Day 49: I'm not ok tonight. In fact, I'm getting worse.
I don't know how to live with this pain. I don't know how to be ok anymore. I don't know how to look forward without all of this hurt. I didn't choose this for me but I have to some figure it all out. WHY???
I want off this roller coaster.
I just want to be who I used to be. My confident, secure, whole self. Where did that person go?
I feel like a shell walking around. I feel like someone else is living in my body. I hate this.
I don't even know what I need right now. A massage sounds nice, but only until the 60 minutes are over. A drive sounds nice, but I don't want to be alone. Shopping sounds fun, but I don't really know what to buy. A break...ahh that sounds heavenly but not practical. Oh, I need for this to be a nightmare! That's what I need. -sigh-
Can I learn to let some of this go? Or is that just a way of not dealing with it? Is the only way to deal with it to hold on to it until it doesn't hurt anymore? Will the hurt ever really go away? Will my heart ever be mended? I know that I can be happy again...that is up to me. I am worried about my heart though. That is where the hurt is. That is what is broken.
Can I live with a broken heart? How is that even possible? This is so consuming. This is torture.
I don't want to do this anymore. I want this all to go away. I want the pain and hurt and sorrow and anguish and sadness and emptiness to all go away. I want to be who I used to be. I want the husband that I thought I had back. I want the life that I thought I had back.
Why does he want me now? I am messed up and broken. I am not who he loved before.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I feel like I could implode from the pain. It HURTS.
316 days. Oh it hurts.
Just fell upon your blog, and I don't know if you ever intended to have comments, but I really feel and understand what you are going through. I will hit my one year date of finding out in January, and though I wish I could give you something to look forward to at the one year, I just can't. Infact, it's harder now then in the beginning. I truly feel like i'm going backwards. DH had a yr long affair, and it feels like my love for him disappears more and more everyday. He is trying, really trying, but it doesn't change anything sadly. He still hurt me beyond words. Maybe you will be the exception, not the rule. Wishing you all the luck in the world.
ReplyDeleteI am nearing the one year mark. All I know for certain is that my feelings are unpredictable. This is truly a roller coaster. You are still very close to your DDay. It's too soon to be through all of this yet.
ReplyDeleteKeep getting these thoughts out by posting here. Sometimes I seem to understand things better after I write about them in the blog. I talk often with my husband about my feelings and he's been helpful.
You can't rush this recovery--wouldn't that be wonderful? Take care of yourself. Realize your thoughts are normal, and it will get better.