Because

Day 22: 3 weeks ago I was sitting here on the computer thinking about starting a blog. A blog about all of the good things in our life. About all of the fun things that we do as a family. All of the excitement that goes on around here on a daily basis. All of the entertainment that comes with having 3 babies that are 3 and under! I was sitting here as content as a clam when he walked in.

These last 3 weeks have been some of the best and worst of my life. The best because I still have 3 little babies that I love more than anything. The best because I am still absolutely in awe of what God has given me. The best because I have a newborn that sleeps in my arms every night and 2 toddlers who smother me with love and kisses everyday. The best because I still love my husband. The best because he says he's changed.

The worst...well need I explain? Because my life fell apart. Because the fantasy that I was living in came crumbling down around me. Because the man that I thought loved me more than anything took that away from me. Because where my once open and trusting heart was is now a raw, dark place. Because I have had to ask the most horrible questions and hear the most horrible truths. Because I now belong to a club that no one wants to join. Because I have no idea how I am ever going to be ok. Because my life wasn't what I thought it was. Because the man that I love, and always have, betrayed me. Because now everyday is a struggle. Because I have the most unbelievable pain. Because my babies see me cry more than they ever should. Because I feel broken beyond repair. Because I feel like I will never be 'myself' again. Because I am so uncertain of the future. Because I can't make the hurt go away. Because I cannot stop thinking about why he did this to me. Because I cannot stop wishing that I was having a nightmare. Because this is never going away. Because healing from this only means that I will have learned to accept and cope with this. Because accepting and coping with this means that it really happened. Because going to sleep means trying to turn my thoughts off. Because waking up means facing another day of this confusion. Because I know anger is coming and I am afraid of that. Because I'm holding on to the man that may hurt me again.

343 days. Because I still love this man.