The Grip

Day 48:  I am beginning to realize that I was in a lull for a bit. I think it was my mind (and body) taking a break from a lot of the pain that is still very much there. The last week has been one challenging day after another. We are closing in on the seven week mark and I feel like I have run out of steam. Now is the time in a race or a project where you draw from your reserves. I feel like mine are dry. -sigh-

I am struggling with how I should react. Part of me wants to put on a happy face and give myself another week or two until I deal with this again. The other part of me (I guess the piece of me that is still somewhat sane) knows that I don't have that option if I want to heal.

I WANT TO HEAL. I want to be free again. I want to smile again. I want to laugh again. I want to be happy again. I WANT IT!

This sadness is not the same as it was in the beginning. There was so much denial in the beginning. I still have moments when I have to ask myself if this really happened to us. If I am really awake. If this is real. For the most part, though, I am living in reality. And that hurts. This hurts. I wake up in the morning and look around and it hits me again. Again and again and again. I hate going to sleep because I know that means I have to wake up and face this for another day.

This life is hard. Much harder than it should be. I just want to run away to the land of love. Unfortunately, I have realized that that place only exists in my head though. In the dreams of the little girl still living in me.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't recognize myself. I don't know who this depressed person is. I am so broken. My heart is so broken.

This sadness that I have now is sadness that comes from the realization and acceptance that this is my life now. No matter what I do, where I go, or when I heal this is still going to be a part of me. This is never going away. I know I have to learn somehow to let  go of this pain. I just don't know how.

There comes a point with sadness that I usually let go. I tell myself that I have held on long enough. That I have felt it and processed it. I have experienced the pain and I have accepted it and then I release myself from the grip of it.

The grip of this sadness is incredible. It is crushing me. It is changing who I am. It is hurting me.

Oh Lord, help me. I need to let go of some of this. I feel like it is ruining me.

317 days. Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand.