The Results are In.

Day 16: Saturday. Another cold day here in the Midwest but it ended nice and steamy. I really had no idea how long it would take to be passionate, let alone, intimate with my husband again. I was thinking months at least. We went out for the afternoon to buy some warmer house clothes, went to dinner as a family, and then picked up a movie to watch after the babies were all in bed. The movie put me in a terrible  mood. It was about a couple who was rediscovering the love and passion of their marriage during a traumatic date night and I just couldn't stop wishing that that is how things could have worked for us. Couldn't stop wishing that my husband would have talked to me. So after mentioning my bad mood a few times to my husband we went to bed with me feeling like he was ignoring how I felt. I finally told him how I was feeling before I went to sleep upset with him and him not knowing until the morning. He said he was just trying to talk about other things to put me in a better mood. Fair enough, I appreciated his efforts, but told him that that is not what I needed. I needed to talk about it. Get it off my chest. So we talked, made up, he kissed me and well ya know what happened after that? The end. No, not really. Ha!

After a nice talk about how I was feeling and how he was feeling we both decided it was best to wait for his test results to come back. He wants our "first time" to be special and I totally agree. I do not want to have something else taken from me and bad tests results would do just that. So once we decided that we were going to wait we got all tangled up and made each other crazy. It was scary to let go. It was scary to feel what I was feeling but it was nice to feel happy in his arms again.

Day 17: Sunday. We went to pick up a few things for our little girl's birthday. Cannot believe how fast time has gone. We spent the day at the mall and found a few perfect little things. After wards we picked up some steaks and headed over to my sister-in-law and brother-in-law's house to visit and have dinner. It was nice to see them. It's been a few weeks. We had a nice visit and I only had a few moments where I was alone to my thoughts. Unfortunately those were thoughts of how hurt my SIL would be to know what her brother had done to me and that only solidified my resolve to never tell anyone.

Not only would it hurt her but there would be no good in it for me to tell her. That is how I feel about a lot of our family. There are a few categories that people can be placed into.

*The "I am so sorry for you. Are you ok? What can I do for you? Tell me how I can help. I understand why you stayed." group.
-These people tempt me to tell them. They are the people I feel safe with BUT in the end they can't help me. I am more complex than anyone I know. These people love me and want the best for me but don't have the tools to help me. I will end up trying to help them help me thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people do not need to know.

*The "Oh my goodness! I cannot believe he did this to you (and the babies) and this hurts ME" group.
-These people will need constant reassurance that things are going ok and we are working on our marriage thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people also do not need to know.

*The "I think you're crazy/dumb/foolish/pathetic/desperate for staying" group.
-These people I will have to constantly be explaining myself to and defending my position thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. They do not deserve to know.

and...

*The "It was just an affair. He told you about it. Get over it. Move on with life. It's not the end of the world." group.
-These people will suck life and hope from me. They will make me doubt myself and wonder why I'm not better yet thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people also do not deserve to know.

I have some very good and caring people in my life. Some that fall into each group but they cannot help me. It's hard being me sometimes.

Day 18. Today. Today was a blah day. I didn't get much done and never quite got going. I have found a wonderful forum, and though I hate that I am there, and what it represents, I think that it is going to be helpful. I read a LOT on there today. It helps, in a strange way, knowing that other people REALLY know how I feel. Goodness, how I wish NOONE ever had to feel this way though. Noone had to have their heart ripped from their chest only to pick it up and try to piece it back together and put in back where it belongs.

I think I am on a plateau today. I am not overly emotional either way. I don't know if this is part of accepting what has happened or if it is just me still denying it.

On a good note, the results are in and everything came back negative. Praise God. I was so worried about my babies and what it meant for us as individuals, as a family and for our recovery and healing if suddenly we had to also face a disease.

My husband came home with the results in hand and told me and then after we shared a moment of relief together he told me how he couldn't stop thinking about how God punished David for his actions by bringing harm to his family. God said to David, "Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife" 2 Samuel 12:10 It was hard to see him really in anguish over what he could have done to our babies (and me) but also reassuring to know that he cares about us (if only he would have been thinking about us the first time he decided to be selfish). However, God is good and, though He is just, He spared us from this. I am holding onto this happiness.

My husband is on his way home with pumpkin pie and apple cider and I am going to enjoy it (and him) and go to bed. I suppose since I am feeling a bit on the fence with my emotions tonight I will take the opportunity to DECIDE how I am going to feel and in favor of healing I am going to have a good night.

347 days left. Here's to one happy night of many!