To You

Dear Husband,

That cold January day was the best day of my life. That cold January day almost 10 years ago. That cold January day when I walked in to church and we saw each other for the first time.

I was never the same after that. Not a day went by that I didn't think about you. As our friendship blossomed and life went on I always knew that you held a special place in my heart. A place that no one else could fill.

Life went on and we went our separate ways but somehow you were always with me. I had you tucked away in a safe place and went there when I was excited about something, scared, alone, happy...no matter what was going on I always thought of you. It was all in God's hands at that point though.

I will never forget the night, after a few long months of not hearing from you, when my roommate called out to me that you were on the phone. That was Thanksgiving Day 2002. I remember how my heart was beating as I ran up the stairs as quickly as I could to get to the phone. I remember hearing your voice and feeling warm all over again.

I was always so in love with you (and you knew that). Months and months went by and though we were thousands of miles apart I still held you in my heart. I can remember going to sleep thinking about you.

I think back to when I returned from being half way around the world -- literally --  and I called you first to say that I had made it back safely. I remember how happy you sounded that day but how I pushed it aside since we were "just friends".

I remember the cold May day in 2003 when I was home visiting and you and I sat and talked over coffee. I remember you telling me to go back to school and have lots of fun. I remember you dropping me off at the airport, very early in the morning, a few days later and how I walked away in tears not wanting to leave. I wanted so badly to turn around and go back home with you but I got on that plane and again put it in God's hands.

Life went on as planned for awhile. At some point I prayed that God would help me let go of you. And He did just that. He helped me let go of my dreams with you and let me focus on our friendship. Our amazing friendship that I was blessed with. But still I carried you in my heart.

Those many late night conversations that we had when you would call me on your way to work soon became such a wonderful part of my life that I was shocked the night, out of nowhere, when you said that you loved me. I will never forget how my heart skipped a beat when I heard you say those words, and then repeat them when I asked, in disbelief, what you had just said. Just thinking about it makes me smile.

I wish I had the words to describe the way I felt when your plane finally touched down on that island when you came to see me. Those few months that we shared while we were together in paradise will forever be etched in my memory.

The day that you asked me to be your wife...when you knelt down on that little beach...was perfect. I remember walking back along the rocky shore and our friend (that we didn't realize was also at the beach, much less watching us) pointed out that she was just watching us and thinking that we looked so happy. That it made her think of us treading through life's struggles together hand in hand.

I think back to our August wedding, only 5 months later, when I became your wife. I knew that day that we would never be the same. That we would get through anything. I remember making love for the first time ever that night.

Life quickly afforded us our first major hurdle and though it nearly broke us we made it. Not only did we make it but we came out stronger.

God then blessed us abundantly with 3 babies in less than 4 years.

These things, and countless others can never be taken away from us. These are our memories.

Somewhere in there though something broke and it didn't get fixed. That led to the terrible October night 5 weeks ago when you walked in and told me, while I held our newborn, that you had been unfaithful.

It broke my heart. It changed me forever. It hurt me in a way that I didn't know I could hurt. It took everything that I believed and challenged it. It put me in a place that I never thought I would be.

It changed us forever, it set us back but it did not destroy us.

I'm still not sure how I managed to pick myself up enough to decide to give us another chance but I am so happy that I did. I am hopeful about us.

I have known since that cold January day that we were meant for each other. I still believe that "when God made you He must have been thinking about me". My love has only grown for you since that day.

You are my best friend.
You are my safe place to fall.
You are the one who challenges me.
You are my most perfect compliment.
You are my unending source of laughter.
You are the Father of my babies.
You are the keeper of my heart.
You are the love of my life.

Without you in my life...well I cannot imagine my life without you in it.

I know that you made a mistake but your mistake does not define you. I still love you. I still value you. I still want you.

I want to go on. I want to make new memories with you. I want to be happy again. This is my wish. My heart's desire.

I hope that this is what you still want. What you will always want.

I will love you forever.

Your Devoted Wife.

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325 days. Struck down but not destroyed.