Day 64: I am sick. Sick, sick, sick. I was sick the same time last year. We almost didn't come home for Christmas but in the end I packed us all up and made it happen. Little did I know that I was pregnant AND he had cheated on me that week with a co-worker that I knew (and maybe a prostitute too). -cry and barf-
Ugh, it hurts to write those things but I guess I just needed to get them out.
I have been struggling the last few nights to really feel anything. I'm fighting the urge, even tonight, to just stuff it down. Stuff, stuff, stuff and not deal with it. I know that it gets me nowhere though which leads to more blah days.
We had a few hurdles this week in our healing. I got upset about something (unrelated to the affairs) and he did not take it well. He takes it so personally when I get mad. I tried to brush it off but it just bombarded our whole evening. He ended up saying that he does not know how to react when I get angry. He says that I get mean. (Maybe I do, but I don't think that is always the case.)
I think sometimes that he gets off too easily because I am quick to consider his feelings. Why, you ask? Because I love him. I never stopped loving him and I won't just spout off now because he's hurt me. I don't think that I protect his feelings but I certainly keep them in mind when I have something to say.
I can count on one hand the times that I have gotten mad since I found out about the affairs and each time he has pretty much reacted the same way. I told him that I am not sure that we are going to make it if I hit an angry stage (which, according to everything I've read, is coming sooner or later). I say that because I am not sure that he could handle me being angry for days. I am not angry by nature so I think it throws him off. He is confident that he will change it. His reaction. That he will learn how to respond in a healthy way. I guess only time will tell if he really works on it. He needs to do it not only for me, but really for him.
So, despite my hopefulness, this week has been challenging.
I've also been struggling with feeling like he wants me. As in, wants ME. He does so much right but there is just something missing in this chapter that we have gotten to. I can't even tell you what it is that is missing (so I can't tell him) but I am just feeling replaceable again.
I wonder if I will always struggle with this feeling since he, in some ways, did replace me. Ugh, it hurts. I want to be the only one. I want to go back and start over. I don't want to live with this anymore.
301 days. Not giving up...just may sleep the whole weekend though.
I've been reading your blog and am empathising furiously from the other side of the Atlantic Ocean.
ReplyDeleteIf marriage counselling is affordable, I'd urge you to consider it.
Communication, even with those to whom we're closest, can be a minefield of misunderstanding and further upset. A book called The 5 Love Languages has helped us greatly.
Good luck - and may 2011 bring healing in your marriage.
(From FoolishWoman)
I agree that he needs to change his reaction. That has been hard for my husband, but it's amazing how much it helps. You need to be able to get those feelings out, and he can try to help you through it.
ReplyDeleteMarriage counseling helped us a lot. The counselor helped him to see my viewpoint, and she also helped us see how little miscommunication led to huge feelings of resentment and anger.
Wishing you the best. Take care of yourself on these rough days, and I think it's ok to take a day off from all the stress once in awhile too.