A Note

Written on Day 4.

My Love,

I don't know how to figure out how to live with this hurt. I don't know hot to move beyond knowing that I can never be the only one. It is a pain that I know will never go away. It is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. It is not something that I ever expected and it hurts. I've never known this kind of hurt. This kind of pain.

The part of me that wants to stay is too scared to be hurt again. To relive this all over again. To know that I could have (should have) avoided it. That part of me is the part of me that knows that I'll never stop loving you. That you'll always have a piece of my (now broken) heart.

Staying means though that I have to commit to us all over again. Staying means that in a year if things are still not good that I am still in it for the long haul. Staying means I am committing to forever again. Committing means I have to accept this pain. I have to learn how to live a lie for awhile. I have to trust. I have to believe. I have to hope and love and FEEL! I have to feel this pain everyday for who knows how long. I have to feel this pain every time I realize I am pretending. I have to feel this pain every time I look at another couple and figure that he has probably never been unfaithful to his devoted wife. Feel this pain every time I see a pregnant woman with her husband. A family who is enjoying a day. I have to feel this pain as I do dishes and laundry. Feel this pain everyday as you leave, not knowing what the day holds. Have to feel this pain every night as I wait for you to come home. Every night as I try to turn my thoughts off to go to sleep. Every time you try to hold me, kiss me. LOVE me!

Feel this pain for how long? I don't know. Some of it will ease with time. OK, all of it will ease with time but some of it I will feel forever. It is now just a part of who I am. A part of me no matter what I decide to do.

The part of me that wants to go knows eventually I will be ok. I will move on. I will make a new life. I will learn how to live with this broken heart of mine. I will learn how to live a life I never wanted.

I will learn how to meet the babies' needs in a new way. I will learn how to prioritize my life and time to give them everything that they deserve. I will figure out how to be what they need. I will learn to keep them happy and loved. We will be ok. I will learn how not to be depressed. How to move on for them. How to love again (...maybe). How to trust again? That, I don't know.

There is a part of me that is sad. Another hurt. Another numb. Another angry... resentful... shamed... empty... alone... regretful... scared... unloved... betrayed... shocked... depressed... defiled... Another still in disbelief.

You must remember -- It is crucial.-- that I never stopped loving you. I never wanted this. I never saw this coming. I never knew that this was even a possibility. I never knew our life had the potential to include this.

You have left me with a decision that no one should ever have to make. A decision that I don't know how to make. A decision that, no matter what, doesn't make this pain go away. Doesn't fill this hole in my heart. Doesn't stop these tears.

I never thought this could happen to me. To us. To our kids.

Leaving means our newborn will never really know you. She will never have Mommy the way she should have. She will do all kinds of things for the first time without me there. She will not grow up in my arms. She will not be another Daddy's Little Girl.

Leaving means our baby girl will wonder and ask and cry for you. She will remember this life but not much of it. She will have us in her memory but not able to ever know what she really knew or what she saw in pictures.

Leaving means our little man will cry and act out. He will hurt and ask lots of questions that I won't always have the answers for. He will wonder why? He will try to comfort me. He will know when I am sad. He will talk about you and ask about you. He will miss you and wonder why you are not with us. He will ask to call you and see you. He will break my heart with his sadness.

Leaving means I get to move on. I get to start the process of accepting all of this. Of making it something that does not consume me. I will learn to let it be a part of who I am but not all of who I am. I will learn to live again with a smile on my face.

Leaving means that I am at less of a risk of post partum depression. That I can focus on the babies and the life that I can give them.

Leaving means saying goodbye. Goodbye to my dreams. Goodbye to the life that I wanted. Goodbye to my best friend. Goodbye to the man that I love.

Staying means that I have to believe that you can do this. Staying means that I have believe that I can heal enough to be a wife again. Staying means that I have to trust that you can get better, that you will get better. Staying means believing that you can change...have changed. Staying means trusting you. Trusting that I can have bad days on end without you getting angry, frustrated, impatient. Trust that I can be vulnerable. Trust that you can be who I need. Staying means that I have to trust that you can (and will) stick by me until I heal enough to move on. That you will stick by me until I am strong enough to be myself again, to really trust again. Strong enough to hold back my tears. Trusting you enough to make love again.

Staying means that I have to believe that the babies and I are your top priority. Above all else. Above your needs and wants. Above your habits. Above your impulses. Trusting that we are enough for you. Trusting that you think of us before you make decisions.

Staying means knowing that you are committing to me all over. To us. You are committed to our happiness. To our needs. You are done caring for yourself first. You are committed to accepting me as I am. Accepting our life for what it offers and learning that that is enough.

This is not a note telling you what I am doing. Our marriage means more to me than diminishing it down to a line on a piece of paper.

These are some of my thoughts.
A story without an end.
A love without a purpose right now.
A thought without a meaning.

...?

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As I wrote this note I thought I was leaving. Leaving for good. I thought I was moving on and picking up the pieces as best as I could. I could not see any happiness in staying. Could not see how I could possibly heal.

I decided later that night before he came home that I was going to stay. That I was going to give this all I had. That he was worth the risk, once again.

346 days. I love this man. I really do.