Day 56: I didn't think that the upcoming days were going to be difficult but they have been on my mind all evening. I know that the affair that he had with the one (of soooooooo many) woman who I actually knew started the week before Christmas. I also know it was the week that we got pregnant with our third baby. It is creeping in on me. The sadness, the fear, the doubts.
Maybe he will do something extra nice for me over the course of those three weeks to help me get through them a little easier. Maybe he will help carry me through. Maybe he can help me heal during those weeks instead of shattering some more.
He has been really great at keeping track of little things that I say so I have a lot of hope. There have been deliberate acts on his part to take advantage of the few opportunities that we have had to go out and have a little bit of time to ourselves. It makes me happy when it feels like he really wants to be with me. There have also been a few spontaneous gifts over the last few weeks and it warms me when he gives them to me. It makes me happy to know that he is listening when I mention things.
Just over the weekend I asked that if he were going to get me a Christmas gift that it be meaningful. A day or two after that he told me to call and make a massage appointment as part of my gift this year. I am really looking forward to knowing that the babies will be in good hands (second best only to mine!) so that I can go relax.
It's the big things that have been broken but it is the little things that now matter the most. The careful consideration when picking out a movie (it's unbelievable how many movies have affair/betrayal/infidelity related topics), the quiet I love yous, the tight and lingering hugs, the tender kisses, the delicacy in which he handles my heart now, the gentle manner in which he regards my feelings.
The thing I have been noticing a lot over the last week or two is the times at which he chooses to tell me that he is sorry. They have certainly been in the moments when I am hurting, but more of them have come as just a tiny whisper in my ear while I lay in bed at night. It is like he hears my silent cries at night and reaches out to me. Reaches out and breaks the fall just before my heart hits the ground again. Reaches out and picks up another little piece of me and puts it back in its place.
His I'm sorrys are not just those two words though. That is how they all start but they never end the same. They always include a follow up of some sort. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I caused this pain. I'm sorry that I put us here. I'm sorry that we have to deal with this. I'm sorry that this makes you have bad days.
It never feels generic. It never feels obligatory. It feels like he really means it. Like he really gets the pain that I have. If there truly is a silver lining to every dark cloud than this is part of mine.
309 days. The little things.
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