Sad

Day 44: Saturday. Well, let me start with Friday night. My husband came home and picked us up after working a half day and we went to a mall about 40 minutes north of us. We walked around and shopped a bit and then left about the time they were closing. The babies promptly feel asleep on the way home and we started talking...about everything. He drove about 100 miles that night all around and back to our house just so that we could talk. He never said anything to me but I noticed when we drove past our street that he knew we needed more time to talk.

My heart broke some more Friday night. He told me that he hadn't been happy in our marriage. That he was fighting against me holding onto him. It hurts.

I was holding on to him because I have never felt like he wanted to be with me. Well, not never, but I have always felt second best -- to something. So I held on, TIGHT! And he pulled back and "rebelled". It hurts. It breaks my heart to know that I was right. That I really was not wrong in my thinking. Ahhhhhh, it hurts.

He asked me that night to listen to something that he was about to say and remember it. Then he told me that he is not going to ask to go out without me. That I am going to be the first one to bring it up and only then will he consider the possibility.

I was explaining to him that night that I have always been full. That he and our babies have always been all that I need. They fill me up and complete me. Everything else good in life is just extra. I could have nothing but them and I would be happy. He told me that that is how he feels now. It warmed my heart and for better or worse I am choosing to believe that he really feels and means it.

Saturday was less than happy. I woke up in a funk (too bad after our great talk the night before) and was in it ALL day long. We got out of the house again and I still could not snap out of it. When we pulled into the driveway that night he said that he was going to make sure that the night was good.

We relaxed together on the couch after the babies went to bed and then we headed off to bed ourselves. I was still waiting, as we crawled into bed, for him to pull through on what he had said but it didn't appear that it was going to happen so I said something to him. He had a hard time understanding what I was needing and eventually we both conked out before it was resolved.

Day 45: Sunday. He let me sleep in (he does this alot, though I've been trying to return the favor from time to time) and when I came out and met him in the kitchen he hugged me and apologized for the night before. Said he was sorry about how things went unresolved and that I was upset. He promised a better effort.

We spent the mid-morning putting up and decorating the Christmas tree. It is getting more exciting every year as the babies grow and get more involved. Once we were finished, we again went out to pick up a few things (he took me to the craft store and I spent some money on some holiday silk flowers!). After that we went to the grocery store and picked up a nice dinner and a movie for the babies to watch. It is our Sunday night winter tradition -- they can choose to watch a movie or go play at the playplace in town. We encouraged them to pick the movie so that we could stay home and relax after a long weekend.

Dinner was good and they enjoyed the movie (while I made cookies!) and then they went to bed. After wards we sat on the couch and talked for quite awhile. Once we went to bed things went downhill again. I was sad because all day I had, again, been in a funk and I didn't feel like he even noticed. He admitted to not noticing that I was quiet on the ride home, just staring out the window, because he was listening to a football game on the radio.

I told him that I fear that he can't do this as long as I may need him to. That he is wearing out and tiring of the work that needs done. He started to get defensive (which I get...I'm sure it sucks to carry the burden of what he has done to us...) and angry which made me cry thinking that this is how he reacted in the past.

At some point he said that I was "being hard on him" and that sent me over the edge. I think that as soon as he said it (or very quickly after) he realized what an asinine statement it was. As I lay there in another puddle of tears he came to his senses and started asking questions and reevaluating where we are.

He knows where we are, he knows the work that must be done, he overall seems to "get it". I hate these setbacks but they are definitely not deal breakers. I have never wanted him to be perfect (how boring would that be?) and certainly don't expect that from him now but I do expect the best from him. I am giving this my all and I hope that he sees that.

I cried and cried and cried last night. He held me and I wept. And he held me tighter and told me to let it all out. And I did. Cried like I did in the first few days. Cried until I had to stop because my head felt like it would explode. I feel like I worked through some more stuff last night though. Feel like we reached a new level of understanding and honesty. Feel like we healed a little more. Why does there have to be pain in healing? Why?

Why...I hate that question. Everytime I hear that in my head I immediately think why are we here? Why did he cheat? Why didn't he love me enough? Why? Why? Why? Ugh...carrying on.

He held me until I was done crying and then held me tighter when I was finished. He whispered to me that he chooses us. He chooses me. That he was so thankful that I had given us another chance. So thankful for letting him be here with me. So thankful for being here to hold me. He whispered to me and held me as I cried silently while I processed some more. He held me. 

He held me as I whispered to him that we are going to make it. That I don't know how to be strong all of the time and that scares me. He told me that it is ok. That it's nothing new and that that is what we are -- a team. We are here for each other. To pick each other up. To be strong when the other can't be.

And then we made love. Goodness, I love this man.

Day 46: Today was just another day. I think I am too tired to remember today actually. We slept in a bit. I finally got up and got some over due things done. He got up and helped me clean up a bit and we made lunch together.

I think that I am just going through a really sad phase. Not a lot of other emotions are making their way to the surface. I guess I just have to work through it. It is so hard to fight the urge to stuff it down but I know that it will only hurt me (and us). I have to work through this. I have to face it and deal with it. I really don't want to but I have to heal. I want to heal. So here I go...again. Time to again find my determination and beat this.

I'm scared but I have no other choice. I'm scared because I feel like I have been holding myself up for the last 6 weeks and now I think I have to lean on my husband. I guess here comes the true test. I was wondering when we were going to get here. I wanted to avoid it...sad, but true. Gosh, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to get hurt again. Afraid that he doesn't have what it takes. I have to think that he does but what if he doesn't? It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt to fall again.

319 days. We can do this...right?