I know there is still going to be pain. I know there are still going to be bad days...really bad days. I know that the road is still long and unpredictable. I am not going to let that stop us though. I am not going to stop us. My husband has committed himself to fixing him and us and I am going to give him fully the gift of forgiveness and reconciliation.
I believe that I could hang onto this but it would destroy me and I don't want to be destroyed. I want to live a happy life, full of love and laughter. I feel peaceful knowing that there were some really big pieces of me that my husband found and put back together. That he has been working hard since breaking me to repair me. Oh, how I wish that we could have had what we have now without all of this. Oh, I cannot even tell you. But again, we can't. We can't go back so we MUST go forward and I WANT to.
I know that he could hurt me again. I know that he has the power to break me again but I will not let that stop me. I will not let fear rule in my heart.
The book of Isaiah has tons of good truths to meditate on but this one really hits home right now.
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10
I knew the night that I gave my husband a second chance at our love that it was not going to be easy. At the time all I knew was that I couldn't end it never knowing if we could have fixed it. I also knew that I was committing all over knowing that I was in this for the long haul all over again. I knew that he loved me. I knew that he wanted to try again. I knew that he was sorry.
What I didn't know what just how much he loved me. Just how much he was going to try again. And just how sorry he was.
That night I was also giving myself back over to him to care for.
What I didn't give him that night though was ALL of me. I was holding back afraid of the hurt. I was always honest about how I felt and never held any my emotions back but I was holding a piece of my heart back. Hanging on to what I thought was going to save me if he did this to me again. Last night I realized that I don't want to do that. I don't want to fool myself into thinking that if he ever does this again that hanging on to a little piece of my heart would save me from the pain. That hanging on to it would make me stronger or less vulnerable. It won't. It was a lie that I was telling myself. More than that though...if we make it, if we save this love, and I am very hopeful that we will, I don't want to look back and know that there was a part of me that wasn't there. That I still hadn't given all of me back to him and to us.
So here I am.
Am I scared? A little, but I'm not going to let that stop me.
Am I foolish? Some would probably say yes. I'd like to think no, I'm courageous.
Am I vulnerable? Yes, but I'm ready for it.
329 days. Trading My Sorrows. ♥
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