Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Ephesians 4:26
Well, we didn't BUT we were up until 4am. OYE. I can't even tell you now what it was about. There wasn't a huge blow up. There wasn't any screaming. There were some tears and eventually we made up enough to go to bed.
He got up early and took all of the babies (yes, all three) out to get donuts. It was sweet. I got up while they were gone and got going without anyone pulling on my clothes while I brushed my teeth and put in my contacts. He came back and we worked on getting the house in order so that we could go on our date.
Our date was fabulous. He made reservations at this nice Asian Restaurant in a town just north of us. We got seated at these tables that you had to sit down and put you feet into the floor under the table. It was interesting but very comfortable once you got down there. It worked out great because I just laid a blanket on the "seat" beside me and the baby laid there and played while we ate. We ordered my favorite roll (smoked salmon, cream cheese, cucumbers, and avocado) and their signature roll plus Pad Thai (my favorite Thai dish) and crispy scallops. We ended up bringing a lot of food home! They also brought me out lemon raspberry crumb ice cream for my birthday but refrained from banging on the gong.
After dinner we decided just to come straight back home to hang out with the lovely people who watched our babies for us. They made me a cake while we were gone and had a sweet, sweet card and a lovely gift for me. The guys ended up staying up super late playing the Wii while her and I both passed out on the couch sometime around midnight. It was a lot of fun!
Day 150: Daylight Savings Time worked against us and we didn't have time to get ready for church. We got up and played with the babies and then decided to take them to the Science Museum. We've been talking about it for months but wanted to wait until all of the holidays were over because we wanted to buy a pass. All day long was a struggle for me. I was trying so hard to keep a happy face on but I was triggering like crazy. I don't even know why. Despite the battle that was going on within (and the severe lack of sleep that my husband -- him more so -- and I were facing) we pulled the day off with only a few minor speed bumps.
We came home and made dinner together and ended the evening on a good note. Last night we had a good heart to heart and I told him about something that was nagging at me. I knew it was probably going to hurt but I felt I needed to tell him.
I stopped seeing the chiropractor in December. I couldn't quite put my finger on why I suddenly had an aversion but a few weeks ago it hit me. On my last appointment with him (the chiro) I was having a really, really bad day. I guess he and I had developed enough of a "friendship" because I almost told him about the affairs.
I remember long ago my husband's Grandma (wow, how I miss her dearly) told me never to confide in another man. Never go to another man with my hearthache. Never to lay my head on another man's shoulder and cry -- which I took literally and figuratively. Oh, the foresight that she had. I could have never guessed then the trials that our marriage would face, the men in my life that would be available for me to confide in (this happened once before with a coworker of mine. I nearly told him about the troubles Kevin and I were facing surrounding his drug habit then) or the havoc it would wreak on my heart thinking back on it all.
So I told my husband last night. Not to hurt him but just to be honest about my feelings. I am proud of myself for not giving up in my weakness. Not allowing myself to justify it. I am proud for giving that to my husband. I am so sad that he was hurt last night though. It just broke my heart. Through my tears I told him that I was sorry that he was hurt. He said that it hurt to know that there was another man who was available to me to confide in and that it especially hurt because he has not always been. I hate that he has this information that could haunt him but I believe that he will use it to push himself further.
I believe that he is showing big signs of healing. I wonder if he feels forgiven these days. I forgive him. I did long ago. I should tell him again. I wonder, though, if he feels forgiven by himself. I can't wait for that day.
Day 151: My birthday is tomorrow. The two month and eighteen day gap will be closed. He will no longer be numerically older than me! Another year. I am feeling it lately. At the ripe old age of twenty-seve (tomorrow) I have more than my fair share of white hair and they seem to be multiplying exponentially these days. I'm trying to take it in stride but there's no fooling myself that I'm in my early twenties anymore. Ah well.
All I want is a day of good memories to look back on. Not because it is my birthday necessarily but because I will remember it because it is. Makes sense, right? I just want to look back and smile. I don't care if we lay in bed all day with the babies and do nothing but giggle. I just want it to be a good day. I don't want it to be another day tainted with the hurt and sadness. I know that's asking for a lot and putting a lot of pressure on the day. It'd be easier to ask for a fancy gift and an exquisite meal. That could easily be delivered.
214: Goodbye twenty-six.
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