I wish...

Day 28: I have so much I want to complain about right now. I am so overwhelmed and so unbelievably sad but today I think despite what I really, REALLY, want to hang onto I am going to force myself to be thankful.

I wish I could express the love that I have for my husband. The unending, undying, most incredible love that I know. There is something really special about the love that I have for him. I honestly love him now more than the day that I married him. It is a stronger longer, a deeper love, a more honest love. I fell in love with him in high school but for 3 long years we were best friends and nothing more. After going our separate ways after high school and then finding each other and reconnecting while we were still many, many miles apart I still felt the spark that I always had and one night he told me that he loved me. The anniversary of that night is coming up soon and I still get butterflies thinking about that conversation. Shortly after that we started a long distance relationship and then decided that we wanted to be near one another so we made it happen. We were engaged soon after and were married that summer. It was an incredible time in our life together.

I wish that I could convince you of the wonderful man that my husband is despite this horrible (I'd go as far as assuming that it was the worst mistake in his life) mistake that he made. He is incredibly intelligent, undeniably funny, and amazingly witty among loads of other terrific qualities and on top of being a great father. I am grateful to have faced many of my own challenges with him by my side. So despite the excruciating pain that he has caused me I still find hope that I can love this man again with all of me.

I wish that I could explain the heart of my little man to you. He is such a joy to me. My little helper. My little side kick. My incredibly sensitive little guy. He provides laughter everyday with his unpredictable ramblings and inquisitive behaviors. He makes me proud as a big brother the way he adores his little sisters. I have been beyond blessed with the gift of my son.

I wish that I could hug you the way that my baby girl hugs. It is the most loving embrace. Full of happiness and joy and warmth. She has  a way of making everything seem right when she wraps her little arms around my neck. I love the compassion that she has and how easily she forgives. I love also that she teaches me everyday how to be more patient. Her independence and strong will are enough to compete with mine and I am a better mom because of her.

I wish I could send you a smile from my newest little one. Those toothless grins are enough to melt your heart. I love looking into the eyes of this little girl of mine and knowing that I can make her happy. I love looking at her sleeping figure and having that sense of peace rush over me. I love the warm breath on my chest when she relaxes, knowing everything is perfect in Mommy's arms. I love the innocence and purity of her love.

I love knowing that I am safe in the arms of my Lord in all of this. I love knowing that HE will carry me through. I love knowing that I can lean on HIM and HE will never let me down.

So despite my sadness and emptiness today I will focus on what I am thankful for.

These are only a few.

337 days.