"I want to always be a positive."

Day 65: Saturday. I had been anticipating this day for awhile. 300 days left, then 299. For me it seemed like how it feels when you are losing weight and you hit a milestone number. It was all in my head though.

I voiced to my husband about what day it was and, though it stung a little bit, he put it into perspective. He said that there is nothing waiting for us at the end of this year. At the end of these 365 days. It's true and it made me a little sad inside.

I hope that when we get to that day that I can at least look back and see that he has been true to his word. That he has grown a lot. That we have a stronger marriage. That I am his first priority. That he is a better man because he has searched and worked to overcome his demons. That he has forgiven himself. That he feels loved and forgiven. That I am back to a place where I can trust him. That I feel loved and cherished. That most of my pieces are back where they once were. That we are still moving forward with hope.

But...I know that we will also have to look back and see what we have lost. What he gave away. What he nearly threw away. What I have become because of this. How my heart hurts now. The dreams that we had that will never come true.

Noteworthy: I was fiddling with my wedding/engagement band and felt something rough. I looked down to see that one (of the seven) diamonds is loose and had just about fallen out. I am over the moon that I did not lose the stone but I am SO sad that I will be without a ring (they are all three -- engagement, wedding, anniversary -- soldered together) until we can get it fixed. Considering we have a deductible to pay and have to replace 3 car seats, I am not sure when it will get to the top of the priority list. -sad-


Day 66: Sunday. We had wonderful family come and watch our two older babies and we went out and finished Christmas shopping. I was hoping that it was going to be more fun and exciting than it turned out to be.

I think there were a few contributing factors -- I felt rushed because our help ended up arriving 2 hours late and I still wanted to get home at a reasonable hour to feed everyone dinner so I was trying to be efficient by sending him to do something in the store while I was doing something else. I was also just in a funk from the last week -- it was a taxing week, though I didn't quite realize how taxing until yesterday. He seems to be missing the mark with me, though he says he is still trying just as hard as he has been. Also, he seemed totally into what we were doing, totally in a decent mood, but maybe in the same kind of funk that I was in. We normally can have fun doing nothing so it was surprising that this was a dud.

I have been trying to communicate my feelings to him and I am either doing a really poor job or he is hearing me but not really doing anything to try to fix it.* I don't know. I am frustrated. The weekend held some really poor moments between the two of us and I told him. Nothing major -- no meltdowns. Just everyday things that are hurtful to me, us and our marriage.

He has been really hard on me about things that I am doing. It hurts. It hurts so much because I believe that he is changing. I believe that he is here now. I believe that he REALLY wants things to be great between us. I believe all of the wonderful things that he says to me. I believe that he hurts when I hurt. I believe it all. I believe that he is living an honest, transparent, open life with me now (and based on all proof he is doing everything he should be doing -- going to work, dropping by the grocery store...) BUT I am still very raw, very sensitive (hyper-sensitive, if you will), and on the edge of sadness and insecurity at any given moment.

*I was chatting with him while I was writing my blog and he put into words what I was feeling but not effectively communicating to him.

I say something.
He responds and it hurts my feelings.
I tell him that and he gets defensive because he was "just responding".
I say "it's not WHAT you said, it's HOW you said it."
He gets frustrated.
I get frustrated.
Rinse and repeat.

We were just chatting about the last week (again) and how it had been hard on me and why and yadda, yadda and he said, "I want to always be a positive."

THAT IS IT!

It's not that I can't handle him telling me that he doesn't want chicken for dinner, it's that I can't handle feeling like it was the worst idea that he's heard all week. (And maybe that's an exaggeration on my part, but that's how it feels sometimes.)

Day 67: Today...well today I had a lot to rant about but it was all related to the same thing and I feel like we may be able to tackle it now. I feel like having a face-palm moment over not being able to say how I was feeling for all this time. Doh!

He did have to go into work two hours early today which made for a long day but I made it. Seriously, though, on a Monday? Mondays are hard enough.

In light of feeling like we will have some good conversation tonight I am in a much better mood than I have been since early last week. He asked me earlier what he could come home and help me with (I have so much left to make for Christmas gifts) and that THRILLED me. I wanted him to ask me so badly but didn't push it. He also told me that I "rock". When I asked him why he said, "Because you're still with me, you aren't giving up on me, your love for me is real and you prove it over and over and over." I have never doubted that he "got it" from the beginning but it is reassuring to know that he has not forgotten.

298 days. Still happy to see thin number start with a 2, even if it doesn't really mean anything more than we are a few more days away from the awful night.