A Valley

Day 20: Wednesday. I could not get out of my funk yesterday. Not even enough to write more than this: This week has been very overwhelming. I feel like I am not getting enough sleep but as soon as I lay down my head gets overrun by tons of thoughts and questions. I just cannot turn my mind off anymore. I need a break, a day off...no, what I really need if for this to be a nightmare. I need to wake up and know this isn't real.

I'm in a bad place right now. I listen to the same song over and over and over and just cry.

Day 21: Today was a bit better.  I slept better last night than I have in a LONG time. Maybe because my husband and I made love last night. Maybe because I let myself go a bit and let him love me. I don't know but I woke up feeling a bit refreshed. Too bad that was short lived due to a grumpy husband. I don't know if he was totally grumpy or if I was being sensitive, because I KNOW that I am sensitive, but either way there were a handful of moments today that really upset me. I just want him to be patient with me ALL of the time. I know that I am not always patient and it is something that I need to work on, and I know that he cannot be perfect but oh, how it would be nice.

When he got to work and called me to let me know that he was there (part of what I need in this healing process) there was some miscommunication and then some emails that were not coming through and that led me to a mini meltdown. I felt like he was not being understanding today about the situation that he put us in and that hurts. He has been so good for the last 3 weeks. Done just about everything right. Says alot of the right things. Has been open with me and accommodating but the last few days I feel like he is running out of steam. I really want this to work but I know that means that he has to be up to the hard work of helping me heal and I know what a huge project that I am. -sigh- When is this going to get easier? This week feels like it was harder than the last week.

Emotions are running high, sleep is hard to attain, and I feel like we are one misunderstanding away from a really nasty fight. A fight that is going to make me (and maybe him) want to run as fast as I can away from all of this. All of this sadness, all of this pain, all of this hurt. I feel like we are nearing a valley and I wish I knew how to turn us around before we hit the bottom. I just hope that we can get through the next few days without it all blowing up. We have a birthday party for our sweet little girl this weekend and I do not want to ruin it.

With that in mind, this weekend will be full of fake smiles and pretending. Don't get me wrong, my husband still makes me happy, still makes my heart smile, still is the man that I love but it hurts to be around other people still. It hurts to know that I am pushing back emotions that need to be felt. Holding back tears that need to be cried. I want to look people in the eyes when I tell them we are 'good'. I want to feel confident when they ask about our holiday plans. I want to KNOW that this isn't the last birthday that we will celebrate together as a family.

344 days. I want our happy life back.