Day 23: Saturday. We had a lovely day. Our little girl turned 2 and we celebrated with family. The day was full of people and little time to think but I did find myself looking around at one point and realizing that no one knows. NO ONE knows and as of right now, no one will ever know. It's not that I cannot handle people knowing it's goes back to what I said last week. There is no one who can help me and therefore there is no reason for anyone to know. That evening when everything settled down, everyone was gone, the babies were in bed and we just had time for us it was a little sad. I was a little sad. I missed my husband while everyone was here. We did not have much time for us and it was hard when I thought about it. I wish we could run off to the middle of nowhere. I've always had that desire but, now more than ever, I wish it could become a reality.
Day 24: Sunday. Yesterday SUCKED! No other way to put it. I wanted to get out of the house and because of a break down in communication and some serious putzing around we never ended up leaving. I ended the evening in tears before my husband left to get a movie for the kids to watch before bed. He came back with the movie, some flowers and a card. It meant a lot to know that he had thought about the day. Once the babies were in bed and we had some time to ourselves I had so much on my mind that I ended up crying my eyes out before we went to bed. UGH. The healing part of the night though was the commitment from my husband to step it up. This last week was hard and I felt like he had lost sight of his promise to help me fix us.
Day 25: Today. Today was a pretty good day. This morning my husband got up and got going like he said he would. THAT was a good feeling. No nagging, no reminding. He read some insightful articles online and began journaling in order to get some feedback from some people who have been down this road already. Later we got out of the house and I spent a little money on some yarn to make a hat for a friend. It is something that I love to do and was happy to go to the craft store and poke around for a few minutes. On our way home from the store out of NO WHERE I just got really sad and started crying. He reached over and held my hand and apologized for making the mistakes that he did that cause this sadness. I really feel like he is in this to fix it even though there is still a LOT of hard work ahead of us.
I mentioned independent counseling for him today and he agreed that he had thought about it. I am not sure how we are going to do it if he needs/wants it but I feel like the sacrifice is worth it if it is going to help him find the root of his problems.
340 days. Today I am hopeful.
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