Where did I go?

Day 75:  Feeling overtaken by the pain again. I can't remember the last time I cried (really cried) with him but I sure could use a good one.

My heart is hurting. I can feel the ache, physically. It's like things have settled down and now with nothing else on my mind this hurt is all that I can feel. I lost touch with myself over the last few weeks and with so many people around I let myself slip into fake mode for a bit too long. Now I have to figure out how to dig my way back out without an emotional disaster of feeling it all over again.

I feel like a shell of a person walking around this week. My mind feels numb, my heart aches. Where have I gone? Is this where I will stay? I hate feeling numb. I'd rather be all over the map than feeling like this. This scares me. This is NOT me. This is someone else. This is a person that is hurt and scared and lonely.

I seem to be watching myself go through the motions. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. Looking in on a stranger. Someone that has no passion. Has no love. Has no life.

THIS IS NOT ME.

I want me back. Where did I go?

I miss me.

I miss my life.

I miss the man that I married.

He has been here. He has been doing so much right. He has been giving so much to me.

I still miss him though. I miss that love that I had. The blind trust. The innocent love. The irreplaceable feeling. The security. The confidence. The dreams.

I have a new man. I have a better(?) man. I have a working-on-being a whole man but I miss the old man that I (thought) I had.

I miss it all. I want to go back.

290 days. Sad.