My bubble. My safe place.

Day 26: Well, it seems like anytime I set out to have a good night it I end up crying half the night. Last night he came home and I asked him if he had any other email accounts (don't know why, just something that crossed my mind). He told me about one that he did have and said that it was the one that he used to IM the woman that he worked with (none of this was really new news). I was looking through it and happened upon her in his contacts list. It hurt. It hurt mostly because this was not a work email. This was a personal email that he never uses and the only other contact in it was me. -cries- It really sent me to the dark side. I started asking questions and he started retelling the story to me again but this time he inserted the conversation in which he told her that he wanted to see her naked and have sex with her.

Another part of my heart broke last night. This was not an affair that ended up sexual but it was physical and to know that he wanted more is like a knife in the heart. He told me that it was an emotional affair, with two physical encounters, that took place over a three week period and ended when we found out we were expecting our third baby. Oh...I feel like this will never end.

After finding out that there were more details to that story I made him retell the other stories as well. I wish it weren't so, but I want to know everything. EVERYTHING. It hurts, more than anything ever has, but I just need to know so that I can start putting it behind me. In telling the other stories I also learned that he kissed the first girl (5 years ago) and put his hands all over the many, many woman that he saw only once.

I pray that this is it. That I know everything. I feel like we started over last night. The tiny layer of scab that had formed over this raw wound was peeled back. Oh, the pain.

He also thinks that he may be a sex addict. This is something that I don't know if I am willing to deal with. To start with, I have always been one to think that most addictions are merely excuses for bad habits. Bad behavior with a name to it means to me that you have an "out" if you "cannot" overcome it. LAME! Sorry, but pull up your boot straps and say NO! I have vices, I have things that call my name (nothing quite as damaging) but I don't make room for them in my life. Another problem with this is that if  he is in fact a sex addict, I don't know if I have the stamina to stick around for him to get better.

He told me last night that he often fantasizes about having sex with woman that he sees and I cannot put them all into categories but he did confirm when I asked if he meant co-workers. I just don't know how to process this information. There are ways to check up on where he is, has been, is going but I can never know what is in his mind and I fear this could ruin us. I am not willing to let myself not be enough.

I told him about a week ago that when things got hard not to let me run but this doesn't even feel hard. This feels like something that I am just not willing to fight against. It's just not fair.

It's amazing how last night at 10:00 I was feeling hopeful and by midnight I felt less than worthless.

I don't feel special anymore. I feel no different than any of those other women that he chose to be with. Actually, I feel lower than them. He made a commitment to me. When can this nightmare be over? I don't even know how to be happy anymore. Well, I do, but we cannot go back so...

Last night I told him that sometimes I feel worse for spouses who have been married for decades and suddenly are faced with this but I don't know anymore. I feel like I would trade a lifetime of thinking I was happy than having to face a lifetime with this pain.

If I live an average life span I've got about 55 years left. 55 freaking years with a broken heart. 55 years of triggers and tears. 55 years of pain and sorrow. 55 years!

I miss my bubble. My safe place where I knew he wasn't capable of this. My safe place where I was loved and adored and the only one. My safe place where I lived in his heart and in his arms. My safe place where I knew I could fall, and fall hard, and he would always be there to catch me. My safe place where I was vulnerable and innocent and blissful. My safe place where all of my dreams would come true. My safe place where my heart was safe. My safe place. My bubble.

339 days. I have NO idea where I am headed.