My husband had a lot of insight this weekend looking at me in pain. He was commenting on how he has never seen me in this much pain, how I have birthed 3 babies without any drugs, and how as bad as this is that I must be hurting that much more inside. As hollow as it makes me feel to know that he can recognize the pain that I am in it relieves me to know that at least he notices and cares.
Day 32: Well it's official: this has been the worst month of my life by far. In one way I am glad that it is over but overall I am just incredibly sad that I had to endure this ordeal. What is worse than that though is that this is not over, no where even close to being over, and that only increases my sadness.
I am a sad, sad mess and the inside of me is a raw, dark place but it is not how I want to stay. OK some days I think that is what I want. To stay in this sadness -- it seems easier than working through the pain sometimes, to stay disconnected from my feelings, and to avoid asking anymore hard questions but really I want to move on. To heal and feel happy again. To trust and be vulnerable again. To live and let go again. That is what I really want so...despite the inner struggle going on I have been trying to choose to look at the blessings that are in my life and, as strange as it seems (believe me it is strange to me too), to look for the silver lining in all of this.
I read this from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and I have been focusing on this.
The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history. Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. And it may still hurt, but he has acknowledged his failure and asked your forgiveness. We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is an expression of love. "I love you. I care about you, and I choose to forgive you. Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience. You are not a failure because you have failed. You are my spouse, and together we will go on from here."
This is REALLY, really hard to cling to but I am going to read it and reread it until I can almost quote it. I decided weeks ago that I was not going to live with one foot out the door. I am not going to miss out on what we could make of our wounded love waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is much easier said than done and I most certainly struggle with this more often than I am successful at this point but I am determined. I am determined to let this become all that it can be. I am determined to feel loved again. I am determined to be happy again.
I am still grieving the loss of what we once had, what I thought we had and what will never have but I am not going to let that keep me in a dark place. If nothing else, I owe it to myself to find happiness again, beyond that I owe it to my babies and I owe it to my husband who is working hard to repair this hurt after I promised him another chance at our love.
333 days. My husband makes me happy and I'm not afraid to admit it.
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