I still can't believe that this happened to us. I thought that we were so happy. That we had found a nice rut that made us happy. We were so busy as a family. We took the kids somewhere fun almost every weekend. We really made the most of our time. We did everything together and I thought that was the way that it was supposed to be. I thought that we were in this to make each other happy and in turn we would be happy. I sure was.
Now, I just don't know what to make of it all before. Almost all of my memories are tainted. He cheated on me once within weeks of our first anniversary and then started cheating on me again weeks after our third anniversary for over two and a half years. I believe than none of the other women meant anything to him. They were just new and exciting and fun. Something that I cannot compete with. How can I ever be enough just being me?
I feel like the very thing that he was after was now what he has stolen from us. There are so many things that I feel like I cannot give to him anymore. Things that I thought were just between the two of us. The thought of those things now only bring sadness, emptiness, hurt, betrayal, insecurity, pain, and anxiety. I feel like some things can never be special again.
I wish we could go back. I wish I could somehow fix all of this. But I know I can't. Even if we could go back I cannot fix him. I cannot make right the things that were wrong that he did not tell me about. The things that he did not even give me a fighting chance to help him fix. But I still wish that it could be like it was before.
I want to be happy again. I want to be myself again. I want to be free again.
I feel like nothing is new anymore. He has told me everything (I hope), I have run the gamut of emotions and back more times than I can count, and there are very few questions left to ask. I feel stuck. I have no idea how to move out of this stage of just going through the motions. That is exactly how I feel everyday. I feel too tired some days to let myself process so I just carry on with life's duties. I don't want to just go through the motions though. I want to feel happy in my soul and I don't.
This is hard -- I think walking away would have been easier in many ways -- but I hope that it is worth it.
332 days. Praising God in this storm.
You will learn that you are more then enough "just being you". You will ACCEPT that your road to recovery is rocky but that he has chosen YOU and has made the decision to work through this dark path that he has created. YOU are more then enough!
ReplyDeleteI have had similar conversations with my partner that I cannot compete with newness and excitement, I have scolded him and myself, however, I am learning that he is in this battle of recovery with me. I am responsible now for my feelings and behaviours and I will chose how I walk this path. I have responded in many ways which I am not proud of, we have survived!
The roller coaster will continue, but it will get better! this I can promise.
Stay strong and healthy in your journey!