The holidays are just around the corner and I am feeling happy that our family is together. The thought of the season with us apart instantly brings me to tears. I hope that he is in this for real this time.
I was thinking the other night about how I want to be towards my husband. I do believe that he messed up, and messed up in a BIG way, but I do not believe that that qualifies me for treating him with disrespect. I haven't had too much trouble with keeping my thoughts in check or holding my tongue when I do have thoughts that, if I allowed myself to verbalize, would hurt him (and us) in the long run. I think what it all boils down to is the fact that I care about his feelings. I know that many would say that he does not deserve for me to treat him kindly but I have to disagree. He is still the man that I love and I do not see how tearing him down would be justified because he made a terrible mistake. I know that he has feelings and I intend to keep them intact as best as I can without sacrificing my own healing.
Looking at that from another angle though, he has been on the receiving end of all of my emotions. He knows that he put us here and that means working through all of this if we are going to be happy again.
Day 38: Sunday. If only I had to deal with this while I was awake.
Saturday night I was plagued with terrible nightmares. I kept waking up from one only to fall back asleep and have a completely different nightmare. It was awful. I woke up feeling completely drained and in a somber mood. I knew the day held its own set of challenges because of that.
I was quick to let my husband know about the nightmares and how I was feeling so that he could help me through the day. Hour by hour we worked through the day together but despite my (and I believe his) best efforts it slowly became more than I could handle. After a minor confrontation things quickly spiraled out of control and I shut down. I felt like he was telling me that something I was doing was not good enough (something domestic and unimportant in the grand scheme of things) and that is a feeling that I already struggle with on such a deep level. It caused so much pain and so much soul searching for answers that I do not have.
At some point, I told my husband that he was reminding me of himself during the affairs. I can't be sure but, I think that if he would have been pouring all of himself into our marriage instead of being out selfishly getting what he "wanted", then he would have had more to give to me. I think he would have been more understanding, more patient, more kind...I think he would have loved deeper and with all of him. So again, I can't be sure but, I think that the way that he reacted to our argument was reminiscent of the man that he no longer wants to be.
He didn't say much, that I remember, when I told him that I didn't like how he was acting towards me but apparently he walked away and thought about it because soon enough he apologized about how he had acted and told me that he is working on being a different, better man.
I am glad to say that I can see this. I can see change happening.
Once we put the babies to bed we watched a movie (why does every freaking movie have something to do with an affair?!?!). The movie itself was sad and somehow we ended up talking about some things.
I don't even know how the night ended how it did but I was asking questions and I ended up in a sobbing mess before I passed out eventually.
Oh, when can this be over?
Day 39: He let me sleep in. I really am so grateful for how he has picked up so much slack lately. Between the emotions I am dealing with over his infidelity and recovery from the surgery I feel useless sometimes. He has been so helpful and has not complained once, that I can remember.
Today was hard though. I feel like a mess again after last night. I feel like I have taken the inevitable "two steps forward, one step back". We are still coming out ahead but at a cost.
I am sitting here feeling like I am really about to fall apart and up pops a message from my husband.
Hey. I just want you to know that I miss you a lot. I love you so much and feel so blessed that you are my wife. I want you to know that I will hold you anytime you need to cry. I will continue to do whatever you need me to do until we get through this. I want YOU. I choose YOU. Thank you for choosing to stay with ME. YOU make me complete and I am so so sorry for the unthinkably horrible things that I did to US. I love you [Babe].
I really needed this right now. While we were chatting he also added
I'm not going anywhere... and by that I mean the [me with more clarity]
I will hold you for as long as you need
Goodness, what I would give to have had this before all of the affairs.
Back on subject. -- Change. That is the word that has been in my head all night.
It is harder than I can tell you to put into words the emptiness that comes from knowing that he was not completely committed. That he was not loving me with all of him. That he wasn't always thinking about me or even us. It hurts. Hurts me in that dark, raw place that now exists.
I guess, all I can do now though is accept the change. The change that I see, and feel, happening. My husband, though he can say some very hurtful things, has always been generous with his kind words. Never can I point out a period of time when he has failed to compliment me, shower me with his praises of what a wonderful wife and mother I am, or tell me of his love for me. If his love were based on words alone I would have no doubt about how he feels for me.
Lately though, he has taken this to a whole new level. I cannot tell you how many times today alone he has told me that he loves me. I can really feel that he has a new love, a deeper love, for me and it feels good. Here's to hoping that his actions continue to mimic his words.
326 days. L-O-V-E
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