The Same Week

Day 47: He came home and I almost immediately started crying. I was laying on the couch with the baby on my chest and he came over and knelt beside me and just held me. I told him that I didn't want to do this anymore. (I meant...I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't want to have to keep fighting this.) He responded by saying that he knows that means a whole lot but that one of the things that he loves about me is that I keep going. That I am so strong. I sure don't feel strong right now...

He told me last night that he wakes up every morning and looks at me and has the worst regret. He says that he never knew what regret was until he came clean. (I can attest that this is not regret of getting caught because I didn't catch him...he told me. I knew NOTHING and had NO suspicions.) I can see the pain on his face. I can see how badly he wishes he could take it back. I can feel the remorse.

We are in two very different places though. He, long ago, accepted what he had done to me (to us) and the night that he told me was the end of his nightmare. That night, though, was the beginning of mine. There is a tiny (demented) part of me that wishes he would have never told me.

He told me that he is happy. I know what he means by this even though I feel quite the opposite. I know that me giving him the chance to make me happy again makes his heart swell. I'm glad that he is happy. I hope that he continues to be happy and that I can make him happy along this long, hard road that we are traveling.

Today I realized something that I am not sure how to process. The week that he started the emotional/physical (not sexual) affair with his co-worker was the same week that we got pregnant with our third baby. It hurts. Last night I had put together the 3 weeks that their affair went on started the week before Christmas but I hadn't thought of that being the week that I got pregnant.

He says that he doesn't understand why God wrote our story this way but there is always a reason. (Paraphrasing here.) Within a day of us finding out that we were pregnant he went to work and told everyone the good news and then cut off contact with her. I can look at the facts and see that maybe that was God's way of putting a stop to it before it turned into a sexual affair (something that he proposed to her but did not come to pass).

I'm such a jumbled mess lately. I can't even write clearly anymore. It makes me sad. I don't feel like myself.

318 days. One day at a time.