Christmas

Day 72: Saturday. Christmas. We woke up and got nowhere fast. It was nice. This is probably the last year that we will be "allowed" to sleep in and mosey around once we get up.

We had breakfast, and then lunch, and then I made a birthday cake for Jesus.

We didn't even open gifts until around 3:00pm. The babies loved everything they got. They are such amazing little people. So grateful. We have done a good job, if I do say so myself.

My husband, more than once, wrapped me in his arms and told me that he loved me and that he was so thankful for us being together.

I remember after we put the babies to bed I told my husband how much I had enjoyed the day. Normally a laid back, do nothing type of day makes me anxious and leaves me unsatisfied. This day was different though. This day was good for my soul.

I'm saving what I got him for another day.

Day 73: Yesterday was another mellow day. We had company coming over in the evening so we slowly got the house cleaned up -- again!

Yesterday was also full of big hugs and thank yous and I'm sorrys. He gets it. He sees it. He shows me.

We had a great night with our family. Opened gifts, had dinner, played a game together. Lots of fun and laughter.

What a wonderful weekend that we spent celebrating the birth of Jesus and the forgiveness that He has given to us all.

Day 74: Today feels strange. After so much activity over the weekend it was numbing to wake up and have nothing to do. I have nothing to sew, nothing to bake, nothing to wrap. I felt so lonely as soon as my husband left for work.

I really enjoyed this Christmas but I am relieved that it is over. I feel like I can buckle down and start working on me (and our family) again. I need to get things around the house in a bit more order and start a new routine.

The baby is three months old today, I have been cleared since my surgery, and it's time. Time to focus on us. Time to redirect our energy.

I really think my husband is ready for this new chapter. This new year. It means nothing really. Just another boost for a fresh start.

A friend sent me the link to the song Lead Me by Sanctus Real and I sent it to my husband. He listened to it and said that it is perfect. That this is exactly what he is striving for. It really hit me hard. This is exactly what I want.

I want a man of God who puts Him first and then our family. I remember in premarital counseling when our pastor told us that marriage is like a triangle with God at the top and us the other two points. The closer we draw to God the closer we get to one another.

I feel like for years I was grasping for our marriage to be Christ-centered. For our life to be Christ-centered. It seemed like we lived a lot of it but I see now that my husband was so broken that whatever he was trying to do was not enough to rid him of the poison in his soul that was robbing him of the joy that we find in the Lord.

I feel lonely tonight. I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel like I need to be near my husband and just rest in his embrace. I feel far from him right now. I feel a need that I am not sure can met. I feel very broken again tonight. I feel replaceable and insecure.

I feel hope though. It's not a great hope that makes me smile but it is a hope that reassures me that I will find my way back out of this pit.

291 days. Lead us.