Day 15: I am exhausted. After hours of crying we finally went to sleep some time around 4am. We got to the bottom of some things and for that I suppose it was worth it but the massive headache I woke up with, the swollen eyes and the 3 babies that need me make it very easy to say that I never want to do that again. Unfortunately, I feel like there are more nights like that in my future.
After giving me some more details about things last night, my husband admitted to holding back some information in efforts to save me more heartache but in the end, I made it clear that, it only hurts me more. I just want the WHOLE truth. None of this is easy, I know it's not easy for him, and it's not easy for me, but it's done and I want to know the answers to my questions.
Sadly as much as I want to know that none of this had anything to do with me, I was really feeling worthless last night. There were a few "encounters" that were directly related to him not being in a good place with me (in his mind) and those hurt the most. They make me feel like I have no value to him...worthless.
It hurts to know that the only person in my life who CHOSE me decided at one point that I was not good enough. Whether his reasoning was right or wrong doesn't matter. It is what he felt when he decided to let someone else in and I'm not sure how to process that. I always wanted to be his number one.
Last night I realized that I am broken and ruined and will never be the same.I may be happy again someday -- oh, I hope so -- but I cannot be the same as I was before. I feel like I was a stunning, rare, and richly adorned porcelain vase that was holding the most precious flowers within the opening of my heart and soul. I was whole in every way and my flaws were hidden so that only those who took a closer look could see. I only wanted to be loved and appreciated for what I was. There were many similar to me but none so perfect for the flowers that were made for me to care for. I had found my place in life and was more than happy doing what I was made to do. Then suddenly I was thrown to the floor and shattered into millions of pieces by the one that I depended on most to compliment me. Now I am at his hands to be rebuilt. I feel like I am worth fixing. He says he is up to the task. He says "no matter how long it takes" he will work to restore me. I think it may take a lifetime and even when every piece has been put back together the missing chips and the many cracks will still always be there. I pray that there are a handful of big pieces for him to get started on so that I can go on doing what I was made to do. Doing what I love to do. Loving on those who I was made for.
For now, though, I must carry on knowing that I will never be who I once was. I will never love the same. I will never let go the same. I will never feel the same. It's really a tragic love story when you know how much love I have to give. I have always loved my husband with all of me. To the very depths of my soul. I really hope that I get back there someday. Knowing that I am safe to love him with all of me. Knowing that my worst days with him are better than my best days without him.
I was telling him last night that it's so hard to look forward when I have no reference point to look back to. He has been lying to me since before we were married and that makes it really hard to figure out who I want him and need him to be for me. I question whether or not I really even know him or if I have just created who he "is" in my mind. Have I created a good husband and father or is that who he really is when he is with us? I really believe that that is the person that he really is when he is with us. It is so hard to make sense of it all.
Today rewarded us with a really special moment. I was baking this morning and he started to say something but, before he was even able to get a full word out, I knew he was pulling my leg (all in good fun!) and I cut him off to say that it wasn't true. He laughed about how he didn't even get a word out and I already knew what he was going to say...and, you know, it's true. I did know what he was going to say. He commented on how "well" I "know" him and, as soon as he said it, it hit me like a ton of bricks but before I could even really process my feelings he had me wrapped up in a big hug and was saying that "we have something", this is him, who he is, and that he loves me. That moment is probably one that I won't forget for a long time because that is the man that I know and love. The funny, caring, attentive husband and father. That is the man that I miss. That is the man that I want back. I want so badly to give into the love of this man that has been taking care of me for the last 2 weeks. I want so badly to let go and and let him have all of me back but I just don't know how right now. I'm just too scared still.
Learning how to fall is so much harder than falling without thinking. Can I do this?
350 days...Can I be rare, stunning and richly adorned once again?
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