowly became more than I could handle. After a minor confrontation things quickly spiraled out of control and I shut down. I felt like he was telling me that something I was doing was not good enough (something domestic and unimportant in the grand scheme of things) and that is a feeling that I already struggle with on such a deep level. It caused so much pain and so much soul searching for answers that I do not have.
At some point, I told my husband that he was reminding me of himself during the affairs. I can't be sure but, I think that if he would have been pouring all of himself into our marriage instead of being out selfishly getting what he "wanted", then he would have had more to give to me. I think he would have been more understanding, more patient, more kind...I think he would have loved deeper and with all of him. So again, I can't be sure but, I think that the way that he reacted to our argument was reminiscent of the man that he no longer wants to be.
He didn't say much, that I remember, when I told him that I didn't like how he was acting towards me but apparently he walked away and thought about it because soon enough he apologized about how he had acted and told me that he is working on being a different, better man.
I am glad to say that I can see this. I can see change happening.
Once we put the babies to bed we watched a movie (why does every freaking movie have something to do with an affair?!?!). The movie itself was sad and somehow we ended up talking about some things.
I don't even know how the night ended how it did but I was asking questions and I ended up in a sobbing mess before I passed out eventually.
Oh, when can this be over?
Day 39: He let me sleep in. I really am so grateful for how he has picked up so much slack lately. Between the emotions I am dealing with over his infidelity and recovery from the surgery I feel useless sometimes. He has been so helpful and has not complained once, that I can remember.
Today was hard though. I feel like a mess again after last night. I feel like I have taken the inevitable "two steps forward, one step back". We are still coming out ahead but at a cost.
I am sitting here feeling like I am really about to fall apart and up pops a message from my husband.
I really needed this right now. While we were chatting he also added
Goodness, what I would give to have had this before all of the affairs.
Back on subject. -- Change. That is the word that has been in my head all night.
It is harder than I can tell you to put into words the emptiness that comes from knowing that he was not completely committed. That he was not loving me with all of him. That he wasn't always thinking about me or even us. It hurts. Hurts me in that dark, raw place that now exists.
I guess, all I can do now though is accept the change. The change that I see, and feel, happening. My husband, though he can say some very hurtful things, has always been generous with his kind words. Never can I point out a period of time when he has failed to compliment me, shower me with his praises of what a wonderful wife and mother I am, or tell me of his love for me. If his love were based on words alone I would have no doubt about how he feels for me.
Lately though, he has taken this to a whole new level. I cannot tell you how many times today alone he has told me that he loves me. I can really feel that he has a new love, a deeper love, for me and it feels good. Here's to hoping that his actions continue to mimic his words.
326 days. L-O-V-E
The holidays are just around the corner and I am feeling happy that our family is together. The thought of the season with us apart instantly brings me to tears. I hope that he is in this for real this time.
I was thinking the other night about how I want to be towards my husband. I do believe that he messed up, and messed up in a BIG way, but I do not believe that that qualifies me for treating him with disrespect. I haven't had too much trouble with keeping my thoughts in check or holding my tongue when I do have thoughts that, if I allowed myself to verbalize, would hurt him (and us) in the long run. I think what it all boils down to is the fact that I care about his feelings. I know that many would say that he does not deserve for me to treat him kindly but I have to disagree. He is still the man that I love and I do not see how tearing him down would be justified because he made a terrible mistake. I know that he has feelings and I intend to keep them intact as best as I can without sacrificing my own healing.
Looking at that from another angle though, he has been on the receiving end of all of my emotions. He knows that he put us here and that means working through all of this if we are going to be happy again.
Day 38: Sunday. If only I had to deal with this while I was awake.
Saturday night I was plagued with terrible nightmares. I kept waking up from one only to fall back asleep and have a completely different nightmare. It was awful. I woke up feeling completely drained and in a somber mood. I knew the day held its own set of challenges because of that.
I was quick to let my husband know about the nightmares and how I was feeling so that he could help me through the day. Hour by hour we worked through the day together but despite my (and I believe his) best efforts it slowly became more than I could handle. After a minor confrontation things quickly spiraled out of control and I shut down. I felt like he was telling me that something I was doing was not good enough (something domestic and unimportant in the grand scheme of things) and that is a feeling that I already struggle with on such a deep level. It caused so much pain and so much soul searching for answers that I do not have.
At some point, I told my husband that he was reminding me of himself during the affairs. I can't be sure but, I think that if he would have been pouring all of himself into our marriage instead of being out selfishly getting what he "wanted", then he would have had more to give to me. I think he would have been more understanding, more patient, more kind...I think he would have loved deeper and with all of him. So again, I can't be sure but, I think that the way that he reacted to our argument was reminiscent of the man that he no longer wants to be.
He didn't say much, that I remember, when I told him that I didn't like how he was acting towards me but apparently he walked away and thought about it because soon enough he apologized about how he had acted and told me that he is working on being a different, better man.
I am glad to say that I can see this. I can see change happening.
Once we put the babies to bed we watched a movie (why does every freaking movie have something to do with an affair?!?!). The movie itself was sad and somehow we ended up talking about some things.
I don't even know how the night ended how it did but I was asking questions and I ended up in a sobbing mess before I passed out eventually.
Oh, when can this be over?
Day 39: He let me sleep in. I really am so grateful for how he has picked up so much slack lately. Between the emotions I am dealing with over his infidelity and recovery from the surgery I feel useless sometimes. He has been so helpful and has not complained once, that I can remember.
Today was hard though. I feel like a mess again after last night. I feel like I have taken the inevitable "two steps forward, one step back". We are still coming out ahead but at a cost.
I am sitting here feeling like I am really about to fall apart and up pops a message from my husband.
Hey. I just want you to know that I miss you a lot. I love you so much and feel so blessed that you are my wife. I want you to know that I will hold you anytime you need to cry. I will continue to do whatever you need me to do until we get through this. I want YOU. I choose YOU. Thank you for choosing to stay with ME. YOU make me complete and I am so so sorry for the unthinkably horrible things that I did to US. I love you [Babe].
I really needed this right now. While we were chatting he also added
I'm not going anywhere... and by that I mean the [me with more clarity]
I will hold you for as long as you need
Goodness, what I would give to have had this before all of the affairs.
Back on subject. -- Change. That is the word that has been in my head all night.
It is harder than I can tell you to put into words the emptiness that comes from knowing that he was not completely committed. That he was not loving me with all of him. That he wasn't always thinking about me or even us. It hurts. Hurts me in that dark, raw place that now exists.
I guess, all I can do now though is accept the change. The change that I see, and feel, happening. My husband, though he can say some very hurtful things, has always been generous with his kind words. Never can I point out a period of time when he has failed to compliment me, shower me with his praises of what a wonderful wife and mother I am, or tell me of his love for me. If his love were based on words alone I would have no doubt about how he feels for me.
Lately though, he has taken this to a whole new level. I cannot tell you how many times today alone he has told me that he loves me. I can really feel that he has a new love, a deeper love, for me and it feels good. Here's to hoping that his actions continue to mimic his words.
326 days. L-O-V-E
Friday, November 19, 2010
Vulnerable
Day 36: I'm ready. I'm ready to be vulnerable again. I'm ready to feel loved again. The fear has left. I know that I love him and I want to move forward. What happened cannot be undone. We can't go back. I wish that we could but we can't so here we go. Life is too short to hang onto this pain and let it consume me. I want to make this the best that it can be and I want to be happy again.
I know there is still going to be pain. I know there are still going to be bad days...really bad days. I know that the road is still long and unpredictable. I am not going to let that stop us though. I am not going to stop us. My husband has committed himself to fixing him and us and I am going to give him fully the gift of forgiveness and reconciliation.
I believe that I could hang onto this but it would destroy me and I don't want to be destroyed. I want to live a happy life, full of love and laughter. I feel peaceful knowing that there were some really big pieces of me that my husband found and put back together. That he has been working hard since breaking me to repair me. Oh, how I wish that we could have had what we have now without all of this. Oh, I cannot even tell you. But again, we can't. We can't go back so we MUST go forward and I WANT to.
I know that he could hurt me again. I know that he has the power to break me again but I will not let that stop me. I will not let fear rule in my heart.
The book of Isaiah has tons of good truths to meditate on but this one really hits home right now.
I knew the night that I gave my husband a second chance at our love that it was not going to be easy. At the time all I knew was that I couldn't end it never knowing if we could have fixed it. I also knew that I was committing all over knowing that I was in this for the long haul all over again. I knew that he loved me. I knew that he wanted to try again. I knew that he was sorry.
What I didn't know what just how much he loved me. Just how much he was going to try again. And just how sorry he was.
That night I was also giving myself back over to him to care for.
What I didn't give him that night though was ALL of me. I was holding back afraid of the hurt. I was always honest about how I felt and never held any my emotions back but I was holding a piece of my heart back. Hanging on to what I thought was going to save me if he did this to me again. Last night I realized that I don't want to do that. I don't want to fool myself into thinking that if he ever does this again that hanging on to a little piece of my heart would save me from the pain. That hanging on to it would make me stronger or less vulnerable. It won't. It was a lie that I was telling myself. More than that though...if we make it, if we save this love, and I am very hopeful that we will, I don't want to look back and know that there was a part of me that wasn't there. That I still hadn't given all of me back to him and to us.
So here I am.
Am I scared? A little, but I'm not going to let that stop me.
Am I foolish? Some would probably say yes. I'd like to think no, I'm courageous.
Am I vulnerable? Yes, but I'm ready for it.
329 days. Trading My Sorrows. ♥
I know there is still going to be pain. I know there are still going to be bad days...really bad days. I know that the road is still long and unpredictable. I am not going to let that stop us though. I am not going to stop us. My husband has committed himself to fixing him and us and I am going to give him fully the gift of forgiveness and reconciliation.
I believe that I could hang onto this but it would destroy me and I don't want to be destroyed. I want to live a happy life, full of love and laughter. I feel peaceful knowing that there were some really big pieces of me that my husband found and put back together. That he has been working hard since breaking me to repair me. Oh, how I wish that we could have had what we have now without all of this. Oh, I cannot even tell you. But again, we can't. We can't go back so we MUST go forward and I WANT to.
I know that he could hurt me again. I know that he has the power to break me again but I will not let that stop me. I will not let fear rule in my heart.
The book of Isaiah has tons of good truths to meditate on but this one really hits home right now.
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10
I knew the night that I gave my husband a second chance at our love that it was not going to be easy. At the time all I knew was that I couldn't end it never knowing if we could have fixed it. I also knew that I was committing all over knowing that I was in this for the long haul all over again. I knew that he loved me. I knew that he wanted to try again. I knew that he was sorry.
What I didn't know what just how much he loved me. Just how much he was going to try again. And just how sorry he was.
That night I was also giving myself back over to him to care for.
What I didn't give him that night though was ALL of me. I was holding back afraid of the hurt. I was always honest about how I felt and never held any my emotions back but I was holding a piece of my heart back. Hanging on to what I thought was going to save me if he did this to me again. Last night I realized that I don't want to do that. I don't want to fool myself into thinking that if he ever does this again that hanging on to a little piece of my heart would save me from the pain. That hanging on to it would make me stronger or less vulnerable. It won't. It was a lie that I was telling myself. More than that though...if we make it, if we save this love, and I am very hopeful that we will, I don't want to look back and know that there was a part of me that wasn't there. That I still hadn't given all of me back to him and to us.
So here I am.
Am I scared? A little, but I'm not going to let that stop me.
Am I foolish? Some would probably say yes. I'd like to think no, I'm courageous.
Am I vulnerable? Yes, but I'm ready for it.
329 days. Trading My Sorrows. ♥
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Engraved on the Stone
Day 34: Yesterday was just another day in our life. Can't honestly remember much.
Day 35: Today I decided that I am putting all of me into this. I had already decided this on some level but today I really decided to let myself be here and present. I know that I can only control me and ultimately my husband is the one who is going to decide whether or not our marriage works. I am here. I never left. I am giving everything to fix this. I have a lot of hope.
More on this later.
Two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey,
They had an argument;
And one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt,
But without saying anything,
Wrote in the sand:
"Today my best friend
Slapped me in the face."
They kept on walking,
Until they found an oasis,
Where they decided to take a bath
The one who had been slapped
Got stuck in the mire and started drowning,
But the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning,
He wrote on a stone:
"Today my best friend
Saved my life."
The friend who had slapped
And saved his best friend asked him,
"After I hurt you,
You wrote in the sand and now,
You write on a stone, why?"
The friend replied
"When someone hurts us
We should write it down in sand,
Where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us,
We must engrave it in stone
Where no wind can ever erase it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Learn to write your hurts in the sand
And to carve your benefits on the stone.
330 days.
Day 35: Today I decided that I am putting all of me into this. I had already decided this on some level but today I really decided to let myself be here and present. I know that I can only control me and ultimately my husband is the one who is going to decide whether or not our marriage works. I am here. I never left. I am giving everything to fix this. I have a lot of hope.
| Engraved on the Stone |
Two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey,
They had an argument;
And one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt,
But without saying anything,
Wrote in the sand:
"Today my best friend
Slapped me in the face."
They kept on walking,
Until they found an oasis,
Where they decided to take a bath
The one who had been slapped
Got stuck in the mire and started drowning,
But the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning,
He wrote on a stone:
"Today my best friend
Saved my life."
The friend who had slapped
And saved his best friend asked him,
"After I hurt you,
You wrote in the sand and now,
You write on a stone, why?"
The friend replied
"When someone hurts us
We should write it down in sand,
Where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us,
We must engrave it in stone
Where no wind can ever erase it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Learn to write your hurts in the sand
And to carve your benefits on the stone.
330 days.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
STUCK
Day 33: Wow. I still have moments where I think that I am going to wake up from this. That it is all going to be a nightmare.
I still can't believe that this happened to us. I thought that we were so happy. That we had found a nice rut that made us happy. We were so busy as a family. We took the kids somewhere fun almost every weekend. We really made the most of our time. We did everything together and I thought that was the way that it was supposed to be. I thought that we were in this to make each other happy and in turn we would be happy. I sure was.
Now, I just don't know what to make of it all before. Almost all of my memories are tainted. He cheated on me once within weeks of our first anniversary and then started cheating on me again weeks after our third anniversary for over two and a half years. I believe than none of the other women meant anything to him. They were just new and exciting and fun. Something that I cannot compete with. How can I ever be enough just being me?
I feel like the very thing that he was after was now what he has stolen from us. There are so many things that I feel like I cannot give to him anymore. Things that I thought were just between the two of us. The thought of those things now only bring sadness, emptiness, hurt, betrayal, insecurity, pain, and anxiety. I feel like some things can never be special again.
I wish we could go back. I wish I could somehow fix all of this. But I know I can't. Even if we could go back I cannot fix him. I cannot make right the things that were wrong that he did not tell me about. The things that he did not even give me a fighting chance to help him fix. But I still wish that it could be like it was before.
I want to be happy again. I want to be myself again. I want to be free again.
I feel like nothing is new anymore. He has told me everything (I hope), I have run the gamut of emotions and back more times than I can count, and there are very few questions left to ask. I feel stuck. I have no idea how to move out of this stage of just going through the motions. That is exactly how I feel everyday. I feel too tired some days to let myself process so I just carry on with life's duties. I don't want to just go through the motions though. I want to feel happy in my soul and I don't.
This is hard -- I think walking away would have been easier in many ways -- but I hope that it is worth it.
332 days. Praising God in this storm.
I still can't believe that this happened to us. I thought that we were so happy. That we had found a nice rut that made us happy. We were so busy as a family. We took the kids somewhere fun almost every weekend. We really made the most of our time. We did everything together and I thought that was the way that it was supposed to be. I thought that we were in this to make each other happy and in turn we would be happy. I sure was.
Now, I just don't know what to make of it all before. Almost all of my memories are tainted. He cheated on me once within weeks of our first anniversary and then started cheating on me again weeks after our third anniversary for over two and a half years. I believe than none of the other women meant anything to him. They were just new and exciting and fun. Something that I cannot compete with. How can I ever be enough just being me?
I feel like the very thing that he was after was now what he has stolen from us. There are so many things that I feel like I cannot give to him anymore. Things that I thought were just between the two of us. The thought of those things now only bring sadness, emptiness, hurt, betrayal, insecurity, pain, and anxiety. I feel like some things can never be special again.
I wish we could go back. I wish I could somehow fix all of this. But I know I can't. Even if we could go back I cannot fix him. I cannot make right the things that were wrong that he did not tell me about. The things that he did not even give me a fighting chance to help him fix. But I still wish that it could be like it was before.
I want to be happy again. I want to be myself again. I want to be free again.
I feel like nothing is new anymore. He has told me everything (I hope), I have run the gamut of emotions and back more times than I can count, and there are very few questions left to ask. I feel stuck. I have no idea how to move out of this stage of just going through the motions. That is exactly how I feel everyday. I feel too tired some days to let myself process so I just carry on with life's duties. I don't want to just go through the motions though. I want to feel happy in my soul and I don't.
This is hard -- I think walking away would have been easier in many ways -- but I hope that it is worth it.
332 days. Praising God in this storm.
Monday, November 15, 2010
The First Month
Day 30 & 31: This weekend went by in a blur. I was in a lot of pain from the surgery and that combined with the medication that they prescribed made for a lot of sleepy time. I did see a nice side of my husband as he worked to take care of the babies, the house and me. I like this side of him.
My husband had a lot of insight this weekend looking at me in pain. He was commenting on how he has never seen me in this much pain, how I have birthed 3 babies without any drugs, and how as bad as this is that I must be hurting that much more inside. As hollow as it makes me feel to know that he can recognize the pain that I am in it relieves me to know that at least he notices and cares.
Day 32: Well it's official: this has been the worst month of my life by far. In one way I am glad that it is over but overall I am just incredibly sad that I had to endure this ordeal. What is worse than that though is that this is not over, no where even close to being over, and that only increases my sadness.
I am a sad, sad mess and the inside of me is a raw, dark place but it is not how I want to stay. OK some days I think that is what I want. To stay in this sadness -- it seems easier than working through the pain sometimes, to stay disconnected from my feelings, and to avoid asking anymore hard questions but really I want to move on. To heal and feel happy again. To trust and be vulnerable again. To live and let go again. That is what I really want so...despite the inner struggle going on I have been trying to choose to look at the blessings that are in my life and, as strange as it seems (believe me it is strange to me too), to look for the silver lining in all of this.
I read this from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and I have been focusing on this.
This is REALLY, really hard to cling to but I am going to read it and reread it until I can almost quote it. I decided weeks ago that I was not going to live with one foot out the door. I am not going to miss out on what we could make of our wounded love waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is much easier said than done and I most certainly struggle with this more often than I am successful at this point but I am determined. I am determined to let this become all that it can be. I am determined to feel loved again. I am determined to be happy again.
I am still grieving the loss of what we once had, what I thought we had and what will never have but I am not going to let that keep me in a dark place. If nothing else, I owe it to myself to find happiness again, beyond that I owe it to my babies and I owe it to my husband who is working hard to repair this hurt after I promised him another chance at our love.
333 days. My husband makes me happy and I'm not afraid to admit it.
My husband had a lot of insight this weekend looking at me in pain. He was commenting on how he has never seen me in this much pain, how I have birthed 3 babies without any drugs, and how as bad as this is that I must be hurting that much more inside. As hollow as it makes me feel to know that he can recognize the pain that I am in it relieves me to know that at least he notices and cares.
Day 32: Well it's official: this has been the worst month of my life by far. In one way I am glad that it is over but overall I am just incredibly sad that I had to endure this ordeal. What is worse than that though is that this is not over, no where even close to being over, and that only increases my sadness.
I am a sad, sad mess and the inside of me is a raw, dark place but it is not how I want to stay. OK some days I think that is what I want. To stay in this sadness -- it seems easier than working through the pain sometimes, to stay disconnected from my feelings, and to avoid asking anymore hard questions but really I want to move on. To heal and feel happy again. To trust and be vulnerable again. To live and let go again. That is what I really want so...despite the inner struggle going on I have been trying to choose to look at the blessings that are in my life and, as strange as it seems (believe me it is strange to me too), to look for the silver lining in all of this.
I read this from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and I have been focusing on this.
The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history. Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. And it may still hurt, but he has acknowledged his failure and asked your forgiveness. We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is an expression of love. "I love you. I care about you, and I choose to forgive you. Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience. You are not a failure because you have failed. You are my spouse, and together we will go on from here."
This is REALLY, really hard to cling to but I am going to read it and reread it until I can almost quote it. I decided weeks ago that I was not going to live with one foot out the door. I am not going to miss out on what we could make of our wounded love waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is much easier said than done and I most certainly struggle with this more often than I am successful at this point but I am determined. I am determined to let this become all that it can be. I am determined to feel loved again. I am determined to be happy again.
I am still grieving the loss of what we once had, what I thought we had and what will never have but I am not going to let that keep me in a dark place. If nothing else, I owe it to myself to find happiness again, beyond that I owe it to my babies and I owe it to my husband who is working hard to repair this hurt after I promised him another chance at our love.
333 days. My husband makes me happy and I'm not afraid to admit it.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Hurting...but not how you think.
Day 29: Another Friday. My mind has not been here today though. Not on the sadness but on the PAIN. I had surgery today to repair a hernia and today I HURT. I have never known this kind of pain and I hope never to again.
This weekend will be about resting and recovering in a different way but at the same time I hope that it helps my heart heal too. I am praying that this weekend gives me a chance to really see my husband in a new light as he takes care of me. I have been the primary caretaker of our family for the entirety of our marriage so this is a new role for both of us. I am excited to see what he has in store to GIVE to me.
I am tired. It's been a long day.
336 days. Looking FORWARD to seeing if I can I lean on him.
This weekend will be about resting and recovering in a different way but at the same time I hope that it helps my heart heal too. I am praying that this weekend gives me a chance to really see my husband in a new light as he takes care of me. I have been the primary caretaker of our family for the entirety of our marriage so this is a new role for both of us. I am excited to see what he has in store to GIVE to me.
I am tired. It's been a long day.
336 days. Looking FORWARD to seeing if I can I lean on him.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I wish...
Day 28: I have so much I want to complain about right now. I am so overwhelmed and so unbelievably sad but today I think despite what I really, REALLY, want to hang onto I am going to force myself to be thankful.
I wish I could express the love that I have for my husband. The unending, undying, most incredible love that I know. There is something really special about the love that I have for him. I honestly love him now more than the day that I married him. It is a stronger longer, a deeper love, a more honest love. I fell in love with him in high school but for 3 long years we were best friends and nothing more. After going our separate ways after high school and then finding each other and reconnecting while we were still many, many miles apart I still felt the spark that I always had and one night he told me that he loved me. The anniversary of that night is coming up soon and I still get butterflies thinking about that conversation. Shortly after that we started a long distance relationship and then decided that we wanted to be near one another so we made it happen. We were engaged soon after and were married that summer. It was an incredible time in our life together.
I wish that I could convince you of the wonderful man that my husband is despite this horrible (I'd go as far as assuming that it was the worst mistake in his life) mistake that he made. He is incredibly intelligent, undeniably funny, and amazingly witty among loads of other terrific qualities and on top of being a great father. I am grateful to have faced many of my own challenges with him by my side. So despite the excruciating pain that he has caused me I still find hope that I can love this man again with all of me.
I wish that I could explain the heart of my little man to you. He is such a joy to me. My little helper. My little side kick. My incredibly sensitive little guy. He provides laughter everyday with his unpredictable ramblings and inquisitive behaviors. He makes me proud as a big brother the way he adores his little sisters. I have been beyond blessed with the gift of my son.
I wish that I could hug you the way that my baby girl hugs. It is the most loving embrace. Full of happiness and joy and warmth. She has a way of making everything seem right when she wraps her little arms around my neck. I love the compassion that she has and how easily she forgives. I love also that she teaches me everyday how to be more patient. Her independence and strong will are enough to compete with mine and I am a better mom because of her.
I wish I could send you a smile from my newest little one. Those toothless grins are enough to melt your heart. I love looking into the eyes of this little girl of mine and knowing that I can make her happy. I love looking at her sleeping figure and having that sense of peace rush over me. I love the warm breath on my chest when she relaxes, knowing everything is perfect in Mommy's arms. I love the innocence and purity of her love.
I love knowing that I am safe in the arms of my Lord in all of this. I love knowing that HE will carry me through. I love knowing that I can lean on HIM and HE will never let me down.
So despite my sadness and emptiness today I will focus on what I am thankful for.
These are only a few.
337 days.
I wish I could express the love that I have for my husband. The unending, undying, most incredible love that I know. There is something really special about the love that I have for him. I honestly love him now more than the day that I married him. It is a stronger longer, a deeper love, a more honest love. I fell in love with him in high school but for 3 long years we were best friends and nothing more. After going our separate ways after high school and then finding each other and reconnecting while we were still many, many miles apart I still felt the spark that I always had and one night he told me that he loved me. The anniversary of that night is coming up soon and I still get butterflies thinking about that conversation. Shortly after that we started a long distance relationship and then decided that we wanted to be near one another so we made it happen. We were engaged soon after and were married that summer. It was an incredible time in our life together.
I wish that I could convince you of the wonderful man that my husband is despite this horrible (I'd go as far as assuming that it was the worst mistake in his life) mistake that he made. He is incredibly intelligent, undeniably funny, and amazingly witty among loads of other terrific qualities and on top of being a great father. I am grateful to have faced many of my own challenges with him by my side. So despite the excruciating pain that he has caused me I still find hope that I can love this man again with all of me.
I wish that I could explain the heart of my little man to you. He is such a joy to me. My little helper. My little side kick. My incredibly sensitive little guy. He provides laughter everyday with his unpredictable ramblings and inquisitive behaviors. He makes me proud as a big brother the way he adores his little sisters. I have been beyond blessed with the gift of my son.
I wish that I could hug you the way that my baby girl hugs. It is the most loving embrace. Full of happiness and joy and warmth. She has a way of making everything seem right when she wraps her little arms around my neck. I love the compassion that she has and how easily she forgives. I love also that she teaches me everyday how to be more patient. Her independence and strong will are enough to compete with mine and I am a better mom because of her.
I wish I could send you a smile from my newest little one. Those toothless grins are enough to melt your heart. I love looking into the eyes of this little girl of mine and knowing that I can make her happy. I love looking at her sleeping figure and having that sense of peace rush over me. I love the warm breath on my chest when she relaxes, knowing everything is perfect in Mommy's arms. I love the innocence and purity of her love.
I love knowing that I am safe in the arms of my Lord in all of this. I love knowing that HE will carry me through. I love knowing that I can lean on HIM and HE will never let me down.
So despite my sadness and emptiness today I will focus on what I am thankful for.
These are only a few.
337 days.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Entitled.
Day 27: It's getting worse. The pain is all coming back and the worthlessness is creeping in. I feel so unattractive that it hurts. I cannot believe that this is happening. I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare.
I feel like packing my bags today and leaving this all behind. Problem is that I will take this pain with me. Bigger problem is that I still love my husband and believe that we can make it. I want to make it I just don't want to hurt anymore. I want to feel like me again. I miss the old me. I liked the old me. I don't like the new me.
Someone wise always told me never to love someone more than they loved me and I am afraid that I have gone and done just the opposite. I love someone who loved me when it was convenient and took care of his desires the rest of the time. I feel so foolish BUT...
I feel like I was entitled to love with all of me. To trust blindly. To fall hard. To give him my whole heart. To be vulnerable. To believe his promise to me. To feel safe in his arms. To let him in.
I AM entitled to those things...just don't know if I will ever be able to do them again.
He told me today that he is sorry. Sorry that he wasn't 'here' for the last 6 years. I don't think that he was always 'gone' but I do appreciate his awareness that he missed out on so much. It just breaks my heart to know that I was giving to someone who wasn't even receiving. It hurts to know that while I was here loving him he was out betraying me. It kills me to know that the only person that had all of me broke me.
I believe he can change. I have no choice other than to believe this if I think we can fix this, but I really do believe that he can change. But will he? Will I ever be enough? Will I ever be the only one on his mind? Will I ever be the only one that he looks forward to seeing? I know that I cannot make myself be these things. There is NOTHING that I can do to make him want to want me -- and ONLY me. He did not do this because I am broken. He did not do this because our marriage is broken. He did this because he is broken.
I pray that while he is working hard to help me fix me and while he is working hard to fix himself that somehow I can find some strength to also help him fix himself. I feel like I have nothing to give to him. I feel like for now forgiveness and another chance will have to be enough until I can fix me to some degree. I love him and want to see him love himself.
338 days. I feel emotionally spent right now and severely scatter-brained.
I feel like packing my bags today and leaving this all behind. Problem is that I will take this pain with me. Bigger problem is that I still love my husband and believe that we can make it. I want to make it I just don't want to hurt anymore. I want to feel like me again. I miss the old me. I liked the old me. I don't like the new me.
Someone wise always told me never to love someone more than they loved me and I am afraid that I have gone and done just the opposite. I love someone who loved me when it was convenient and took care of his desires the rest of the time. I feel so foolish BUT...
I feel like I was entitled to love with all of me. To trust blindly. To fall hard. To give him my whole heart. To be vulnerable. To believe his promise to me. To feel safe in his arms. To let him in.
I AM entitled to those things...just don't know if I will ever be able to do them again.
He told me today that he is sorry. Sorry that he wasn't 'here' for the last 6 years. I don't think that he was always 'gone' but I do appreciate his awareness that he missed out on so much. It just breaks my heart to know that I was giving to someone who wasn't even receiving. It hurts to know that while I was here loving him he was out betraying me. It kills me to know that the only person that had all of me broke me.
I believe he can change. I have no choice other than to believe this if I think we can fix this, but I really do believe that he can change. But will he? Will I ever be enough? Will I ever be the only one on his mind? Will I ever be the only one that he looks forward to seeing? I know that I cannot make myself be these things. There is NOTHING that I can do to make him want to want me -- and ONLY me. He did not do this because I am broken. He did not do this because our marriage is broken. He did this because he is broken.
I pray that while he is working hard to help me fix me and while he is working hard to fix himself that somehow I can find some strength to also help him fix himself. I feel like I have nothing to give to him. I feel like for now forgiveness and another chance will have to be enough until I can fix me to some degree. I love him and want to see him love himself.
338 days. I feel emotionally spent right now and severely scatter-brained.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
My bubble. My safe place.
Day 26: Well, it seems like anytime I set out to have a good night it I end up crying half the night. Last night he came home and I asked him if he had any other email accounts (don't know why, just something that crossed my mind). He told me about one that he did have and said that it was the one that he used to IM the woman that he worked with (none of this was really new news). I was looking through it and happened upon her in his contacts list. It hurt. It hurt mostly because this was not a work email. This was a personal email that he never uses and the only other contact in it was me. -cries- It really sent me to the dark side. I started asking questions and he started retelling the story to me again but this time he inserted the conversation in which he told her that he wanted to see her naked and have sex with her.
Another part of my heart broke last night. This was not an affair that ended up sexual but it was physical and to know that he wanted more is like a knife in the heart. He told me that it was an emotional affair, with two physical encounters, that took place over a three week period and ended when we found out we were expecting our third baby. Oh...I feel like this will never end.
After finding out that there were more details to that story I made him retell the other stories as well. I wish it weren't so, but I want to know everything. EVERYTHING. It hurts, more than anything ever has, but I just need to know so that I can start putting it behind me. In telling the other stories I also learned that he kissed the first girl (5 years ago) and put his hands all over the many, many woman that he saw only once.
I pray that this is it. That I know everything. I feel like we started over last night. The tiny layer of scab that had formed over this raw wound was peeled back. Oh, the pain.
He also thinks that he may be a sex addict. This is something that I don't know if I am willing to deal with. To start with, I have always been one to think that most addictions are merely excuses for bad habits. Bad behavior with a name to it means to me that you have an "out" if you "cannot" overcome it. LAME! Sorry, but pull up your boot straps and say NO! I have vices, I have things that call my name (nothing quite as damaging) but I don't make room for them in my life. Another problem with this is that if he is in fact a sex addict, I don't know if I have the stamina to stick around for him to get better.
He told me last night that he often fantasizes about having sex with woman that he sees and I cannot put them all into categories but he did confirm when I asked if he meant co-workers. I just don't know how to process this information. There are ways to check up on where he is, has been, is going but I can never know what is in his mind and I fear this could ruin us. I am not willing to let myself not be enough.
I told him about a week ago that when things got hard not to let me run but this doesn't even feel hard. This feels like something that I am just not willing to fight against. It's just not fair.
It's amazing how last night at 10:00 I was feeling hopeful and by midnight I felt less than worthless.
I don't feel special anymore. I feel no different than any of those other women that he chose to be with. Actually, I feel lower than them. He made a commitment to me. When can this nightmare be over? I don't even know how to be happy anymore. Well, I do, but we cannot go back so...
Last night I told him that sometimes I feel worse for spouses who have been married for decades and suddenly are faced with this but I don't know anymore. I feel like I would trade a lifetime of thinking I was happy than having to face a lifetime with this pain.
If I live an average life span I've got about 55 years left. 55 freaking years with a broken heart. 55 years of triggers and tears. 55 years of pain and sorrow. 55 years!
I miss my bubble. My safe place where I knew he wasn't capable of this. My safe place where I was loved and adored and the only one. My safe place where I lived in his heart and in his arms. My safe place where I knew I could fall, and fall hard, and he would always be there to catch me. My safe place where I was vulnerable and innocent and blissful. My safe place where all of my dreams would come true. My safe place where my heart was safe. My safe place. My bubble.
339 days. I have NO idea where I am headed.
Another part of my heart broke last night. This was not an affair that ended up sexual but it was physical and to know that he wanted more is like a knife in the heart. He told me that it was an emotional affair, with two physical encounters, that took place over a three week period and ended when we found out we were expecting our third baby. Oh...I feel like this will never end.
After finding out that there were more details to that story I made him retell the other stories as well. I wish it weren't so, but I want to know everything. EVERYTHING. It hurts, more than anything ever has, but I just need to know so that I can start putting it behind me. In telling the other stories I also learned that he kissed the first girl (5 years ago) and put his hands all over the many, many woman that he saw only once.
I pray that this is it. That I know everything. I feel like we started over last night. The tiny layer of scab that had formed over this raw wound was peeled back. Oh, the pain.
He also thinks that he may be a sex addict. This is something that I don't know if I am willing to deal with. To start with, I have always been one to think that most addictions are merely excuses for bad habits. Bad behavior with a name to it means to me that you have an "out" if you "cannot" overcome it. LAME! Sorry, but pull up your boot straps and say NO! I have vices, I have things that call my name (nothing quite as damaging) but I don't make room for them in my life. Another problem with this is that if he is in fact a sex addict, I don't know if I have the stamina to stick around for him to get better.
He told me last night that he often fantasizes about having sex with woman that he sees and I cannot put them all into categories but he did confirm when I asked if he meant co-workers. I just don't know how to process this information. There are ways to check up on where he is, has been, is going but I can never know what is in his mind and I fear this could ruin us. I am not willing to let myself not be enough.
I told him about a week ago that when things got hard not to let me run but this doesn't even feel hard. This feels like something that I am just not willing to fight against. It's just not fair.
It's amazing how last night at 10:00 I was feeling hopeful and by midnight I felt less than worthless.
I don't feel special anymore. I feel no different than any of those other women that he chose to be with. Actually, I feel lower than them. He made a commitment to me. When can this nightmare be over? I don't even know how to be happy anymore. Well, I do, but we cannot go back so...
Last night I told him that sometimes I feel worse for spouses who have been married for decades and suddenly are faced with this but I don't know anymore. I feel like I would trade a lifetime of thinking I was happy than having to face a lifetime with this pain.
If I live an average life span I've got about 55 years left. 55 freaking years with a broken heart. 55 years of triggers and tears. 55 years of pain and sorrow. 55 years!
I miss my bubble. My safe place where I knew he wasn't capable of this. My safe place where I was loved and adored and the only one. My safe place where I lived in his heart and in his arms. My safe place where I knew I could fall, and fall hard, and he would always be there to catch me. My safe place where I was vulnerable and innocent and blissful. My safe place where all of my dreams would come true. My safe place where my heart was safe. My safe place. My bubble.
339 days. I have NO idea where I am headed.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Today I Am HOPEFUL
Day 23: Saturday. We had a lovely day. Our little girl turned 2 and we celebrated with family. The day was full of people and little time to think but I did find myself looking around at one point and realizing that no one knows. NO ONE knows and as of right now, no one will ever know. It's not that I cannot handle people knowing it's goes back to what I said last week. There is no one who can help me and therefore there is no reason for anyone to know. That evening when everything settled down, everyone was gone, the babies were in bed and we just had time for us it was a little sad. I was a little sad. I missed my husband while everyone was here. We did not have much time for us and it was hard when I thought about it. I wish we could run off to the middle of nowhere. I've always had that desire but, now more than ever, I wish it could become a reality.
Day 24: Sunday. Yesterday SUCKED! No other way to put it. I wanted to get out of the house and because of a break down in communication and some serious putzing around we never ended up leaving. I ended the evening in tears before my husband left to get a movie for the kids to watch before bed. He came back with the movie, some flowers and a card. It meant a lot to know that he had thought about the day. Once the babies were in bed and we had some time to ourselves I had so much on my mind that I ended up crying my eyes out before we went to bed. UGH. The healing part of the night though was the commitment from my husband to step it up. This last week was hard and I felt like he had lost sight of his promise to help me fix us.
Day 25: Today. Today was a pretty good day. This morning my husband got up and got going like he said he would. THAT was a good feeling. No nagging, no reminding. He read some insightful articles online and began journaling in order to get some feedback from some people who have been down this road already. Later we got out of the house and I spent a little money on some yarn to make a hat for a friend. It is something that I love to do and was happy to go to the craft store and poke around for a few minutes. On our way home from the store out of NO WHERE I just got really sad and started crying. He reached over and held my hand and apologized for making the mistakes that he did that cause this sadness. I really feel like he is in this to fix it even though there is still a LOT of hard work ahead of us.
I mentioned independent counseling for him today and he agreed that he had thought about it. I am not sure how we are going to do it if he needs/wants it but I feel like the sacrifice is worth it if it is going to help him find the root of his problems.
340 days. Today I am hopeful.
Day 24: Sunday. Yesterday SUCKED! No other way to put it. I wanted to get out of the house and because of a break down in communication and some serious putzing around we never ended up leaving. I ended the evening in tears before my husband left to get a movie for the kids to watch before bed. He came back with the movie, some flowers and a card. It meant a lot to know that he had thought about the day. Once the babies were in bed and we had some time to ourselves I had so much on my mind that I ended up crying my eyes out before we went to bed. UGH. The healing part of the night though was the commitment from my husband to step it up. This last week was hard and I felt like he had lost sight of his promise to help me fix us.
Day 25: Today. Today was a pretty good day. This morning my husband got up and got going like he said he would. THAT was a good feeling. No nagging, no reminding. He read some insightful articles online and began journaling in order to get some feedback from some people who have been down this road already. Later we got out of the house and I spent a little money on some yarn to make a hat for a friend. It is something that I love to do and was happy to go to the craft store and poke around for a few minutes. On our way home from the store out of NO WHERE I just got really sad and started crying. He reached over and held my hand and apologized for making the mistakes that he did that cause this sadness. I really feel like he is in this to fix it even though there is still a LOT of hard work ahead of us.
I mentioned independent counseling for him today and he agreed that he had thought about it. I am not sure how we are going to do it if he needs/wants it but I feel like the sacrifice is worth it if it is going to help him find the root of his problems.
340 days. Today I am hopeful.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Because
Day 22: 3 weeks ago I was sitting here on the computer thinking about starting a blog. A blog about all of the good things in our life. About all of the fun things that we do as a family. All of the excitement that goes on around here on a daily basis. All of the entertainment that comes with having 3 babies that are 3 and under! I was sitting here as content as a clam when he walked in.
These last 3 weeks have been some of the best and worst of my life. The best because I still have 3 little babies that I love more than anything. The best because I am still absolutely in awe of what God has given me. The best because I have a newborn that sleeps in my arms every night and 2 toddlers who smother me with love and kisses everyday. The best because I still love my husband. The best because he says he's changed.
The worst...well need I explain? Because my life fell apart. Because the fantasy that I was living in came crumbling down around me. Because the man that I thought loved me more than anything took that away from me. Because where my once open and trusting heart was is now a raw, dark place. Because I have had to ask the most horrible questions and hear the most horrible truths. Because I now belong to a club that no one wants to join. Because I have no idea how I am ever going to be ok. Because my life wasn't what I thought it was. Because the man that I love, and always have, betrayed me. Because now everyday is a struggle. Because I have the most unbelievable pain. Because my babies see me cry more than they ever should. Because I feel broken beyond repair. Because I feel like I will never be 'myself' again. Because I am so uncertain of the future. Because I can't make the hurt go away. Because I cannot stop thinking about why he did this to me. Because I cannot stop wishing that I was having a nightmare. Because this is never going away. Because healing from this only means that I will have learned to accept and cope with this. Because accepting and coping with this means that it really happened. Because going to sleep means trying to turn my thoughts off. Because waking up means facing another day of this confusion. Because I know anger is coming and I am afraid of that. Because I'm holding on to the man that may hurt me again.
343 days. Because I still love this man.
These last 3 weeks have been some of the best and worst of my life. The best because I still have 3 little babies that I love more than anything. The best because I am still absolutely in awe of what God has given me. The best because I have a newborn that sleeps in my arms every night and 2 toddlers who smother me with love and kisses everyday. The best because I still love my husband. The best because he says he's changed.
The worst...well need I explain? Because my life fell apart. Because the fantasy that I was living in came crumbling down around me. Because the man that I thought loved me more than anything took that away from me. Because where my once open and trusting heart was is now a raw, dark place. Because I have had to ask the most horrible questions and hear the most horrible truths. Because I now belong to a club that no one wants to join. Because I have no idea how I am ever going to be ok. Because my life wasn't what I thought it was. Because the man that I love, and always have, betrayed me. Because now everyday is a struggle. Because I have the most unbelievable pain. Because my babies see me cry more than they ever should. Because I feel broken beyond repair. Because I feel like I will never be 'myself' again. Because I am so uncertain of the future. Because I can't make the hurt go away. Because I cannot stop thinking about why he did this to me. Because I cannot stop wishing that I was having a nightmare. Because this is never going away. Because healing from this only means that I will have learned to accept and cope with this. Because accepting and coping with this means that it really happened. Because going to sleep means trying to turn my thoughts off. Because waking up means facing another day of this confusion. Because I know anger is coming and I am afraid of that. Because I'm holding on to the man that may hurt me again.
343 days. Because I still love this man.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
A Valley
Day 20: Wednesday. I could not get out of my funk yesterday. Not even enough to write more than this: This week has been very overwhelming. I feel like I am not getting enough sleep but as soon as I lay down my head gets overrun by tons of thoughts and questions. I just cannot turn my mind off anymore. I need a break, a day off...no, what I really need if for this to be a nightmare. I need to wake up and know this isn't real.
I'm in a bad place right now. I listen to the same song over and over and over and just cry.
Day 21: Today was a bit better. I slept better last night than I have in a LONG time. Maybe because my husband and I made love last night. Maybe because I let myself go a bit and let him love me. I don't know but I woke up feeling a bit refreshed. Too bad that was short lived due to a grumpy husband. I don't know if he was totally grumpy or if I was being sensitive, because I KNOW that I am sensitive, but either way there were a handful of moments today that really upset me. I just want him to be patient with me ALL of the time. I know that I am not always patient and it is something that I need to work on, and I know that he cannot be perfect but oh, how it would be nice.
When he got to work and called me to let me know that he was there (part of what I need in this healing process) there was some miscommunication and then some emails that were not coming through and that led me to a mini meltdown. I felt like he was not being understanding today about the situation that he put us in and that hurts. He has been so good for the last 3 weeks. Done just about everything right. Says alot of the right things. Has been open with me and accommodating but the last few days I feel like he is running out of steam. I really want this to work but I know that means that he has to be up to the hard work of helping me heal and I know what a huge project that I am. -sigh- When is this going to get easier? This week feels like it was harder than the last week.
Emotions are running high, sleep is hard to attain, and I feel like we are one misunderstanding away from a really nasty fight. A fight that is going to make me (and maybe him) want to run as fast as I can away from all of this. All of this sadness, all of this pain, all of this hurt. I feel like we are nearing a valley and I wish I knew how to turn us around before we hit the bottom. I just hope that we can get through the next few days without it all blowing up. We have a birthday party for our sweet little girl this weekend and I do not want to ruin it.
With that in mind, this weekend will be full of fake smiles and pretending. Don't get me wrong, my husband still makes me happy, still makes my heart smile, still is the man that I love but it hurts to be around other people still. It hurts to know that I am pushing back emotions that need to be felt. Holding back tears that need to be cried. I want to look people in the eyes when I tell them we are 'good'. I want to feel confident when they ask about our holiday plans. I want to KNOW that this isn't the last birthday that we will celebrate together as a family.
344 days. I want our happy life back.
I'm in a bad place right now. I listen to the same song over and over and over and just cry.
Day 21: Today was a bit better. I slept better last night than I have in a LONG time. Maybe because my husband and I made love last night. Maybe because I let myself go a bit and let him love me. I don't know but I woke up feeling a bit refreshed. Too bad that was short lived due to a grumpy husband. I don't know if he was totally grumpy or if I was being sensitive, because I KNOW that I am sensitive, but either way there were a handful of moments today that really upset me. I just want him to be patient with me ALL of the time. I know that I am not always patient and it is something that I need to work on, and I know that he cannot be perfect but oh, how it would be nice.
When he got to work and called me to let me know that he was there (part of what I need in this healing process) there was some miscommunication and then some emails that were not coming through and that led me to a mini meltdown. I felt like he was not being understanding today about the situation that he put us in and that hurts. He has been so good for the last 3 weeks. Done just about everything right. Says alot of the right things. Has been open with me and accommodating but the last few days I feel like he is running out of steam. I really want this to work but I know that means that he has to be up to the hard work of helping me heal and I know what a huge project that I am. -sigh- When is this going to get easier? This week feels like it was harder than the last week.
Emotions are running high, sleep is hard to attain, and I feel like we are one misunderstanding away from a really nasty fight. A fight that is going to make me (and maybe him) want to run as fast as I can away from all of this. All of this sadness, all of this pain, all of this hurt. I feel like we are nearing a valley and I wish I knew how to turn us around before we hit the bottom. I just hope that we can get through the next few days without it all blowing up. We have a birthday party for our sweet little girl this weekend and I do not want to ruin it.
With that in mind, this weekend will be full of fake smiles and pretending. Don't get me wrong, my husband still makes me happy, still makes my heart smile, still is the man that I love but it hurts to be around other people still. It hurts to know that I am pushing back emotions that need to be felt. Holding back tears that need to be cried. I want to look people in the eyes when I tell them we are 'good'. I want to feel confident when they ask about our holiday plans. I want to KNOW that this isn't the last birthday that we will celebrate together as a family.
344 days. I want our happy life back.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
A Note
Written on Day 4.
My Love,
I don't know how to figure out how to live with this hurt. I don't know hot to move beyond knowing that I can never be the only one. It is a pain that I know will never go away. It is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. It is not something that I ever expected and it hurts. I've never known this kind of hurt. This kind of pain.
The part of me that wants to stay is too scared to be hurt again. To relive this all over again. To know that I could have (should have) avoided it. That part of me is the part of me that knows that I'll never stop loving you. That you'll always have a piece of my (now broken) heart.
Staying means though that I have to commit to us all over again. Staying means that in a year if things are still not good that I am still in it for the long haul. Staying means I am committing to forever again. Committing means I have to accept this pain. I have to learn how to live a lie for awhile. I have to trust. I have to believe. I have to hope and love and FEEL! I have to feel this pain everyday for who knows how long. I have to feel this pain every time I realize I am pretending. I have to feel this pain every time I look at another couple and figure that he has probably never been unfaithful to his devoted wife. Feel this pain every time I see a pregnant woman with her husband. A family who is enjoying a day. I have to feel this pain as I do dishes and laundry. Feel this pain everyday as you leave, not knowing what the day holds. Have to feel this pain every night as I wait for you to come home. Every night as I try to turn my thoughts off to go to sleep. Every time you try to hold me, kiss me. LOVE me!
Feel this pain for how long? I don't know. Some of it will ease with time. OK, all of it will ease with time but some of it I will feel forever. It is now just a part of who I am. A part of me no matter what I decide to do.
The part of me that wants to go knows eventually I will be ok. I will move on. I will make a new life. I will learn how to live with this broken heart of mine. I will learn how to live a life I never wanted.
I will learn how to meet the babies' needs in a new way. I will learn how to prioritize my life and time to give them everything that they deserve. I will figure out how to be what they need. I will learn to keep them happy and loved. We will be ok. I will learn how not to be depressed. How to move on for them. How to love again (...maybe). How to trust again? That, I don't know.
There is a part of me that is sad. Another hurt. Another numb. Another angry... resentful... shamed... empty... alone... regretful... scared... unloved... betrayed... shocked... depressed... defiled... Another still in disbelief.
You must remember -- It is crucial.-- that I never stopped loving you. I never wanted this. I never saw this coming. I never knew that this was even a possibility. I never knew our life had the potential to include this.
You have left me with a decision that no one should ever have to make. A decision that I don't know how to make. A decision that, no matter what, doesn't make this pain go away. Doesn't fill this hole in my heart. Doesn't stop these tears.
I never thought this could happen to me. To us. To our kids.
Leaving means our newborn will never really know you. She will never have Mommy the way she should have. She will do all kinds of things for the first time without me there. She will not grow up in my arms. She will not be another Daddy's Little Girl.
Leaving means our baby girl will wonder and ask and cry for you. She will remember this life but not much of it. She will have us in her memory but not able to ever know what she really knew or what she saw in pictures.
Leaving means our little man will cry and act out. He will hurt and ask lots of questions that I won't always have the answers for. He will wonder why? He will try to comfort me. He will know when I am sad. He will talk about you and ask about you. He will miss you and wonder why you are not with us. He will ask to call you and see you. He will break my heart with his sadness.
Leaving means I get to move on. I get to start the process of accepting all of this. Of making it something that does not consume me. I will learn to let it be a part of who I am but not all of who I am. I will learn to live again with a smile on my face.
Leaving means that I am at less of a risk of post partum depression. That I can focus on the babies and the life that I can give them.
Leaving means saying goodbye. Goodbye to my dreams. Goodbye to the life that I wanted. Goodbye to my best friend. Goodbye to the man that I love.
Staying means that I have to believe that you can do this. Staying means that I have believe that I can heal enough to be a wife again. Staying means that I have to trust that you can get better, that you will get better. Staying means believing that you can change...have changed. Staying means trusting you. Trusting that I can have bad days on end without you getting angry, frustrated, impatient. Trust that I can be vulnerable. Trust that you can be who I need. Staying means that I have to trust that you can (and will) stick by me until I heal enough to move on. That you will stick by me until I am strong enough to be myself again, to really trust again. Strong enough to hold back my tears. Trusting you enough to make love again.
Staying means that I have to believe that the babies and I are your top priority. Above all else. Above your needs and wants. Above your habits. Above your impulses. Trusting that we are enough for you. Trusting that you think of us before you make decisions.
Staying means knowing that you are committing to me all over. To us. You are committed to our happiness. To our needs. You are done caring for yourself first. You are committed to accepting me as I am. Accepting our life for what it offers and learning that that is enough.
This is not a note telling you what I am doing. Our marriage means more to me than diminishing it down to a line on a piece of paper.
These are some of my thoughts.
A story without an end.
A love without a purpose right now.
A thought without a meaning.
...?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I wrote this note I thought I was leaving. Leaving for good. I thought I was moving on and picking up the pieces as best as I could. I could not see any happiness in staying. Could not see how I could possibly heal.
I decided later that night before he came home that I was going to stay. That I was going to give this all I had. That he was worth the risk, once again.
346 days. I love this man. I really do.
My Love,
I don't know how to figure out how to live with this hurt. I don't know hot to move beyond knowing that I can never be the only one. It is a pain that I know will never go away. It is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. It is not something that I ever expected and it hurts. I've never known this kind of hurt. This kind of pain.
The part of me that wants to stay is too scared to be hurt again. To relive this all over again. To know that I could have (should have) avoided it. That part of me is the part of me that knows that I'll never stop loving you. That you'll always have a piece of my (now broken) heart.
Staying means though that I have to commit to us all over again. Staying means that in a year if things are still not good that I am still in it for the long haul. Staying means I am committing to forever again. Committing means I have to accept this pain. I have to learn how to live a lie for awhile. I have to trust. I have to believe. I have to hope and love and FEEL! I have to feel this pain everyday for who knows how long. I have to feel this pain every time I realize I am pretending. I have to feel this pain every time I look at another couple and figure that he has probably never been unfaithful to his devoted wife. Feel this pain every time I see a pregnant woman with her husband. A family who is enjoying a day. I have to feel this pain as I do dishes and laundry. Feel this pain everyday as you leave, not knowing what the day holds. Have to feel this pain every night as I wait for you to come home. Every night as I try to turn my thoughts off to go to sleep. Every time you try to hold me, kiss me. LOVE me!
Feel this pain for how long? I don't know. Some of it will ease with time. OK, all of it will ease with time but some of it I will feel forever. It is now just a part of who I am. A part of me no matter what I decide to do.
The part of me that wants to go knows eventually I will be ok. I will move on. I will make a new life. I will learn how to live with this broken heart of mine. I will learn how to live a life I never wanted.
I will learn how to meet the babies' needs in a new way. I will learn how to prioritize my life and time to give them everything that they deserve. I will figure out how to be what they need. I will learn to keep them happy and loved. We will be ok. I will learn how not to be depressed. How to move on for them. How to love again (...maybe). How to trust again? That, I don't know.
There is a part of me that is sad. Another hurt. Another numb. Another angry... resentful... shamed... empty... alone... regretful... scared... unloved... betrayed... shocked... depressed... defiled... Another still in disbelief.
You must remember -- It is crucial.-- that I never stopped loving you. I never wanted this. I never saw this coming. I never knew that this was even a possibility. I never knew our life had the potential to include this.
You have left me with a decision that no one should ever have to make. A decision that I don't know how to make. A decision that, no matter what, doesn't make this pain go away. Doesn't fill this hole in my heart. Doesn't stop these tears.
I never thought this could happen to me. To us. To our kids.
Leaving means our newborn will never really know you. She will never have Mommy the way she should have. She will do all kinds of things for the first time without me there. She will not grow up in my arms. She will not be another Daddy's Little Girl.
Leaving means our baby girl will wonder and ask and cry for you. She will remember this life but not much of it. She will have us in her memory but not able to ever know what she really knew or what she saw in pictures.
Leaving means our little man will cry and act out. He will hurt and ask lots of questions that I won't always have the answers for. He will wonder why? He will try to comfort me. He will know when I am sad. He will talk about you and ask about you. He will miss you and wonder why you are not with us. He will ask to call you and see you. He will break my heart with his sadness.
Leaving means I get to move on. I get to start the process of accepting all of this. Of making it something that does not consume me. I will learn to let it be a part of who I am but not all of who I am. I will learn to live again with a smile on my face.
Leaving means that I am at less of a risk of post partum depression. That I can focus on the babies and the life that I can give them.
Leaving means saying goodbye. Goodbye to my dreams. Goodbye to the life that I wanted. Goodbye to my best friend. Goodbye to the man that I love.
Staying means that I have to believe that you can do this. Staying means that I have believe that I can heal enough to be a wife again. Staying means that I have to trust that you can get better, that you will get better. Staying means believing that you can change...have changed. Staying means trusting you. Trusting that I can have bad days on end without you getting angry, frustrated, impatient. Trust that I can be vulnerable. Trust that you can be who I need. Staying means that I have to trust that you can (and will) stick by me until I heal enough to move on. That you will stick by me until I am strong enough to be myself again, to really trust again. Strong enough to hold back my tears. Trusting you enough to make love again.
Staying means that I have to believe that the babies and I are your top priority. Above all else. Above your needs and wants. Above your habits. Above your impulses. Trusting that we are enough for you. Trusting that you think of us before you make decisions.
Staying means knowing that you are committing to me all over. To us. You are committed to our happiness. To our needs. You are done caring for yourself first. You are committed to accepting me as I am. Accepting our life for what it offers and learning that that is enough.
This is not a note telling you what I am doing. Our marriage means more to me than diminishing it down to a line on a piece of paper.
These are some of my thoughts.
A story without an end.
A love without a purpose right now.
A thought without a meaning.
...?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I wrote this note I thought I was leaving. Leaving for good. I thought I was moving on and picking up the pieces as best as I could. I could not see any happiness in staying. Could not see how I could possibly heal.
I decided later that night before he came home that I was going to stay. That I was going to give this all I had. That he was worth the risk, once again.
346 days. I love this man. I really do.
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Results are In.
Day 16: Saturday. Another cold day here in the Midwest but it ended nice and steamy. I really had no idea how long it would take to be passionate, let alone, intimate with my husband again. I was thinking months at least. We went out for the afternoon to buy some warmer house clothes, went to dinner as a family, and then picked up a movie to watch after the babies were all in bed. The movie put me in a terrible mood. It was about a couple who was rediscovering the love and passion of their marriage during a traumatic date night and I just couldn't stop wishing that that is how things could have worked for us. Couldn't stop wishing that my husband would have talked to me. So after mentioning my bad mood a few times to my husband we went to bed with me feeling like he was ignoring how I felt. I finally told him how I was feeling before I went to sleep upset with him and him not knowing until the morning. He said he was just trying to talk about other things to put me in a better mood. Fair enough, I appreciated his efforts, but told him that that is not what I needed. I needed to talk about it. Get it off my chest. So we talked, made up, he kissed me and well ya know what happened after that? The end. No, not really. Ha!
After a nice talk about how I was feeling and how he was feeling we both decided it was best to wait for his test results to come back. He wants our "first time" to be special and I totally agree. I do not want to have something else taken from me and bad tests results would do just that. So once we decided that we were going to wait we got all tangled up and made each other crazy. It was scary to let go. It was scary to feel what I was feeling but it was nice to feel happy in his arms again.
Day 17: Sunday. We went to pick up a few things for our little girl's birthday. Cannot believe how fast time has gone. We spent the day at the mall and found a few perfect little things. After wards we picked up some steaks and headed over to my sister-in-law and brother-in-law's house to visit and have dinner. It was nice to see them. It's been a few weeks. We had a nice visit and I only had a few moments where I was alone to my thoughts. Unfortunately those were thoughts of how hurt my SIL would be to know what her brother had done to me and that only solidified my resolve to never tell anyone.
Not only would it hurt her but there would be no good in it for me to tell her. That is how I feel about a lot of our family. There are a few categories that people can be placed into.
*The "I am so sorry for you. Are you ok? What can I do for you? Tell me how I can help. I understand why you stayed." group.
-These people tempt me to tell them. They are the people I feel safe with BUT in the end they can't help me. I am more complex than anyone I know. These people love me and want the best for me but don't have the tools to help me. I will end up trying to help them help me thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people do not need to know.
*The "Oh my goodness! I cannot believe he did this to you (and the babies) and this hurts ME" group.
-These people will need constant reassurance that things are going ok and we are working on our marriage thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people also do not need to know.
*The "I think you're crazy/dumb/foolish/pathetic/desperate for staying" group.
-These people I will have to constantly be explaining myself to and defending my position thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. They do not deserve to know.
and...
*The "It was just an affair. He told you about it. Get over it. Move on with life. It's not the end of the world." group.
-These people will suck life and hope from me. They will make me doubt myself and wonder why I'm not better yet thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people also do not deserve to know.
I have some very good and caring people in my life. Some that fall into each group but they cannot help me. It's hard being me sometimes.
Day 18. Today. Today was a blah day. I didn't get much done and never quite got going. I have found a wonderful forum, and though I hate that I am there, and what it represents, I think that it is going to be helpful. I read a LOT on there today. It helps, in a strange way, knowing that other people REALLY know how I feel. Goodness, how I wish NOONE ever had to feel this way though. Noone had to have their heart ripped from their chest only to pick it up and try to piece it back together and put in back where it belongs.
I think I am on a plateau today. I am not overly emotional either way. I don't know if this is part of accepting what has happened or if it is just me still denying it.
On a good note, the results are in and everything came back negative. Praise God. I was so worried about my babies and what it meant for us as individuals, as a family and for our recovery and healing if suddenly we had to also face a disease.
My husband came home with the results in hand and told me and then after we shared a moment of relief together he told me how he couldn't stop thinking about how God punished David for his actions by bringing harm to his family. God said to David, "Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife" 2 Samuel 12:10 It was hard to see him really in anguish over what he could have done to our babies (and me) but also reassuring to know that he cares about us (if only he would have been thinking about us the first time he decided to be selfish). However, God is good and, though He is just, He spared us from this. I am holding onto this happiness.
My husband is on his way home with pumpkin pie and apple cider and I am going to enjoy it (and him) and go to bed. I suppose since I am feeling a bit on the fence with my emotions tonight I will take the opportunity to DECIDE how I am going to feel and in favor of healing I am going to have a good night.
347 days left. Here's to one happy night of many!
After a nice talk about how I was feeling and how he was feeling we both decided it was best to wait for his test results to come back. He wants our "first time" to be special and I totally agree. I do not want to have something else taken from me and bad tests results would do just that. So once we decided that we were going to wait we got all tangled up and made each other crazy. It was scary to let go. It was scary to feel what I was feeling but it was nice to feel happy in his arms again.
Day 17: Sunday. We went to pick up a few things for our little girl's birthday. Cannot believe how fast time has gone. We spent the day at the mall and found a few perfect little things. After wards we picked up some steaks and headed over to my sister-in-law and brother-in-law's house to visit and have dinner. It was nice to see them. It's been a few weeks. We had a nice visit and I only had a few moments where I was alone to my thoughts. Unfortunately those were thoughts of how hurt my SIL would be to know what her brother had done to me and that only solidified my resolve to never tell anyone.
Not only would it hurt her but there would be no good in it for me to tell her. That is how I feel about a lot of our family. There are a few categories that people can be placed into.
*The "I am so sorry for you. Are you ok? What can I do for you? Tell me how I can help. I understand why you stayed." group.
-These people tempt me to tell them. They are the people I feel safe with BUT in the end they can't help me. I am more complex than anyone I know. These people love me and want the best for me but don't have the tools to help me. I will end up trying to help them help me thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people do not need to know.
*The "Oh my goodness! I cannot believe he did this to you (and the babies) and this hurts ME" group.
-These people will need constant reassurance that things are going ok and we are working on our marriage thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people also do not need to know.
*The "I think you're crazy/dumb/foolish/pathetic/desperate for staying" group.
-These people I will have to constantly be explaining myself to and defending my position thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. They do not deserve to know.
and...
*The "It was just an affair. He told you about it. Get over it. Move on with life. It's not the end of the world." group.
-These people will suck life and hope from me. They will make me doubt myself and wonder why I'm not better yet thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people also do not deserve to know.
I have some very good and caring people in my life. Some that fall into each group but they cannot help me. It's hard being me sometimes.
Day 18. Today. Today was a blah day. I didn't get much done and never quite got going. I have found a wonderful forum, and though I hate that I am there, and what it represents, I think that it is going to be helpful. I read a LOT on there today. It helps, in a strange way, knowing that other people REALLY know how I feel. Goodness, how I wish NOONE ever had to feel this way though. Noone had to have their heart ripped from their chest only to pick it up and try to piece it back together and put in back where it belongs.
I think I am on a plateau today. I am not overly emotional either way. I don't know if this is part of accepting what has happened or if it is just me still denying it.
On a good note, the results are in and everything came back negative. Praise God. I was so worried about my babies and what it meant for us as individuals, as a family and for our recovery and healing if suddenly we had to also face a disease.
My husband came home with the results in hand and told me and then after we shared a moment of relief together he told me how he couldn't stop thinking about how God punished David for his actions by bringing harm to his family. God said to David, "Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife" 2 Samuel 12:10 It was hard to see him really in anguish over what he could have done to our babies (and me) but also reassuring to know that he cares about us (if only he would have been thinking about us the first time he decided to be selfish). However, God is good and, though He is just, He spared us from this. I am holding onto this happiness.
My husband is on his way home with pumpkin pie and apple cider and I am going to enjoy it (and him) and go to bed. I suppose since I am feeling a bit on the fence with my emotions tonight I will take the opportunity to DECIDE how I am going to feel and in favor of healing I am going to have a good night.
347 days left. Here's to one happy night of many!
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