I am still sad. Still going down on this roller coaster ride but today I am choosing to pull myself up a bit to catch my breath and I am going to look forward.
I have been struggling lately with spending quality time with my babies. It makes my heart ache when I realize another day has gone by and I haven't poured love into and over them. Oh, I love them. Goodness, how I love them, but I have been failing. I made up my mind last night though. I decided that I was going to have a GREAT day with them...so...40 paper snowflakes later (there are some on a different window)...and we had a great day together. (Yes, my hands hurt but it was so worth watching them unfold each of those snowflakes.)
Life right now is sad but good. My husband has been incredible to me since the night that he came clean. He told me last night that he always loved me but that he did not always appreciate me and wasn't grateful for me. Like so much, it hurts to hear but, it makes a lot of sense.
I asked him last night what life would be like if I never healed. If I was never "ok". He said that he would hold me every night while I cry until we are old. It is, in a very warped way, ...endearing, to say the least. He then went on to say, though, that he believes that I will heal. That I can and will get past this. I, too, believe that but in those moments when my heart feels like it is breaking again, just from the thought of what has happened, it is hard to see past this hurt.
I still wish that my husband would have come to appreciate me and be grateful for me, the way that he is now, without having to almost lose me. I think his perspective, the very thing that led him to make all of those terrible decisions, is what has his heart completely back in this. I think that is what is going to give us the ability to be happy again.
I think back to the day that he apologized to me for not being "here" for our whole marriage. It breaks my heart to know that so much of what I have with him was based on lies. It hurts that I was giving to him when he was not receiving. It hurts, BUT I am not giving up.
"You never changed" is something that he recently said to me and, though I feel like this HAS changed me in some ways, I agree that the core of me has not changed. I still love him. I still love us. I still want a happy future with him.
Our future looks brighter than ever (now that he is not living a lie) and, tonight, I am holding onto that. Tonight, I am going to hold onto hope. Hope of a better life together. Not because of the affairs but in spite of them.
315 days. Life isn’t a reminder of what we’ve lost… it’s a celebration of what we have to give.
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