Numb

Day 82: Had another bad dream last night. This time it had one of the other women in it. (There are more women than I'll ever know -- more than he knows -- since all but two were paid.) This particular other women is the one that bothers me the most. I think it is because I knew her, she had been in my home, seen my babies. Ugh, it makes me want to puke.

I don't know why I hadn't thought of it but, tonight, on suggestion of my friend, I am going to pray for peaceful sleep. It's bad enough to deal with this during the day.

I wonder if my sudden onset of these intense bad dreams has anything to do with the fact that I know that "this day in affair history" is another one that my husband and her were still chatting. The chatting that would lead to their second hook-up. It's been on my mind...a lot.

I hope that next year I will be able to look back and this day will have been re-written. These days all need re-written with our happy memories. Our happy life. I know it but I'm waiting on him to notice. Waiting on him to remember what these days are. I guess today I'm a bit bitter. Bitter that the details are being forgotten or overlooked or, at the very least, unacknowledged. I know that he wants to forget them...I do too, but, I can't and the only way to heal from them is to write over them.

I feel like I'm at another one of those forks in the road. Those forks that were not there when I looked at the map almost seven years ago. My options look better than they did 82 days ago but it still hurts to have to make these decisions. Tonight I want to give up. I don't want to go anywhere because I am too tired and I don't want my husband to leave because I will miss him and want him back but I just want to give up. Stop trying.

This is so hard. So incredibly hard. Hurting this much makes life seem unbearable sometimes. Living with a broken heart feels crushing. Feeling feels like falling. I don't have it in me tonight. I'm in pain and lack the stamina to pick myself back up tonight.

I cry but I feel so numb. It's like I can look and see the wound but I cannot feel it. I know that I am hurting but I can't feel the pain. Is this just a way of protecting myself? I don't like this feeling. I want to feel. I need to feel. I am feeling...but I don't feel like I'm feeling. What in the world is going on? I'm so sad. I'm so broken. I'm so confused.

283 days. Holding on.