Progress

Day 57: If you would have asked me 8 weeks ago, I would have, with absolution, said that I would be GONE if my husband had an affair. An hour from now though (plus 8 weeks) and suddenly I had NO idea what to do. Stay? Why? Go? Why? Why? Why?

I think that we are in a much better place than we were shortly after he told me. We have good days now and I think I may actually even be laughing a bit more these days. I still have so many fears and doubts. There are so many questions that will never have the right answers. (Why? being one of them.)

We have been working hard though. Every question that I ask is given an answer (a real answer). Sometimes he even asks me if I have more questions (and sometimes I do).

A thin scab has formed over my wound and, though it would still easily tear right back open, it is not quite as raw as it was before. The pain is still immense. The sadness endless. We are making it though.

One of the hardest parts of this stage of healing is having to go into the pain to get out of the pain. It's like picking your own scab sometimes. Just putting a bandaid over the wound and never going back to check on it would only be asking for an infection. Sometimes I need to rip that bandaid off to be sure that the poison is still making its way out and that hurts.

I know that I am making progress though. I used to listen to the song Broken by Lifehouse over and over and over again and just weep. Today I was listening to it and I felt like there were so many lines that I now "get" that I didn't before. I remember when I first listened to it...I had NO idea what "healing" felt like. I only knew what a "broken heart still beating" felt like. I only knew what "barely holding on" meant. Now I feel like I will "be okay". I feel like there is so much more of me that is functioning now than there was in those first few weeks.

I was remembering day 3. I think it was the worst day for me. The worst day that I will always carry in my heart. I was crying in the kitchen and I felt like I would collapse but my babies were in the other room and I just couldn't, COULDN'T, let them walk in there and see their mama laying on the floor barely breathing. I held on that day. I held on to every ounce of strength in me and stood there. I stood strong when there was nothing left to hold me up. I found my courage that day. I became what I needed that day, though I didn't realize it at the time.

So much has happened in the last 8 weeks. So much more than I am ever able to put into words. We still have so far to go, but again I have hope. I have an amazing husband full of remorse and love. He is putting at least as much effort into our healing as I am. He is open with me and quick to correct his faults. He still (I still, we still) have a long way to go but I feel like we are really going to be okay.

I feel like we are a team again. Like nothing can stop us. I always thought we were invincible and I am starting to believe that again.

308 days. I think I found US again.