If Tomorrow Never Comes

Day 76: He keeps telling me that he wants to make me happy. That he wants to be everything that I need him to be. That he doesn't want me to be sad (but he will be here to comfort me for as long as I am, even if it is forever).

I keep saying that I don't know what I want but today when I woke up and thought that a back rub would be nice I told him. Considering that it relaxed me, put me (and him!) in a good mood, and set me up for a better day, I'd say that it was a great idea to tell him what I wanted. Sometimes I feel guilty for asking for things like that but I think I will keep it up and see what becomes of it.

Later in the day, after he had left for work, we found out (finally) that the insurance company is going to total out our van and cut us a check. Car shopping, again. I hate it but am hoping to find the perfect car for our family. I know that God will provide.

So while I was stressing thinking about what we have to do in the next coming weeks and how it was probably going to put me in a bad mood because of the pressure I started thinking about how I need to live for today. Live in the moment.

Boast not thyself of to morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth. Proverbs 27:1

We are not promised tomorrow. All we have is today. I want to make today count. I want to know that I did my best to love my God, love my husband, love my babies and love myself.

I am living a new life. A life I did not want or ask for. A life that I would give back if I could. A life that has changed me and hurt me. A life that promises a better tomorrow. A life that I have to accept.

This life is all I have now and it is up to me to make the most of it. I thought, again, about the fact that TODAY is all I have. I cannot live life waiting for tomorrow to be better. What if tomorrow never comes? So I will love him with all of me TODAY. I will enjoy those babies of mine more TODAY. I will do my best to smile and laugh and heal. TODAY is all that I have.

The song "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks is how I am feeling. If tomorrow never comes, will they know how much I love them?

I am in a better place today. I know that it may not stay this way but I cling to days like this.

In thinking about the past few weeks and how they set me up for a huge emotional downfall, I also realized that they kind of reset me. I have been having much better days with my babies this week. We have done a craft or activity every night. My patience with them seems to be coming back. I feel like I am really, really getting more out of our days than I have been for awhile. If a few steps back, in regards to my emotional well being, is a trade off for patience and enjoyment with those babies of mine I will take it. They are growing so fast. I don't want to miss it. I want to savor it and relish in it. This has always been one of my strong suits and I am happy to see that it is returning. I need it. It makes me feel good. I say that I was born to be a wife and a mother. I really feel that it is true. I want to fulfill those roles that I love with passion and excitement.

Yep, this is the roller coaster they speak of. Yesterday I was a mess. Today I feel like I could be a motivational speaker.

I want to note:

I have this incredible friend. She reached out to me after reading my blog and always has the most incredible words for me. She sends me emails a few times a week and they always hit the mark.

289 days. TODAY.