Entitled.

Day 27: It's getting worse. The pain is all coming back and the worthlessness is creeping in. I feel so unattractive that it hurts. I cannot believe that this is happening. I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

I feel like packing my bags today and leaving this all behind. Problem is that I will take this pain with me. Bigger problem is that I still love my husband and believe that we can make it. I want to make it I just don't want to hurt anymore. I want to feel like me again. I miss the old me. I liked the old me. I don't like the new me.

Someone wise always told me never to love someone more than they loved me and I am afraid that I have gone and done just the opposite. I love someone who loved me when it was convenient and took care of his desires the rest of the time. I feel so foolish BUT...

I feel like I was entitled to love with all of me. To trust blindly. To fall hard. To give him my whole heart. To be vulnerable. To believe his promise to me. To feel safe in his arms. To let him in.

I AM entitled to those things...just don't know if I will ever be able to do them again.

He told me today that he is sorry. Sorry that he wasn't 'here' for the last 6 years. I don't think that he was always 'gone' but I do appreciate his awareness that he missed out on so much. It just breaks my heart to know that I was giving to someone who wasn't even receiving. It hurts to know that while I was here loving him he was out betraying me. It kills me to know that the only person that had all of me broke me.

I believe he can change. I have no choice other than to believe this if I think we can fix this, but I really do believe that he can change. But will he? Will I ever be enough? Will I ever be the only one on his mind? Will I ever be the only one that he looks forward to seeing? I know that I cannot make myself be these things. There is NOTHING that I can do to make him want to want me -- and ONLY me. He did not do this because I am broken. He did not do this because our marriage is broken. He did this because he is broken.

I pray that while he is working hard to help me fix me and while he is working hard to fix himself that somehow I can find some strength to also help him fix himself. I feel like I have nothing to give to him. I feel like for now forgiveness and another chance will have to be enough until I can fix me to some degree. I love him and want to see him love himself.

338 days. I feel emotionally spent right now and severely scatter-brained.