To know that I have done this to you is a pain like no other. It's like knowing that you literally stuck a knife in your best friend's back. Except you ARE my Best Friend and I HAVE stuck a knife in your back. The pain that you are in and the emotional turmoil is so undeserved by you and so unfair. There are literally only a few things I wouldn't give up to take it all away from you or even to trade you places.
You said I'm bending over backwards and you're still empty. I can bend further. And if still doesn't help, I'll keep bending.
I know it's easy to think that I'm motivated by guilt. And to a very small extent, that is true. But 99% of my motivation comes from the fact that my eyes have been opened to what I have had all along: something that most men spend their whole lives seeking. You are a beautiful, loving, devoted, God loving, beautiful (yes you look so good, I'm mentioning it twice) wife and you are the most incredible mother that I've ever seen. I want to be the dedicated, thoughtful, adoring, God-fearing, handsome husband that you deserve.
That is my motivation. I am an opportunist. I see an opportunity for something spectacular in our marriage. An opportunity that was there all along. One that I did SO MUCH to lose yet, somehow, by the grace of God still exists.
Dear God: Thank you for your mercy and grace for such an undeserving son. I do not need any more chances. I will make the most out of this one and I will accomplish the important work that you obviously have planned for me. I love You. Amen.
Day 94: I fell asleep in the middle of a heated discussion. (I rarely do this and get on my husband when he does it.) I felt really bad when I woke up. We were both in bad moods from the night before and needed to finish talking about what we had been discussing. That did not go well. At all. UGH!
I ended up yelling again and used a curse word (I don't curse). I hate it. I hate that this has made me compromise my standards. I feel terribly guilty for allowing myself to get that upset. I tried to walk away but I was too tired to leave the bed and so I just laid back down and it got worse after that.
I think something finally took hold for my husband though. Ya know, he does everything (or darn near) right when it comes to me being sad, scared, insecure, blase, mopey...but the minute I get angry and he just still does not handle it right. I thought last weekend he got it but I guess I was mistaken.
When things finally calmed down, he came to me and apologized and assured me that he knows what he has to do. I suppose we'll see.
The rest of the day was ok. I was still feeling pretty beat up from the last 36 hours. Up and down. Up and down. I felt all day like I was losing hope.
I know I want it. I am fighting for it. I am fighting for it when all I want to do is give up. I am not going to quit until we fix it or he gives up his fight and I pray that he does not give up his fight.
Day 95: My husband was gentle with me today. This morning he let me sleep in while he took care of all of the babies. It was a step in the right direction of feeling recovered from the emotional assault of the past few days. This weekend was, I think it's safe to say, our roughest yet. Here I was busy getting stronger (or so I thought) while this roller coaster was gearing up to take me on a ride that I could not have anticipated. It definitely left me bruised. If, somehow, I can get myself through the next few days without a major meltdown I think it will be a miracle, and so, that is what I am praying for.
270 days. A miracle for myself. A miracle for my marriage.
I ended up yelling again and used a curse word (I don't curse). I hate it. I hate that this has made me compromise my standards. I feel terribly guilty for allowing myself to get that upset. I tried to walk away but I was too tired to leave the bed and so I just laid back down and it got worse after that.
I think something finally took hold for my husband though. Ya know, he does everything (or darn near) right when it comes to me being sad, scared, insecure, blase, mopey...but the minute I get angry and he just still does not handle it right. I thought last weekend he got it but I guess I was mistaken.
When things finally calmed down, he came to me and apologized and assured me that he knows what he has to do. I suppose we'll see.
The rest of the day was ok. I was still feeling pretty beat up from the last 36 hours. Up and down. Up and down. I felt all day like I was losing hope.
I know I want it. I am fighting for it. I am fighting for it when all I want to do is give up. I am not going to quit until we fix it or he gives up his fight and I pray that he does not give up his fight.
Day 95: My husband was gentle with me today. This morning he let me sleep in while he took care of all of the babies. It was a step in the right direction of feeling recovered from the emotional assault of the past few days. This weekend was, I think it's safe to say, our roughest yet. Here I was busy getting stronger (or so I thought) while this roller coaster was gearing up to take me on a ride that I could not have anticipated. It definitely left me bruised. If, somehow, I can get myself through the next few days without a major meltdown I think it will be a miracle, and so, that is what I am praying for.
270 days. A miracle for myself. A miracle for my marriage.
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