Time

Day 68: Well today was the day. The day that, with the information that I have, I concluded was the day that he first started the affair with his coworker. The day that he decided to let her pleasure him.

HURTS.

I woke from a terrible dream and it set my mood but I was fighting it. I got out of bed and not too long after he mentioned that it was the first day of winter -- which made me think of the date -- and it HIT me. I was trying to not let it get to me but it did. It really took the wind out of my sails.

He asked me later what was bothering me and I told him. He said that, in no way, was he trying to minimize my pain, but that this day really holds no significance. That it is just another day that him and I are working on together. It's true, and I know that he meant for it to comfort me so I tried to let it, but I still felt like I was already behind the eight ball at that point.

I need a good day. I feel like I have had a long string of mediocre days in a row and it is REALLY getting to me.

I think I will go for a drive tomorrow. Looks like our car is going to be totaled out but an incredibly generous member of our family has loaned us a car to borrow until we have everything straightened out. It will not hold our whole family but at least we can now run to the grocery store if we need to. What a blessing.

So, I think I will go for a drive tomorrow morning and try to clear my head a bit. Maybe some retail therapy. Oh and reschedule a massage. I really need one.

I was thinking about all that was almost lost today, all that he almost threw away. How he almost sacrificed a good life. A whole life. A full life. One with good love. Honest love. Deep love. Love that doesn't give up when things are hard. Love that forgives.

I think that we had this before and I think that we still have it now. I think that my worst days with him are still better than my best days without him. I feel like I still have the love for him that I had before my day of heartbreak. I feel like we can still be amazing together.

I am praying for a breakthrough out of this phase. I am praying for the wisdom to know what we need from each other and the ability to communicate that to one another.

I think that he is still in this with all of his heart. I feel like he is still trying to do whatever it is that I need from him. I think that we need some time together. Some uninterrupted time.

Time. That is what this takes. 

297 days. TIME. Never knew how much I could dislike a word.