Friday, April 22, 2011
Schedule
Day 188: He's worked four different shifts this week but he'll be on first shift starting next week. Trying to find a new routine around here so that I can get back to blogging.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Party!
Day 183: What a party!
We were up until three am preparing and then up around seven. Wow. It was a huge success though and well worth our efforts. We made it a point to hang out with each other during the party. We always get wrapped up in entertaining and lose the day without seeing much of one another. We did pretty well.
When everyone had left we took the babies in and had dinner and relaxed the rest of the night with them.
Oh, what fun!
Day 184: What a bust.
A few hours after we all woke up I was driving away -- just the babies and me -- to get away from him. It was so far from what I was hoping for the day. I drove about 20 miles before I turned around to come back to get him since talking on the phone convinced me that he was in a better mood.
We went to the toy store to let our little man spend some of his birthday money and proceeded to again get into a fight. After ruining the day for our little people we were home for the day and I pretty much ignored him until they all went to bed. It's so hard not to run away when it hurts so much. I try not to let it get the best of me but it's all I can do when the pain is overwhelming me.
We talked...he says he gets what's hurting me and what he can change. He says it'll change. So far whenever he says that it happens so I'm hopeful.
Day 181: There's pain in healing.
We were up until three am preparing and then up around seven. Wow. It was a huge success though and well worth our efforts. We made it a point to hang out with each other during the party. We always get wrapped up in entertaining and lose the day without seeing much of one another. We did pretty well.
When everyone had left we took the babies in and had dinner and relaxed the rest of the night with them.
Oh, what fun!
Day 184: What a bust.
A few hours after we all woke up I was driving away -- just the babies and me -- to get away from him. It was so far from what I was hoping for the day. I drove about 20 miles before I turned around to come back to get him since talking on the phone convinced me that he was in a better mood.
We went to the toy store to let our little man spend some of his birthday money and proceeded to again get into a fight. After ruining the day for our little people we were home for the day and I pretty much ignored him until they all went to bed. It's so hard not to run away when it hurts so much. I try not to let it get the best of me but it's all I can do when the pain is overwhelming me.
We talked...he says he gets what's hurting me and what he can change. He says it'll change. So far whenever he says that it happens so I'm hopeful.
Day 181: There's pain in healing.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Day 182: I woke up after having a nightmare that a man had just blown my toes off after shooting me and was now demanding $5400 for my life from my mother and she would not cooperate. He was ready to shoot me as I was pleading with him, in front of my husband and children, to think about my family. The police were there are were going right along with his antics. Wha?!?!
That pleasant mood that I woke up in (<---- can you hear the sarcasm dripping from that?) was quickly replaced with a flood of sadness when I remembered what day it was.
I've been dreading this day. Maybe from the day that I knew I would stay, but if not, from very early on. Today marks six months. Six months of sadness, loneliness, insecurity, uncertainty, betrayal, confusion, brokenness, hurt. Six months of fighting and trying and winning and losing. Six months of living with a broken heart. Today also was the "sobriety" day that we (I) celebrated every year. Every year with cards and praise and a big to do to anyone who would listen. I had such pride. There is so much emptiness in today.
Someday I might be able to move forward and celebrate his new sobriety day but for now it just seems so lost on me.
183 days. Someday (<---- link)
That pleasant mood that I woke up in (<---- can you hear the sarcasm dripping from that?) was quickly replaced with a flood of sadness when I remembered what day it was.
I've been dreading this day. Maybe from the day that I knew I would stay, but if not, from very early on. Today marks six months. Six months of sadness, loneliness, insecurity, uncertainty, betrayal, confusion, brokenness, hurt. Six months of fighting and trying and winning and losing. Six months of living with a broken heart. Today also was the "sobriety" day that we (I) celebrated every year. Every year with cards and praise and a big to do to anyone who would listen. I had such pride. There is so much emptiness in today.
Someday I might be able to move forward and celebrate his new sobriety day but for now it just seems so lost on me.
183 days. Someday (<---- link)
Thursday, April 14, 2011
He's Four
Day 181: Wow. My little man is four.
We woke up and had chocolate cheesecake brownies for breakfast. I love breaking the rules for birthdays! He opened his gift from us and played with his sister for awhile. The afternoon we spent playing and building him up, convincing him how much stronger and taller and smarter he is now that he is four! It was such a fun day.
We spent the evening painting and playing outside.
The day was a struggle in so many ways. Looking at my little man growing up is hard enough but with only about 4 hours of sleep it was even harder. My littlest girl was restless last night (which is rare for her) and on top of going to bed late I was laying awake with her for so long last night. So today I ran on fumes. There is so much left to do tomorrow but I think I will be motivated by procrastination.
184 days. So much to say. So little focus and energy.
We woke up and had chocolate cheesecake brownies for breakfast. I love breaking the rules for birthdays! He opened his gift from us and played with his sister for awhile. The afternoon we spent playing and building him up, convincing him how much stronger and taller and smarter he is now that he is four! It was such a fun day.
We spent the evening painting and playing outside.
The day was a struggle in so many ways. Looking at my little man growing up is hard enough but with only about 4 hours of sleep it was even harder. My littlest girl was restless last night (which is rare for her) and on top of going to bed late I was laying awake with her for so long last night. So today I ran on fumes. There is so much left to do tomorrow but I think I will be motivated by procrastination.
184 days. So much to say. So little focus and energy.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
You Only Have One Life
Day 180: Four year ago tonight my water broke and I was getting ready to meet our first little one. It was so amazing. I still cannot believe he will be four tomorrow. I wish I could bottle up time.
Last night was terrible. We saw it coming but there was no way around it (as far as I could tell). There were so many tears. So, so, so, so many. More than there have been in weeks, maybe months.
It all started with a hypothetical question -- something quite innocent on his part -- but ended up with us both feeling even more depressed and beaten down.
He's so sorry and I can see that. "You only have one life. ONE. And I've messed both of ours up." I cannot describe the pain that I felt when I heard him say that. I hurt so badly that he hurts. I just want to wrap him up and take all of his pain away. I can't stand to see the sadness on his face from all of this.
Ugh, I can't do this tonight. It's too hard right now.
185 days. With a broken heart...that's still beating.
Last night was terrible. We saw it coming but there was no way around it (as far as I could tell). There were so many tears. So, so, so, so many. More than there have been in weeks, maybe months.
It all started with a hypothetical question -- something quite innocent on his part -- but ended up with us both feeling even more depressed and beaten down.
He's so sorry and I can see that. "You only have one life. ONE. And I've messed both of ours up." I cannot describe the pain that I felt when I heard him say that. I hurt so badly that he hurts. I just want to wrap him up and take all of his pain away. I can't stand to see the sadness on his face from all of this.
Ugh, I can't do this tonight. It's too hard right now.
185 days. With a broken heart...that's still beating.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Sluggish
Day 179: Ugh. I'm sleeping in again, a lot.
He tried to get me up three times this morning before I finally rolled out of bed. He came in every time and rubbed my face and shoulders and was so nice about it. He made coffee and unloaded the dishwasher. All of the things that I ask him to do. I am fading right now. Fading back into the misery of all of this.
By the time I woke up we didn't have time to do what we had planned but still he was patient with me.
Tomorrow we have lots to do. It is the last day that our little man will be three. I cannot believe it. Thursday (his birthday!) there will be a small party with just the five of us. He has requested chocolate cheesecake brownies so that is what he will be getting. Saturday will be family and food and lots of fun with a golf theme! I'm excited for him. It's all about him right now and you can see his enthusiasm.
I have to finish up some things tonight but I'm hoping to go to bed at a reasonable hour so that I can get up in the morning and not be sluggish.
186 days. Maybe it's time for a vitamin D supplement. There's just not enough sunlight yet.
He tried to get me up three times this morning before I finally rolled out of bed. He came in every time and rubbed my face and shoulders and was so nice about it. He made coffee and unloaded the dishwasher. All of the things that I ask him to do. I am fading right now. Fading back into the misery of all of this.
By the time I woke up we didn't have time to do what we had planned but still he was patient with me.
Tomorrow we have lots to do. It is the last day that our little man will be three. I cannot believe it. Thursday (his birthday!) there will be a small party with just the five of us. He has requested chocolate cheesecake brownies so that is what he will be getting. Saturday will be family and food and lots of fun with a golf theme! I'm excited for him. It's all about him right now and you can see his enthusiasm.
I have to finish up some things tonight but I'm hoping to go to bed at a reasonable hour so that I can get up in the morning and not be sluggish.
186 days. Maybe it's time for a vitamin D supplement. There's just not enough sunlight yet.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Paperwork
Day 177: I have no idea what happened. I cannot remember still. We fought all day though.
I eventually dragged myself out of the house with him and we took the babies to the park where we had a blast. I really needed some fresh air.
After the park we went to the ice cream stand and all of us had a treat.
Day 178: We cleaned! He did so much while I putzed around and got some things done as well. He went through most of our paperwork and organized it. It's been far too long.
Every now and then I was looking though some of the things that were on the table. Too much of it made me sad. Old calendars (that I keep for the babies milestones) have sobriety days and "business dinners" and trips back home scattered throughout. I finally had to tell myself to stop looking through.
It all hurts too much. I feel like I am losing my mind (or I am pushing so much away so that i don't have to feel it all).
187 days. When will I be free?
I eventually dragged myself out of the house with him and we took the babies to the park where we had a blast. I really needed some fresh air.
After the park we went to the ice cream stand and all of us had a treat.
Day 178: We cleaned! He did so much while I putzed around and got some things done as well. He went through most of our paperwork and organized it. It's been far too long.
Every now and then I was looking though some of the things that were on the table. Too much of it made me sad. Old calendars (that I keep for the babies milestones) have sobriety days and "business dinners" and trips back home scattered throughout. I finally had to tell myself to stop looking through.
It all hurts too much. I feel like I am losing my mind (or I am pushing so much away so that i don't have to feel it all).
187 days. When will I be free?
Friday, April 8, 2011
Cleaning
Day 175: Spent most of the day out with some of our favorite people. Picked my husband up from work and we came home and went pretty much went straight to bed to "hang out". My mind was going hundred miles a minute but he took some time to help me calm down and then we made love. I feel so good in his arms.
Day 176: Took the babies out to play at a play center this morning after we made a small grocery trip. We are planning on cleaning this weekend since we have a party next weekend. I cannot believe my little man is going to be four. Where does time go?
I was just holding him today and rocking him in my arms remembering when he used to fit in my lap. Oh, the tears are flowing again. It just goes too quickly.
I feel like my husband and I are doing better but there is still something in the way for me. Probably me. I'm going to do my best this weekend to have a good attitude. It's been pretty terrible lately.
189 days. Deep breath.
Day 176: Took the babies out to play at a play center this morning after we made a small grocery trip. We are planning on cleaning this weekend since we have a party next weekend. I cannot believe my little man is going to be four. Where does time go?
I was just holding him today and rocking him in my arms remembering when he used to fit in my lap. Oh, the tears are flowing again. It just goes too quickly.
I feel like my husband and I are doing better but there is still something in the way for me. Probably me. I'm going to do my best this weekend to have a good attitude. It's been pretty terrible lately.
189 days. Deep breath.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
His Love
Day 173: What a terrible day.
I woke up the worst mood after having two nightmares that left me feeling like I hadn't slept. I was a huge grouch all day. My poor babies got the short end of the stick and by last night I was just ready to start over.
He was remarkably patient with me despite my foul mood. I can't wait until this is over. What does that even mean? I typed it out and then thought about it. It's never all going to be over. It's never going to go away. So sad. I guess this is the new me and while I hate that I am learning to accept it. I never wanted to accept it and yet here I am knowing that this is what I have to work with now. It kills me.
While so much of me has been put back together there are still more shattered pieces than I can count. I just want to be whole again. I just want to be me again. Not this me. The old me. The happy me.
Day 174: He let me sleep and sleep and sleep. I woke up at nearly eleven o'clock. I hadn't realize quite how tired I was until I woke up feeling refreshed. When he brought the baby back in to me at nine I thought that I would just nurse her and leave her in bed asleep like I normally do. Not until I woke up still next to her did I realize that I had even fallen back asleep.
I had a productive day today and I feel pretty good despite the fact that Mount Laundry has once again peaked. This time on my couch though. I was going to fold it tonight but I holed up in my sewing room to get a few things finished. He said that if I folded he would put it away so I really should get motivated. OYE. If I ever got rich I'd hire a housekeeper. It's the one thing that no matter how hard I try it just does not come naturally.
In other news I got a lovely gift in the mail from a friend today and it made my day. She surprised me with a handmade quilt in my favorite colors and with my favorite flower. It's nice to feel loved -- and I do!
Tomorrow I am keeping the car and the babies and I are going out shopping with a few of our favorite people. It should be fun! I'm excited to get out of routine tomorrow! I wish my husband could come with us. I always miss him more when I'm out without him.
191 days. His Love Will Conquer All (<----)
I woke up the worst mood after having two nightmares that left me feeling like I hadn't slept. I was a huge grouch all day. My poor babies got the short end of the stick and by last night I was just ready to start over.
He was remarkably patient with me despite my foul mood. I can't wait until this is over. What does that even mean? I typed it out and then thought about it. It's never all going to be over. It's never going to go away. So sad. I guess this is the new me and while I hate that I am learning to accept it. I never wanted to accept it and yet here I am knowing that this is what I have to work with now. It kills me.
While so much of me has been put back together there are still more shattered pieces than I can count. I just want to be whole again. I just want to be me again. Not this me. The old me. The happy me.
Day 174: He let me sleep and sleep and sleep. I woke up at nearly eleven o'clock. I hadn't realize quite how tired I was until I woke up feeling refreshed. When he brought the baby back in to me at nine I thought that I would just nurse her and leave her in bed asleep like I normally do. Not until I woke up still next to her did I realize that I had even fallen back asleep.
I had a productive day today and I feel pretty good despite the fact that Mount Laundry has once again peaked. This time on my couch though. I was going to fold it tonight but I holed up in my sewing room to get a few things finished. He said that if I folded he would put it away so I really should get motivated. OYE. If I ever got rich I'd hire a housekeeper. It's the one thing that no matter how hard I try it just does not come naturally.
In other news I got a lovely gift in the mail from a friend today and it made my day. She surprised me with a handmade quilt in my favorite colors and with my favorite flower. It's nice to feel loved -- and I do!
Tomorrow I am keeping the car and the babies and I are going out shopping with a few of our favorite people. It should be fun! I'm excited to get out of routine tomorrow! I wish my husband could come with us. I always miss him more when I'm out without him.
191 days. His Love Will Conquer All (<----)
Monday, April 4, 2011
Forgetting
Day 170: We went grocery shopping.
Ahhhh, why do we do this to ourselves? Go out on a Saturday to the grocery store? We know better and we have time during the week. We had put it off way too long though and it had to be done. It was a mellow day other than that.
We went for a drive at bedtime. It was the first time that we've ever driven past our first apartment. Oh my, it's so small. I remember it feeling so big when we lived there on our own all alone just after we got married. It brought back some happy memories. We were so young and in love. I look back now and realize that things were not as they seemed but I still have a smile in my heart thinking about the time that we spent there.
Life was hard sometimes, marriage came with a learning curve but our love was perfect and untouchable. I'd like to think that it still is.
Day 171: Wow! I woke up with ton of energy and spent five hours in my sewing room organizing and cleaning. It was well worth it. He helped me finish it and then he moved on to some clutter areas of the house and tackled those. Then we piled in the van and got out of the house. I told him that I felt bad that I had spent such a long time in that room when so many other areas of the house need addressed. He said that he was so happy because that is where a lot of my stress comes from and now that it is efficient I will be more productive...which equals less stress. I love when he sees the positive that I cannot.
While we were out we saw that a local Border's (bookstore) was closing for good and was having a really great sale. We let the babies each pick a book and then found some great reads for people on our Christmas list. They are also selling all of their shelving and accessories and I scored tons of pegboard hooks for five dollars. I don't expect anyone else to be excited about this but the frugal part of me was (and still is) jumping for joy over the amount of money that I saved. Not to mention how much more I can hang in my sewing room. What a great find!
Day 172: We were up late so we slept in and then had to go return some movies. The morning was a bit tense but we muscled through without fighting.
We ate lunch out and then had to go straight home so that he could leave for work. On the way home I was suddenly overcome with sadness. I am so tired of feeling the way that I do. I am scared that I am, day by day, forgetting who I was before all of this. Forgetting the happy, secure, confident, care-free girl that I was. I'm also afraid that he is going to get over me being like this.
I was sobbing with my face in my hands and telling him all of this. He said that among the things that make me sad and that make me worry that I do not need to add to it the thought of him getting over this. He said that he is never leaving and that I can take my time in getting better. He said that we are working on a new normal and learning a new way to be happy.
193 days. He said that we have forever to figure this out.
Ahhhh, why do we do this to ourselves? Go out on a Saturday to the grocery store? We know better and we have time during the week. We had put it off way too long though and it had to be done. It was a mellow day other than that.
We went for a drive at bedtime. It was the first time that we've ever driven past our first apartment. Oh my, it's so small. I remember it feeling so big when we lived there on our own all alone just after we got married. It brought back some happy memories. We were so young and in love. I look back now and realize that things were not as they seemed but I still have a smile in my heart thinking about the time that we spent there.
Life was hard sometimes, marriage came with a learning curve but our love was perfect and untouchable. I'd like to think that it still is.
Day 171: Wow! I woke up with ton of energy and spent five hours in my sewing room organizing and cleaning. It was well worth it. He helped me finish it and then he moved on to some clutter areas of the house and tackled those. Then we piled in the van and got out of the house. I told him that I felt bad that I had spent such a long time in that room when so many other areas of the house need addressed. He said that he was so happy because that is where a lot of my stress comes from and now that it is efficient I will be more productive...which equals less stress. I love when he sees the positive that I cannot.
While we were out we saw that a local Border's (bookstore) was closing for good and was having a really great sale. We let the babies each pick a book and then found some great reads for people on our Christmas list. They are also selling all of their shelving and accessories and I scored tons of pegboard hooks for five dollars. I don't expect anyone else to be excited about this but the frugal part of me was (and still is) jumping for joy over the amount of money that I saved. Not to mention how much more I can hang in my sewing room. What a great find!
Day 172: We were up late so we slept in and then had to go return some movies. The morning was a bit tense but we muscled through without fighting.
We ate lunch out and then had to go straight home so that he could leave for work. On the way home I was suddenly overcome with sadness. I am so tired of feeling the way that I do. I am scared that I am, day by day, forgetting who I was before all of this. Forgetting the happy, secure, confident, care-free girl that I was. I'm also afraid that he is going to get over me being like this.
I was sobbing with my face in my hands and telling him all of this. He said that among the things that make me sad and that make me worry that I do not need to add to it the thought of him getting over this. He said that he is never leaving and that I can take my time in getting better. He said that we are working on a new normal and learning a new way to be happy.
193 days. He said that we have forever to figure this out.
Friday, April 1, 2011
He's sick.
Day 169: He's getting sicker and I seemed to have plateaued for now. I hope I don't get any worse.
I'm hoping for a relaxing weekend. We had an opportunity to go out to a company dinner but we don't want to leave the baby. She's at an age where sometimes she only wants Mommy and we're ok with that even if it means missing a night out with adults!
I still love just hanging out with him. Just us, at home, doing nothing. I think I'll focus on pampering him. It's been awhile.
He's amazing.
196 days. Still working on healing.
I'm hoping for a relaxing weekend. We had an opportunity to go out to a company dinner but we don't want to leave the baby. She's at an age where sometimes she only wants Mommy and we're ok with that even if it means missing a night out with adults!
I still love just hanging out with him. Just us, at home, doing nothing. I think I'll focus on pampering him. It's been awhile.
He's amazing.
196 days. Still working on healing.
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