Two Months Ago...I Can

Day 62: It's been two months.

Two months ago my world fell apart.
Two months ago I was sitting here as content as can be.
Two months ago my dreams ended.
Two months ago I didn't know who I was, where I was going, or which way was up.
Two months ago started the beginning of my nightmare and ended my husband's.
Two months ago my baby was 18 days old.
Two months ago I was confident and secure.
Two months ago my heart felt safe with my husband.
Two months ago I felt safe in his arms.
Two months ago was supposed to be a relaxing Friday night.
Two months ago I thought I'd rather not wake up the next morning.
Two months ago was the day a piece of me died.
Two months ago was the saddest day of my life.
Two months ago was the worst day of my life.
Two months ago is a day that I will never forget.
Two months ago.

Two months ago.

We have come a long way in two months. I still cannot say that I am happy but I do have happy moments, sometimes even happy days. I still feel like there will always be a part of me that is sad no matter how much I heal. I still feel like I will long for the life that I dreamed of. I still feel like I will mourn the loss of the dreams that were shattered that night. I still think that there will always be a part of me that hurts and has pain. I feel like making this life work is, in some ways, settling for second best. Well, it is. This is not what I wanted.

I'm still here though and I am not giving up. My husband has been amazing since that night. He tells me that he was sitting in a parking lot, not far from home, for hours while he was deciding to come clean. It still baffles me that I had NO idea. NO flippin' clue that he had ever been unfaithful to me. NO suspicions. NOTHING. How did I miss it all?

Does it really matter?

If I would have suspected he would have only lied and then the months (maybe years) of even more destruction would have begun. I'm not sure that our marriage could have handled that (but who knows, I would have never thought that it could handle this).

Those early days were some of the very worst of my life. I have never grieved like I did in those days. I have never had that kind of pain. I can still remember forcing myself to stop crying because I felt like my head was going to explode. I can still remember the way that my heart felt like it was, literally, being ripped from my chest. Oh, the pain. The agony.

I still find myself in that place some days. Weeping in my husband's arms as I let go of more of the pain. Letting go so that more of me can heal. I hate those days. I hate that I have to feel this pain over and over and over again but this is the only way. This is the only way to find happiness again.

I still struggle with the WHY? Why did he do this? Why is he "here" now? Why does he care now? Why the hard work now when it is on the brink? Why the effort now when I need rebuilt? Why did he not think about the consequences? Why was he so careless and reckless? WHY? WHY? WHY?

He's given me answers but they'll never be enough to make my heart understand. I have accepted that but I still ask WHY?

Two months ago I became a different person. I began to think that that person was going to be cold and bitter and nothing like the old me. Two months later, today, I see a lot of the old me and only a bit of the new broken me.

I can still love and love with all of me.
I can be vulnerable.
I can love like I have never been hurt before.
I can forgive.
I can wrap my arms around my husband and make him feel safe.
I can look at him and still see the man that I have always loved.
I can look forward and see hope and happiness.
I can be strong when I need to be and come undone knowing he'll be here to hold me.
I can go forward knowing that love is not lost.
I can be me.
I can heal.
I can breathe.
I can do this. 

We can do this.

303 days. We are doing this.