Forgetting

Day 170: We went grocery shopping.

Ahhhh, why do we do this to ourselves? Go out on a Saturday to the grocery store? We know better and we have time during the week. We had put it off way too long though and it had to be done. It was a mellow day other than that.

We went for a drive at bedtime. It was the first time that we've ever driven past our first apartment. Oh my, it's so small. I remember it feeling so big when we lived there on our own all alone just after we got married. It brought back some happy memories. We were so young and in love. I look back now and realize that things were not as they seemed but I still have a smile in my heart thinking about the time that we spent there.

Life was hard sometimes, marriage came with a learning curve but our love was perfect and untouchable. I'd like to think that it still is.

Day 171: Wow! I woke up with  ton of energy and spent five hours in my sewing room organizing and cleaning. It was well worth it. He helped me finish it and then he moved on to some clutter areas of the house and tackled those. Then we piled in the van and got out of the house. I told him that I felt bad that I had spent such a long time in that room when so many other areas of the house need addressed. He said that he was so happy because that is where a lot of my stress comes from and now that it is efficient I will be more productive...which equals less stress. I love when he sees the positive that I cannot.

While we were out we saw that a local Border's (bookstore) was closing for good and was having a really great sale. We let the babies each pick a book and then found some great reads for people on our Christmas list. They are also selling all of their shelving and accessories and I scored tons of pegboard hooks for five dollars. I don't expect anyone else to be excited about this but the frugal part of me was (and still is) jumping for joy over the amount of money that I saved. Not to mention how much more I can hang in my sewing room. What a great find!

Day 172: We were up late so we slept in and then had to go return some movies. The morning was a bit tense but we muscled through without fighting.

We ate lunch out and then had to go straight home so that he could leave for work. On the way home I was suddenly overcome with sadness. I am so tired of feeling the way that I do. I am scared that I am, day by day, forgetting who I was before all of this. Forgetting the happy, secure, confident, care-free girl that I was. I'm also afraid that he is going to get over me being like this.

I was sobbing with my face in my hands and telling him all of this. He said that among the things that make me sad and that make me worry that I do not need to add to it the thought of him getting over this. He said that he is never leaving and that I can take my time in getting better. He said that we are working on a new normal and learning a new way to be happy.

193 days. He said that we have forever to figure this out.